SoberHoopsFan

I recently have had this come up in a major way. I have been sober for a nice stretch here, but found this recent situation challenging to handle. I have an old friend I have known since high school. He has struggled at points in his life with severe drug addiction issues, but has pretty much been clean from his DOC for the past 2+ years, more or less correlating to my own time since first getting sober. We have remained friends, even though I am occasionally leery of being around him - the biggest reason for that is even though he has been clean from his own DOC he has and continues to drink. He was never a serious problem drinker, but it has caused him issues in his life. In any event, in the past few weeks his drinking has suddenly been in my face a little bit more (drunken texts, drunken Facebook status update, etc.), and it is bothering me a bit.

I confronted him and told him that I cannot support an addict who continues to drink, and does not think drinking is a big deal. When it was away from me, that was one thing, but when it is more in my face, I am going to voice my problem with it. He just doesn't get it though. He claims he never drank like me, so there's no harm in him drinking socially (as he calls it) from time to time. The thing that bugs me the most is, as an addict, he should know better than anyone the harm that can come from continuing to use substances, even if alcohol was not his DOC.

Tonight, it came to a head and I basically told him that I think I needed to end our friendship. Nothing personal, but just can't support or be around someone with such a casual attitude about addiction, who does not want help or to change. Normally, I try not to get in other people's business, but this one was really bothering me. I think the best decision for me to make is to just cut him out of my life completely. He has been a good friend for a long time, but we are traveling different roads at this point, and he does not want my advice.

Anyone have similar situations? I just know in my path to long-term sobriety, I will continue to have to make tough, something selfish, choices, to protect my sobriety. This is one I need to make. Happy to hear any thoughts. Thanks for reading.

Maudcat

Your post is thoughtful. Sure sounds like you know what you should do. I don't have advice or similar experiences, but I know about sobriety. Do what you feel you need to.

meowychristmas

SoberHoops, I just wanted to say that I feel proud of you for advocating for yourself and telling this person that the friendship is no longer working out. I think friendships can definitely come and go and I think we can learn something from each.

awuh1

I understand what you're saying and I think it's a good decision. I would just suggest one thing. Make sure he knows that if he ever wants your help in order to stop drinking that you will support him. Make sure he knows that it's his drinking that is a concern for you and don't let him interpret things in any other way.

That friendship just might resume one day.

SoberHoopsFan

Thanks for the response. When I quit drinking, like most on this board there were a number of people that I simply had to cut out of my life. Then there was another group of people that were more borderline, some of whom I parted ways with, others with whom I have kept around in more limited capacities. He had always fallen in that latter category, but now feels like the right time to cut off the relationship (barring some major change on his end).

SoberHoopsFan

That's good advice, I should reiterate that to him. I have previously let him know that I would be there to help if he ever wanted to get sober, which message ends up somewhat lost on him since he views getting past his more serious addiction as a total and complete victory with respect to his issues.

If anything too, it's a powerful reminder of how strong alcohol's pull can be, that even a (former) addict will fight to keep it in his life to the point of losing a close-ish friend.

esinger

Yeah I have a several long term friends that I've separated myself from, or at least tried. Not that it's their fault or mine. I just can't deal with intoxicated people while sober. I'm not going back so I have to move on. I'm sure most see me as an a-hole for stepping out of the click but it has to be this way.

I have a couple life long friends that do seem to understand. We ride sometimes or help each other with home projects but if things start getting drunk then I'm out and I think they understand.

Funny how I used to think there wasn't any fun unless there was booze. Now I can't have any when it's around.

You gotta do what you gotta do to maintain your sobriety and contentment.

Berrybean

I have a few old friends like that. I haven't told them I'm not being their friend any more, or told them that their 'social' drinking is actually quite antisocial. Or that the problems that they say lead them to drink are generally caused by it. I know what deaf ears that would fall onto. They know I'm sober and can come chat to me if they want to. Thing is, they don't want to. And I know that I wouldn't have stopped drinking because someone else pointed out I'd got a problem with it. So, painful as it can be, I just focus on my own recovery and my own behaviour.

As far as Facebook is concerned, I tend to just unfollow them so I don't get to read their drivel. And mostly I don't bump into them any more because I'm not in the places where they're going to drink.

It might be worth having a read around in tbe friends and family area, and maybe even reposting your OP there as well. Those guys have a lot of experience dealing with us alcoholics while we're still drinking.

Bruno1979

I found this to be very easy,

My drinking friends didn't want anything to do with me once they'd accepted that I wasn't going to be broken,

Some have even blocked me on Facebook. I presume it's because they don't want to see how much better my life story has become since I quit the boozing.

There are plenty more fish in the sea so they say lol.

LBrain

and along with this ^^^

So you don't come across as 'hall monitor' with a holier than thou attitude...
Let him know how his activities negatively affect you. Not only are you concerned for him, but that his actions may undermine your own sobriety and you need to protect/shield yourself from such negative influences.

Good luck

LadyBlue0527

SoberHoopsFan,

I also found that losing friends was one of the hardest parts of getting sober. Although, in my case, it just happened naturally. I didn't have to confront anyone.

You have to do whatever it is necessary to protect your sobriety.

Tonymblue

Sounds like you're friend is replacing one vice for another. Unfortunately, many people in our society don't view alcohol the same as other drugs. They feel that it's benign. That's simply not the case. You did the right thing. I had to dissolve a 30 year friendship because that person wouldn't quit drinking. I couldn't be around that.

August252015

Welcome SoberHoops- I agree that your post is very thoughtful and it is VERY important- crucial, really- to have good people in our lives.

I mean that stringently. I keep a VERY specific circle of friends- I simply do not allow people in my life, on my calendar, or in my world who are not positive, trying to be their best selves, and good for me to be around? Selfish? No. Self-protective. Which is what I am of my sobriety. Normal drinking friends? A-ok; I wouldn't wish anyone our disease and if someone enjoys alcohol responsibly, that's great. Those who I know are active users with problems? No. I don't go places or spend time in places I used to, with people who drank too much. I also have some limits about where/when/how i spend time with some people - I have a couple of friends with whom I talk openly who need to quit; a la berrybean, I have made it clear that I am here, if and when they are ready to quit. Since AA and recovery are 99% of my life (the other 1% being my boyfriend and family - and the former truly incorporates this latter), these friends know what I do, how I do it and how I involve my recovery principles in my routine conversations.

We cannot control another's choice to drink or use. We can only control ours. We can be caring and supportive by taking care of ourselves and sometimes- SOMETIMES- leaving the door open. I was so sick that I had really isolated from nearly everyone who enabled me or was sick themselves, so in almost 7mo I have been re-introducing the good folks into my life.

Sometimes we wrestle with things we really need to let go. Relationships are often in this category. Does this relationship add peace to your life? Feel mutually good and supportive? Does it drain and trouble you, instead? We can be kind in our communication and FIRM in our boundaries. Takes practice, but IMO the best way to maintain and grow our recovery is to find the people we want to be like and work to have what they have, as we say in AA. I have continued to find better and better people.

Good luck.

SoberHoopsFan

That's exactly what he is unwittingly (or even consciously) doing.
The bolded is also unfortunately quite true. Still amazing to me that an addict could have such an obtuse viewpoint though, but I know from experience how hard most people will fight to keep alcohol in their life. I know it all too well, I did that for 17 years.