Eliasson

And some of you who know my story might think that is not really a bad thing. But to me it is terrifying. I drank so much last night and when I drink I tell him exactly how I feel. Which is not good. I don't have the courage to say anything when I'm sober. And being sober is really painful because honestly life just sucks. I blacked out again. And then I woke up, in so much emotional and physical pain. I'm really angry that I woke up.
I'm not sure why I'm posting because y'all must be just as sick of me and my vicious cycle as I am. Everyone is sick of me. I have no one to turn to, no where to go. Logically I know if I'm going to keep waking up alive I had better do something different because this is a horrific way to live. But it's the only way I know. 3 days from now this will be a very distant memory and drinking will seem like a great idea. I can't get off this crazy merry go round. And now I'm completely alone.

Anna

Hi Eliasson,

You can get off the merry go round. Take that step out of the vicious cycle and begin to live your life without alcohol. When you are sober, you will be more equipped to make decisions to help improve your life. You are definitely not alone.

Zanna

I don't know your story, but you know, nobody here is sick of you and you have thousands of us to turn to
You remind me of me -I was in a relationship, that I wasn't truly happy in. I used to drink to cope with him, even being in the same room. Of course, with drink, my true feelings came out.
Best thing he ever did was leave. Yeah, it was tough and scary at first, but now, I can honestly say, I've never been happier and a lot of the urge to drink, walked out of the door with him.
I don't know if any of this sounds familiar but you are very definitely NOT alone with SR x

Mountainmanbob

Stories told such as yours sadden me. I was also a tortured soul until I stopped drinking. As many on this site have, you also can get and stay sober. Please keep trying and never give up. If you can get a little sobriety under your belt you will find great relief and your life will change for the better.
Pray for strength often and share all with Him.
M-Bob

graced333

Hi - Eliasson - I'm with you in spirit. You can stop. When you are present for yourself - life will be easier to understand and movement forward possible.

tomsteve

eliasson, we arent sick of you, but we are concerned.
imo, i think its time to SERIOUSLY look into rehab.

honestly, i havent read you get too much time sober. the miracle of a wonderful,sober life doesnt happen automatically when drinking stops- thats just getting sober. when we start recovery, THATS when life STARTS to become wonderful.
drinking was the only way i knew how to live and handle everything,too.
when the pain of getting drunk exceeded the pain of reality, thats when i got help.
it took T.I.M.E. for the gloom,dispair,and agony to leave and i stopped existing and started living, but it was well worth every second of fight and footwork i had to do.

Eliasson

Thank you all for responding. I hate myself so very much and have for most of my life. There is also still a big part of me that wants a different life. But I am slowly killing her and that part of myself. I do need rehab and always make so many excuses.

ScottFromWI

Why not pick up the phone today and make the call to your Dr or a rehab and break the cycle? Losing your spouse is a pretty devastating possiblity, but it happens. It's also not even close to the worst thing that could happen to you. Why not simply admit you need help and get it while you still have a chance to keep what is dear to you?

tomsteve

ok, i think its time to stop NEEDING rehab and start WANTING rehab.
when you do that, you will get some courage to face the fear of life without alcohol.

eliasson, i hated myself pretty much my entire life,too. i had very low self esteem and felt i never measured up.
by the time i walked into aa, i THOUGHT i was a hopeless,helpless,useless,worthless POS.
working the program of AA taught me my thinkin was al jacked up.
i, LIKE YOU, am a child of God, and God dont make junk!

PLEASE!!!! dont let the excuses control your actions any more!!!
you are worth it!!!you deserve to live sober and happy!

Upward2Enlightenment

I would highly suggest that you seek professional counseling. Getting help with the reason you hate yourself should help you get to a point where you can see improvement.

Best wishes.

Opivotal

((Eliasson)) take a leap of faith today. You can change this vicious cycle you're in. Alcohol loves you this way, wants to keep you right where you are, actually wants you in more pain. Hard to imagine you could feel worse, right?

