Opinions Needed! Am I going crazy?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 36
Opinions Needed! Am I going crazy?
Hey all,
I've been struggling with this issue for several months now, and its a very corrosive situation. As you will see, there isn't many I can talk with about this.
After 10 years of destructive daily drinking - I am 292 days sober. I was a textbook "high functioning" drunk - but I was very clearly killing myself. Even though I had struggled for several years trying to stop drinking - it only finally "clicked" with me late last year. Since then, my detox, PAWS and healing has been fairly easy going.
Here's my problem....
For my 10 year long battle, my wife (who is a trained and registered mental health professional) said nothing. I was literally drinking myself to death in front of her eyes - and she did nothing. Even towards the end - I was getting very sick, very toxic, very alcoholic - she didn't say a word.
Last week, she even admitted that she had recognized that I was looking sick and yellow right before I stopped drinking.
Fortunately for me - I was able to figure it out myself. But now, even as it has been relatively easy for me - she seems like she is getting more and more distant. She has been terribly unenthusiastic about my recovery. It's almost as if she is now unhappy that I'm getting better. We are now less connected as a couple than we were when I was a stupid drunk.
Now, when I try to talk about what I'm going through, or even to point out my breakthroughs and milestones she seems indifferent and distant.
A couple of disclosures/possible explanations:
1. I am a totally single minded individual. I'm not a very good person at taking "orders" - not even suggestions. Maybe she knew that solving my drinking problem was an "inside job" and was giving me my space.
2. She also has her own addictions issues with food, particularly sugar. Maybe she is somehow jealous/unhappy that my recovery is going so well.
I would love to hear your thoughts on this - I am losing my mind! If you have an opinion or similar experience - please take a few minutes to help me out!
Thanks!
I've been struggling with this issue for several months now, and its a very corrosive situation. As you will see, there isn't many I can talk with about this.
After 10 years of destructive daily drinking - I am 292 days sober. I was a textbook "high functioning" drunk - but I was very clearly killing myself. Even though I had struggled for several years trying to stop drinking - it only finally "clicked" with me late last year. Since then, my detox, PAWS and healing has been fairly easy going.
Here's my problem....
For my 10 year long battle, my wife (who is a trained and registered mental health professional) said nothing. I was literally drinking myself to death in front of her eyes - and she did nothing. Even towards the end - I was getting very sick, very toxic, very alcoholic - she didn't say a word.
Last week, she even admitted that she had recognized that I was looking sick and yellow right before I stopped drinking.
Fortunately for me - I was able to figure it out myself. But now, even as it has been relatively easy for me - she seems like she is getting more and more distant. She has been terribly unenthusiastic about my recovery. It's almost as if she is now unhappy that I'm getting better. We are now less connected as a couple than we were when I was a stupid drunk.
Now, when I try to talk about what I'm going through, or even to point out my breakthroughs and milestones she seems indifferent and distant.
A couple of disclosures/possible explanations:
1. I am a totally single minded individual. I'm not a very good person at taking "orders" - not even suggestions. Maybe she knew that solving my drinking problem was an "inside job" and was giving me my space.
2. She also has her own addictions issues with food, particularly sugar. Maybe she is somehow jealous/unhappy that my recovery is going so well.
I would love to hear your thoughts on this - I am losing my mind! If you have an opinion or similar experience - please take a few minutes to help me out!
Thanks!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 322
Your recovery is YOUR recovery. I know you are not thinking about quitting quitting drinking because of your situation, are you?
Have you considered marital counseling? Nothing is worth losing sobriety over.
Have you considered marital counseling? Nothing is worth losing sobriety over.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,003
Hi Dad23,
I'm a visitor from the friends and family forum. Those of us who have been in a relationship with A's often find out we are as, or more, messed up than the addict. I am one of those.
Your drinking was part of your family/relational dynamic. In some messed up way it probably worked for her possibly/probably connected to the sugar addiction. Like you she probably turns to the substance of her choice instead of dealing with her issues. I'm like this myself. Happy, healthy people are hard for me to be around.
I'm a visitor from the friends and family forum. Those of us who have been in a relationship with A's often find out we are as, or more, messed up than the addict. I am one of those.
Your drinking was part of your family/relational dynamic. In some messed up way it probably worked for her possibly/probably connected to the sugar addiction. Like you she probably turns to the substance of her choice instead of dealing with her issues. I'm like this myself. Happy, healthy people are hard for me to be around.
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Location: Northeast WI
Posts: 163
It could be either of the things you mentioned, or something else. Just a thought/possibility - not to be a downer, but in sobriety you may be seeing some of the realities of your relationship that have been there for a long time, rather than seeing an actual "change." The haze of alcohol may have made you see things differently or not at all.
I don't know if that's the case, of course. Something to think about, maybe. I'm glad you've hung on despite the lack of support!
I don't know if that's the case, of course. Something to think about, maybe. I'm glad you've hung on despite the lack of support!
