Mia1972

Hi,
Some of you may recall me. I had 2 years of sobriety -now looking back- where I probably had the best days of my life with no blackouts, no regrets, lot of respect for my self, perfect body, respect from my children etc etc...

And what happened?

There was this very important event I organised. I drank that night (December 15, 2015). Now it has been 10 months and I have been drinking on and off (the longest sobriety being 2 months) since that day.
I want to quit again. I want to be able to say “I am not using alcohol!” and I want to be proud of myself again.

The thing is:
I CAN’T!!!

The reason is during these last 10 months there were times during which I was able to drink normally like other people. And of course there were weird blackouts. Like I had blackout after drinking less than a bottle of wine and 2 glasses of hard liquor. That night my friend told me somethings I said which I had no idea that I said them. And the thing is my friend said I looked so sober. That she can’t believe I had blackouts. Or after 1 and a half bottle of rose wine. Before these amounts were nothing for me let alone having a black out.

During the last 10 months drinking I crushed a very expensive watch of mine, I hit my car, I said things to people about my self that I shouldnt say. Same old things. And I started gaining weight. And I started having more anxious days.

What shall I do? I want to be that old sober me but I also want to be a social drinker.
Last night I came home at 3 am and continued drinking until morning. What did I drink? Wine Didnt have blackouts or anything. But had such a tired after day.

So I decided to write to SR. I feel down. Very down.

Anna

What should you do? Well, you need to accept that you can't drink socially, ever. I don't think you will be able to stop drinking until you believe that. And, blackouts are very, very scary, especially for women. I had blackouts during the last months of my drinking and I think it happens more easily as time goes on.

Mia1972

Yes but how will it come. Those times I was able to drink moderately deceive me. And I say maybe I have a chance to be a social drinker

Calicofish

I was coming here to say the exact same thing that Anna said. You have proved in the last 10 months that you are not a social drinker and never will be. I'm not either. Certainly there were times when I "controlled" my drinking but they were rare. We seem to cling to those rare times as proof that we are able to be social.

Accept that you cannot drink socially and join the ranks of the non-drinkers. It's way easier. You will never have another blackout or embarrassing moment or a hangover.

Mia1972

When I believed I am a social drinker I bought these wines from France. Now they are in my kitchen. I even feel bad I won’t be able to drink them. When I quit 2 years ago I wasn’t feeling like this. That is why I am searching help at SR. Or another thing there is this guy who will cook for me next week. If I quit I am scared I won’t enjoy that meal or I won’t be light headed. I know these sound very artificial. I just can’t deal this time. When I quit on January 1st 2014 it was not like this. I want to feel like I did that time.

Mattq2

I was sober for seven years a long time ago. Thought I was "cured". Tried drinking again and very soon I was drinking every day. It took me fourteen long years to find sobriety again. Anna is right, you have to come to the rock solid believe that you can never drink again. It simplified it for me when I realized it just had to be that way. It's been hard but the commitment has to be there. I really hope you start now and don't drink. I don't want you to blow a decade of your life as I did.

MissPerfumado

Unfortunately, you are in very strong denial about the fact that you are not and will never be a social drinker.

(Of course, many of us completely understand how it can be that you are in such denial. That was a big problem for me too. So some of this may sound harsh but it comes from a place of understanding.)

But for the sake of your own health and physical safety, you need to remove that denial. You are proving to yourself again and again and again that you cannot drink safely.

Those bottles need to go - give them away or throw them away. Tell the guy he can't come over next week. Next week you will be in early sobriety.

There is no magic date on which you will feel like quitting. You can decide that date is today.

Mia1972

Dear MissPerfumado
I think I have to hear this over and over and over again.
Why am I having such a hard time? I am scared of quitting as much as I am scared of drinking!!!

entropy1964

You're having a hard time because you're in denial. I understand, been there. I had two years, went out, drank 'normally' for 6 months then down hill from there. Pits of hell the last year.

