Need help to understanding - am afraid
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Join Date: Aug 2016
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I was and am a very controlled person. In my 'real life' and without alcohol, my emotions and feelings were super controlled. I worked very hard to orchestrate a life that was orderly and appeared perfect. My home was meticulous, my work flawless, my checkbook balanced to the penny haha!
I hid that PTSD very well. People told me how 'strong' I was after I experienced a devastating loss, one that ripped me to the core of my being and left me in despair and my heart in a billion pieces all over the floor. I was absolutely shattered inside but no one knew, no one reached out to help me nor did I reach out for help and support. Why? Well because of course I had created a mask, a facade that I got it together, that I was super independent, that I was a strong powerful woman who didnt NEED anyone or anything.
The squeaky wheel gets the grease they said and my wheel was dry, dry as a bone.
Alcohol became my lubrication. Only when I drank could I share what was REALLY going on in my heart and soul and only with my husband. Like you, many times I would go all week not drinking but I could feel the anxiety and stress building. By the weekend binge time I was bubbling over and ready for release. Th problem with using alcohol to cope with emotions like PTSD, grief, loss and etc etc is that when the feelings come out they are DRUG AFFECTED. They come out sideways, left right and all over the place. Spewing out and covering those I love in ways I didnt intend for them to be.
Now I would have feelings of guilt and shame on top of the feelings I had to begin with and the vicious cycle continues.
I personally had to get off that crazy train. After attempts to do it on my own with epic failures to look back on, I became willing to do anything I was told to do ( hard for me because remember Im a controlling person with a know it all attitude to go with it
Anyway, reading your post reminded me alot of me and Im wondering, are you truly ready to get off of your crazy train? If so, then be open minded to those who have gone before you, who have this sober thing figured out. ( Not me, Im still learning too!)
Best of all this life has to offer to you. Be Blessed.
I hid that PTSD very well. People told me how 'strong' I was after I experienced a devastating loss, one that ripped me to the core of my being and left me in despair and my heart in a billion pieces all over the floor. I was absolutely shattered inside but no one knew, no one reached out to help me nor did I reach out for help and support. Why? Well because of course I had created a mask, a facade that I got it together, that I was super independent, that I was a strong powerful woman who didnt NEED anyone or anything.
The squeaky wheel gets the grease they said and my wheel was dry, dry as a bone.
Alcohol became my lubrication. Only when I drank could I share what was REALLY going on in my heart and soul and only with my husband. Like you, many times I would go all week not drinking but I could feel the anxiety and stress building. By the weekend binge time I was bubbling over and ready for release. Th problem with using alcohol to cope with emotions like PTSD, grief, loss and etc etc is that when the feelings come out they are DRUG AFFECTED. They come out sideways, left right and all over the place. Spewing out and covering those I love in ways I didnt intend for them to be.
Now I would have feelings of guilt and shame on top of the feelings I had to begin with and the vicious cycle continues.
I personally had to get off that crazy train. After attempts to do it on my own with epic failures to look back on, I became willing to do anything I was told to do ( hard for me because remember Im a controlling person with a know it all attitude to go with it
Anyway, reading your post reminded me alot of me and Im wondering, are you truly ready to get off of your crazy train? If so, then be open minded to those who have gone before you, who have this sober thing figured out. ( Not me, Im still learning too!)
Best of all this life has to offer to you. Be Blessed.
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Posts: 18
Originally Posted by PennyLane76 
Sqbiz. Why not stop drinking and find out?
Best guess. .. drinking and anger hand in hand
Best guess. .. drinking and anger hand in hand
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 322
sqbz, I'm not sure what your reasons are against AA and that's OK. I am posting the following link:
Alcoholics Anonymous : Alcoholics Anonymous
It is the online version of the Big Book. You might find an interesting read in "The Chapters, Chapter 1".
I'm not suggesting you try AA, but this really is a good read. I'm hoping the best for you.
Alcoholics Anonymous : Alcoholics Anonymous
It is the online version of the Big Book. You might find an interesting read in "The Chapters, Chapter 1".