Fight back... somewhere deep inside, you know life cannot continue this way. Grab that phone and get yourself into a rehab. You'll never regret this decision. Do it today my friend, I'm cheering you on!

Delizadee

Eliasson, agree totally with Zanna. The only difference with my story was that I left. I left in a very big, bad way, but I couldn't figure out how to get the help I needed by staying in a toxic relationship.

Now is the time to put YOU first, start reaching out by getting some phone numbers. Posting here is a great start. You are not alone, and no one is sick of you. We're all here to help one another.

Please stop hating yourself. Don't drink today. Clean yourself up, look in the mirror and tell yourself you love yourself NO MATTER WHAT. And then start reaching out for help. You deserve a better life- and YOU have to take the steps to do that for yourself. You CAN do it. We are here for you love.

FearlessChase

I've struggled with relationship problems too, and I can tell you that there is nothing worse than the powerlessness that comes along with trying to drink through them. It completely erodes your self-confidence and nothing ever, ever, ever gets resolved, only smothered temporarily only to resurface afterwards. If he leaves and it shocks you into going to rehab (I hope it will), you will come out on the other side wondering WHY you did this for so long. You are not alone, at all. We are all here with you.

january161992

prayers

Dharma33

Eliasson,

There were many mornings that 1) I was amazed I woke up, and 2) wished I hadn't because it meant I had to get started on the same crazy cycle of drink, pass out/blackout, repeat. It was awful, and we all hear you.

Well, instead of waiting 3 days until drinking seems like a good idea again; get on the phone now to your Dr. and ask for rehab....and use today's awful feelings to push you toward starting a new sober life. You have to want it. I'm praying for you.

Zanna

Rehab is a great idea. It will also give you thinking time regarding your husband and what YOU want to do concerning the marriage, whilst showing him, that you are serious about getting your health back on track. Its a win-win idea x

trachemys

Eli, time to start doing rehab.

Ruby2

I absolutely could not stop drinking and I was separated from my husband with two little kids when I checked myself into detox followed by inpatient treatment. It was the BEST decision I ever made for myself.

I've dealt with horrible self esteem my entire life. Always feeling awkward. Anxiety. Depression. Most of the decisions I made in life were driven by all the negativity and I drank to numb it all when things didn't work out. Morning, noon and night I drank. I couldn't ever imagine life without the alcohol. It was like losing my best friend.

But I did it. Going to treatment was fantastic. I felt cared for. I felt safe. And if you can't put together days on your own, I'd highly recommend it to give yourself a running start towards a much better life.

entropy1964

I'm so sorry you are hurting. And I relate completely to where you are.

When I was in rehab we had a group therapy session on the Jellinek Curve (Google). Well to make a long story short, it basically out lines the progression of alcoholism through to the bottom, and then the climb back up in recovery. Like you I can feel like I know no other way to live than that of an alcoholic in active addiction. As painful and deadly as my life is, I know how its going to turn out. Every time. Its my coping mechanism and I know that I will feel like hell, behave dangerously and do things I regret....and reap the consequences. But at least, I KNOW. Recovery? Well hows that work? I don't know. But the Jellinek Curve maps out exactly what can be expected if I take the necessary steps, follow direction and work my program. I will RECOVER. Wow. Light bulb moment. When I read the downward spiral of the alcoholic I relate. Been there done that. When I read the upward progression of recovery? I may relate to some of it, but probably not all. Its new. But if I can agree that when I drink I will follow the sure path to destruction, I can also agree, with equal conviction, that if I follow the path and steps to recover? I will recover. No two ways about it.

This line of thinking helped me a lot. I hope it provides you some hope that not only is change possible, it is inevitable if you follow the foot steps of those before you.

MLD51

I don't know if I could have gotten sober without treatment. I went to intensive outpatient, but was prepared to go inpatient if necessary. It gave me the tools I needed to figure out why I was so miserable that I needed to drink, and to start building better self-esteem. Best thing I ever did. AA also. It helped me get off that merry-go-round and find reasons to want to live a better life.