sqbiz214

I'm in my mid 60s and have drank socially all my life with very little problems. After not drinking much for 10+ years, I began dating someone who drinks on the weekends. I drink too but after a few months, I started having occasional blackouts, especially when I drink too much too fast. My memory and behavior are affected shamefully. I yell and scream at my partner and twice I had to be restrained. I spew the ugliest words and mean none of them. He is going to get tired of it and leave me and I can't blame him. Sometimes I drink with him and he monitors me and I'm fine. But if I get upset about something, I head for the bottle and guzzle, and then I get angry beyond any type of reason. I know the answer is that I can't drink at all. Every time I think it's safe, I try again and blackout again and go after him. He is very good to me and there is nothing for me to be angry about with him. Anger about my husband, who died six years ago, but not at him. I take Victoza and Ultram. Could those be affecting my reaction to alcohol? My brother and my father are/were alcoholics. Is it my turn? I don't want to live like this!! Right now I'm so ashamed because I went after him Friday night, yelling and screaming. He is very frightened because he doesn't want the police to come and take him to jail. It's not him, it's me. I don't get physical but I get crazy angry and scream the most horrible things to him at the top of my lungs. Sometimes I feel like I'm so ashamed I want to hide from the whole world. I don't consider suicide but the thought occurs sometimes that it's a possibility if I continue to shame myself and hurt him so bad. I don't know where to go from here. I don't interact well with small groups and prefer anonymity.

PennyLane76

Hi sqbiz! Welcome to SR. Can you talk to a physician about your drinking and other meds? A drs visit can start you down the right path. Withdrawal can be dangerous. He/she can advise you of the interactions of your meds with alcohol.

You will find lots of support here, and great tools.Reading around the forums and all the sticky notes will help.

There is a friend's and family forum as well, if your partner is interested.

Best to you. There are many here that became sober in their 50s and 60s, you can too!

sqbiz214

Thanks, PennyLane. I'm not sure how to reply to your email directly. No, I don't want to talk with my doctor. I am hoping to gain some understanding in this forum before I take any action. Thanks, though!

awuh1

Consider calling your local AA. Talk to them by phone and perhaps ask them to send some women (typically two) out to speak with you. This is routinely done when requested and at no charge!

sqbiz214

Thanks, Awuh! Will try to call. I'm scared so it's going to be hard.

Simplicity4114

Hi sqbiz and welcome to SR! I'm sorry to say your story sounds all too familiar to my own. After a bad marriage and subsequent loss of a child, I became a "rage" alcoholic. I drank to numb my emotions and at first this was quite effective but over the passage of time my grief turned to anger, my anger to resentment....which reared it's nasty head during exceptionally bad benders. Frankly, my husband deserves a medal. He is the most gentle soul I've ever met and I had become someone and something that I no longer recognized. I hated myself. I wanted to die. Making the decision to quit drinking was the best thing I ever did for myself and my marriage. I am still very much in the process of healing, but now I've created a space where I can actually heal not just mask the pain over and over and over again. I spent many years locked in that destructive cycle before I was able to break free.
As far as the meds go.....there are many meds that do not interact well with alcohol....your dr. would be able to clarify. I was guilty of this as well.

Dee74

Hi and welcome sqbiz214

Only your Dr can answer your questions about meds - by our rules we can't give medical advice here.

I will say that, generally, meds do not work well with alcohol.

Anyway in my experience I had similar blackouts and changes of character and I wasn't on meds at all.

I was just an alcoholic. I needed to stop drinking.
I lost a lot of the things I loved before I stopped.

It sounds to me like you should stop too?

D

Anna

Yes, I had blackouts, too and it was from too much drinking and they were terrifying. I hope you decide to stop drinking. If you do, there is lots of support here to help you.

sqbiz214

I don't crave alcohol and usually buy it for the weekend. Most weekends are fine. In looking back, sometimes I get upset over stupid or nonexistent slights and I go get a long guzzle to "calm down." But without my permission, my mind blanks out and I drink even more then become a horrible mean nasty person to the only man who has ever loved me. I can't lose him and I don't need to drink physically. It's emotional for me, so I need to learn how to deal with the negativity inside me.

Anna

Blackouts are completely unpredictable and the only way to stop them is to stop drinking. You can learn how to manage your life without alcohol. You can learn simple breathing techniques to calm yourself, or go out for a walk, listen to music, whatever works for you.

Hevyn

Hi sqbiz - I'm glad you came here to talk about what's going on.

