PiratePrentice

Is that a thing? I'm worried I'm engaging in it. I'm trying to stay active in these forums (I've recently spread out to some of the other boards, too), both for my recovery and to help others.

Occasionally, sometimes (often a newcomer, like me) will post, saying something I can 100% relate to, and I feel like I can offer them support and advice, based on what I know.

I'm finding that my posts are often incidentally contrary to what everyone else is saying. I'm speaking directly from my experiences and what has worked for me in the past. I'm not trying to be a contrarian- I'm trying to help. I'm not discounting anything anyone else is saying in a thread. I'm just worried that when my responses and advice stick out like a sore thumb, I'm not helping. It feels like what I say is seen as dubious or questionable.

Is there just one general mindset of recovery around here? Am I too new to the board to have not understood it yet? Should I just hold my tongue and not offer support or advice that doesn't seem to fit in with everyone else's? Does the mindset for recovery here derive from a specific recovery system I should become familiar with? These aren't antagonistic questions, by the way- I genuinely feel like I might be doing something wrong because I missed out on something.

Again, I'm just offering what I've found helpful in my experience. Is it okay to go against the grain in a thread, so long as I'm following the rules of the forum, and if I 100% believe that what I'm saying is helpful? I just want to make sure that I'm actually helping. I don't want to be saying things contrary to general beliefs that might be held by the forum. Also, hope I'm asking on account of anyone else who has felt like this and not just me. Thanks!

Anna

Absolutely not. We embrace any and all methods of recovery here, and I'm not sure why you would think otherwise. We have many members who follow many paths to recover and it's all good. There is nothing you have missed out on.

If you are offering your own experience, that's great.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html

freshstart57

I think if you are respectful, you are welcome to say whatever you choose concerning your experience. I don't see much point in being the fifth in a thread to say precisely the same thing as the OP, personally, so I tend to offer a contrasting opinion when I feel it might be helpful.

All recovery modalities are open for recommendation, with the possible exception of moderation. For most of us, moderation seems much the same as continued drinking. And we are agin it.

Maudcat

I know what you mean, PP. sometimes my comments are true to me, but not really mainstream in the discussion. All I can say is 1) everyone's experience in recovery is different, though of course we can find things about it that are similar. 2) I try to always be respectful in my posts, even if I am not agreeing with what is being said. I hope that others will treat me the same. If I'm out of line, I acknowledge that I am and move on. I think there is room here on the site for everyone to share their experiences,. Peace.

PiratePrentice

Got it. Thank you, both. I was just starting to feel worried that I wasn't offering the right kind of advice, because it didn't fit in. I'm glad others's approaches don't always fit in as well, and that there are always multiple ways to come at a problem. Sorry if this post came off a little paranoid. Just wanted to make sure I was doing everything right!

Behappy1

I think the destination is the same - sobriety. There are MANY paths to get there. I say share what works for you! It may help someone else see a path that works for them.

doggonecarl

Staying within forum rules, we can pretty much post what we want, contrary or not. If it's extremely contrary, you might get called out on it.

When I first came here, my posts were shared experience and support. I didn't feel I could offer advice about getting sober since I hadn't attained any lasting recovery myself. Six years alcohol free, I feel more confident about offering concrete suggestions...but again they are only based on my own recovery and may not mesh with someone else's idea of getting sober and staying that way.

tekink

As long as you make sure you're clear you are simply offering your perspective only and other folks milage may vary.

Some of us will share similar effects that others do not have. It's not a one size fits all approach.

I think seeing different perspectives helps tremendously, some will apply and some will not.

MissPerfumado

Staying respectful is key. And of course adhering to the rules of the forum. There are a couple of rules that we get reminded of from time to time - the one against medical advice, for example.

I've found all your posts to be very respectful in tone, PP, for what it's worth.

The mods do a great job of keeping us within the rules. When a reminder about the rules is posted, it's not always because there's been a transgression of the rules. My observation is that it's usually because the discussion is at risk of heading into that territory not because it necessarily has.

Everyone's experience is valid and of course lending support is a great thing. It can be a lonely scary thing posting for help on these boards, so I think if you're inclined to post a response to someone, you should go right ahead.

PiratePrentice

Thanks, MP. Yes, I always try to remain respectful. On a recent thread, it was clear that it was heading downhill quickly. It reached a breaking point when someone else said something that was clearly not helpful, relevant, or respectful. I was worried I had led him down that road, so I replied to him and gently told him it wasn't the place. Luckily, both of our posts got deleted, so the thread was able to continue without all the negativity.