You don't have to go where I did. But I believe your obsession is controlling you. How to break that? Stop. Get help. Get humble. Get willing. Dinner with the guy? Not very important in the scheme of things. Give him the wine. It's just sour grape juice

MissPerfumado

I had 2 years of sobriety -now looking back- where I probably had the best days of my life with no blackouts, no regrets, lot of respect for my self, perfect body, respect from my children etc etc...

Hi Mia ... you are listening to that nasty "AV" that people write about on here. It is the part of you that is howling and whining at the thought of never being able to drink again. The AV will try to make you believe it is fun and relaxing to drink, when the reality is you destroy yourself, relationships and expensive things when you drink.

Talk to it like it is a naughty child and put it in its place. You are in charge.

The things you wrote about that I quoted up there are the truly good things in life. That is where you should want to be again. And the strong mature part of you is capable of attaining it but first you have to tell the immature, whiny part of you to take a long hike and never come back.

You had the strength and ability to do it once so that's not in question. What you need to do is bring those qualities out and start exercising them again, while at the same time banishing the AV.

teatreeoil007

It's hard to give up something that you have enjoyed...we get that, but this is the 'breaks', friend. As much as you've enjoyed alcohol, the last 10 months have shown you you simply cannot have it and still be healthy and safe. And, if you're not healthy, everything in life will start to suck and you won't be able to enjoy so many OTHER enjoyable things life has to offer. Blackouts are nothing to mess with and very dangerous.

I was taking Ambien for sleep and it was working real well for me, but guess what? I HAD to stop taking it because I was sleep walking with it and that is one thing it can cause. I was doing things I don't remember doing, but my husband said I did. That was a real wake up call. No more Ambien for me, I'd have to find some other way to deal with insomnia.

Mia1972

I like it Sour grape juice

doggonecarl

That's what you say. You want to be a social drinker. But your actions say you just want to drink. Period. Not normally. Not socially. Alcoholically. So you can drink like you are. Or you can not drink. There's nothing in between.

Sorry.

fini

Mia, you will never feel how you did that time. that time was then. this is now. that time is gone. you are now a slightly different person.

you want your old sober again. well, you can't.
what you can have is a new sober. one where you don't fall back into drinking again like you did with the old sober.

but you yourself say you don't actually want to be sober; you want to drink.
you can't have both.

but you can keep trying to have both until you're utterly convinced it's not possible. doesn't sound like you're convinced yet.
no one can really help you with that; it has to be your own knowledge.

Dee74

Hi Mia

I believe that alcoholism is progressive.

It may take more for you this time to quit that it did last time...and the desire you have to be a normal drinker, in spite of the mountain of evidence to the contrary, is characteristic of the sort of denial most of us long time drinkers have.

My relationship with alcohol was toxic - it always had been and it always will be. The times I drank like a gentleman were few enough to be accidents.

Even a bad gambler gets lucky sometimes.

When it came down to it, I finally accepted that I could drink...or I could have the life I wanted and be who I wanted to be...but not both.

That's the choice Mia.

D

Delizadee

I can tell by the fast lows I've hit during this relapse and working my way back to moderate drinking/sober days, that if I keep letting myself go back I'm going to wind up killing myself. I can't deny it anymore. I find this alcoholic-controlled drinking thinking thing very scary.

I am a prime example. A week ago I could take one or two drinks and be fine with that. Then a Sunday binge. I think this is fine and normal. This up and down pattern has been going on since April. Now, somewhere in the middle of all this, that which I consider "normal, moderate, controlled drinking" I go dump all my money at the casino, take all my medication, a 12 pack of vodka drinks, head into the deep woods to kill myself.

You would think that would have been a good wake up call, right?
Well that's the 3rd or 4th time I've ended up in the ICU thanks to alcohol and overdose, long after the relapse started.

And the insanity of it is that the drinking never stopped there.

The only bottom left for me is death if I keep going.

At some point you're going to have to give in and give up the fight.
There is no halfway for us. It's one or the other.

Delilah1

Hi Mia,

I am glad you are back, because that means you want to stop. You had two years sober, that is a great accomplishment, not sure what made you go back to drinking, but that would be something to think about as you start again on your recovery.

