turnedtobenzos

Now I have turned to benzos, and because my mother is a loving mother has forced me to not drink at nor before 2:20pm so i'm in australia and already had a couple.

My trouble is filling my day i'm a forex trader i put two trades on a day and bored rest of the the day.

So went to doctor and I am on clozopan, klonopin whatever you call it i take two in the morining with water instead of one like it says i the bottle.

I also make a cappaccino for my trip (yes im driving to mooloolaba beach) i also pack a drink foll of potassium , , and pack a penut butter sandwich both which increaze benzo

so its 4:30 and i've drunk my oh i also drink teah with passionflower before the trip to ..


so im driving along my drive i smash the passionflower with tea (increazes gamma as also a benzo, paxam is long lasting i know i have hour to kick in smash the potassiaam powerade drink, and smash a penut butter sandwich also full of gamma. To invert i also pack a strong cappacino a stimuluent to offset the sedative.

i get to the beach and i'm beach walking for hours full of energy

so i took the two paxams which suppposly work for 8 hours they really dont its more 6

if left at 4:30 am driving , get to mooloola a beach feeling great

come 6 hours 10:30 or 11:30am 6 hours i simply have to pull over lock all the doors tur musick on leave car running with air con
its a bliss high of (hough do i explain sleeping delerium ) it last half an hour you know its ove r cause you cant force yourself to sleep anymore

now remember i left at 4:40am,, 11:30am i slep in my car for half an hour it doesn't ever seem to last longer than that but coming out of it feels bliss then its just a wait till 1:30pm drive home buy alchohol at 1:30pm occupy myself for 1 hour until 2:30pm
then pop to more clozopanans at exactaly 12:30pm
I'm almost close to my mothers demandments do not drink before lunchintime its okay but i buy a 12 percent bottle of wine wait for it to freeze before i know it 12:30 has turned into 1:30pm quite quickly
and away i go smashing a 12 percent 4 dollar bottle of wine instead of two
with to paxams,

thats my story and thats how im getting buy

the benzos i know are increasing the alchohol streangth but at the same time is making me drink less

thats me its a constant struggle with me

notice i said paxam i take 2 x 2 ml in morning then 8 hours before about to drink 2 x 2mg of clozopam paxam then hit the 1 bottle of 12.5 percent champagne i find i can't go threw two bottles

then when night comes its all over can watch movie and fall aslweep at 12

and tomorrow the horror all starts again.

thats my life

Dee74

welcome

I guess you know drinking benzoes and alcohol is a dangerous mix.
If you want change, you've come to right place tho

D

Zanna

Welcome Doesn't sound like a happy life to me, but well done signing up and posting here. You really have come to the perfect place x

turnedtobenzos

Thankyou my friends let me tell you about heartache and the loss of god wondering wondering in endless hope.

THe days feeling longer and longer each day until i beg for the 2:30pm time.

for which i pop 2 paxam the longest acting benzo (kid yourself not they say xanax these people are kidding themselves , ( i pop 2mg of clozopaan get into my 12 percent of wine 3 4 drinks your nearly at that happy stage your body is satisfied to eat and you can go and eat with your family instead of saying no i'll stay outside not hungry only because you want to become more drunk.

Let me tell you about heartache, and the foundness of how I found not to die from alchohol drinking every day from 10am till at night

the next morning the anxiety oh the anxiety crawl up and sleep in your sheet right right ? dont tell me you dont yes this is when i discovered 3 things potassiam, penut butter and a wonderful drug called paxam clozepam, wake up pop two of these in the morning
make my powerade drink (not the sugur free won) has no potassiam a penut butter sandwich , poor one cappacino with two sugars and off to car we go , we are ready for our walk along the beach , mixing sedative with a stimulant oh the energy

come 6 hours when the paxam (clozopan wears off you star swearving you feel so tired its un imaginable this is the

Image result for alcohol delirium
Delirium tremens (DTs)

you can feel them coming on because you feel tired before benzos
i'd pull over and be havving fits in the car they only happpen when you close your eyes.

so i pull over sleeep , takes half an hour the benzos coming down maxes exact point of Image result for alcohol delirium
Delirium tremens (DTs) trying to make you spazam but you wont

you will sleep for about half hour in your car
after that up and and dandy

ready for car drive home and next bottle

this is how i have servived all years of drinking a bottle of day

the Image result for alcohol delirium
Delirium tremens (DTs)
can be defeated with paxam

six hour mark when the sleep comes on its sleepy time in car
wake up

ready to go.

this is not advice but if your fulll blown alchohol and y our getting dts dont sit in your car letting your head bang against the back of of your speat spasaming it only happens when you close your eyes right am i wrong ?

no i'm not

paxam
will keep you alive and leat you sleep and tell you when to sleep to counteract the
Image result for alcohol delirium
Delirium tremens (DTs)

you wont spasam but you wont sleep either its a chemical mode

dont forget the coffee in morning too for stimulant.

this is how i stayed alive.

Dee74

I think most of us can share war stores turnedtobenzos and how we spent a huge amount of effort on trying to remain alive..

Like I said on another thread to you, we welcome strugglers here but this site is really about the part after that - the cleaning up.

Have you any ideas on how you might do that?

