2 Years and 8 Months Sober and Bought Alcohol
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 452
2 Years and 8 Months Sober and Bought Alcohol
As the title of the thread notes, I have been in recovery now for two years and eight months. Work has been extremely stressful the last two months; that, along with normal life stresses - kids, family, etc., it eventually got the better of me. My lifeline has been running. Literally the day my work became a major stressor, I virtually stopped running. I had been training for a 50-mile race that was last Saturday, and I had to sit it out because I wasn't ready. Without my lifeline (running), I had no outlet to vent my stress and other toxic emotions.
Three weeks ago, I decided I would take "one" drink. I drove to the liquor store for the first time in my recovery. My emotions got the better of me and I turned around and went home. Then I got the urge again, and went back, went in the store (very very very emotional experience for me) actually bought a bottle of vodka and drove home.
I got home to an empty house and I decided I would take one quick nip before my wife got back home. I then played the tape to the end and decided this was not a good idea and I needed to dump out the bottle. I went out to the car, got the bottle, opened it and dumped it down the drain. The smell was enough to make me half puke (I associate the smell of vodka with death now, since it nearly killed me).
Prior to quitting, and actually committing to recovery (rather than just not drinking), I was faced with countless instances where the smart decision was to dump out the alcohol. I never, until three weeks ago, actually took my own advice and dumped it out. Watching the last drop of vodka go down the drain was such a huge relief. Instantly I felt better. At that point I remember that I am in control of my emotions. I can't control what life throws at me, but I can control the way I react to that stuff.
So what did I learn after this brush with relapse (I guess you could call it an emotional relapse, since I got so close)? The funny thing is that I really didn't "learn" anything new, but found a greater resolve to continue what got me to this point in my recovery. I learned that I need to double-down on self-care during times of increased stress or with the presence of other toxic emotions. When work got stressful, I should have committed more than ever to running. Despite not having as much time, I could have committed to running a shorter distance, or time, just to clear my head. That is literally what saved me when I committed to recovery. Secondly, when things became overwhelming, I closed myself off from others. I did not vent, I did not reach out for help.
I would have thought that if I ever got this close to drinking that I would have been very down on myself, but I am actually very proud of myself. I was able to play the tape through and see that my REAL problems would only begin once I started drinking. Most of what was really bothering me about work was my mind running and thinking about countless "what-if" scenarios. In the contrary, if I drank I would have a real problem - immediately! Im glad didn't just throw in the towel and think "I'll deal with this later." Second, I knew, I just absolutely was certain, that it would not just be "one" drink. The difference in my attempt at sobriety at this time is I accepted my relationship with alcohol. I accepted that I am not a normal drinker (this only took about 10 years for me to accept!!). I accepted that once I start I cannot stop. I accepted the fact I can not socially drink. I accepted that I am powerless over alcohol. When I though about drinking, in the context of being truly powerless over alcohol - and still accepting that fact - I knew that it would not be one drink.
Anyway, I'm back on track now - running, venting, self-caring, and continuing to take my recovery one day at a time.
Three weeks ago, I decided I would take "one" drink. I drove to the liquor store for the first time in my recovery. My emotions got the better of me and I turned around and went home. Then I got the urge again, and went back, went in the store (very very very emotional experience for me) actually bought a bottle of vodka and drove home.
I got home to an empty house and I decided I would take one quick nip before my wife got back home. I then played the tape to the end and decided this was not a good idea and I needed to dump out the bottle. I went out to the car, got the bottle, opened it and dumped it down the drain. The smell was enough to make me half puke (I associate the smell of vodka with death now, since it nearly killed me).
Prior to quitting, and actually committing to recovery (rather than just not drinking), I was faced with countless instances where the smart decision was to dump out the alcohol. I never, until three weeks ago, actually took my own advice and dumped it out. Watching the last drop of vodka go down the drain was such a huge relief. Instantly I felt better. At that point I remember that I am in control of my emotions. I can't control what life throws at me, but I can control the way I react to that stuff.
So what did I learn after this brush with relapse (I guess you could call it an emotional relapse, since I got so close)? The funny thing is that I really didn't "learn" anything new, but found a greater resolve to continue what got me to this point in my recovery. I learned that I need to double-down on self-care during times of increased stress or with the presence of other toxic emotions. When work got stressful, I should have committed more than ever to running. Despite not having as much time, I could have committed to running a shorter distance, or time, just to clear my head. That is literally what saved me when I committed to recovery. Secondly, when things became overwhelming, I closed myself off from others. I did not vent, I did not reach out for help.
I would have thought that if I ever got this close to drinking that I would have been very down on myself, but I am actually very proud of myself. I was able to play the tape through and see that my REAL problems would only begin once I started drinking. Most of what was really bothering me about work was my mind running and thinking about countless "what-if" scenarios. In the contrary, if I drank I would have a real problem - immediately! Im glad didn't just throw in the towel and think "I'll deal with this later." Second, I knew, I just absolutely was certain, that it would not just be "one" drink. The difference in my attempt at sobriety at this time is I accepted my relationship with alcohol. I accepted that I am not a normal drinker (this only took about 10 years for me to accept!!). I accepted that once I start I cannot stop. I accepted the fact I can not socially drink. I accepted that I am powerless over alcohol. When I though about drinking, in the context of being truly powerless over alcohol - and still accepting that fact - I knew that it would not be one drink.
Anyway, I'm back on track now - running, venting, self-caring, and continuing to take my recovery one day at a time.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Nashville
Posts: 326
Thank you for this! Glad you ended up pouring it out. I had a similar incident a few weeks ago... stopped by the gas station and picked up a six pack... ended up playing the tape through and never drank it. So thankful I didn't pick up again, 
Member
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 249
Been there. I didn't have the strength you showed.
It's taken me years to get back to roughly a week sober.
I read the title and my eyes nearly popped.
I pray I never have to go through that again.
Thank you very much for you inspired post.
Snarly
It's taken me years to get back to roughly a week sober.
I read the title and my eyes nearly popped.
I pray I never have to go through that again.
Thank you very much for you inspired post.
Snarly
I Just Keep Coming Back
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 97
Thank you for sharing. It helps me to realize that we are all just one liquor store, convenience store, grocery store, party invite from relapse. Your story is very inspirational and has strengthened my resolve to work my plan. Thanks again Ethos!
grouphug:
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