I have a little over nine months sober after spending a few years on and off this site alternating between short periods of sobriety, and failed attempts at moderation. I know I cannot be a social drinker, I may be able to have one or two glasses of won't on a few occasions, but I know I would quickly be back to a bottle or more of wine, and waking up feeling lousy, and then not being as present as I should at work and with my family.

You can do this, but you are going to need to get rid of the idea that you can be a social drinker. I had several nice bottles of wine and champagne in my house when I decided to stop drinking for good. I gave them all away as gifts. That would be a good thing to do with your bottles. The holidays are coming up, you can put them in gift bags and store them at someone else's house to give away, or give them to someone now.

You know sobriety is worth it. I am looking forward to seeing you back at SR.

❤️ Delilah

lexilynn

Hi. Looking sober has nothing to do with it. I remember a few times people were telling me how good I looked, and seemed to be doing and others how good I was looking ,including AA members, though I was drinking right there, in front of them, I had it in my diet coke as I always made it. They were clueless, but that didn't last long again, and I still don't look right. I almost have 2 months sober but *still* have a red face, although the burning stopped and it seems to of got a little light but even today my face was uncomfortably warm. It's settled back down for now but still red.

I suggest that you give some serious thought about just quitting drinking. I don't think there is a way to drink normal. I remember a time I thought I was doing great too. That didn't last long. And somebody tired to warned me that there were times he thought he was doing great too. But I didn't pay that any attention really, I was doing great. I sometimes was able to drink a few but again that didn't last long again. And I don't think there has ever been a time that I had a few and stayed up. I think I had a few late, and fell asleep right after. Black outs are going to happen more often and get worst, at least with me they have. ,And eventually if you don't stop and seek help on staying stopped, eventually time periods that you gather together sober, you will have "sober blackouts" eventually (that's what I call them at least), and at least that's what happened to me and I'm not talking just a day or two of them, I'm talking a month or longer of them, possibly longer. I suggest that you stop and attend some sort of support group along with using this site. If you are having issues (a hard time stopping or staying stopped a full day) then I suggest hospital detox.

I did it a harder way, totally alone out in the country, no car, no nothing besides a ride to meetings and back. Well, besides I had internet so I went on sites out there but I said nothing to them, I don't think, anyway. I now have almost 2 months again sober (dry), but *I* attend AA meetings and I'm keeping a ear open for a sponsor. I'm not telling you that you should go to AA. I'm suggesting some sort of support group... Group counseling, Celebrate Recovery, AA, private counselor, ect. as a addiction to the help here on this site.

Anyway, good luck with whatever you decide. : )

Mia1972

Thank you so much. I am so happy to be here. In my country I don’t want to go to a group. Here is the only place where I can talk about my problem with an open heart. Please keep reminding me that.

HilltownPete

Mia,
you feel like a kindred spirit. your story is very, very similar to mine.
Twice now, I've decided to quit drinking and did. Sobriety lasted a year or two each time, and then I started giving in to the craving, that wonderful high that comes with the first glass or two. And I succeeded at being a social drinker... for a while, until it was the inevitable chasing the high, where two becomes three, and three becomes four, until it's Saturday Oct 1, and I get blackout drunk on a family kayaking trip, embarrass myself completely, and get yet another wakeup call.
So now it's close to a week of another sobriety. No biggie. I've done that with ease on and off for years. This time, though, NO MORE DELUDING MYSELF THAT I CAN BE A MODERATE DRINKER. As others here have said, you need to come to the same conclusion.
Like you, I dread the thought of going to meetings. I've read the crash course on AVRT. Unknowingly, it's the basic approach I used before to gain long term sobriety. Unlike my past attempts, though, I have resolved to NEVER listen to the Alcoholic Voice within that will try to convince me that I can handle one drink, that I only want it because of the taste, not for the buzz. it's my alcoholic side trying to sneak in the back door.

I'm not advocating any particular approach. but, the bottom line is that for me, social drinking is no longer an option. It sounds like the same applies for you.