2muchpain

Thanks. Sometimes I just get knocked off track, but so far, I've managed to straighten up and keep going. Don't want to go back to the horrors of the past with cuts, bruises, etc. I'd rather die than go through that again. It's a hell only a drunk can understand. I might not have a lot of F2F support, but I still have a life that's better than others less fortunate than me and I need to make the most of it. I have a lot to be grateful for and need to remember that. I'm surprised that I'm even alive today, considering all the damage I've done to myself. It just makes no sense that I'm even still here. The drugs and alcohol I've ingested would of put six people in the grave. Should of been dead many years ago. I figure I like everybody else is here for a reason, and I'm still alive cause my being here provides something positive to the world. It might be really really small, but someone out there is better off because of me. John

Soberpotamus

People are better off because of you. Here, too. I am. I always read your posts.

Why do you think you drank yesterday? Any particular reason?

And what do you plan to do next time the craving hits?

2muchpain

Really don't know why I drank yesterday. Maybe cause I figured it doesn't make any sense not to drink. Nobody is affected by my drinking. I drink alone in my apartment. I don't bother anybody. My drinking doesn't affect anybody. Sometimes I just have no reason not to. If I end up with any physical problems, I'll have to deal with it on my own. It's not that nobody cares, it's just there is nobody. Burned myself pretty bad a few years ago because of drinking. The doctor wanted to sedate me to clean the wound. Couldn't do it cause I would have to have somebody to drive me home. She was surprised that I had nobody that would do that. I was surprised that she was surprised cause I figured many people are in this perdicament. Maybe I'm more alone than I think. So, to answer your question, I drank cause I'm alone and can. John

2muchpain

Not to promote drinking cause it only leads to a horrible end, but my situation is perfect for a drunk. I only work when I want to. I can go a week and not work. Nobody will call to see whats up. God forbid but I could end up bleeding on my kitchen floor and nobody would know. Not feeling sorry for myself. It's just my reality. It is what it is. We all have our burdens to deal with. That's mine. No big deal deal really compared to others. John

overforty

Hi John
This post echoes my life completely!
I think the only difference is that I work with the elderly not children.
I have no family left - no close friends that I can rely on and I live alone.
The only consequences of my drinking is killing myself.
No one else would care!

I think the only option we have left is to try and stop.
Just try.
Just to see if it's any better
Xx

Dee74

That was my reality too John.
But I changed it - and you can too

D

Mklove

John, glad you are better. I think you agree with me that having this place to open up is important. F2F of course, but I really like reading what others are experiencing and listening to comments.

2muchpain

It really wasn't a craving. Just felt like drinking. Just couldn't come up with a reason not to. Like I said before,; it really makes no difference to anybody. Have a few beers left, so I'm drinking them now. I figure, why not? No excuse really. My life is pretty good compared to others. I wish there was a reason. At least I can blame it on something. I'm home alone and just don't see a reason to not drink if that makes sense. But I'm back to work on Wednesday, so I know I will quit after these beers. Drinking at 6 in the morning is just nuts. John

2muchpain

Back to your question. Don't know what I will do if I want to drink. Maybe not wanting to add on to my cuts and scars from previous drinking will be enough. I got a lot of them. John

Soberpotamus

You wanted to drink. Your schedule allows for it. There are no others in your life you're accountable to, outside of the kids at work or staff, then. Yes, I can see that opens up a lot of free time and possibility to drink and, you're justify the drinking because it doesn't hurt others, only yourself.

What is your personal philosophy or worldview, John? I ask because my personal philosophy is rather bleak, and yet I still want to live out the time I have left on earth and do some things I believe hold meaning and will bring some sort of quality to my life, make some meaning of apparent meaninglessness.

I am not comparing 'my philosophy' vs 'yours' at all. I just wanted to point out that there are many reasons to live. And to not live in a drunken stupor (which really isn't living).

I can definitely understand your reasoning. But I think the alcohol may be clouding things a bit. They say there's only one fundamental question in life: To decide for oneself whether life is worth living. And when you decide (and assuming you want to live), what do you do then (how do you live)? Living drunk is like not living. I know; I was there. I didn't want to come face to face with answering the second part of that for about, oh, 10-15 years.

Many will tell you there's all sorts of reasons to live. Maybe so. But only you can decide what that means for you.

2muchpain

Your post doesn't sound bleak at all. Maybe I'm missing something. For me, I've come close to death several times, mainly due to my own intentions. But sometimes I think of all the people I have met that I wouldn't have if my attempts to kill myself worked. I got a couple of hugs from the kids at the last school I worked at. So, I must of made a difference to those kids that wouldn't of happened if I wasn't here. So I guess my philosophy of life is to spread the good to people I touch. Even though I spend most of my time alone, I'd like to think my interactions make a positive affect on others. Even a "hi" or "how's it going" to the person at the grocery store can make a difference in that person's life. Your probably doing more good than you know. John

Soberpotamus

Seems to me there's an element missing. I get everything you say except ... why is that you want to spread the good, touch others' lives, make a difference to others if your own life isn't worth that much, leading you to feel it's OK to drink when you're not around others?