I'm not suggesting you try AA, but this really is a good read. I'm hoping the best for you.
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Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Seattle
Posts: 18
Originally Posted by Ooona
I was and am a very controlled person. In my 'real life' and without alcohol, my emotions and feelings were super controlled. I worked very hard to orchestrate a life that was orderly and appeared perfect. My home was meticulous, my work flawless, my checkbook balanced to the penny haha!
I hid that PTSD very well. People told me how 'strong' I was after I experienced a devastating loss, one that ripped me to the core of my being and left me in despair and my heart in a billion pieces all over the floor. I was absolutely shattered inside but no one knew, no one reached out to help me nor did I reach out for help and support. Why? Well because of course I had created a mask, a facade that I got it together, that I was super independent, that I was a strong powerful woman who didnt NEED anyone or anything.
The squeaky wheel gets the grease they said and my wheel was dry, dry as a bone.
Alcohol became my lubrication. Only when I drank could I share what was REALLY going on in my heart and soul and only with my husband. Like you, many times I would go all week not drinking but I could feel the anxiety and stress building. By the weekend binge time I was bubbling over and ready for release. Th problem with using alcohol to cope with emotions like PTSD, grief, loss and etc etc is that when the feelings come out they are DRUG AFFECTED. They come out sideways, left right and all over the place. Spewing out and covering those I love in ways I didnt intend for them to be.
Now I would have feelings of guilt and shame on top of the feelings I had to begin with and the vicious cycle continues.
I personally had to get off that crazy train. After attempts to do it on my own with epic failures to look back on, I became willing to do anything I was told to do ( hard for me because remember Im a controlling person with a know it all attitude to go with it
Anyway, reading your post reminded me alot of me and Im wondering, are you truly ready to get off of your crazy train? If so, then be open minded to those who have gone before you, who have this sober thing figured out. ( Not me, Im still learning too!)
Best of all this life has to offer to you. Be Blessed.
I hid that PTSD very well. People told me how 'strong' I was after I experienced a devastating loss, one that ripped me to the core of my being and left me in despair and my heart in a billion pieces all over the floor. I was absolutely shattered inside but no one knew, no one reached out to help me nor did I reach out for help and support. Why? Well because of course I had created a mask, a facade that I got it together, that I was super independent, that I was a strong powerful woman who didnt NEED anyone or anything.
The squeaky wheel gets the grease they said and my wheel was dry, dry as a bone.
Alcohol became my lubrication. Only when I drank could I share what was REALLY going on in my heart and soul and only with my husband. Like you, many times I would go all week not drinking but I could feel the anxiety and stress building. By the weekend binge time I was bubbling over and ready for release. Th problem with using alcohol to cope with emotions like PTSD, grief, loss and etc etc is that when the feelings come out they are DRUG AFFECTED. They come out sideways, left right and all over the place. Spewing out and covering those I love in ways I didnt intend for them to be.
Now I would have feelings of guilt and shame on top of the feelings I had to begin with and the vicious cycle continues.
I personally had to get off that crazy train. After attempts to do it on my own with epic failures to look back on, I became willing to do anything I was told to do ( hard for me because remember Im a controlling person with a know it all attitude to go with it
Anyway, reading your post reminded me alot of me and Im wondering, are you truly ready to get off of your crazy train? If so, then be open minded to those who have gone before you, who have this sober thing figured out. ( Not me, Im still learning too!)
Best of all this life has to offer to you. Be Blessed.
I do think I may have PTSD from some of my own life experiences. Not shattering experiences like you've described, but many things I shove down, down, down - violence growing up, violence from my past, violence from my then-husband, deceit from "friends." If I can find a therapist in my insurance provider network, I may be able to get help for any underlying issues that I'm not facing. At this point I don't want anything related to alcohol on my medical record but believe me if I can't get alcohol out of my life on my own, I will have to. I can't tell you how kind and good this man is to me - everything I've ever wanted and needed in a relationship. His love is healing a lot of hurt on its own but I can't expect him to "fix" me or suffer through what I've been putting him thru.
