Katzen

I don't hold anyone else responsible for my binge drinking but myself. It's my own fault I allowed myself to continue drinking even though I no longer needed it to control pain and it seemed the easy way to control anxiety. I allowed myself to be blind that it was a problem until I started getting shakes when abstaining too long.

Was I ever a true "alcoholic"? If so does that mean I will have that label for life even if I never drink again? I've looked it up and the definition of "alcoholic" varies. I was certainly an alcohol abuser for a couple months, and ended up with a physical addiction. But having the shakes and realizing I NEEDED it to get through the day scared me bad enough I believe I am strong enough, and afraid enough, to never get anywhere near that again.

I certainly don't blame my husband for buying me the bottle, we used to have a couple drinks on weekends, it was never an addiction or a problem abstaining during the week or for weeks at a time because we didn't get around to buying more. Just like I'd notice his bottle of bourbon or case of root beer was empty in the recycle bin and get him more next time I went to the store, he thought he was doing me a favor and had no idea I had a drinking problem and was finally sober.

And the reason I never told him my drinking was getting out of control... I considered it. But knowing how much he looks down on many of his family members that drink too much, I didn't want him seeing that flaw in me. I thought about a friend of mine whose husband one day decided to admit he had an affair for months when he said he was working late, he swore it was over and would never happen again, and she tried to forgive him for the sake of their 2 young kids, but she never trusted him again. He was a police officer and really had to work late some days, those days she'd call up friends and cry because she never trusted him again after his admission. If my husband ever had an affair and vowed it would never happen again, if he stuck to that I'd prefer never hearing about it because I don't want feelings of distrust in our marriage.

I honestly feel my alcohol binge/abuse is behind me and won't ever happen again, and I don't want my husband to know about that flaw in me so long as I never let it happen again.

I hope to be able to prove any disbelievers wrong, I have read others' stories that they were able to quit alcohol abuse and only drink occasionally so it is a possibility.

Zanna

I found, if I tried to control it, I could get away with it once, maybe twice, but then it leapt up and bit me hard on the ass. When it gets to the point of joining SR, you're no longer a 'normal' drinker. Normal drinkers tend to stop when they start feeling the effects - we are just getting going x

Ooona

Hi Katzen,

From your most recent post it sounds like you have this all figured out. I truly pray that your plan will work for you and that you'll be able to return to social, moderate drinking. That isnt an option for me ( even though that chirpy little voice in my head will try to convince me otherwise). I have several experiences to reflect back on that help me to see the truth.
Back when I was a social drinker, I could set rules for myself, and stick to them but somewhere down the line I crossed that line and theres no going back.
So anyway, like I said I wish you ONLY the best.
If this doesnt work for you, if you find that you too arent able to adhere to your rules, please dont hestitate to come back here and reach out to us. No one will say,, we told you so, you will be surrounded by love and caring support!
Blessings to you!

Katzen

Thanks, but no apologies necessary, I assumed when posting most people would think it wasn't possible, as there are so many posts from people who quit and relapsed.

Though I have read a few stories in these forums of people who were able to go from alcohol abuse and horrible relapsing to eventually being able to control themselves and have an occasional drink without it becoming a problem again. I believe I can do that because the shakes scared me a lot and made me feel so ashamed I let it get out of control.

People judging me and doubting I can do this doesn't bother me, I felt like I had to confess my actions (nearest AA meetings over an hour away). And if people want to believe I can't handle this I think that gives me even more motivation to be one of the few that actually can handle this.

Lightning Bug

Your posts concern me. You throw binge drinking around a lot, almost like binge drinking is OK for moderation.

I was a binge drinker myself. I would drink a lot in one sitting and then not do it again for weeks. I never once thought I was an alcoholic, I never got the shakes and had to drink in the morning and afternoon, I never tried to stop, never used the word sober or counted sober days or felt proud of how many I had and I never visited an online recovery board much less created an account and then posted about my drinking.

That is, until I did.

Soberwolf

After alcohol causes you problems you decide it's important enough to keep in your life ?

Why is alcohol so important to you is the real question & without sounding condescending it's a bit obvious why you can't do without it but that's for you to find out & about the few who can control it after problematic drinking I tell you now that was a myth created by an alcoholic who still wanted to drink trust me but also know we really care Katzen & were here for you if you ever need it

What were you feeling like on day 1 x

EndGameNYC

If you're referring to SR, then this is news to me.

Never met a single person who could "successfully"' moderate or control their drinking over the long term who didn't need to do so.

SixStringZen

I don't really enjoy being punched in the face...so, I don't plan on having even ONE punch in the face at Thanksgiving!

If it was only negative, why on Earth is it so important to have just one or two?

Dee74

Katzen I don't believe people get over this level of addiction in just over a month.

It would be great if we did but it's just not the case. I think your inner addict, that perpetual liar, has you bamboozled and convinced on this one.

Consider it me 'judging' you if you like - but I prefer to think of it as me not wanting you to end up where I ended up.

Again best of luck - I'd like to be wrong on this, for your sake.
You know where we are if you need us

D

tomsteve

rationalization- giving a socially acceptable reason for socially unacceptable behavior, and socially unacceptable behavior is a form of insanity.
terminal uniqueness is,welp, heres one definition of terminal-predicted to lead to death, especially slowly.
I wish you the best of luck on your experiment and hope you remember you can always come back if it doesn't work.

uncorked

I believe alcohol use/disorder is on a contiuum. To me, it's not black and white -- like you're either an "alcoholic" (and the definition of that is debatable) or you're not. There are some people who are indeed at one spectrum (teetotalers because they don't like/believe in drinking) or the other (body is completely ravaged by alcohol and person could die). Most people are somewhere in the middle.

