So here I am...checking things out...
 

I have been creeping on and off for a few days.

I do not think my mind is "ready" to quit just yet, but I know in my heart I'm headed there.

I always enjoyed a drink...from as long as I can remember, even as a teenager, as horrible as the hard stuff we stole from our parents was, it was just awesome.

Over the years I wax and wane...I can go for a few weeks whenever I get sick of it, to a full pregnancy with out drinking, but that was long ago. But never once did I think I needed help. I could always stop on my own...for my own reasons. And for my kids.

Fast forward now I'm in my 40's. Had some time off because I didn't like "the taste" of alcohol, which is kinda weird for me but does happen. Also, I was hit by a car 8 yrs ago and finally got myself off pain meds a bit over a year ago, because I was just done with the whole thing, the stigma, the hook it has on you etc. I consciously made the decision and bit the bullet. No one ever knew how much I took, and honestly compared to the rest of the world, Tylenol with codeine isn't that bad.

Since then, for pain, I have turned to a more erm...natural approach. Which is by no means a problem, however, in my effort to hide it a bit from my teen and tween while I got used to it, I would drink a bit more so they thought I was just drinking. I have no desire to let my kids think any of this is ok....

So a couple of months ago, my Mom ups and decides it's time to die after cheating death twice before with ruptured brain aneurysms. My daughter was my Mom's soul mate...born on my Moms birthday and my Mom cared so much for her as a baby and toddler while I worked! My Dad was broken, my brother broken, and frankly I got broken too, but being strong for everyone...I kind of fell off the deep end and stopped being able to keep my own stuff in check.

I never understood what the pull of alcohol was, until it was truly a pull. I knew I drank a lot, but never had an issue, until I did.

Now I shake in the morning, but I can go a full day with no drinks...as soon as I get home, my ritual is to pour a drink. Sometimes I run errands first, or maybe clean up, let dogs out etc...but inevitably it's always a drink.

I do not drink and drive and I most certainly make sure if my kids need to be somewhere that they can't get themselves that I don't drink until after. I'm pretty sure I'm what people refer to as a functioning alcoholic.

My last liver functions my AST was slightly elevated...I'm afraid to go back.

I am not here to preach that I'm going to get sober, or even claim to try at this point. I am here to read and learn, and I already see so many things that relate to me.

I hope that reading here will help my mind to make the transition to where it needs to be, because I know myself, I know my body, I know what will make me stop.

I'm a health care professional, and I cringe at the idea of therapy because they are just going to tell me what I would tell someone else. Even with the grief issues I have right now, I deal with death every day and comfort families...I know what to say, and I know what people are going to say to me, and for that reason I really am hesitant to even pay for a clinician. I don't want to cross addict to benzo's, because I know they would help what I'm going through, as a health care professional, I know that is where this will go, despite my being naive to the drug, I am afraid it would become a problem given my crappy history. so I am just trying to deal with this on my own. I'm not doing very well at that anymore. I've tried incense, stones, medication, relaxation, vit b complex, milk thistle, drinking water, blah blah blah...

I'm no stranger to addiction among family I know...also, I've lost a lot of weight, 30 lbs since my Mom passed. I also know that I've been eating salads and small sandwiches more as opposed to the fried food and crap, my tastes changed, but to someone who has tried to lose weight for years who loses it without trying, it's unexpected. I'm honestly at the point of being scared. Not even for myself but for my kids, husband, father, brother etc....I gotta get my stuff together, but I got to do it for me and I'm working up to that.

Thank you for letting me vent...I am watching the forums, and I am considering change.

Hello and Welcome Peggysue.

Hi, Peggysue! SR can help you stop drinking, it works. Stick around. :)

I hope so. I know I, myself need to come to terms what needs to happen. I just am a bit worried because I've always been able to do that myself...I've never been the weak one in a situation. It's hard to admit you are weak....

Welcome, and I'm sorry for the loss of your mother. I'm glad you found us and have been looking around here a bit. There is lots of inspiration here for stopping drinking. I hope you decide that you are ready.