D

Berrybean

Glad you found your way here. As you've come to a site called 'SoberRecovery ' I'm presuming that you want to get off the crazy merry-go-round of addictive drinking and pills. If so, I'd echo what Dee says. Going over and over the problem is only of limited value. There are people here who drank and drugged more than you and plenty that did less. When seeking identification, the most important things aren't the differences between what and how much they used and how often, but how it affected them. How they gradually became less and less in control and more and more dependent and obsessive in their waiting for and planning the next fix. The unmanageability of their lives. Their feeling of hopelessness. And once the problem has been identified, (as, it appears you have identified it), it's time to look towards a solution. Getting a plan together, and taking action to break out of the vortex. And it can be done. There are plenty of folk on here to testify to that.

turnedtobenzos

Their feeling of hopelessness. And once the problem has been identified, (as, it appears you have identified it),

the only thing i've identified is two things waiting till 2:30pm to drink and popping to paxams
so i drink lesss

thats all i can do I can't do much more

waiting till 2:30pm is so struggle, and dont sayi get bored threw the day thats worse I had to disonwne a few friends causge get this 2 yeasr ago i gave up pot
the problem isn't me the problem is drugs every where chicks everywhere with freekin tats off there heads willing to jump to next guy.

thats the problem, bordem, friends that do drugs which will just make me worse the option of going to church i mean comon . sporting can't be bothered, i just wait till 2pm

turnedtobenzos

at the moment the onl option is more benzos so i drink less

turnedtobenzos

Oh hell yeah i want to get clean i've given up smoking cigerettes, smokoing pot all while loosing friends ( no friends is a problem)

just can't kick the drinking i like having a drink watching a movie or playing call of duty lol

only thing i can do is pop more paxams

turnedtobenzos

society is the problem

turnedtobenzos

and dont say church is the answer they are doing it because there parents forced the in the end they end up turning tricks doing drugs, its drugs everywhere which if you dont do drugs you have no friends you just drink alchohol.

Notimetoloose

Welcome TTB, this is a great place for support...glad you found us, there are a lot of Aussies here.

Mags1

Hi turnedtobenzos, welcome to SR.

The answer is stopping, but you have to want to stop for it to happen.

I tried for years but always knew I'd drink again. Now I have stopped and don't ever want to go back to that life.

Take care.

MaidenNZ

Sounds like youre proud of how youre mastering the art of getting the maximum stone you can.

I'm not really hearing much of how youre struggling with addiction or how it's impacting negatively on your life. Maybe its not yet? You sound like you have getting stoned down to a fine art - even finding time to honor your mother inlaws request to not start using until 2.30.

This post felt to me like you were trying to share with us how to get an amazing novel stone rather than reaching out for help...might be wrong, just my opinion.

We are here when youre ready

Berrybean

TTB. I'm intrigued. Why and how did you come to this forum? This, very aptly named, Sober Recovery forum? Because if there isn't something inside you that's questioning your use of alcohol and benzos as effective tools for dealing with the bits of life that you don't want to accept, and you don't want to be sober, why did you come here?

There are plenty of people in society who can drink and it doesn't make them lose hope, or themselves. Plenty of others who will continue to drink and drug DESPITE the fact that they know it takes away hope and their ability to be content with themselves. And the there are those who recognise the problem, take the 'Solution' label off their booze and pills, and get ready to recover, by learning different ways to dealing with life, on life's terms. Because, guess what. Life didn't ever change its terms for any of us, and it's unlikely to start doing so. Finally, I realised that I could continue to wail about this and that and drink on it, and be angry and bitter about it, like I did for decades, or I could take responsibility for my own life and self, and chose recovery. Not an easy option, certainly not at the start, but then, neither was things carrying on as they were. Because that was getting painful as well. And there's nothing special about me, or the others who got sober. We can all do this thing. If we're willing to lean into the fear of discomfort and confronting ourselves, when we dig deep we tend to find an unexpected inner resource. It's when we reach outside ourselves for solutions that we're left floundering.

Dee74

I used to think that was the problem too - but I couldn't work out why everyone else seemed to get on OK without having to have that buzz on to tolerate life.

I was scared to get real and face life...but I ended up having to because my addictions nearly killed me.

Turns out my addiction was using my fear and was lying to me.

Society's a grab bag - full of the good the bad and the ugly sure - but it does makes a difference where you focus...

In any case, I don't need to get wasted to deal with it now.

Best decision I ever made - truly

D

Elle126

Hi turned. There are many on here with good sobriety who can give you copious amounts of advice. I read your postings and thank you for them as they remind me of the awfulness of being in the clutches of addiction, a place I never want to go back to... You have come here which tells me that there is hope for you, somewhere deep inside you want to stop leading this life of hopelessness and despair. Trust me, no one who got sober ever said it was a bad thing to do and anyone who goes back out there will always say it was a terrible thing to do. Come out of the darkness and join us in the light, you deserve it. Elle👍

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum!!

Anna

Wow, that sounds like a very complicated and unhappy life.

I hope you can recognize that you are the problem - not society, or women, or drugs or alcohol. You are the problem and you are the solution.

Ariesagain

Your posts make me sad for you...I think that someday when you are sober and read them you will be astounded at how sick and out of it you sound.

I hope that sober day comes for you soon. Benzos and alcohol together significantly depress respiration...you may think you have this all figured out but it's extremely dangerous.

I hope you'll stick around here and we can help you find a better way to live.