Extreme frustration
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Lodi, CA
Posts: 80
Extreme frustration
So I'm 23 days sober. I became sober because I got fired from a bartending job for being drunk. That led me to get help. I am staying with family right now because I declined pursuing another job in that industry, and decided to find a new career and go to AA every day to steer away from that life. So far I am accomplishing everything I set out to do. I'm 32.
My mom and stepdad like to have dinner together every night. This evening some friends wanted me to hang out. These are friends, not drinking buddies, who understand and support my situation. I asked my mom if she had a problem with me not being there for dinner in lieu of hanging out with them. My mom stated she wants me to stay home. I find that extremely frustrating, but politely honored her wishes. Then my stepdad comes home and explains that my friends must not be normal for not having dinner with their families. Mind you I didn't argue with my mom or anything of the sort, and my frustration grew that my stepdad felt I needed a lecture about this.
I feel frustrated and resentful about this. People in this household don't take into consideration that I CHOSE to do these things, and am feeling no urges to drink. Yes my friends drink, but they always ask if I am ok with it. Mind you my stepdad drinks beer in front of me and it produces no triggers for me. I can do whatever I want to do and am choosing to stay and be respectful. In responding, please spare the "they just care about you" response, I know that. I simply want to know if anyone else has experienced this and what there feelings about it were.
My mom and stepdad like to have dinner together every night. This evening some friends wanted me to hang out. These are friends, not drinking buddies, who understand and support my situation. I asked my mom if she had a problem with me not being there for dinner in lieu of hanging out with them. My mom stated she wants me to stay home. I find that extremely frustrating, but politely honored her wishes. Then my stepdad comes home and explains that my friends must not be normal for not having dinner with their families. Mind you I didn't argue with my mom or anything of the sort, and my frustration grew that my stepdad felt I needed a lecture about this.
I feel frustrated and resentful about this. People in this household don't take into consideration that I CHOSE to do these things, and am feeling no urges to drink. Yes my friends drink, but they always ask if I am ok with it. Mind you my stepdad drinks beer in front of me and it produces no triggers for me. I can do whatever I want to do and am choosing to stay and be respectful. In responding, please spare the "they just care about you" response, I know that. I simply want to know if anyone else has experienced this and what there feelings about it were.
A Smart Bug is a Sober Bug!
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Hot and Muggy South Florida
Posts: 1,396
Welcome! I'm confused. Did you just not want to have dinner with your parents and their friends? When I first read this I thought you didn't want to be around them while they are drinking. But then you said it didn't bother you with your friends or when Stepdad had a beer. Clarifying that will help me respond.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Hey Joey, great job on 23 Days!!
However it's early days, it took a long time to convince those around me that my Sobreity was a long term commitment, that this was it, and not just a short term promise leading to another relapse.
Family members do care, and sometimes it doesn't feel like it, but they do, whether you're 32, 52 or 12 years old, your mom cares and you're her little boy regardless of age.
Give it time, we don't need to be taking over the world straight away, there's plenty of time for rebuilding your new Sober life, it's not such a bad thing that your mom wants to spend time with you and be protective of you, trust me, they're not always going to be there!!
Don't take it too personal, they care about you!!
However it's early days, it took a long time to convince those around me that my Sobreity was a long term commitment, that this was it, and not just a short term promise leading to another relapse.
Family members do care, and sometimes it doesn't feel like it, but they do, whether you're 32, 52 or 12 years old, your mom cares and you're her little boy regardless of age.
Give it time, we don't need to be taking over the world straight away, there's plenty of time for rebuilding your new Sober life, it's not such a bad thing that your mom wants to spend time with you and be protective of you, trust me, they're not always going to be there!!
Don't take it too personal, they care about you!!
Reach Out and Touch Faith
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: On a Sailboat
Posts: 3,871
This is what normal families do, this is what normal alcoholics do, this is what normal husbands (or wives) do... personally I bristle under this atmosphere.
And why must someone be telling me this unless they don't feel "normal" and are trying to prove it? You have the right to do what you want with your friends but since you are staying with your parents they have rights to expect certain things. It doesn't make them right or even "normal" , just they are within their rights.
Once I recognized played out my emotions on my feelings I let it into my body with a sharp, deep breath, hold it, and then while visualizing the upset I let it go with a deep exhale. Otherwise I just hold onto it and let it eat me alive. That's not a place I liked when I was drinking and now that I'm so ber it doesn't have room in my head.
