Back after screwing up after 15 months
 

Hi everyone. I had a good 15 months of sobriety when I decided to screw up everything that I had been working on.

I started drinking again. I'm binge drinker (weekend warrior) and I black out 95% of the times that I drink. Yesterday I spent 9 hours at a bar. Yes, nine freakin' hours. The last two hours of the night are non-existent/a blur. I am sure that I embarrassed myself. It is such a scary feeling to have a moment when you look around and realize that all your friends had left the bar but you don't remember them actually leaving. This happens all too much to me and I am sick of it.

I am ready to quit drinking again. Sick and tired of this sick cycle that I'm in: Drink --> blackout. embarrass myself. offend others. lie about everything. gossip. spend way, way too much money at bars. make a complete fool of myself --> wake up feeling like i'm on death's door physically. mentally the feelings of shame and self-hatred are too powerful to put into words. go into work looking and smelling awful. --> the shame and depression continues into to Tuesday and Wednesday --> Thursday comes and I feel better. I think to myself it "wasn't that bad" and that I blew it out of proportion to myself. --> drink again. waste the weekend in the twilight zone while drinking and then the subsequent afternoons spent in bed hungover.

so i am committing today to break the cycle. i absolutely hate alcohol and do not want it in my life anymore. i want my sobriety and dignity back. no more blackouts, no more drinking related issues that get my into trouble with people i care about. no more obsession.

i look forward to posting with everyone again.

Hugs to you! I understand.

Glad you made it back! Pick yourself up, brush yourself off, and get back at it. We're here for you!!

Do you remember what particular thoughts or feelings brought you to make that decision? What does "had been working on" mean?

Focus on this -- single minded determination.

Sometimes we only want to avoid the negative consequences, which are often difficult to remember, hence my first question.

Welcome. Regroup. Make a plan.

I'm sorry you had to go through that again Josh, but welcome back :)

D

Welcome back, J-man. You did it 15 months, you can do it again! Just gotta nip those drinking thoughts in the bud....

Josh,

Welcome back.

15 months clean and back out. Really have to respect the addiction.

Now you are physically addicted again. You know the drill.

I'm just over 16 months clean.

Now I say....never ever drinking again. It is a sub conscious door slam on the av.

It is avrt stuff.

You have to find a hobby to immerse into. Working out might not cut it. It gets lonely at the gym. It needs to be a group function....AA....Lions Club...etc..

Trying to help.

Thanks.

Sick and tired of this sick cycle that I'm in: Drink --> blackout. embarrass myself. offend others. lie about everything. gossip. spend way, way too much money at bars. make a complete fool of myself --> wake up feeling like i'm on death's door physically. mentally the feelings of shame and self-hatred are too powerful to put into words. go into work looking and smelling awful. --> the shame and depression continues into to Tuesday and Wednesday --> Thursday comes and I feel better. I think to myself it "wasn't that bad" and that I blew it out of proportion to myself. --> drink again. waste the weekend in the twilight zone while drinking and then the subsequent afternoons spent in bed hungover.

welcome back! I love the way you describe the cyrcle of madness drinking is, i had done all of these things minus going to work hangover instead i wouldnt be able to get up and would be obssessing about losing my job as well.

congrats on your previous sober time and thank you for your post!

Welcome back!

Glad you are back Josh....wishing you happiness & strength.

Welcome josh
You can do it again

Welcome back. What are you going to do different this time?

Terrifying.
Welcome back.

Good to see you back

hello joshly... AGAIN is the operative word here. Without AGAIN, the cycle stops. That works both ways. If you never drink again, you will never have to stop again.
How about, "I am ready to quit drinking for good" this time?

I just posted this in another thread. I'll link it here to save me the time from typing it AGAIN.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post6142770

Glad you are back. Reading your post reminded me of the reality of how many house I spent in the dark bars. At the time I thought it was my cozy home with people who really cared about me. NOT. Spending time in the light made me realize differently.

I hope you are able to enjoy spending some time outside now :)

Yes , me too. So much time wasted in the dark. Come out into the light again. It's better here. You already know this.

The scary part is that I didn't really have any major feelings that lead me to back to drinking. One day I just decided to drink so I drank. Part of it is that I was a regular at a particular bar and I wanted to go back. So I just did without even a second thought. I have so many negative and shameful memories at that place that I can't understand why it's so hard for me to give up. That's one thing I will need to focus on.

What I meant by "had been working on" is that in sobriety I had been working on becoming a better person and getting people to like me again. I was a sloppy drunk who cause a lot of trouble with people because I had a big mouth. Working on my reputation and mending broken friendships was important to me.

Thank you everyone for your kind words. The depression is awful today but I'm committed to not drinking.

Stick with us it will make all the difference

Many of us know that cycle all too well. I was the same. At some point I think you'll start to notice your health taking a toll. The Sunday/Monday recovery period are more severe. Sweating, no sleep, racing heart, can't breath, and no appetite....it really sucks. You can take a pass on those weekend binges and develop a new normal. Life is better that way, I guarantee it.