1tiredwife

I've been married 10 years (15years together). My AH tries to stop drinking on his own. This is not effective. I have reached my end. We have 2 children who we both love and adore. He is moody, suffers gout attacks weekly, yells at our son and has cursed out both our children when stressed (our son. has behavior problems and is in therapy). I have reached the end of my rope. I love him but I cannot live this yo-yo life with him. I feel I have to choose between him and our children. He has received an ultimatum that our home will be alcohol free on a specific date or will be asked to leave. He refused outside help as he thinks he can be sober alone which he has proven time and time again that he cannot do this alone. He feels I am not supportive of him and I'm deserting him. Am I doing the right thing? I have to put my children and myself first now. Any advice from people who have delivered the ultimatum and left would be appreciated. Any advice from alcoholic fathers who have been given an ultimatum what is your perspective?

Thank you,
1tiredwife

Soberwolf

Hi 1Tiredwife it's really nice to meet you x

Algorithm

I don't believe that you are doing anything wrong. You are not deserting him, which would entail just leaving. You are giving him the option of choosing to fix the problem in order to save the family, and leaving it up to him to choose which is more important. That is actually a very reasonable course of action on your part.

Incidentally, this is precisely the approach recommended by Rational Recovery, the only organization which teaches addicted people how to quit on their own, in the privacy of their home. I would encourage you to look them up on a search engine, since their approach fits in with what your husband says he prefers to do.

He may be sincere, and may simply need some information (education) on how to do it. Their materials may also help you.

Forward12

Welcome. Unfortunately it is a common occurrence for alcoholism to tear families apart. You can give an alcoholic every ultimatum in the world, but unless they truly want to stop drinking, nothing is going to stop them.
There is also a family and friends of alcoholic forum on this site that could give you a bit more assistance from others in your shoes.

Zanna

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum 1Tiredwife!!

Horatio48

In my experience, ultimatums are problematic. They are by their nature, a threat: "if you don't give up drinking, I will leave you". If the drinker is fundamentally a good person who you value, a more supportive approach may work better. Encouraging them to seek help, making them feel loved, engaging with them as a person, reminding yourself of what drew you to the person in the first place. It's not easy. Good luck.