Meraviglioso

I am so frustrated right now and trying not to drink and I'm not going to drink but I can't help it I feel like it. God I am so angry.

Here's how it started. I don't know if you all have whattsapp. It is some annoying app and here all of the school classes use it so the moms can communicate. First of all I am annoyed that it is used for socialisation and not just school stuff, but whatever. So it is this social thing where all the moms communicate. There is this one mom who sends these stupid photos of cats, flowers, anything with "buongiorno!" and all kinds of inspirational messages "buonanotte donne" etc, etc using up massive amounts of data, but again, whatever.
Anyway, yesterday she sent a photo of this racist joke. It was slightly political talking but in a joking way but still racist against a wide variety of races. I held off for a minute but was suffering inside and decided to be at peace I needed to be true to myself. So I wrote a very polite a well written message saying generally "with all due respect I don't think racist posts have any place in a diverse group of mothers"
I mean seriously, if you want to post this sh*t do so among tight friend who know you are joking or whatever, but in a school group?????? For real????? And so sone one responded that the person posting was not trying to be racist, it was just a joke. And I responded "ok, I get that, but I don't find it funny and it is something I feel strongly about so I had to speak up" and then more and more and more and more of "ohhh, it is just a joke, lighten up" and on and on and so I sent one final respond saying more or less "yes, I love a good joke too but considering we are a school class, in addition a multicultural class (with one american , one brit, one romanian, one russian, one tunisian) maybe this isn't the best place to post such jokes. It is something I take seriously and racist is racism no matter what bow you tie it up in.

So today, to point out what a tight ass I am about the joke they pointed out how I never come to the moms aperitivo (cocktails). I didn't want to get into my alcoholism in this group chat but was/am just furious about this. What does not drinking and not attending a drinking event have to do with being against racist posts.

I am rambling now but I am just on fire, I am so mad I can hardly breathe. I have to deal with these parents for the rest of my child's school career. They stay in the same class with the same teachers throughout their education. I want to be in peace but I don't want to drink with them and I don't want to laugh over racist ********.

Help me calm down!!!!!!!

Meraviglioso

I would post the photo but it is in Italian and I really don't want to give it any extra publicity, but it was very racist even if "just a joke"

ScottFromWI

Take a step back and remember that it's just an app on the internet. Just like Facebook, you don't have to look and you can most probably just ignore users that you don't want to hear from. Or you can just log off the app or manually delete messages from people you don't want to hear from.

Remember too that people say things on the internet that they would never say in real life, and that the comments section are really just fodder for argument.

They most likely don't even know or care that you are mad, so the resentment you are feeling is only hurting you. Coming here is a good idea when things get too heated, and remember that you have zero control over what other people say or do...you can only control how you react. In a case like this the best thing to do is simply not react...let them have their arguments.

Soberpotamus

Sometimes you just have to pull away and hit the ignore or delete button. I know it is maddening to see things like that painted over as a joke.

Probably best to take a breather from the group if you can.

Meraviglioso

I know Scott, you are right, but I have to see these people everyday when I pick my kids up from school. Today they all ignored me. Which frankly I don't really care too much about but I worry for my son, who is a part of the class. I also want it to be known that I am not uptight, I simply a. don't drink and b. don't stand for racism.

Meraviglioso

Ugh, I am worrying to much about this, you all are right. But it is infuriating.

ScottFromWI

You can be known for both of those things without getting in arguments on the internet. Your actions speak volumes...if you want to be known for both of those things than don't drink and don't promote racism.

Remember that it's impossible to "win" an argument on the internet...many people don't even necessarily believe what they post...the simply do it to get attention.

FreeOwl

One of the big problems with technology and 'social' media today is how anti-social it is making our world.

People say thing in electronic settings they'd never say to people in person.

People are becoming conditioned to jump on people's cases over things.

Social media has given everyone a platform from which to judge.