Member
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 43
I would definitely look into counseling with her. Have you tried talking to her about it for her reasoning? That may be a good place to start. Communication is key in relationships. Also with her being a mental health professional, she may not want to deal with mental health outside of work. Kind of like how doctors don't like their friends coming to them with problems off the clock because they need time to rest as well and not think about patients.
Your drunken normal could have become her normal. And now that you're changing, it means she has to change as well in a sense. Normal household life is no longer the same. I personally do not like change. It's hard for me to get on another routine. *I believe that's a big problem with all of us here*
But I would really say first and foremost, just talk to her. No matter the outcome, you need to know what she's thinking. Because if she doesn't want the relationship to work, then you need to know that. If she does, then that's a great starting point to begin making plans on the recovery of your relationship. Good luck.
Your drunken normal could have become her normal. And now that you're changing, it means she has to change as well in a sense. Normal household life is no longer the same. I personally do not like change. It's hard for me to get on another routine. *I believe that's a big problem with all of us here*
But I would really say first and foremost, just talk to her. No matter the outcome, you need to know what she's thinking. Because if she doesn't want the relationship to work, then you need to know that. If she does, then that's a great starting point to begin making plans on the recovery of your relationship. Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
maybe put yourself in her shoes?
would you be intersted in someone that is
"totally single minded individual. I'm not a very good person at taking "orders" - not even suggestions?"
personally that statement has me saying," why should i give my thoughts or opinion on the problem when the person has already said that?"
but,
what are YOU putting into the relationship?
what expectations do you have of her to be enthusiastic?
i remember callin my sponsor years ago on my anniversary. the real motive was to get a pat on the back. he said," im not pattin you on the back for living the way you should have been your entire life."
that sure deflated my ego.
would you be intersted in someone that is
"totally single minded individual. I'm not a very good person at taking "orders" - not even suggestions?"
personally that statement has me saying," why should i give my thoughts or opinion on the problem when the person has already said that?"
but,
what are YOU putting into the relationship?
what expectations do you have of her to be enthusiastic?
i remember callin my sponsor years ago on my anniversary. the real motive was to get a pat on the back. he said," im not pattin you on the back for living the way you should have been your entire life."
that sure deflated my ego.
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
As long as your working on your recovery that's all that matters pointing out her addiction & saying she didn't say a word about your addiction sounds like your trying to blame her & also if she didn't say a word & your there pointing out her addiction to sugar seems unfair maybe Im reading this wrong but to me this sounds like petulance
This is your addiction no one else's if no one notices that's alright because we're not doing it for them were doing it for us
Think about how lucky you are to still have a partner that wants to be with you maybe she doesn't know how to handle this doesn't know what to say your not helping things by pointing out her flaws & making a big thing about your recovery
Sorry if I seem harsh brother but I think you need to re-adjust your perception of things here
This is your addiction no one else's if no one notices that's alright because we're not doing it for them were doing it for us
Think about how lucky you are to still have a partner that wants to be with you maybe she doesn't know how to handle this doesn't know what to say your not helping things by pointing out her flaws & making a big thing about your recovery
Sorry if I seem harsh brother but I think you need to re-adjust your perception of things here
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,499
Ok, so I'm not married and therefore this might be way off. But my best friend has a food addiction problem. Before I stopped drinking, we had a couple of heart-to-hearts where I confessed my fears I was drinking too much. Her mirror confession was about eating too much especially sugary foods.
Then I quit drinking and we talked once about how it was inspiring her to do something about her own issues. But unfortunately she didn't follow through. Later she came to visit when I was living in a different city and gave me 2 bottles of my favourite champagne - she had forgotten I'd quit.
I have no hard evidence that my sobering up is confronting to her when it comes to her own issues, but I do intuit it. What can I say? It's just a hunch. She's my best friend, whereas you're talking about your wife - your companion and the person you live with day in day out and someone I assume you know VERY well. So you might just be on to something.
But I'm with others about not calling her out on it. Counselling would be the way to go if your marriage is suffering (I see you have described this as a "corrosive situation"). Just as it was more powerful that you to came to your own conclusions (and look at you almost 300 days later...!), if her own issues are really the problem, she needs to realise this herself.
Then I quit drinking and we talked once about how it was inspiring her to do something about her own issues. But unfortunately she didn't follow through. Later she came to visit when I was living in a different city and gave me 2 bottles of my favourite champagne - she had forgotten I'd quit.
I have no hard evidence that my sobering up is confronting to her when it comes to her own issues, but I do intuit it. What can I say? It's just a hunch. She's my best friend, whereas you're talking about your wife - your companion and the person you live with day in day out and someone I assume you know VERY well. So you might just be on to something.
But I'm with others about not calling her out on it. Counselling would be the way to go if your marriage is suffering (I see you have described this as a "corrosive situation"). Just as it was more powerful that you to came to your own conclusions (and look at you almost 300 days later...!), if her own issues are really the problem, she needs to realise this herself.
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