I should probably make YMMV more clear in my posts. I feel like my drinking problem is a bit unique, and as a result, my advice for reaching recovery can come out as counterintuitive. Then again, I suppose everyone feels that way about their problem. Thanks, everyone, for the reassurance. I will make sure to maintain respect, point out that what works for me may not work for all, and to follow forum rules.

awuh1

Just because your beliefs are contrary to those of many others does not make them incorrect or unhelpful. There are a huge number of generally accepted facts that prominent scientists had a difficult time accepting when they were first proposed (for example that the speed of light is a constant, time and space had a beginning etc.).

If however you are fairly new to recovery and find yourself holding very different views from large numbers of people with substantial sobriety it might be in your best interest to explore these differences. Again, the fact that you hold different beliefs and perspectives does not make you incorrect.

"I am reminded in this connection of the picture of a hub with its radiating spokes. We all start at the outer circumference and approach our destination by one of many routes. To say that one spoke is much better than all the other spokes is true only in the sense of its being best suited to you as an individual." Dr. Bob, AA's co-founder

Purpleskye

All opinions stated within the guidelines are definitely welcome! Someone who may find themselves thinking one wa, perhaps different from their research and becoming discouraged could find that you, or anyone else, was actually on their same thought path - saving them from feeling crazy, disheartened and frustrated. We are are all just trying to figure it out, and two heads are better than one three heads better than two and so on!

NoelleR

Hey PP, I've noticed that you've used the term 'advice' a number of times, and a 'telling' someone something (ie: what to do or not do).....

You've only been abstinent/sober for a minute. You might want to rephrase what you have to say and make them 'suggestions;' especially suggestions backed by your own experience (with whatever it is you're suggesting). Suggestions go over way better than advice, and experience is a great foundation.................

(o:

cwood3

PP.....I have just one question for you, and I want an honest answer.

Is a "contrarian" the person who screens people for illegal contraband when entering a public library...???



Keep posting, you're doing fine!!!

PiratePrentice

You're completely right, though I think that may just be the semantics I used in this thread. Going back through my posts, any "advice" I offered was either actually a suggestion, or was disclaimed with the fact that I relapsed and have only been sober for a few days. I've done a good job of being upfront about that. So you're right that I need to be more careful with my language, but I think the advice/suggestion mix-up is limited to the language I used in this thread. I'll be careful not to use it elsewhere. Thanks for the... advice, haha.

REsoberALITY

Hey pp. I think every now and again I've felt the same way too. What I've realized though, not only through posting but also from reading a lot is, if I or someone else is being honest about anything we've been through, are going through and how we felt in those times, even if it doesn't help the person in the immediate thread....... It may help someone else here along their way. And it may help someone who's been lurking decide it's time to join us and end their cycle of addiction. Lots of people are reading here...... Not just the people posting. Keep posting when you feel you can contribute, or to encourage, or just to let people know "someone" is listening to them. That's what's helped me most from reading responses since I've joined here.

Mountainmanbob

The most common advice that I see here is for ones withdrawing to seek the advice of their doctor. Other than that it seems to be pretty much wide open.

Enjoy and nice having you here.
M-Bob

Dee74

Like Anna and others have said, everyone is free to share their experience

Experience shared can't really be argued with, but sometimes its possible others want to respond to the advice you give or the conclusions you draw from that experience.

Personally I learned a lot from those who challenged me - sometimes it turned out I was right - but often I realised I was wrong too.

For all those who may be new to SR, if you feel a particular poster is not going to be helpful to you, you're free to use the ignore function.

It's not a cop out or an avoidance IMO- it's simply a way to use this website for your recovery, without being distracted by drama, which can be intoxicating in its own way.

You can also use the report post button to report posts you feel break our rules:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ting-tips.html

Dee
Moderator
SR

EndGameNYC

If most people were to agree with me, I'd have to think that I'm doing something wrong. And, though it's not intended to entertain, this would also be a very boring place. At least for me.

bexxed

I think of this forum as a place to have a dialogue. It seems to me that a dialogue is the most honest when people say what they think, or experience. In other words, a dialogue is honest when the participants are authentic.

Every time I have said "the wrong thing" (and I certainly have) it gives me something to think about. I've seen others do it also and it is always illustrative, which helps me.

If this forum were judgmental that wouldn't work. But it's the least judgmental place. I find that very helpful.