Thanks for responding and for sharing your life trauma. I'm very sorry that you went through that. It makes my problems seem very small. I can't imagine having to live through your experiences. I wouldn't know how to begin. I hope the rest of your life is amazing.
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Originally Posted by cwood3
sqbz, I'm not sure what your reasons are against AA and that's OK. I am posting the following link:
It is the online version of the Big Book. You might find an interesting read in "The Chapters, Chapter 1".
I'm not suggesting you try AA, but this really is a good read. I'm hoping the best for you.
It is the online version of the Big Book. You might find an interesting read in "The Chapters, Chapter 1".
I'm not suggesting you try AA, but this really is a good read. I'm hoping the best for you.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Both of the medications you are taking specifically say to avoid alcohol due to potentially serious interactions. I also know that in some dogs (I'm a former vet tech) tramadol (Ultram) can cause psychosis and aggression. Could have the same effect in some humans, especially combined with alcohol?
I'm about your age and I can also tell you that after menopause, we just don't metabolize alcohol the same way we did when we were younger.
A lot of good health reasons to give it up, yes? This board is tremendous support for getting sober.
I'm about your age and I can also tell you that after menopause, we just don't metabolize alcohol the same way we did when we were younger.
A lot of good health reasons to give it up, yes? This board is tremendous support for getting sober.
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Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Seattle
Posts: 18
Originally Posted by Berrybean
Hugs to you. I can imagine how scary this must be for you when you find yourself acting so out of character.
Your story reminds me of the exoeriences that brought two of my favourite ladies to AA. Both of them in their 60s after being widowed. Both of them found that their once orderly lives and positive relationships and good reputations were being lost as their lives became increasingly unmanageable through their drinking, and although they could see that this was linked directly with the booze, they could not stop.
I too, strongly suggest investigating AA to help you figure out some other, happier and more constructive ways of dealing with negative feelings. Especially the grief regarding the loss of your husband, which it sounds like there could be some resentment around his passing.
You can search online for a local ladies meeting, or be equally welcome at a mixed meeting (my local group is a mixed one and that's where both those ladies first went to). If you call the AA hot line for a chat, they will get a lady from the fellowship local to you to give you a call for a chat. AA is run by alcoholics (who have found sobriety through recovery) themselves, so there is no judgement. There is always understanding and empathy. I was very scared about what and who I would find in the rooms of AA before I went. All I found was confirmation that alcoholism isn't picky. In my home group there are nurses, teachers, surgeons, builders, one millionaire business man wheeler dealer type, a publisher, a counsellor, mothers, fathers, grandmothers, grandfathers, jockeys, an optician, shop workers, a baker, a map-writer, a historian, a few military personnel. ...etc., etc., etc.
It might still be worth talking to your doctor about your feelings about your bereavement. He may be able to direct you towards some bereavement counselling.
Your story reminds me of the exoeriences that brought two of my favourite ladies to AA. Both of them in their 60s after being widowed. Both of them found that their once orderly lives and positive relationships and good reputations were being lost as their lives became increasingly unmanageable through their drinking, and although they could see that this was linked directly with the booze, they could not stop.
I too, strongly suggest investigating AA to help you figure out some other, happier and more constructive ways of dealing with negative feelings. Especially the grief regarding the loss of your husband, which it sounds like there could be some resentment around his passing.
You can search online for a local ladies meeting, or be equally welcome at a mixed meeting (my local group is a mixed one and that's where both those ladies first went to). If you call the AA hot line for a chat, they will get a lady from the fellowship local to you to give you a call for a chat. AA is run by alcoholics (who have found sobriety through recovery) themselves, so there is no judgement. There is always understanding and empathy. I was very scared about what and who I would find in the rooms of AA before I went. All I found was confirmation that alcoholism isn't picky. In my home group there are nurses, teachers, surgeons, builders, one millionaire business man wheeler dealer type, a publisher, a counsellor, mothers, fathers, grandmothers, grandfathers, jockeys, an optician, shop workers, a baker, a map-writer, a historian, a few military personnel. ...etc., etc., etc.