I experienced personality changes when alcohol was in my system - especially towards the end of my drinking days. No matter how good my intentions were I always drank too much and ended up embarrassed or in danger. The only safe thing to do was to quit. I think trying AA is a good idea.

Algorithm

Hello sqbiz,

I can only suggest that you focus on the obvious. If drinking alcohol is leading you down a path which you recognize is not in your interest, and which can lead to further damage, wouldn't it be wise to stop drinking alcohol?

As has been pointed out, blackouts are unpredictable, and possibly dangerous, and the only way to be absolutely certain that they won't occur is to not drink in the first place.

As for your aversion to public groups go, there are recovery methods that don't require any public groups or meetings. Rational Recovery is one such method, but many people simply quit.

Dee74

have you considered it's the alcohol causing the negativity?

Even in the times when I wasn't getting drunk, my alcohol use was making my view of the word very black.

I stopped drinking and rediscovered the real me

D

sqbiz214

Thank you all for the advice and suggestions. I realize I cannot drink and am glad I don't have to deal with physical dependence - yet. What I need help with is in knowing or discovering where the anger is coming from. Is that the alcohol or is there anger inside of me that comes out when I black out? My boyfriend is not the problem. He is super good to me and I'm the one causing him pain and stress. That's how it was in my first marriage - my husband would get black out drunk and yell and scream at me for hours about things that I couldn't comprehend. Now I'm doing what (most likely) gave me PTSD in the first place. So, to save money - will therapy help with anger along with not drinking, or will not drinking take care of that issue? Best guesses, I suppose.

sqbiz214

And I'm so sorry for what you've been through. It's nowhere near my personal experiences and I'm very sad to hear about yours.

PennyLane76

Sqbiz. Why not stop drinking and find out?

Best guess. .. drinking and anger hand in hand

least

Drinking causes anxiety and depression. It's a safe bet that once you're sober for a few months, the anxiety and anger will ease up.

I hope our support can help you get sober for good.

sleepie

sqbiz hello, I can impart my own experience. I was having blackouts towards the end of my drinking days. In hindsight, it was probably due to not only long term drinking and it's affects on the brain but also from my blood sugar plummeting when I drank. I learned I was just barely tipped over into prediabetes category- but my fasting tests had always come back normal. They'd done another kind of test and I learned this. So after I quit drinking it settled down. I still have highs or lows, because I was testing myself but all my labs come back normal.

I know that feeling of fear when suddenly drinking isn't like it used to be, all I can really empathize is- you must quit.

jodc

Sqbiz, Welcome!
I arrived at SR 2 weeks ago.

You are sharing with us that you don't like how you act when you're drinking.
Well, I'm no expert on it by any means but I think you just might be in the right place to help you with that concern!

My drinking is a problem for me. So here I am.
And during my short time here, this is what I have found:
This place, these people... they help - my questions can get answered, my thoughts can slow down, my emotions can calm. I have a place to come to.

Thank you for sharing your present moment; it helps me to know I'm not alone in MY present moment!
I wish you the best and hope to hear from you again!

Berrybean

Hugs to you. I can imagine how scary this must be for you when you find yourself acting so out of character.

Your story reminds me of the exoeriences that brought two of my favourite ladies to AA. Both of them in their 60s after being widowed. Both of them found that their once orderly lives and positive relationships and good reputations were being lost as their lives became increasingly unmanageable through their drinking, and although they could see that this was linked directly with the booze, they could not stop.

I too, strongly suggest investigating AA to help you figure out some other, happier and more constructive ways of dealing with negative feelings. Especially the grief regarding the loss of your husband, which it sounds like there could be some resentment around his passing.

You can search online for a local ladies meeting, or be equally welcome at a mixed meeting (my local group is a mixed one and that's where both those ladies first went to). If you call the AA hot line for a chat, they will get a lady from the fellowship local to you to give you a call for a chat. AA is run by alcoholics (who have found sobriety through recovery) themselves, so there is no judgement. There is always understanding and empathy. I was very scared about what and who I would find in the rooms of AA before I went. All I found was confirmation that alcoholism isn't picky. In my home group there are nurses, teachers, surgeons, builders, one millionaire business man wheeler dealer type, a publisher, a counsellor, mothers, fathers, grandmothers, grandfathers, jockeys, an optician, shop workers, a baker, a map-writer, a historian, a few military personnel. ...etc., etc., etc.

It might still be worth talking to your doctor about your feelings about your bereavement. He may be able to direct you towards some bereavement counselling.

http://www.seattleaa.org/directory/directory-index.html