There is always an excuse
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Originally Posted by Meraviglioso 
Aellyce & EndGame, you are both on the mark. In fact, just today as I was wasting away in my bed I thought to myself "what am I doing here?" I came here and initially lived something out of a fairytale. Now, I am just sinking into the ground. There is nothing for me here. I don't see my heavy drinking friend anymore. She has now upped her gambling and I don't do that so I don't hang around in the slot machine room with her. My boyfriend is trying his hardest and is really being great but he can't be everything to me. I have my work, but it is all from home so I rarely interact with other people. I do have English lessons that force me to be with others but it is nothing I feel passionate about. I could go on and on but I am just whining here. The truth is I don't like it here. But would I like it anywhere?
My children's father would fight me to the teeth should I bring up moving back to the US. I have to do something here to make my life better. It does come in spurts. I have my moments of joy. But for the most part I am miserable.
My children's father would fight me to the teeth should I bring up moving back to the US. I have to do something here to make my life better. It does come in spurts. I have my moments of joy. But for the most part I am miserable.
It seems that you're now in a position where you need to think about how you're going to get through your anxiety, your relative isolation and feelings of loneliness, and your growing discontent with where you are right now, day to day.
I don't know what's available there, but maybe you have some ideas as to how to proceed without things getting worse for you, and certainly without drinking?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Yes, I must. The thing that made me feel most alive and happy wasthe volunteer work I did with the refugees. But paid work takes me away from that (to get to them is an hour each way in the car). I tried to get a job doing something sililar, but they needed someone in Florence and I am located too far away.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,044
Hi Mera,
I'm sorry you are struggling right now, and that you went back to drinking.
I remember how you were feeling right before you left for rehab, and the profound difference once you arrived, and then when you returned home. Are you still seeing the therapist you were seeing when you left rehab? You seemed to really connect with him? Would you be able to return to the same facility to help you get back on track?
As for work, sounds like you need to cut back some, it is taking a toll on you mentally and physically. Is it possible to increase the job you have with the rental properties? Also, can you request to o my work with adults for English lessons? I am an elementary school principal, and working with young kids is definitely not the right fit for everyone, maybe they can rearrange your schedule some.
I know how difficult juggling kids and work is, but you nailed it with how you are feeling this morning. You felt you weren't present for your boys last night. You were there, but not fully. Without the alcohol you know you can be fully present with your boys whenever they are with you.
Make some calls today to your therapist, friends from AA, the rehab facility, whatever you need to get yourself back on track.
I know you can do this. Check in and let us know how you are.
Sending lots of love your way.
❤️ Delilah
I'm sorry you are struggling right now, and that you went back to drinking.
I remember how you were feeling right before you left for rehab, and the profound difference once you arrived, and then when you returned home. Are you still seeing the therapist you were seeing when you left rehab? You seemed to really connect with him? Would you be able to return to the same facility to help you get back on track?
As for work, sounds like you need to cut back some, it is taking a toll on you mentally and physically. Is it possible to increase the job you have with the rental properties? Also, can you request to o my work with adults for English lessons? I am an elementary school principal, and working with young kids is definitely not the right fit for everyone, maybe they can rearrange your schedule some.
I know how difficult juggling kids and work is, but you nailed it with how you are feeling this morning. You felt you weren't present for your boys last night. You were there, but not fully. Without the alcohol you know you can be fully present with your boys whenever they are with you.
Make some calls today to your therapist, friends from AA, the rehab facility, whatever you need to get yourself back on track.
I know you can do this. Check in and let us know how you are.
Sending lots of love your way.
❤️ Delilah
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,508
Mera, as others have said, many of us feel empty and lost when we stop drinking and begin recovery. I felt like everything fell away from me and I had nothing left to build on. But, I was wrong and I was able to begin to live and enjoy life. It's a process of starting slowly and moving forward. First you MUST stay sober. Then, you must listen to yourself because it may sound trite, but you DO have the answers.
You need a job and a pay check, of course, and you have that now. While you are giving English lessons, why not jump into job-training in another field or go back to school part time. You have choices and options in your life that could bring you happiness.
You need a job and a pay check, of course, and you have that now. While you are giving English lessons, why not jump into job-training in another field or go back to school part time. You have choices and options in your life that could bring you happiness.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
Hi Mera,
Sorry to hear of your troubles but good on you for posting before this gets completely out of hand.
