meowychristmas

Hi everyone - Back after a long break and a terrible night of drinking, but I'm happy to be here right now.

This is a thought I've been having for most of the day and just wanted to vent it here. I'm extremely nice to others - definitely a people pleaser. Others tell me, "You're so nice!" Sometimes they tell me, "You're TOO nice." But, I'm absolutely crappy and mean to myself. And in relation to alcohol, I'm extremely crappy to myself and completely lack self-respect.

Niceness is definitely my shield and something I try use to protect me from getting hurt. But, in reality, I'm shooting myself in the foot. Because sometimes when I get home from being nice all day, the urge to drink surfaces. I tell myself, just one glass of wine to relax...which turns into two bottles of wine and beer and anything else I can get my hands on.

I want to show my human side more, without fear of offending others or worrying about what others think of me. I keep the real me so hidden most of the time, which is exhausting.

Thanks for reading my thoughts.

Darwinia

Many of us addicts live this jackall and hyde existence. Finding our true self is not easy. Good luck to you.

Soberwolf

Good to see you

Anna

Many of us are people-pleasers. I was, and I really believed it was a good thing. I was always trying to step up and help other people. I believe it was Oprah, who called it 'the disease to please'. I began to see that being 'nice' all the time was simply my insecurity. And, I lost sense of myself and didn't know myself anymore. It's not selfish to be kind to yourself. It's essential to recovery.

hope778

meowychristman - This post really struck a chord with me. Oddly enough (or maybe not at all) I am usually on the Friends and Family side of things on SR. I love an addict.

However, you described a lot of how I am in your post. I am nice, overly so, somewhat of a doormat at times, I probably say yes too much, etc etc... My niceness is praised, and I like the positive reinforcement others give me because of it. I'll throw in that, in regards to my relationship with my addict husband, I am a single mother most days. So, the end of the week comes, I have given a lot of myself, and I am ready to reward myself... But why with alcohol? I'm learning I don't have a great relationship with alcohol myself because it takes me to negative places (negative mindsets I have been trying to avoid all along with my situation with my addict husband)...

Anyways, I digress. Just want you to know you're not alone. Glad you came back.

Pipefish

Oh, I hear you. Living long in the land of giving away resources I didn't have at my own disposal I eventually realised that there had to be a pay-off for me somewhere in behaving that way, even if that pay off were ultimately self-defeating. And in reality, I'm not 'nice' - frightened of other's disapproval or being disliked - yes, I was pretty afraid of that, because my healthy self-regard was so low. It was only when the balance tipped, and I realised that it was more important for me to be honest and real with others than to be approved of for someone I wasn't that I began to change. This remains a work in progress :-)

This 'I want to show my human side more, without fear of offending others or worrying about what others think of me' is a pretty big ask of yourself in early recovery. Not to put you off, and also perhaps so the bar is not raised too high, any change in how we relate to others, particularly if they know us, usually involves some trepidation before, and some discomfort afterwards. That at least has been my experience, and the trick is, to learn how to live with that discomfort without drinking over it.

Practically speaking, I've learned that compassionate folk - those who can genuinely show this to others and themselves - know how to say no. No is not a rude word! I learned this the hard way - bending over backwards until I broke, and then being so weighed down with resentment toward others, that any vestige of being a nice person was blown hither and thither. And all of that I saw was my own making, and a very convenient hat to hang my drinking on.

I started working on this through the AA programme and its principles (work in progress again :-)) & having space to reflect with a therapist did not hurt either. What I needed was a foundation of support, where I could reflect on those examples in my day/week. To do this sober is preferable, but you have to be ready to do that.

And you're spot on! Not being real, suppressing authentic responses, is exhausting! That energy can be much better used for doing genuinely loving things for yourself, and this has in my experience, equipped me to be more genuine toward others, and take better care myself.

Wish you well.

2muchpain

I think I have an idea what your going through. I'd spend the week at work pleasing everybody. I was always the one to step in and help out. It probably benefited others, but it did little for me. I was so drained helping others that I would load up on liquor Friday after work and be pretty much drunk all weekend, just to relax and unwind.
I think I did this to hide the fact that I felt inferior to everybody else and I didn't want them to see it. Every time someone criticized me, I took it personally, and was afraid people were starting to see my weaknesses, so I would work harder to hide them. Sound familiar? Took a long time to get out of this unhealthy cycle, but it can be done. Nowadays, I try to balance giving to myself as much as giving to others. And it's ok to sometimes to say no. I think finding a balance is necessary for sobriety. Take care. John

MLD51

Pipefish - that whole post was great. This in particular struck a chord with me:

And in reality, I'm not 'nice' - frightened of other's disapproval or being disliked - yes, I was pretty afraid of that, because my healthy self-regard was so low. It was only when the balance tipped, and I realised that it was more important for me to be honest and real with others than to be approved of for someone I wasn't that I began to change. This remains a work in progress :-)


I wasn't nice as much as afraid of being seen as selfish or mean. Even now when I say no, it's hard for me to not feel bad. Even if I'm saying no to something I really can't do. I used to bend over backwards to find ways of doing things people asked me to, even if I really couldn't do it without major inconvenience to me. I don't do that anymore, but it's hard to shake that feeling I'm being a bitch. Working on it.

Hevyn

Hi Meowry. Thanks for a thought provoking post. I'm too nice, too.

It's great to have you back with us.