It might still be worth talking to your doctor about your feelings about your bereavement. He may be able to direct you towards some bereavement counselling.
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Originally Posted by Simplicity4114
Hi sqbiz and welcome to SR! I'm sorry to say your story sounds all too familiar to my own. After a bad marriage and subsequent loss of a child, I became a "rage" alcoholic. I drank to numb my emotions and at first this was quite effective but over the passage of time my grief turned to anger, my anger to resentment....which reared it's nasty head during exceptionally bad benders. Frankly, my husband deserves a medal. He is the most gentle soul I've ever met and I had become someone and something that I no longer recognized. I hated myself. I wanted to die. Making the decision to quit drinking was the best thing I ever did for myself and my marriage. I am still very much in the process of healing, but now I've created a space where I can actually heal not just mask the pain over and over and over again. I spent many years locked in that destructive cycle before I was able to break free.
As far as the meds go.....there are many meds that do not interact well with alcohol....your dr. would be able to clarify. I was guilty of this as well.
As far as the meds go.....there are many meds that do not interact well with alcohol....your dr. would be able to clarify. I was guilty of this as well.
Thank you for sharing. I'm glad you reached out to me and glad for the advice from all.
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Alcohol did that to me, too. But I was definitely angry with my husband and felt I couldn't express it when sober. If drinking is causing you problems, it's best to quit. AA wasn't for me, I found other ways to sobriety.
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Originally Posted by uncorked
Alcohol did that to me, too. But I was definitely angry with my husband and felt I couldn't express it when sober. If drinking is causing you problems, it's best to quit. AA wasn't for me, I found other ways to sobriety.
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Originally Posted by Ariesagain
Both of the medications you are taking specifically say to avoid alcohol due to potentially serious interactions. I also know that in some dogs (I'm a former vet tech) tramadol (Ultram) can cause psychosis and aggression. Could have the same effect in some humans, especially combined with alcohol?
I'm about your age and I can also tell you that after menopause, we just don't metabolize alcohol the same way we did when we were younger.
A lot of good health reasons to give it up, yes? This board is tremendous support for getting sober.
I'm about your age and I can also tell you that after menopause, we just don't metabolize alcohol the same way we did when we were younger.
A lot of good health reasons to give it up, yes? This board is tremendous support for getting sober.
Thanks again!
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Originally Posted by sqbiz214
Thanks for your thoughtful answer. I read that I should not mix Tramadol with alcohol but can't find out WHY. Your answer helps and I'll keep researching. I'm tapering down right now, on my last refill until I go to the doctor. But perhaps it's time.
Thanks again!
Thanks again!
"Jump on" cried out a man on a life raft.
"No!" Shouted back the determined woman. "I am not leaving this ship until I figure out WHY it is sinking. "
Do you really need to know why? Could you perhaps just accept that it's the case and recognise that repeating the same thing over and over, and expecting the result to change, is pretty much insanity? More of us get and stay sober as the result of acceptance and willingness than they do by 'fighting it' or determining to find out a new explanation or cure than has ever been found before.
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Originally Posted by Hevyn
I experienced personality changes when alcohol was in my system - especially towards the end of my drinking days.
I am frequently amazed at what a good overall person I am now that I am sober. My behavior was often terrible - at the least, selfish, fake, manipulative...to downright rebellious, loud, rude, and physical. I am NONE of those things at heart, and despite my very real flaws, I now believe in my goodness.
You can, too - you can be exactly who you really are, if you stop drinking. You will discover things you like and don't like- because you are human- but it will be SO much better on this side. Promise.
A big thing people say, setting aside the label of alcoholic perhaps, is that one question to be answered is: do you like yourself when you drink? The answer for you- like most if not all of us- is very clearly, no.
I hope you choose sobriety. Everything is life is much easier, more sanely handled, and more .... tolerable, as we learn to live sober, recovered lives.
