noneever

And I'm in the same self inflicted state I was in when I joined. Nine months on the hamster wheel- drink, have a few days off, drink, blah blah blah.
Still spending precious days hungover. Still wasting money. Still not doing stuff that needs to be done. Still feeling ashamed, angry and fed up with myself.
Nothing has changed!
It's day 4 and I am furious with myself. I've changed not one thing in 9 months.
I'm going to use this thread as accountability to myself.
And I am sure as **** not going to drink today.

Dee74

Hi nooneever

you know what I'm gonna ask - what are you planning to do differently this time to make sure this outcome will be different?

D

azure808

Well you have got to day 4. That's defo on the ladder and that is reason to be proud, not angry. I feel the frustration though

D122y

Noon,

It took an act of God to get me sober.

I almost crashed my car a few times in 2 days. I was totally sober....hypoglycemia attacks.

After that, the driving stress lingered for months and months.

I could have lost it all.

Until something horrible happens...it is tough to quit.

We are here for you.

Delizadee

Been there my friend! Have you tried any face to face support? What is working for me currently is doing as much recovery related activities short of rehab. I attend a day program 5 times a week and as many AA meetings as I can as well as weekly addictions counselling. If what you're doing isn't working, it's time to up the ante right?
Trying to do it on your own is tough if not impossible. You can do it. Why not pick up some recovery related literature too? Keep yourself as busy as possible. And stick around here, read lots and keep posting!

noneever

Haha Dee- I knew it would come up! Sigh. I really don't know to be honest. AVRT and mindfulness resonate the most with me, so developing those skills will help me stay detached from my AV. My biggest trigger is that thoughts of drinking come up and rather than just observe them and allow them to fall away, I act on those thoughts.
I have got a plan full of things but I DON'T DO THEM. It's insane.

Delilah1

Hi Nonever,

I am 8 and a half months sober now, but if you look at my join date it is 2012. It took me three years of alternating between periods of sobriety and failed attempts at moderation to finally get it right.

This time I focused on committing to recovery, and not just trying to stay sober. I read and post on here daily, exercise, read lots of books both recover and non-recovery, and spend quality time with my kids. Trying to remain mindful and in the present has really helped me.

Start today by planning something for the time you would normally be drinking, then do the same thing tomorrow. Spend some time thinking about something you really enjoy and see if you can take a class, or find a group to do that with (running club, photography, book club, learn a new language, cooking..)

The fact that you are here and posting shows that you want this. You can do it, I promise it gets easier, and it is so worth it.

❤️ Delilah

Quincy

Hi Noneever. I think you said it well, "I haven't changed one thing in 9 months" and also gave yourself a clue to the solution.

Something needs to change to expect different results. I think Einstein was once quoted saying, "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results". Maybe think about it whether or not you feel his statement is true. If so, then maybe it will help you make some changes.

Take care and stay close.

NickiJay

Many of us have been where you are now. Dee is right, of course. The game changer here is the plan. If you follow a plan for recovery (mine is AA), you will find that you begin to win out over the AV that will do ANYTHING to keep you from getting well. Don't let despair bring you down. The key is to use your plan so that you can get to the point where you will want to stay sober more than you want to drink. Congrats on 4 days sober. It's a great day to decide to work a program of recovery.

noneever

Thanks for the support and advice. Heading to bed soon and then on to day 5. I can't say today was the best I've had but it beats being hungover or drunk by 1000%

Zero cravings today- I think my rage at myself for wasting the past 9 months made my AV scuttle away for the day. I'm choosing to regard the last 9 months as a gestation period- now I'm a newborn soberling. Ha!

Tonymblue

Keep going forward. 4 days is amazing. I remember not making 4 hours. You can do this.

LBrain

welcome to the new world you newborn soberling...

I've said it before and I'll say it again, until you are fully committed to sobriety, meaning you want to be sober more than you want to drink, you will continue this back and forth routine...
use any one of the cliches that go along with that thought...

Don't wait for an irreversible life changing event to finally make the decision.
Make it now, make it for yourself, and MEAN IT this time.

Ooona

Hey there and welcome!
Good job in getting to the place of reaching out.
So I sense from your post that you are seriously beating yourself up right now and my hope for you is that you begin to turn that thinking around and start to CELEBRATE your successes no matter how menial they may seem to you.
Tony says above good job with four days citing how difficult it was for us to go four hours much four days.
CELEBRATE those four days! That is a HUGE accomplishment. Try not to project into the future too much right now. Stay close to us, let us help you get to five days and six days and on and on. Most important thing right now is to take care of yourself physically and begin making a plan to stay on this beautiful path!
Blessings and best wishes to you dear!

mfanch

I totally relate to your post, noneever. My hamster-wheel went on for YEARS.

I realized that when I failed to make a plan, I was essentially planning to drink. Simple as that. I had to make a PLAN and follow the PLAN. There are so many here on SR. (mine is around here somewhere from 2009). Would you be open to looking at some of the plans on these forums and see what resonates? It might offer some direction.

:-)

cwood3

I may be out of line, but before you develop a plan, do you have a "mission statement" that you believe in? That you believe in within yourself? Because it doesn't matter what anybody else thinks. If you have a "mission" (aka goal), it might be easier to develop an organized plan on how to get there. Just a thought.

LBrain

cwood -
I like that!
Have a mission, then make a plan.

Or 'set a goal'...
Without a 'goal' or 'a mission' we are just going through the motions...

My goal was - IS - to never drink again.

cwood3

Brain, that is what I was getting at. Seems a lot of people set off with a plan to do "something" about drinking/alcohol without really taking the time to go "I am going to take alcohol out of my life forever. I want to do this for me. I will do whatever it takes to do this".

I think not making that "honest with yourself commitment" can lead to sanctioned relapses. But I'm new at this. I think about it a lot and I just share what I am thinking, experiencing, or feeling.

I adhere to the philosophy of "No one of us, is as smart as all of us"

Quincy

You are a wise man Cwood. Sounds like you are doing well. Has the sporting good job started?

cwood3

Quincy, I actually start tomorrow at 6am. Store is not opening until sometime in October, but they are getting us ready. Also stumbled upon a job in my field of engineering that I applied for....hope that happens because it is 10 times the pay....fingers crossed.

Wise..? I don't know about that, but I have only stuck my finger in an electrical outlet once..that was enough.

Soberwolf

9 months is excellent