tekink

my biggest regrets involve drinking so much I fell over and broke my elbow. twice.

kittycat3

Thanks courage. I work really hard to not let the self-loathing get me down too much. Sharing my story when it does helps. Time passing with more and more sober confidence building helps. Remembering where I came from and knowing I never have to be that way again helps. And remembering the event as a "blessing in disguise" helps - if that hadn't happened maybe I'd still be drinking. Yuk.

Hi trach

kittycat3

Hi tekink welcome to Courageworld

courage2

Hi tekink! Watch out! Courageworld sounds like one of those theme park rides where every once in a while a 'gator bites a child in half.

Trach, in the spirit of not isolating, I talked to people today. I have a trio of girls now who work for me, and I take great pleasure in them. I've recently even given them young men to play with! I went down to their office/nymph cave to visit & tell them how wonderful they are, which is true.

I don't care if they don't do their work. They're so young, and don't appear damaged at all.

Sometimes I want to warn them, but they already think I'm weird

courage2

Here I yam. More like I potato

I've been very low-energy for the last few days. I'm getting things done, but it feels like I've lost the spirit for it.

It doesn't matter though. I remember the last time I drank. Not only the crawling across the floor, and the gin-soaked & crippled hangover my son found me stewing in. But the void of all the bad old days that I found myself sucked into. It all came back real fast and there didn't look to be a bottom in sight.

Even when my self doesn't seem so hot, it's all I have to lose.

I hope everyone's doing ok. I bought big fat blueberries!

ReadyAtLast

Thanks for this post courage. I will not drink today for so many many reasons. Day 2 for me. I'm back on SR regularly. I feel pretty stupid as posted a long post the other day about my drinking last week and then picked up again on Friday night. When will I ever learn?

So many reasons why I won't drink today. I will try and get some more sleep then eat healthily, walk and spend the day reading my recovery books. My ex husband has had our son from Friday until tomorrow night so at least that gives me time and space to get myself together again.

Hope everyone is doing ok. Happy Sober Sunday.

courage2

Good morning in your parts, RAL -- I'm up late as usual. I hope you don't waste any more time feeling stupid or ashamed about getting drunk. I don't think that there's anybody here who doesn't get it.

If you hear your alcoholism talking, seems like a good time to strengthen your commitment to listening elsewhere.

ReadyAtLast

You're right courage. I will do whatever it takes. Firstly, going back to basics and what I did on my day 1 on back in December 12. I've got my recovery books out and am amazed at how much I've forgotten. Regular, daily use of SR is critical too. Posting and reading, interacting. It's only 5.23am here so will try and get some more sleep now.
It's good to be back - positive thinking from now on.

courage2

I think I can I think I can.

Dee74

woo woo!

D

ReadyAtLast

I won't drink today and it's great to wake up sober on a Monday morning No matter how bad a sleep I've had or feel ill it's not a hangover!!

Happy sober Monday everyone. x

courage2

What a day. 5 hours in the Bronx, 5 hours with students, and 2 hours in the middle to get everything else done. I ought to be tired but I'm wired. I'll lie in bed and count the stars through an imaginary skylight.

Delizadee

I had to deal with real life this weekend. While I stayed sober for the duration of it and there were a lot of incredibly cathartic high points, I just couldn't keep committed to myself or anything at all on my way home.

I made myself very small and numb. It wasn't ideal. But it got me thru. I hate justifying drowning myself in my addictions (because alcohol is not my only demon) but sometimes it's just. Thatbad. That I don't know how to cope. My behavior is shameful. Around my eating. And drinking which is not so bad. But she be non existent.

I hate that I am "that person" that gets genuinely cheered on by her professional support team for practicing harm reduction or being able to just simply keep myself alive.
I am a perfectly rational, loving, caring, mature, intelligent person who has zero coping skills.

Ugh. I am tired. I feel disgusting and grumpy. Every attempt at escape just brings me more pain and suffering. I would like to return my faulty brain to the stork and tell him to fix it or get rid of it or give me a new one.

Sometimes I think the thoughts of desperation and futility of those struggling not only with addiction but mental illness is akin to willingly put "DNR" as a tattoo on your forehead for all the world to see.
Stop trying to save me when I don't want to be saved.

I have to figure out how to breathe on my own.



Heavy sigh.

Delizadee

Phone typing... over tired. Not drunk. Just a thumbs down on myself for the last 24 some odd hours. Back to the drawing board.

Hawkeye13

I think there are cycles like this Del, of just hanging in and getting through.

Doesn't mean it isn't working, or you're broken more than the rest of us.

It softens some over time, so be kind to you. No thumbs down, thumbs up
for staying sober and engaging at all.

courage2

I think/hope I understand, Delizadee. Until nine months ago, in sobriety, I was continuing in disgusting compulsive behavior -- I was actually taking it to new highs (or lows, depending on how you look at it). My sponsor told me it was "better than drinking."

The behavior gave me some of the sick satisfaction that the whole alcoholic life had given me -- for me, it wasn't just the numbness, it was the whole cycle of flaring out on something, crashing afterward, and the lying. Sometimes I think that my main addiction is deceit.

But over time, and with more sobriety (and more medication), I found that I got less satisfaction from it, and more understanding of its harm. The ratio of benefit to cost changed in favor of giving it up.

I think as you persist in sobriety and treatment, you'll find a new perspective on your other addictions that will make it easier for you to go in the direction you want.

In the meantime, as they say, don't beat yourself up. Stick with the fundamentals -- don't drink. Head held high!

ReadyAtLast

I will not drink today as have 3 7 year old children here and hard enough to handle sober never mind drunk

kittycat3

Keep trying Delizadee. We aren't going to let you get that tattoo!

Good luck RAL

How are you doing tonight courage?

courage2

I'm utterly exhausted, kitty, thanks for asking. And I have a pile of laundry & 2 hours work-work ahead of me tonight. I seem to be bouncing back and forth between drool-mode and obsession these days.

The good news is husband comes home tomorrow and he helps me regulate my self. Mostly by reminding me when I'm acting crazy

This is the first time that I've been alone so long -- 2 weeks -- since I got sober I think. There've been a few days here and there, and a bunch of 3 day-ish business trips, during most of which I've been a little... stressed & weird. And once, drunk. So these 2 weeks have been a big accomplishment for me.

How're you, kitty?

Dee74

I'm glad the 2 weeks is almost over but I'm proud of you too Courage

D