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I was not familiar with Victoza so I looked it up. If you're taking it for diabetes, combining it with alcohol, particularly in any sort of binge, you could be experiencing huge blood sugar swings. I'm hypoglycemic and have to watch my diet pretty carefully. If I get into full hypoglycemia, I am unrecognizable...fog-headed, out of it, raging...maybe this is another possibility?
If you are diabetic or prediabetic, your doctor really needs to know your complete drinking patterns.
I will only say that if we were told that we had to avoid, say, orange juice, while taking medication, we wouldn't think twice. The fact that we resist giving up alcohol so much, even in the face of "potentially serious interactions, do not drink alcohol while taking this medication," tells us something.
If you are diabetic or prediabetic, your doctor really needs to know your complete drinking patterns.
I will only say that if we were told that we had to avoid, say, orange juice, while taking medication, we wouldn't think twice. The fact that we resist giving up alcohol so much, even in the face of "potentially serious interactions, do not drink alcohol while taking this medication," tells us something.
Giving up is NOT an option.
Join Date: Jan 2015
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sqbiz214 -
I thought AA was a religious organization before I went, too, and I resisted for that reason. But once I got there, I realized the spiritual aspect of it is just that - spiritual, not religious. We are free to choose any higher power we wish. I know plenty of agnostics who make AA work, including me.
I'm not trying to talk you into going to AA, just thought I'd clear that up. There are lots of misconceptions of AA out there. In the Big Book there is a chapter "To the Agnostic." Maybe give that a read.
And - it does sound like you have some PTSD issues. I hope you can find some help for that. I was diagnosed with PTSD, much to my surprise. The work I did with my therapist really helped with that. It helped me understand where a lot of my feelings of low self-esteem came from.
I wish you the best of luck in finding a way to live a better life.
I thought AA was a religious organization before I went, too, and I resisted for that reason. But once I got there, I realized the spiritual aspect of it is just that - spiritual, not religious. We are free to choose any higher power we wish. I know plenty of agnostics who make AA work, including me.
I'm not trying to talk you into going to AA, just thought I'd clear that up. There are lots of misconceptions of AA out there. In the Big Book there is a chapter "To the Agnostic." Maybe give that a read.
And - it does sound like you have some PTSD issues. I hope you can find some help for that. I was diagnosed with PTSD, much to my surprise. The work I did with my therapist really helped with that. It helped me understand where a lot of my feelings of low self-esteem came from.
I wish you the best of luck in finding a way to live a better life.
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Posts: 18
Originally Posted by Berrybean
A woman stood on the deck of the Titanic. It was sinking fast.
"Jump on" cried out a man on a life raft.
"No!" Shouted back the determined woman. "I am not leaving this ship until I figure out WHY it is sinking. "
Do you really need to know why? Could you perhaps just accept that it's the case and recognize that repeating the same thing over and over, and expecting the result to change, is pretty much insanity? More of us get and stay sober as the result of acceptance and willingness than they do by 'fighting it' or determining to find out a new explanation or cure than has ever been found before.
"Jump on" cried out a man on a life raft.
"No!" Shouted back the determined woman. "I am not leaving this ship until I figure out WHY it is sinking. "
Do you really need to know why? Could you perhaps just accept that it's the case and recognize that repeating the same thing over and over, and expecting the result to change, is pretty much insanity? More of us get and stay sober as the result of acceptance and willingness than they do by 'fighting it' or determining to find out a new explanation or cure than has ever been found before.
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Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Seattle
Posts: 18
Originally Posted by MLD51
sqbiz214 -
I thought AA was a religious organization before I went, too, and I resisted for that reason. But once I got there, I realized the spiritual aspect of it is just that - spiritual, not religious. We are free to choose any higher power we wish. I know plenty of agnostics who make AA work, including me.
I'm not trying to talk you into going to AA, just thought I'd clear that up. There are lots of misconceptions of AA out there. In the Big Book there is a chapter "To the Agnostic." Maybe give that a read.