And why must someone be telling me this unless they don't feel "normal" and are trying to prove it? You have the right to do what you want with your friends but since you are staying with your parents they have rights to expect certain things. It doesn't make them right or even "normal" , just they are within their rights.
Once I recognized played out my emotions on my feelings I let it into my body with a sharp, deep breath, hold it, and then while visualizing the upset I let it go with a deep exhale. Otherwise I just hold onto it and let it eat me alive. That's not a place I liked when I was drinking and now that I'm so ber it doesn't have room in my head.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,909
Um... You're 32. I would politely remind your parents that you can make your own dinner choices. But whatever you decide, make peace with your choice as the right one. Resentment is a toxic emotion. Maybe try to talk it out with your parents.
Congrats on 23 days sober!
Congrats on 23 days sober!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
OK.
As I get older, the more I understand 'my roof my rules' and that there's no statute of limitations on that for parents
If this chafes with you (as it chafed with me as I moved back home as a 30 year old) it's also a great impetus to get out there find a new job and getting your own place
As I get older, the more I understand 'my roof my rules' and that there's no statute of limitations on that for parents
If this chafes with you (as it chafed with me as I moved back home as a 30 year old) it's also a great impetus to get out there find a new job and getting your own place
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Lodi, CA
Posts: 80
Originally Posted by melki 
Um... You're 32. I would politely remind your parents that you can make your own dinner choices. But whatever you decide, make peace with your choice as the right one. Resentment is a toxic emotion. Maybe try to talk it out with your parents.
Congrats on 23 days sober!
Congrats on 23 days sober!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Lodi, CA
Posts: 80
Originally Posted by Dee74
OK.
As I get older, the more I understand 'my roof my rules' and that there's no statute of limitations on that for parents
If this chafes with you (as it chafed with me as I moved back home as a 30 year old) it's also a great impetus to get out there find a new job and getting your own place
As I get older, the more I understand 'my roof my rules' and that there's no statute of limitations on that for parents
If this chafes with you (as it chafed with me as I moved back home as a 30 year old) it's also a great impetus to get out there find a new job and getting your own place
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
is it a rule that you hacve to have dinner with them in their house?
im glad to read you want to be respectful of your mother.
can you have a conversation with her about how youre feeling?
im glad to read you want to be respectful of your mother.
can you have a conversation with her about how youre feeling?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Lodi, CA
Posts: 80
Originally Posted by tomsteve
is it a rule that you hacve to have dinner with them in their house?
im glad to read you want to be respectful of your mother.
can you have a conversation with her about how youre feeling?
im glad to read you want to be respectful of your mother.
can you have a conversation with her about how youre feeling?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by JoeyG1000
I'm going to. Right now, however, I'm pissed off so it wont go well, and I think if she sees I'm being understanding and I'm patient about it, the conversation will go much better at a later time. That's a big step for me because normally I'd just blow up and do whatever I wanted.
in the meantime how about pickin up the big book and start reading somewhere about pg64?
Reach Out and Touch Faith
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: On a Sailboat
Posts: 3,871
Originally Posted by JoeyG1000
I'm going to. Right now, however, I'm pissed off so it wont go well, and I think if she sees I'm being understanding and I'm patient about it, the conversation will go much better at a later time. That's a big step for me because normally I'd just blow up and do whatever I wanted.
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,042
You're getting great advice here. Don't dwell in this problem, which compared with alcoholism and all its consequences, is really just a little blip. Dwell in the solution and show respect for your parents, even when you don't understand their reasoning.
I love the idea that you read something that supports your sobriety -- also, maybe post to someone here who's struggling more than you are?
And put in a few job applications!
I love the idea that you read something that supports your sobriety -- also, maybe post to someone here who's struggling more than you are?
And put in a few job applications!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 709
Many family members think that if they can keep tabs on you, if they can see you and know what you're doing 24/7, they have the power to stop you from drinking/using. Of course, that's not the case, and you are a 32 year-old man who has stepped back into the parent/child relationship by virtue of living with your mom. The sooner you get your own place, the better. Your mom is probably just scared that you'll start drinking again. Her fear is real and valid, but it's ultimately your life and your decisions. I don't really understand why she is so threatened if you're not there for dinner. My kids are in college, and even when they come home I don't expect them to be around every night for dinner.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