Drinking won't solve anything and you sound under a great deal of pressure.
I'm 42 and went through the menopause at 38. It was a shock and I feel old and it was worse because I was so young .Please pm me if you would like to chat.
Sorry to hear of your troubles but good on you for posting before this gets completely out of hand.
Drinking won't solve anything and you sound under a great deal of pressure.
I'm 42 and went through the menopause at 38. It was a shock and I feel old and it was worse because I was so young .Please pm me if you would like to chat.
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
Unfortunately there is no problem a drink won't make worse. There will always be tough times and I know this better than most. I can drink anytime I want to but what would it solve?
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by Meraviglioso
Yes, I must. The thing that made me feel most alive and happy wasthe volunteer work I did with the refugees. But paid work takes me away from that (to get to them is an hour each way in the car). I tried to get a job doing something sililar, but they needed someone in Florence and I am located too far away.
From all your time here on SR, what strikes me as making you "most alive happy" was when you were sober. You were full of life and for the most part you seemed to be able to handle just about any situation that came your way. Until recenctly...and I don't know how long you've actually been back to drinking but your posts as of late have been more urgent and frantic. I don't think that it's a coincidence that that lines up with the period of time you've been drinking alcohol, do you?
You know SR will always be here for you and you know where to get help locally...I truly hope you can get rid of the alcohol and get back on track.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: middle of nowhere
Posts: 2,849
Mera, I'm really sorry I haven't been following your posts regularly of late, I've been struggling with my own demons but 
Have you talked to your psychiatrist lately? Or you on any medication to help with depression and anxiety? I would ditch the booze pronto and talk to your dr/psychiatrist, tell them where you're at and what's going on. Are you still on the campral? Maybe going back on antabuse for awhile once the alcohol is out of your system might help until you can get that axle fixed, ie, therapy, community support, AA, sponsor etc. Sobriety first! That includes taking care of your mental health. I know having a good medical team and being properly medicated this time is really helping me. Just a thought.
As to the other, is there any kind of foreign bureau or community resources to help someone like you who is not native to the land who needs some direction in which avenues to go down in terms of employment and support?
Also, put your foot down and say NO! to people who are taking advantage of you. I think one of the things we addicts struggle with is setting healthy boundaries for ourselves and others we interact with. I think because we violate our own personal boundaries when we are using we have this ingrained habit of letting things in or happen that we KNOW inside we are not ok with but we feel compelled to say yes because, well, it's what we know so it's what we do.
Practice saying no and standing up for yourself. It can be hard at first but in time you will feel stronger and more confident in yourself.
Maybe you could make up a flyer stating your services, times offered and prices, so when someone approaches you you can hand them that for any information they need. Don't let yourself get run into the ground. Take care of you. Slippery slopes hun. Climb back out.
xo Del
Have you talked to your psychiatrist lately? Or you on any medication to help with depression and anxiety? I would ditch the booze pronto and talk to your dr/psychiatrist, tell them where you're at and what's going on. Are you still on the campral? Maybe going back on antabuse for awhile once the alcohol is out of your system might help until you can get that axle fixed, ie, therapy, community support, AA, sponsor etc. Sobriety first! That includes taking care of your mental health. I know having a good medical team and being properly medicated this time is really helping me. Just a thought.
As to the other, is there any kind of foreign bureau or community resources to help someone like you who is not native to the land who needs some direction in which avenues to go down in terms of employment and support?
Also, put your foot down and say NO! to people who are taking advantage of you. I think one of the things we addicts struggle with is setting healthy boundaries for ourselves and others we interact with. I think because we violate our own personal boundaries when we are using we have this ingrained habit of letting things in or happen that we KNOW inside we are not ok with but we feel compelled to say yes because, well, it's what we know so it's what we do.
Practice saying no and standing up for yourself. It can be hard at first but in time you will feel stronger and more confident in yourself.
