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Saw an old friend tonight.

Old 10-10-2016, 11:48 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Thanks for the post!!

How great it must feel to be able to stay strong and not give in to the temptation to drink. So rewarding when you are able to leave feeling great, and wake up the next day hangover free and not feeling guilty.
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Old 10-10-2016, 11:56 AM
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Reminds me of a story from last year. We were having a work related reunion one weekend, a group of us (about 12) decided to get together for lunch at a local sports bar the Friday before. Some had 1 beer, others had 2, so no one really got "drunk". I myself had iced tea with my burger. The issue of me not drinking never came up. Most of my friends there, haven't seen in years, so don't know if anyone knew I was in recovery. The month before I was diagnosed with Type II Diabetes, so if it did ever come up, that would have been my excuse for not drinking. Only a select few friends know. The others, what they don't know wont hurt -em
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Old 10-10-2016, 03:18 PM
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Originally Posted by HelenofTroy View Post
I often think that drinkers who question other's choice of sobriety are wrestling with their own choices. My theory is that the drinker uses the sober person as an outlet to argue with about why they themselves can't quit drinking. They want to hear how hard sobriety is and how awful it is in order to justify their own continued drinking. And if you can give them a horror story of why you quit then they can use that to justify themselves by saying well I'm not THAT bad.
Yeah, this is a great point, isn't it? And this, too, from @Upstairs :

"One of the things you mentioned was your friend asking, "did anything happen?" You see that so many times in TV and movies trying to be dramatic. The characters will go stone cold sober after running a school bus off a cliff or something. No, for most of us, I think we eventually just one day have had enough."


I felt like he was definitely saying something that he would never have said sober. And to be clear, he wasn't a "drinking buddy". We were friends back in the day, but I didn't get sh!tface drunk back then, nor did I drink daily. Looking back, I can see that I was already an alcoholic but I truly had no idea and wouldn't have identified as such. We were friends because we did things together that were really cool and identity forming at the time: art, music, theater. In fact, many elements of the "real me" I'm trying to find in sobriety are reflected in that time of my life. If we only had alcohol in common, or if that was the "thing" we did together, I would not have gotten together with him.

But anyway, I think that you're both really on to something. And I'm seeing that one of the things that drinking did to me was isolate me, even when I was around a lot of people. I really started to isolate in social situations after my ex committed suicide in 2002, and I only got better and better at it, while appearing to be more and more social, I was actually becoming more and more isolated. Drinking pulled this curtain between me and whoever I was relating to in whatever way I was relating with them. And I think that's what people are doing when they are badgering a sober person about why they got sober. They are really having a conversation with themselves, their own AV, trying to take the mirror away. Truthfully I wasn't there to shine a mirror. I was there to see my old dear friend who I have some of the best memories of my life with. But I can see that you're probably right: that's what that would have been like for me had the tables been turned. And it's so easy for the alcoholic to not even really realize they are doing it. Denial. Whew.

I'm a lifelong vegetarian, for the most part. I probably eat a cheeseburger a year or so and never eat any other meat. It's the way I've always been, and I don't give it a second thought. I don't think of meat as food, honestly. (except about once a year, when I suddenly want a cheeseburger). I cannot comprehend telling a person they should or shouldn't eat something. I hear about vegan/vegetarians who allegedly do this and honestly am surprised because I have never seen anyone do that. I mostly see people apologize or be sort of uncomfortable because others are trying to accommodate them. More often though I come across people who cannot deal with my personal relationship with what I don't put in my mouth. It's always so weird because what they are eating is the last thing on my mind (although I sure do count people's drinks lol) but invariably I come across people who badger me for being vegetarian. They do it in the EXACT way my friend did about drinking. And I have known since I was a teenager that those who bug me about what I don't eat are not even talking to me - they are talking to themselves. I can't figure out what it's about because it's not like meat is addictive or anything, maybe it's a humane thing, I don't have any idea.

But they do go all out about meat, and not, for example, guava pastry. No one has ever said "WHAT? you don't eat guava pastry? Wow. I could never do that. Why would anyone WANT to? Guava pastry is DELICIOUS. Well, don't mind me, I'm going to eat EXTRA guava pastry. I eat it every day. I don't see anything wrong with eating guava pastry. My KIDS LOVE guava pastry. Really? You don't eat it? Well, why??? You know it's not BAD for you, right? Oh, you aren't one of those anti-guava pastry activists, are you? Oh, thank god. You know, I have a friend whose sister also doesn't eat guava pastry. I can't have her over. It's too inconvenient to plan for her! She really thinks she's better than me just because she doesn't eat it. No, you should have been there. She turned down the pastry, and when I demanded to know why, she gave me an answer that I didn't like. Literally ruined the party. I was so embarrassed for everyone. It's so selfish. You, you're ok. I mean, you seem really humble about it. I still don't get it though. I mean, don't you think it's delicious? Oh, come on. You know you want to taste it. So let me ask you. Have you ever even tried guava pastry? Why don't you eat it again? Well, it must be really HARD for you to get by, like, in the real world."

Anyway, that's how it is, often, as a vegetarian. And it's very similar to how I was grilled the other night. Not about me at all, only about them.

You showed me something about minding my own business that really helped me, in these responses. Thanks.

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