Most of the time, I find the best way I can be true to myself and remain calm and at peace is to just not engage with it. As tempting as it sometimes is to try and change hearts and minds online - the reality is that opposing viewpoints are seldom met with anything but disdain and ridicule and result in time wasted and frustration.

It might be best to just create a firewall for yourself and only use that app for the bare minimum you really need to for school purposes and leave others to the rest of it. There are far better ways to spend your time and energy.

I'm sorry you wound up the focus of that negativity. It sucks.

doggonecarl

You don't sound at peace. Being at peace with yourself seems to be at odds with getting along with these mothers for the duration of your kids schooling.

Which is more important? Being right? Or getting along with everyone for the upcoming years? Cause it probably won't be both.

So maybe a post saying you over reacted?

HelenofTroy

It sounds like a clique. I hate cliques.

I think you handled the problem as best as could be handled. You let them know that the post was offensive (side note: people often post racist things but excuse themselves by calling it "just a joke" when they wouldn't feel that way if it was targeted at a group they identify with) but as others have said you can't control how they respond to that. They will be defensive because no one likes to be called out on their bull.

I would not continue arguing about it. You have made your point and they can either take it or leave it. I would continue to smile at them and remain friendly when picking up your child. You mention it is one individual in particular who makes these postings. Is there a way to block this one person? If it ever comes up as an issue you can explain it away as a matter of excessive bandwidth.

You don't owe anyone any explanations about your choice of whether or not to join them for a few drinks, but if you feel the need to you can always say you are allergic to alcohol.

Meraviglioso

You are all right, I should have stayed out of it, but it just touched nerve, especially with all the volunteer work I am doing to help refugees her and ESPECIALLY considering that out own class is made up of various races and foreigners here on visas or refugee status. It just felt impossible not to say something. But from now on I will leave it.

Berrybean

I suspect that there would have been plenty of others who agreed with what you said, and also don't attend the cocktails events. Sometimes it's handy when people show their true colours in minor ways rather than have to find out in more major ways. Why not just delete the app? Although I kept Facebook (because it's handy for family abroad) and didn't delete certain people I'd have happily done if it wasn't likely to cause upset and hurt feelings, I have put lots of people on the setting where I don't see their activity on my wall. I can still go onto their profile for a look if there's any reason to be interested, but they don't need to be an irritant.

Racist jokes are still racism. And still unacceptable to me. However, I don't tend to challenge people. I just live, lean, and distance myself. If i thought anything I could say might help them learn then perhaps I would, but people who plaster racist 'jokes' on social media tend not to be the people who challenge their preconceptions.

Maybe just mention to your sons teacher that there was a misunderstanding on social media, just in case the kids carry on the argument - unlikely but sometimes happens.

The serenity prayer is great for times like these. X

Meraviglioso

I get your point, and yes, maybe I over reacted, but what do you do when faced with something you whole-heartedly disagrees with- such as racism? Stay silent? Would that have been my best move? I was SUPER polite in my initial message. I didn't attack anyone, I simply said "hey guys, I disagree with that post and don't think that racist posts have a place in this diverse group of school moms" The end. It was them who then went on and on about me listening up. I could go back and translate my posts but they were all very light and "oh yes, I too appreciate a good joke but I don't think that those kinds of things are funny particularly given the make up of our class" (the post was specifically racist against various nationalities of students in our class) Do we just stand by and let that kind of stuff be posted? Or should we stand up against it?

wehav2day

I totally se your point, mera, and agree with you. Jokes are just bullying with an lol at the end. My family does the same thing, and it really chaps my hide. In my own family the thing that really gets to me is the racism against African American people. Using the Italian word for a particular food to describe someone in a derogatory way is not funny, it's hateful. Especially since we're Sicilian and if you look at a ******* map it's almost certain that we have African blood. See? My blood gets boiling too.