Maybe you could make up a flyer stating your services, times offered and prices, so when someone approaches you you can hand them that for any information they need. Don't let yourself get run into the ground. Take care of you. Slippery slopes hun. Climb back out.
xo
Del
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 709
Awww, Mera, I am so sorry to hear how miserable you're feeling. I remember your posts from rehab, you were so full of life and purpose. Yet there was a bit of sadness underneath all that, and I think you mentioned you were on anti-depressants (I could be wrong.) Do you think that might need some tweaking? I don't know anything about Italy or where you live but are you near any expats? You aren't living the life you want right now so it's time to figure something out. Is it possible to get additional schooling/take classes toward a career goal? Are there other support groups around that aren't necessarily AA/alcohol related? I wish you luck with your surgery. Please don't be so hard on yourself...if being sober was so easy, no one would be struggling. (((((Hugs)))))
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Tulsa
Posts: 44
Mera,
You are getting good advice and support here. I get some good vibes about your common sense. You are trying to figure out your options and I'm betting that you will be OK.
I have had a lot of success with AA. Since you mention that you are trying that, I encourage you to continue. Attending AA meetings gets you around a group of people who can accept and understand you. If your sponsor is not doing a good job for you, fire her (politely) and find another. Even without a formal sponsor there is a 12 step workbook that is really good. (My wife is using that).
You are the most important person in the world to your kids. Do whatever it takes to take care of yourself, both for their benefit and yours. You're worth it.
Good luck
You are getting good advice and support here. I get some good vibes about your common sense. You are trying to figure out your options and I'm betting that you will be OK.
I have had a lot of success with AA. Since you mention that you are trying that, I encourage you to continue. Attending AA meetings gets you around a group of people who can accept and understand you. If your sponsor is not doing a good job for you, fire her (politely) and find another. Even without a formal sponsor there is a 12 step workbook that is really good. (My wife is using that).
You are the most important person in the world to your kids. Do whatever it takes to take care of yourself, both for their benefit and yours. You're worth it.
Good luck
Last edited by TulsaGentleman; 10-07-2016 at 09:45 PM. Reason: typo
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Thanks everyone for your support. I am feeling a little bit more optimistic today. It all starts with not drinking and things just have a way of turning themselves around.
I am taking my medications- an anti-depressant (which was just upped yesterday) and a mood stabiliser. I am on a break from my psychiatrist right now but will get back there after the surgery and recovery.
I am going to AA, as I have mentioned, the meetings seem to be much different form what others have described in other countries. But I am going. We are a core group of 8 with a few other people coming every now and again. My "sponsor" is a very busy woman and I can't really expect much from her. I just recently asked her so maybe there will be something happening soon. She is really the only one with long term sobriety that I click with at the meetings. The two other women who attend would not be a good fit for me I don't think. One drives me insane, she really just grates on my nerves. The other woman is an elderly grandmother, whom I respect tremendously, but I just felt someone closer to my age would be a better fit. We'll see. I'll send my sponsor a message today and see if she has some time for me.
I'm not giving up, that is for sure.
As for my life circumstances, I waver between being miserable and then feeling stupid and guilty for being miserable and giving myself a pep talk saying "this is your life, accept it and get on with it"
The truth is I don't forsee myself ever having friends here- it's been 10 years already, it would have happened, right? I don't see any great job opportunities for me. At this point an office job would be difficult for me anyway as I am the primary caregiver to my children. Their father's work always takes precedence.
I think what I need more than a lifestyle change is an attitude change. I am so fortunate in so many ways, I have a roof over my head, I have food to eat, my kids are happy and healthy, I can pay my bills, I have a nice, healthy boyfriend who is really trying.
Today is a new day, my plan is to spend it wisely, do healthy things, take care of my kids and myself and try to see the bright side of things.
I am taking my medications- an anti-depressant (which was just upped yesterday) and a mood stabiliser. I am on a break from my psychiatrist right now but will get back there after the surgery and recovery.
I am going to AA, as I have mentioned, the meetings seem to be much different form what others have described in other countries. But I am going. We are a core group of 8 with a few other people coming every now and again. My "sponsor" is a very busy woman and I can't really expect much from her. I just recently asked her so maybe there will be something happening soon. She is really the only one with long term sobriety that I click with at the meetings. The two other women who attend would not be a good fit for me I don't think. One drives me insane, she really just grates on my nerves. The other woman is an elderly grandmother, whom I respect tremendously, but I just felt someone closer to my age would be a better fit. We'll see. I'll send my sponsor a message today and see if she has some time for me.
I'm not giving up, that is for sure.