There are certainly folks who are closer to one end or the other, but my point is that it's not absolute. And only you know where you are on the spectrum. Most people on SR don't believe they can moderate and they are responding to you from that perspective. My dad is a person who used to drink too much, quit for many years, and now drinks in moderation. He doesn't count drinks or anything, he just doesn't have the desire to drink the way he used to. He is 87 and healthy as a horse. Still plays golf.

You will discover if drinking moderately works for you or not.

Ooona

The medical diagnosis of alcohol use disorder can be taken from the DSM V and is what is used to diagnose alcohol abuse and alcoholism. Alot of people self diagnose but its best to get a proper diagnose from a medical/licensed professional. You can look over the criteria ( google 11 criteria of alcohol use disorder) and if you are being honest with yourself, get a pretty good idea if you actually have this illness or not.
The difficulty lies in the fact that this illness has a component of denial that actually tricks a person into believing that they do not have it, or in minimizing the seriousness of it which allows it to continue and to progressively get worse.
I would suggest that rather then making a self diagnosis or even following our directives, that you get a full bio psycho social assessment via a licensed addiction specialist. That person will be able to give you a diagnosis and prescribe a treatment plan based on that diagnosis. Again, proper diagnosis will be dependent on you being completely honest.

fini

Katzen,
you're going to great lenghts to explain why your husband needed a drink when he came home and how you didn't want him to feel badly all b7 himself so you joined him. and how good it is you don't crave it now and that, really, the only concern would be if you were to start binging again. which you will not do. and how great, you say, that you don't/didn't even like the taste.

here is a different reading:
a woman is an alcoholic. she has not been honest with her husband about this, but claims not volunteering the info isn't lying, just...not saying. she sees hubby have a drink in response to stress, and has no issue with that. he brings her one and she doesn't say no, or tell on herself and ask for his support in an honest way. she keeps hiding her alcoholism and her struggle. she then has a drink and states as reasons various things which aren't reasons for drinking but excuses. there is no reason to drink. but she doesn't want that to be true.
she then "fesses up" to a bunch of strangers instead of having honest conversation at home.
she wants to believe that "I know some reading this will believe I'll start up again, " this is so instead of seeing that she has, in fact, started up again. or maybe never really stopped. she likes to think the bottle in the fridge/freezer is a good sign, since that shows her neutrality and control. when what the bottle really shows is the drink that's gone from it because she drank it, and the bottle there shows that it's there and hasn't been dumped.
this self-identified alcoholic has now switched from abstinence to having had a drink and changing the goalpost to "will never overdrink again".
drinking is back in and on the table.
or maybe never left.

this is not a judgment. i offer it as a perspective.
a perspective based on my own dishonesties and justifications in the past, and now coming from quite some sober hindsight.

maybe you'll find something useful in it.

Ooona

maybe you'll find something useful in it.[/QUOTE]

Or maybe she wont, but I did. Thank you very much.

Not sure if Katzen will ever come back here ( I hope she does!) but this thread is so very helpful as it is for me, the perfect case study of how insidious this illness is and the depths of denial that our illness will take us.
To all of those who have offered advice and direction, please know that you have helped this newcomer tremendously!

jodc

Katzen, I am new to SR and I am currently struggling tremendously with my drinking so I don't even know if I should be responding but I feel I must.


Trust...
LACK of trust is the biggest reason I give myself permission to drink. I do not trust myself to be able to handle my feelings about the mistrust I have in my partner; that's another story and somewhere here at SR, hopefully, I will find a way to work through some of that.

More related to your post, I do not trust myself to be able to handle the feelings of my partner not accepting me AND my flaws.
So here is some food for thought:

What do we have in a relationship if we cannot be honest with our significant other?
What good is it if I feel like he won't accept (love) me if I "don't measure up"?
And how am I going to stop lying to myself if I live in a world of dishonesty - fear of dealing with my truth in the matter???

You have made me stop and think and I am grateful to you for that. Thank you for sharing.

I too wish you well.

EndGameNYC

Wow. You're good.

Which means, among much else, that not everyone, perhaps even only a few, will see it that way.

At the same time, I've come to accept that denial is nuclear-blast resistant. Anything that threatens it will be absorbed and re-processed as something different, something gratuitous, in order to preserve a fragile way of being. Like using the power of reality to both strengthen denial against reality, and to use that strenght it against further assaults from reality.

August252015

I like pink. Unicorns are kinda cool. I believe in fairy tales, when there's a foundation beneath them - that's what protects the fairy tale. My life in sobriety is a pink fairytale I protect. Chasing a pink unicorn would be just plain foolish - and that's exactly what an alcoholic trying moderation is.

August252015

Fini! Perfection.

EndGameNYC

Alcohol Takes a Physical and Mental Toll

Drink too much, especially long-term, and this can result in a host of physical and mental effects - none of them good. For example, drinking can make depression worse, and depression can increase drinking. People who drink alcohol are also at greater risk of abusing illicit drugs. Alcohol use is associated with a variety of illnesses such as liver disease and cancer, and binge drinkers are 72% more likely to have a heart attack. Perhaps most sobering, heavy drinking reduces life expectancy by 10 to 30 years.

. . .

According to current standards, most if not all of us are binge drinkers: "Binge drinking means drinking five or more alcoholic beverages on the same occasion on at least one day in the past 30 days."

Full article:

The Negative Impact Of Alcohol In The Workplace | Huffington Post

fini

Ooona,
you're welcome.
i had a lot of help from others who had been where i was, and i'm glad i'm now able to pass some of it on.
it took me a long time sober to get clear on where my denials were when i was drinking.
staying open-minded, trying my best to be honest about my own experience even when (or, more accurately: especially when) it didn't match what i wanted to be true...worth all the sweat and tears

glad you're here.