I guess what I'm saying is: Others matter to you. Why don't you think you matter to you? You're one among many, no better, no less. Right?

Seems the missing element here is the inherent value of your own life. Your intrinsic worth. If they mean something or matter, don't you matter just as much?

And your answer can't be: Well, if I matter, then why don't others acknowledge me or show me that I matter.

I am asking YOU. Certainly you can't be one of a group of people roaming the earth who has no or very little intrinsic value. (Because from your writings, it's plain to see you do have good qualities.)

kinzoku

Love it!

My students are a continual source of strength for me as well. They teach me patience, perseverance, integrity and honesty. A room full of kids can sniff out dishonesty and in-congruence immediately.

stevieg46

Hi John .

I have read some of your posts in the past on here , you have periods of drinking and not drinking , I, as an alcoholic can understand your reasoning and justifications for taking advantage of your situation and just lifting a drink with very little thought or guilt , you say I am on my own , no -one to answer to I am not hurting or harming anyone . What I have learned to do is separate the AA program from AA members and AA meetings , otherwise ''toughen up '' when it comes to AA , AA talks about having no mental defense against the first drink , that is true but only if we do not put in the effort to get rid of our old ideas , if we continue thinking the same way the same things happen ''if your thinking is stinking it will not be long to your drinking .

Change must occur of we are to have any chance of recovery , its a good idea to swap our obsession'' make sobriety the magnificent obsession , the most important thing in the world , that is getting your priorities right .

I f you don't put in the work then nothing will change you will keep getting the same old same old with nothing to look forward to , you need to give yourself something to look forward too , set some goals even if its financial say for a really good holiday or whatever , you need to have a plan , cos if you don't then doing the same things over and over and hoping for a different result is senseless , you need to start loving yourself to start believing no-one is better or lesser , go back to AA keep trying different meetings but go back with a different attitude , right now you need to be really selfish for yourself , think of yourself as the most important person at the meeting , your story is the worst you ever heard cos it happened to you , you need to toughen up quickly if possible , cos if you don't.
then nothing is going to change .

Study and really digest the Big Book without drinking off and on , get to grips with the program and try to understand it , do this and you will feel ''HOPE'' go to meetings and get a hold of a newcomer when your ready and befriend them and do some meetings together . This feeling of not seeing yourself as being needed wanted and loved will soon disappear , you then should start trying to correspond also with some of the AA members on here do this on forum off forum whatever , things will definitely improve for you ''if you really want to stay sober and have a new way of thinking and living '' a feeling of belonging , a part of something and your live will change for the better .

John no magic wands , you wont go to bed and wake up some morning with everything changed for the better , you need to ''want it badly enough '' .

You can PM me if you want anytime , you are ''not alone '' if it helps I really care about you as do loads of others on here , start caring for yourself

Stevie recovered 12 03 2006

2muchpain

Stevie; I know I have to get back on track real soon. Otherwise, things will go south real quick. Sometimes, I lose focus and forget what's really important. And your right, living day to day with no goals is a recipe for disaster. I had around 8 months not long ago, so I know what I need to do. Just got to quit feeling sorry for myself and get my butt in gear. John

stevieg46

How are doing now John , been thinking about you.

Stevie recovered 12 03 2006

2muchpain

Hi!!!! Nice to know someone's thinking about me. That always surprises me for some reason. Thanks!!
Had a few beers early last week but am doing fine today. Just having a hard time finding reasons not to drink which makes no sense, considering the hell I've been through in the past. I think I'm just a little down right now. I have plenty of reasons not to drink, but right now, they just don't seem to matter. Trying to find things to do so I have stuff to look forward to other than work and the gym. Pretty excited today cause I bought a ticket to the Bucs football game. For some reason, the lady at the stadium said it was invalid. That was a bummer. Thought of drinking but didn't. Not sure what direction I'm going with this drinking thing TBH, but right now I'm just fighting this "I don't care" attitude. Just don't see where I have anything to lose.
Anyway, hope all is going well with you and thanks again for thinking about me. Gets pretty lonely sitting in my apartment by myself sometimes. Have a great evening. John

stevieg46

John nice to hear from you in a not to bad frame of mind.
You mention the hard times you have had , let me share that over 9 years ago and about 1 year sober I found out that my father that had died 3 years previous had been sexually abusing my daughter since she was 7 years of age , she was 33 yrs old at the time , I then found out my youngest brother had raped her when she was 13 years old , my father had died 40 yrs in AA .

Understandably resentment kicked in and through the close attention of some AA guys I calmed down , we got the police involved , my brother was charged , my wife had two nervous breakdowns and was in a sanitarium on two occasions , my daughter was in a terrible state , she finished up in counselling and today she is well .