As for my life circumstances, I waver between being miserable and then feeling stupid and guilty for being miserable and giving myself a pep talk saying "this is your life, accept it and get on with it"
The truth is I don't forsee myself ever having friends here- it's been 10 years already, it would have happened, right? I don't see any great job opportunities for me. At this point an office job would be difficult for me anyway as I am the primary caregiver to my children. Their father's work always takes precedence.
I think what I need more than a lifestyle change is an attitude change. I am so fortunate in so many ways, I have a roof over my head, I have food to eat, my kids are happy and healthy, I can pay my bills, I have a nice, healthy boyfriend who is really trying.
Today is a new day, my plan is to spend it wisely, do healthy things, take care of my kids and myself and try to see the bright side of things.
paradox
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: UK
Posts: 665
Originally Posted by tomsteve
glad ya made it back!
ya know, them steps of AA will help ya learn why you cant say no, why you allow yourself to be used, and why youre afraid of anesthesia.
and prolly give ya a great solution,too.
prolly be wise to get yer arse to a meeting,eh? maybe call your sponsor,too?
ya know, them steps of AA will help ya learn why you cant say no, why you allow yourself to be used, and why youre afraid of anesthesia.
and prolly give ya a great solution,too.
prolly be wise to get yer arse to a meeting,eh? maybe call your sponsor,too?
I, too, am grateful that you came back.
I didn't start to walk onto solid ground in my life until I worked through the steps with my sponsor.
Please ask your sponsor to take you through the steps: the AA programme.
If she can't or won't help you in this way, IMHO, it's time to find a sponsor who will.
Please remember: it's your life, your sobriety and yet, you have loved ones relying on you.
I was in a similar position; drinking.
I don't have to do that any more.
Neither do you.
paradox
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: UK
Posts: 665
Sorry, Meraviglioso.
I missed your post about how difficult it is for you to find anyone else to sponsor you.
I hope and pray that someone can take you through the steps.
Knowing what I know now, I wouldn't let anyone stand in my way.
It might help you to think of the Big Book as your textbook and think of the steps as your grammar.
It's the good students who progress.
Right?
I missed your post about how difficult it is for you to find anyone else to sponsor you.
I hope and pray that someone can take you through the steps.
Knowing what I know now, I wouldn't let anyone stand in my way.
Originally Posted by Meraviglioso
There are a few students that give me great pleasure- ones I have worked with and seen progress, who do the homework I assign to them and really try. There are others who just want to come and do conversation for an hour, who refuse my suggestion that we do at least half the lesson working on grammar.
It's the good students who progress.
Right?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Great analogy Dox, thank you.
Much more productive day today. I got some good medical news, I will go for the final exam on Tuesday and then my surgery will be scheduled. I spoke to my children's father seriously about a lot of issues and we agreed starting in November he will pay me a monthly child support. We have always had this kind of wishy washy support thing going on where I didn't want to feel like I was taking money from him or being supported in any way, yet I had his atm card and credit card to use when needed. So there were no clear boundaries. I felt pangs of guilt every time I had to use his card. This will be more decisive.
We also spoke about my boyfriend moving in with me. I currently rent my house from my ex- the father of my children. I pay rent but a reduced rent. I felt guilty thinking about having my boyfriend move in and was worried if they would up the rent due to that or how the family would feel about it. I have always remained closely tied to them as they are the only support I have here and making sure I maintained a happy, loving relationship with them for the benefit of my kids was my #1 priority. My ex explained that as a paying renter with a contract, it is MY house and I can do what I want. he said the reduced rent was not for me, to help me financially, but as a gift to the kids.
We talked a lot about our boundaries and how we need to be a little bit more strict in that area.
I am going to go forward with the English lessons because I have to at this point. But I hope in the future I can do something greater. With more purpose.
Thanks again everyone. The connections I find here truly lift me up when I am feeling so alone.
Much more productive day today. I got some good medical news, I will go for the final exam on Tuesday and then my surgery will be scheduled. I spoke to my children's father seriously about a lot of issues and we agreed starting in November he will pay me a monthly child support. We have always had this kind of wishy washy support thing going on where I didn't want to feel like I was taking money from him or being supported in any way, yet I had his atm card and credit card to use when needed. So there were no clear boundaries. I felt pangs of guilt every time I had to use his card. This will be more decisive.
