ReadyAtLast

As the title says I never thought I'd be writing this. I stopped drinking in December 2012 after many attempts at stopping, lasting a few weeks.

I stopped in 2012 and got my life in order.Since then my life has improved so much. I have a job I love, live in a place I love, have happy child, a great relationship, all around a good life. It's not perfect-I have money issues at times and some stressful situations. I've been through a bad marriage breakdown, unemployement, friend problems etc since quitting and never thought to drink again. I honestly thought I would never drink again.

A few weeks ago I did drink. Didn't particularly enjoy it nor were there any problems. I just felt so bad afterwards and guilty. Last week I started to think about it again and drank again. Now I can't think of anything else. Nothing bad happened so surely I can be ok to do it again? Don't get me wrong I know I can't control it. I CAN stop once I start I just don't want to stop when I start. I know that isn't normal. I know the fact that driving home from work today at 1pm when all I could think about was stopping at the shop and getting wine and then talking myself out of it isn't normal. I know when we went out to eat tonight my potential plan to say my car had broken down so I could get a lift home, enabling me to drink isn't normal ( I didn't do it but I THOUGHT of it)

I'm ok now I've eaten I don't want to drink but it is scaring me so much how these thoughts are entering my head so frequently and intensely of late. I am under great stress trying to sell my house - so close to completion yet it could all fall down around me before it is finalized.
I have financial issues which will be resolved when the house is sold although it just feels like a whole stack of cards ready to fall down at any time. Of course drinking won't solve any of it.

the man I am now with knows I don't drink (didn't drink) and he knows why. He never knew me before. He was scared when I drank again as thought I would turn into some crazy person and was relieved when I didn't. the problem with this is he thinks I'm ok to drink now and again. Not that he's encouraging it - just tells me not to be so hard on myself. Which is like a green card- oh I'm ok reaally? No I'm not - I don't think for a minute that I've not drank for 3 1/2 years and now I'm cured or can control it - I know that's not the case. I just can't shake these incessant thoughts of drinking entering my mind.

I never thought I would be writing this - I genuinely thought I would never pick up again. why the heck is it so easy to creep back in? has any one experienced this after a few years sober?

Bruno1979

Mmmm,

Hi Ready,

Yes it is a strange one. I personally wouldn't advise that you drink again, and if I was in your position now I would start an alcohol free life over again,

There's no escaping the fact though that some people can drink normally, and it doesn't effect their lifestyle.

Are you cured and now you're one of those people? Possibly, and there's only one way to find out.

Is it worth the risk? Probably not.

Good luck,

Bruno.

ReadyAtLast

Thanks bruno. No I don't think I'm cured at all. There is no cure. I know the answer I just wish the thoughts would stop.

2ndhandrose

Welcome ReadyAtLast

Several years ago I quit drinking, was sober for 6 years, and like you, I never thought I would drink again. Until I did.

And, also like you, once I start I don't want to stop. This led me to a 22ish year relapse.

I have been sober again for the past 1 yr and 9 mths.

I have gained so much from SoberRecovery, knowledge, support, and just knowing there is somewhere for me to turn 24/7, it is priceless.

It sounds like you know that you can't control your alcohol use.

I hope you stick around

doggonecarl

You've unleashed the beast by drinking. No matter how strong your recovery was, it can't hold up to drinking. And the fact that you drank indicates that something was wrong. Perhaps your vigilance wavered, perhaps you never really accepted NEVER drinking again. But you drank. And now you have to decide how far you are going to let it spiral out of control.

ReadyAtLast

Thanks joe, it helps to know it's not just me though I wouldn't wish a period of sobriety on anyone and then pick up again. It's crazy.

Soberwolf

Are you still drinking ?

EndGameNYC

That's similar to the circumstances under which I started drinking after twenty five years without a drink. And I started as "casually" as you seem to have done. Unlike you, I harbored a reservation to drink again, though with little conviction. Or so I thought. Yet a large part of me never expected that I'd drink again.

I carried a vague and infrequent fantasy to drink again when I was older and retired. Especially if I were alone when that day came. I barely acknowledged my reservation around drinking again, and generally thought little of until it was much too late.

It took me three years to come back from a devastating relapse, and I only did so because I brought myself to a place where I could no longer tend to basic needs. I ultimately got sober in spite of my own thinking, and only with the help of people who had come to care for me. It was the most difficult and the most excruciating process that I've ever experienced. Given my history, that's saying a lot.

I don't wish that experience on anyone, and I don't at all know what I'd do were I faced with it again.

Get out while you can, in spite of your thinking. You never know which drink will be the one that leads you to destroying everything good in your life.

tomsteve

something ive read of people is when they picked up a drink after time sober, they didn't take off getting rip snortin drunk right off the get go. there was a gradual increase but after that 1st drink, the obsession of the mind was there- thinking about alcohol was constant, a constant battle, and eventually "f-it"- no more trying to control it.

personally I haven't said im never drinking again.
but ive not drank today for quite a few todays.

sooo, how to stop the thoughts....... early on I had serious problem with the mental obsession. I did a LOT of praying and working at turning my attention to something more useful.