My wife as of today is not well she will never get over it, she is very difficult to live with and it still affects her badly .


Back then I was bumping into some AA members and they were saying things like ''oh your father is badly missed he was a wonderful example to AA ? ''I had to deal with that , at that time I was the strong one , holding it all together . The case against my brother was dropped insufficient evidence , it was a trying time, out of the blue I hit the deck , I was confined to a psychiatric hospital in a locked ward , sectioned under the mental health act , that happened three times in 14 months . I was diagnosed with BI-POLAR 2 and was on very heavy medication up until two years ago , I stopped going to AA simply because I was doped up , but I joined about 5 online sobriety forums to compensate , I was on these forums 7 days a week for 6- 7 hours everyday ,it saved my life and my sanity , my mother had took my brothers side and defended him till she died 7 years ago , I had did everything for her and my father for years attended to their finances , health concerns , got groceries in and even took them on holidays which I paid for , she never at any time told me she loved me or cared for me , never once gave me a hug , she was incapable of doing so, as was her mother . She sent the police to my door 3 times through threats I made concerning my brother , he robbed her for about $ 25,000 also , she turned her back on me and my family , she died and I refused to go and see her , I went to the funeral reluctantly and my younger brother stayed well in the background . Her actions tore me apart , but I never returned to alcohol .

Due to the medication and me also stopping smoking due to emphysema my weight was up to 252 lbs , breathless using an inhaler 5 times a day , my waist line was 48 inches . I was sitting just over two years ago thinking to myself ''Stevie what type of funeral do you want ? '' I was coming up 68 years old , listless , lethargic no energy no get up and go , could not be bothered with anything or anyone felt my life was finished . Out of the blue I looked online and brought up BI -POLAR , it informed me that the section of the brain that housed the manic behavior and depressive state of the condition ''could be altered '' by vigorous exercise and proper nutrition > changing the Endorphins in the brain , I then looked up Emphysema and it said it was irreversible but that the ''lung capacity '' could be enlarged by lots of swimming .!!!!! > HOPE for the first time in near 8 years rushed in , my entire outlook towards life changed . I had read a book many years ago in the 70s ''Power of Positive Thinking '' by Norman Vincent Peale , I remembered a passage about a high jump champion saying her secret was '' throwing her mind over the bar and her body followed '' . John I honestly sat there and visualized myself 60 lbs lighter and a waistline of 34-36 inches plus an increased lung capacity '' my lung capacity at that time was point 9 ''.

I made an appointment with the psychiatrist in charge of my case and informed her that ''as of tomorrow '' I was reducing my medication all the way down to zero . She was shocked and adamant that I would finish up back in hospital by doing so, I said to her '' I am 68 years old next birthday and I do not know how long I have left ? but I do not want to spend whatever time I have got felling the way I have felt for the past 7 and a bit years '' I said to her that I wanted to try it out and that I would get in touch asap with any adverse effects , It had been near 7 years without any episodes but that was the medication.

I was on a drug called Depokate for the manic side of the illness , I was on 1000 gm each day 250 in the morning and 750 in the evening , I was on Citalopram for the depressive side of the condition ''I think it was 60 gm in the morning .

It took about 14 weeks to get down to zero , I started watching my eating and I started walking then got into swimming and the gym also .

John today I am a 34 inch waist my weight is 198 lbs and my ''lung capacity has increased 400 % '' my lung capacity is 4. 1 .

I am back at meetings , drug free for over two years , the hospital say I am a miracle, an inspiration . My efforts in the AA program even though taking medication at the time , and now without any medication , I can only say my recovery has accelerated , I have experienced a ''spiritual awakening ''as the results of the 12 steps . I have tremendous peace and contentment and am extremely happy most of the time , I have a tremendous faith in God in a ''spiritual sense '' my wife will never get better she is her own worst enemy , I cannot change that , I can only be there , my daughter is doing very well she has had closure due to counselling , I am over 70 years old I have two great grand children , I have a tremendously worthwhile life , AA says ''beyond your wildest dreams '' that is true John , alcohol plays no part in my life , I have no thoughts about it , the obsession has been removed and I have been restored to sanity . John all those years with the feelings about my mother , my father , my brother , my condition , I felt very very lonely too , the only thing I was consistent with was staying away from the first drink .

John if I can overcome all this , then so can you , AA works if you work it .

I go to the health club 6 days a week , gym /swim / sauna steam room , jacuzzi I am there for 7 am , I am fit as a fiddle and loving life , you can join in to you know , take care my friend.

Regards Stevie recovered 12 03 2006

2muchpain

Stevie, I just read your last post and I'm speechless. Just don't know what to say. It truly is a miracle that you were able to get through all that. I can't imagine the strength it must of took. Absolutely amazing Stevie, just amazing. Thanks for sharing. John

teatreeoil007

John, thanks for this thread. Puts things in a different perspective, doesn't it...when we are around others who have it so much worse than us. Helps get me back to gratitude end of the spectrum.