We also spoke about my boyfriend moving in with me. I currently rent my house from my ex- the father of my children. I pay rent but a reduced rent. I felt guilty thinking about having my boyfriend move in and was worried if they would up the rent due to that or how the family would feel about it. I have always remained closely tied to them as they are the only support I have here and making sure I maintained a happy, loving relationship with them for the benefit of my kids was my #1 priority. My ex explained that as a paying renter with a contract, it is MY house and I can do what I want. he said the reduced rent was not for me, to help me financially, but as a gift to the kids.
We talked a lot about our boundaries and how we need to be a little bit more strict in that area.
I am going to go forward with the English lessons because I have to at this point. But I hope in the future I can do something greater. With more purpose.
Thanks again everyone. The connections I find here truly lift me up when I am feeling so alone.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
big hug to you, Mera.
and nothing new to add, really, except a suggestion to not dismiss the idea of asking the older woman you respect a lot to possibly sponsor you if your present sponsor is so unavailable.
i do not think having things in common is all that important; what's important is that they "have what you want", i.e. a sobriety that appeals to you, a way of living that is attractively healthy, and that they can guide through step-work.
having nothing much in common can be a bonus; it can help in staying focused on the task at hand instead of getting side-tracked into more "social" aspects of a relationship.
and nothing new to add, really, except a suggestion to not dismiss the idea of asking the older woman you respect a lot to possibly sponsor you if your present sponsor is so unavailable.
i do not think having things in common is all that important; what's important is that they "have what you want", i.e. a sobriety that appeals to you, a way of living that is attractively healthy, and that they can guide through step-work.
having nothing much in common can be a bonus; it can help in staying focused on the task at hand instead of getting side-tracked into more "social" aspects of a relationship.
One Day At A Time
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,054
Hi Mera-
I completely agree with fini above! Initially I felt the same way about someone my age, but really just closed my eyes and listened to people at the tables. My sponsor has 26 years sobriety and stayed sober through divorce and the death of her son; and does it all with grace and gratitude through tough days. If she can stay sober through all of that, I find it an amazing example.
I wish you well!
I completely agree with fini above! Initially I felt the same way about someone my age, but really just closed my eyes and listened to people at the tables. My sponsor has 26 years sobriety and stayed sober through divorce and the death of her son; and does it all with grace and gratitude through tough days. If she can stay sober through all of that, I find it an amazing example.
I wish you well!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Florida
Posts: 874
Mera, I've not had a lot of time on SR lately. I'd followed all your posts through rehab. So sorry to hear you've hit a rough patch, but as I've read through this thread, it looks like you're already picking yourself up.
My best thoughts your way. You've got a lot of support here.
My best thoughts your way. You've got a lot of support here.
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Location: Reality
Posts: 491
Hi Mera,
You don't know me but I read your post. I love the most the one you post your after and before rehab photo. You were so honest and so candid.
We are women I get it somehow society made it wrong for us to be old or menopausic or alcoholic. It's a big burden it's a big shame.
I agree with Dee as usual LOL fix yourself first or you will lose everything else.
Also I think you should charge your due but it is s very loyal cause to teach English. And I agree I had live in many place but I have drank in slllof them. Where ever you go there you are. I live in the US and English is not my first lengua so I understand the isolation.
You at least have kids and you are still young. Your sponsor does need to be someone you like it's better if you don't because she will take you to do the hardest thing in your life.
I wish you the best love and prayers for you 😘
You don't know me but I read your post. I love the most the one you post your after and before rehab photo. You were so honest and so candid.
We are women I get it somehow society made it wrong for us to be old or menopausic or alcoholic. It's a big burden it's a big shame.
I agree with Dee as usual LOL fix yourself first or you will lose everything else.
Also I think you should charge your due but it is s very loyal cause to teach English. And I agree I had live in many place but I have drank in slllof them. Where ever you go there you are. I live in the US and English is not my first lengua so I understand the isolation.
You at least have kids and you are still young. Your sponsor does need to be someone you like it's better if you don't because she will take you to do the hardest thing in your life.
I wish you the best love and prayers for you 😘
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Tulsa
Posts: 44
Regarding the older lady you are unsure would be righat as a sponsor : Your sponsor is a coach, not a buddy. An older person with lots of experience might make a better sponsor than someone your age. I got a friend with some good sobriety as my first sponsor and he didn't really work out. We were too close to each other. When I got another older gentleman who I did not know personally, he was more helpful. It allowed us to be more objective about my program.
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