" why the heck is it so easy to creep back in?"
typin "creep back in" is sayin to me that drink was being worked on for some time before the drink was taken. can ya look back and see where something might have happened where the thought of a drink came up and ya didn't stop the lie?

Jeni26

Hi RAL, good to see you posting again.

Yup, I've been in your shoes. A few good years of sobriety, then a relapse, a few months again, then a drink or 2, then a slow but steady decline until I was lost and desperate.

Alcoholism is really cunning, it screws with our emotions and even when we KNOW the truth, it whispers it's lies to confuse us.

You are a different person these days, you know you can quit and you know how good it feels.

I'm here to say there's life after relapse, I am 7 months sober again, and I feel strong and happy in my sobriety this time. I can't mess about with this thing, my sobriety has become my top priority and I'm guarding it fiercely. I love my life now.

If you need to do something else for your recovery, do it. Don't hesitate to try something that you haven't before. Ask for help and accept it wherever it comes. And believe you can get back on track...I know you can xxx

Delilah1

Hi Ready,

Glad you are back! I also joined in 2012, and just now am getting close to nine months. I muddled between stints of sobriety, and failed attempts at moderation for a few years.

I am so glad to be back and to finally have figured out that I need to truly focus on my recovery each day.

I am proud of you for coming back now before the drinking starts to increase.

PurpleKnight

Great job on posting and coming back ReadyAtLast!!

Best I think to draw a very quick and strong line under the episode and keep moving forward, you've got the tools in the toolbox, add a few more and don't let things spiral anymore . . . you can do this!!

Deleteda

Hi Ready, we were in the December class together. I'm so sorry to hear you've relapsed and I think you should take this extremely seriously, whatever you did in the first place (sorry I can't remember) you need to go right back to it and double it. Sounds like you are under a lot of stress right now and maybe been heading for a relapse for a while, you've also got a few warning signs there, your new partner thinking you can drink now and again is just music to the old AVs ears. Please make a huge effort to get back to sobriety, you've done fantastically well over the last three years. I've been relapsing on and off since back then, it's hell to be honest, it's progressive and is getting worse, put in a big fight and stop now, carrying on will just lead to misery. Sending you good wishes and strength
Peace X

Verte

ReadyAtLast, welcome back. It just so happens that I find myself in similar circumstances, but I am fairly speechless these days so I especially doubly, triply appreciate your thread.

Doggonecarl, Alcohol as a subject simply faded from and lost any significance in my life - I allowed this to happen, all the while sensing the danger, but just let it go. The door was already open and swung free. Now the obsession and compulsion to drink feels relentless.

Again, welcome back ReadyAtLast. Whaddya say we stick around?

courage2

I'm so glad you posted, RAL!

I think you've taken a really good step by spilling the beans here, not just that you drank, but about how you're thinking and feeling.

I get thoughts about drinking, sometimes often. I *know* that if I pick up a drink, no matter whether I could put down the drink for a day or a week, I won't be able to put down the thoughts. And though it's the drink that would kill me, it's the obsession to drink that would drive me to death.

The only way I know to keep the thoughts away is not to drink. Even a little sip feeds them.

I think maybe it's time for you to lay on support? I suggest you go back to doing what worked for you before, plus add something new.

Dee74

Hi Ready

I'm sorry you had to find out how easy it is to go back, but in another way I'm glad - one because nothing 'bad' happened, and two because fear is great for chasing out complacency...

Fear will only stay with you so long tho. I really think this is a great time to nut out what a recovery plan might look like to you, and start to follow it?

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html

D

fred59

RAL from my experience I did lose the obsession right away it takes time, my advice is get in a program there are many find one that works for you. I use 4 different programs including SR and I used a therapist for a few months that did not work so well but I gave it a go.
I had 8,555 days of continuous sobriety and made a decision to drink again I do not call it relapse. I drank for 18 months and when it stopped working and the obsession to drink was back and had a grip on me I made the decision to stop, I got right back into recovery mode and I work on my recovery everyday.
The community of recovery meaning fellowship is what works for me and being of service.
Do not beat yourself up over drinking again and take advantage of all the tools of recovery we have at our disposal, you can do it.

Notimetoloose

Hi RAL, it sounds like you woke the beast, the only thing we can do is the work to put it back to sleep and adhere to rule 1: Never have that first drink.
I was always trying to get and stay sober, constantly relapsing after a few days, a few months...I kept trying but every time I was drinking and trying to stop I would get scared and think is this relapse the one that will kill me or is it the relapse that I won't be able to stop and live in this misery.
You have got this, you had over 3 years, don't get fooled again.

lovetolisten

It is unreal how patient this disease at, after 3, 6, and for Endgame NYC, 25 years. To the OP, I'm sorry this has happened but get off the train asap. Don't let it be an excuse to go back. You know you are capable of long term sobriety, get back to it!

ReadyAtLast

Thank you Carl -you're right the beast has definitely been unleashed.