All that said I totally agree with Scott. You will never win an argument on whatsapp. Keep it to the kids. You don't have to be social with them. Be polite in person, keep it businesslike on the app. Don't give them fuel to be bigger jerks about it. Like Scott said, they aren't sweating that you are angry. Not at all. This is affecting you, not them. Try to let it go.

If it's any consolation, my sister has had the same issue with my nieces school and moms. It took awhile but th relationship evolved into something cordial but businesslike. They don't invite her to "play" in the bs or the social stuff, which is fine by her. But they respect her

Caramel

((Mera)) - sorry that you have been upset. In my opinion you were right and they were wrong.
I have learned in situations like that to "say my say" once and leave it, without responding to the replies. Maddening sometimes, but, "c'est la guerre."

Soberpotamus

Personally, I think you did right in initially standing up against it. Absolutely.

And at the point when they begin to devolve into bickering and accusing, that's when you probably need to pull out.

Essentially, you make your stand and keep standing behind it. But don't partake in the arguing that ensues afterward. And you can't control outcomes or how they choose to respond. Acceptance of however they choose to react is what you're dealing with now, I think.

Meraviglioso

Thank you wehav2day, I am trying to stay calm but I also feel like I am justified ins standing up for something I believe in. I can't remember the quote about this. However I couldn't, with a good conscience, let something like this slide. No one was going to speak up about it apparently, I truly, in my heart of hearts, felt the need to say something. It is one of my firmest beliefs, that we are all equal, and I just couldn't let it go and still feel good about myself, no matter the backlash. That said, now that I am facing the backlash I am angry and upset.

doggonecarl

You took a stand. I commend you. But you didn't get the reaction you had hoped for, and now are worried about having to deal with these mothers in the future. You had no way of knowing the outcome when you hit SEND, but now that outcome is causing you anguish and some amount of resentment.

Resentments, anger, frustration...all recovery killers.

Perhaps one of the mothers of the children who were "targeted" by the joke will step forward and thank you for your stand. Perhaps a little vindication will make you feel better.

Fly N Buy

I often have to remind myself that anger is the dubious luxury of normal people.....not me, not an alcoholic. Reading this from How it Works I find useful in those times of turmoil - especially justifiable, self-righteous anger. Man I am good at that!!

I was taught if you want it out, shout it out - good for you on sharing this. It helped me today........

Each person is like an actor who wants to run the whole show; is forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenery and the rest of the players in his own way. If his arrangements would only stay put, if only people would do as he wished, the show would be great. Everybody, including himself, would be pleased. Life would be wonderful. In trying to make these arrangements our actor may sometimes be quite virtuous. He may be kind, considerate, patient, generous; even modest and self-sacrificing. On the other hand, he may be mean, egotistical, selfish and dishonest. But, as with most humans, he is more likely to have varied traits.

What usually happens? The show doesn't come off very well. He begins to think life doesn't treat him right. He decides to exert himself more. He becomes, on the next occasion, still more demanding or gracious, as the case may be. Still the play does not suit him. Admitting he may be somewhat at fault, he is sure that other people are more to blame. He becomes angry, indignant, self-pitying. What is his basic trouble? Is he not really a self-seeker even when trying to be kind? Is he not a victim of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if he only manages well? Is it not evident to all the rest of the players that these are the things he wants? And do not his actions make each of them wish to retaliate, snatching all they can get out of the show? Is he not, even in his best moments, a producer of confusion rather than harmony?

RevivingOphelia

I'm with Soberpotamus! I am SO GLAD you did not stay out of it!

Regardless of the diversity of the class (you tried to point that out to them), racism is racism. I don't care if the class was entirely homogeneous!

This woman needed to be called on her **** and you should be proud of yourself for doing it.

Hold your head high and try to not let the ignorant groupthink of these mothers get to you. More than likely, it will blow over.

Do not second guess yourself. Racism and other offensive behaviour needs to be addressed by those of us brave enough to do so.

Well done.