I always thought I could stop drinking when I wanted to, but when I wanted/needed to I was devastated to find that I couldn't. Unfortunately we never see the invisible line until after we've crossed it and then it's too late. In the end, I found it exhausting to try to hide my drinking and plan my life around alcohol. I know what the being scared feels like and it's miserable. We're here for you if and when you decide to stop drinking.

It's great to meet you, Peggysue.

I was like you when I first came here. Knew in my heart I couldn't go on the way I was - but not quite ready to say my drinking days were over. I'm sorry you lost your mom, and for the impact it's had on your family. I always used alcohol to cope with emotions and stress - but it does nothing to help us heal from loss or pain. I wish it hadn't taken me so long to realize it only added to my anxiety.

Glad you are here and considering a new life for yourself. Reading and posting here helped me find the courage to change. You can do this.

Thank you...honestly...and to be fair to you all, perhaps I will log on tommorow when I get home from work and settled for the night...BEFORE I pour a drink. It is comforting to see so many people say what I feel.

Just creeping for now, not about to throw my drinking ass on ya'll haha! I am sure most of your new people are the people drinking.... Take care...and I am keeping an eye...I am ready, just want to do it for me...
working up to that...

We'll be here Peggysue. :)

Welcome Peggysue :)
I am also sorry to hear about your mom.

The anxiety is insane! Thats what worries me that if I go to the doctor they will get me hooked on benzo's....
But I also know that I cant do this alone anymore..and I refuse to tax my already taxed family to help me. I'm a pretty strong person when I have to be, just need the kick in the pants..

and honestly, thank you for such a warm welcome. I've admitted I'm drinking, and yet, you didn't judge, and still welcomed me...it means a lot. I'm working up to it...I think I just need a bit of a boost...

There are plenty of options for the anxiety, you can speak to your dr about your concerns considering the benzo's. Anxiety is forced my to quit...... It's very manageable now. In hindsight, I'm thankful now for the anxiety toward then end of my drinking. It likely saved my life.

Have a good night. Hope to see you back soon and often.

"Anxiety is what forced me to quit..."

wow...interesting to hear that REsober! I literally feel a **** ton of anxiety all day, but I know how to shut it off, but when I get home I just blah! Anxiety definitely worse. My anxiety never was an issue aside from a little ocd but I never had that full body "holy crap I can feel every cell feeling anxious" in my body...this is new and I hate it!

Yes.... That's exactly how it started. Little things here and there, never really an issue too bad...... Until one day, it was all I could do to make through a 15 min meeting without running the other way. within a month or two that followed, I found myself having to walk/run away from more and more normal everyday things I've never had a problem doing. What a terrible cycle, slammed two beers and it was gone.... Just never stopped at 2. Pretty soon it was happening earlier and earlier in the day.... (The panic)

The anxiety equals brain damage.

Mine was off and on...through the roof.

I would have to be careful how i approached the day.

I snacked alot...all day. Seemed to help.

I have been sober 16 months and the anxiety is so much better.

I can listen to the radio while driving now. I can walk through the mall w out tons of stress.

So much better.

Get clean. Change up the life a bit. Stay clean.

Greetings PeggySue and welcome to SR.
This is such a wonderful community. Please stick around :)

Thank you....just trying to do my "rock bottom" and looking at what is the most appropriate options for someone that is a well known professional, mother first and foremost and wife!....REsober, that is kinda weird...I noticed anxiety is just a "thing" now....like I can feel every cell quivering when I sit still...that came during the time my Mom passed...like if I sit still I have to think. Even during meetings at work I just have to get up....I didnt realize that was a thing....I'm kinda realizing that maybe I'm that far gone that this crap is happening now...

Welcome, I hope you will decide to stick around. I promise you will not regret it. Getting sober has been so good for me physically and mentally. It has also had a very positive impact on my family and career.

Hi Peggysue,

I completely understand the desire to hide the problem, how will my friends react or what would my clients think if they knew my dark secret? I hid in my personal prison for many years.....I used to say, "I am strong, I have quit many times on my own and can do it again". That was part of the problem, why did it take so many years of booze research for me to see that it is slowly taking my life? One drunk day at a time I began to loose, my children's respect, my relationships, my friends, my clients, my life.
I have finally finished my research....
I hope your journey is a blessed one....this is a great start!