And - it does sound like you have some PTSD issues. I hope you can find some help for that. I was diagnosed with PTSD, much to my surprise. The work I did with my therapist really helped with that. It helped me understand where a lot of my feelings of low self-esteem came from.
I wish you the best of luck in finding a way to live a better life.
I thought AA was a religious organization before I went, too, and I resisted for that reason. But once I got there, I realized the spiritual aspect of it is just that - spiritual, not religious. We are free to choose any higher power we wish. I know plenty of agnostics who make AA work, including me.
I'm not trying to talk you into going to AA, just thought I'd clear that up. There are lots of misconceptions of AA out there. In the Big Book there is a chapter "To the Agnostic." Maybe give that a read.
And - it does sound like you have some PTSD issues. I hope you can find some help for that. I was diagnosed with PTSD, much to my surprise. The work I did with my therapist really helped with that. It helped me understand where a lot of my feelings of low self-esteem came from.
I wish you the best of luck in finding a way to live a better life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Seattle
Posts: 18
Originally Posted by Ariesagain
I was not familiar with Victoza so I looked it up. If you're taking it for diabetes, combining it with alcohol, particularly in any sort of binge, you could be experiencing huge blood sugar swings. I'm hypoglycemic and have to watch my diet pretty carefully. If I get into full hypoglycemia, I am unrecognizable...fog-headed, out of it, raging...maybe this is another possibility?
If you are diabetic or prediabetic, your doctor really needs to know your complete drinking patterns.
I will only say that if we were told that we had to avoid, say, orange juice, while taking medication, we wouldn't think twice. The fact that we resist giving up alcohol so much, even in the face of "potentially serious interactions, do not drink alcohol while taking this medication," tells us something.
If you are diabetic or prediabetic, your doctor really needs to know your complete drinking patterns.
I will only say that if we were told that we had to avoid, say, orange juice, while taking medication, we wouldn't think twice. The fact that we resist giving up alcohol so much, even in the face of "potentially serious interactions, do not drink alcohol while taking this medication," tells us something.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Seattle
Posts: 18
Originally Posted by August252015
THIS.
I am frequently amazed at what a good overall person I am now that I am sober. My behavior was often terrible - at the least, selfish, fake, manipulative...to downright rebellious, loud, rude, and physical. I am NONE of those things at heart, and despite my very real flaws, I now believe in my goodness.
You can, too - you can be exactly who you really are, if you stop drinking. You will discover things you like and don't like- because you are human- but it will be SO much better on this side. Promise.
A big thing people say, setting aside the label of alcoholic perhaps, is that one question to be answered is: do you like yourself when you drink? The answer for you- like most if not all of us- is very clearly, no.
I hope you choose sobriety. Everything is life is much easier, more sanely handled, and more .... tolerable, as we learn to live sober, recovered lives.
I am frequently amazed at what a good overall person I am now that I am sober. My behavior was often terrible - at the least, selfish, fake, manipulative...to downright rebellious, loud, rude, and physical. I am NONE of those things at heart, and despite my very real flaws, I now believe in my goodness.
You can, too - you can be exactly who you really are, if you stop drinking. You will discover things you like and don't like- because you are human- but it will be SO much better on this side. Promise.
A big thing people say, setting aside the label of alcoholic perhaps, is that one question to be answered is: do you like yourself when you drink? The answer for you- like most if not all of us- is very clearly, no.
I hope you choose sobriety. Everything is life is much easier, more sanely handled, and more .... tolerable, as we learn to live sober, recovered lives.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Originally Posted by sqbiz214
I have said over and over again in this forum that I am quitting. Have done so and will continue one day at a time. And yes, I do want to know why my body has changed and why at 60 this has become a problem. It's my body and my mind wants to understand. I'm not insane and I am not putting the cart before the horse. I'm confused as to why you took the time to say these things to me because it's more hurtful than helpful at this point. Thanks, though.
I didn't realised you'd already quit. I was reading it as that yiu intend to quit. So apologies for that as well. And congratulations on your accumulating sober time.
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