New here and 8 days clean from opiates
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Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 2
New here and 8 days clean from opiates
Hello all.
First, I know my post is long but I feel that I have to tell my whole story as this is my first time posting on any forums about this.
I have read various forums for 2+ years now, reading so many people's stories/experiences/advice to help with my own demons. I am 26 and have been using opiates for the last 5-6 years of my life with real daily usage starting about 3 years ago. Started with a few Hydrocodone here and there with a couple friends, as everyone has said - it provided the euphoria, reduced social-anxiety, etc. I thought they were awesome and would only rarely get them through someone who knew someone. Eventually, that someone wanted me to go directly to the source and I obliged thinking I had control over being a "pill-head" as I had made fun of so many people my age for getting addicted to pills. Had I known what a mistake this would be, I would've never done it. Before all of this, I had a passion that provided me the opportunity to be self-employed, I was extremely healthy, and truly the happiest I have ever been in my life. Fast forward to the last 3 years, my very best friend moved out of state and I starting hanging out with some old friends who did a decent amount of pills. From there, it slowly went downhill. I met a fantastic person and we started dating - ironically met through that group of friends but she quickly matured and we got away from them and the drugs, at-least she did. We had a fantastic relationship but for some reason, I started taking more and more Hydrocodone almost daily. I kept it pretty low with dosages at 3x5mg throughout the day. This just kept increasing until it got to be around 5x10mg everyday. I got my first set of withdrawals somewhere in there and would supplement with 15mg morphine's everytime to try and avoid them until my source got their script. This continued over the next 2.5 years until a year ago, we broke up and it wasn't about the drugs. In fact, I have hid this addiction from not only her but everyone I know. How? I do not know because I feel like I have been living a double life. What was a mutual, no-hard-feelings, friendly break up which made us both so happy was followed by the worst year of my life. She moved out and my usage had only gotten worse. Up to 8x10mg a day and not only was it Hydrocodone, I started taking 30-40mg of Adderall with it. Lately, the source I was going through started having someone else buy more of the Hydrocodone than I could afford, so I switched to Oxymorphone. With pills taking up a lot of my money and me paying all the bills by myself, I have been in so much debt and constantly owing someone money. The worst part of all of this is I live right next door to my source and have spent more money than I care to admit. I decided this last month, I am DONE with this! I am moving out and into a friend's apartment on the other side of town on the 19th of this month. The addict in me thought I could get by on a few Oxymorphone until they got the Hydrocodone on the 12th and I could get out of withdrawals to move. 8 days ago, I said "What the **** am I doing? There is no better time than NOW. You're prolonging the inevitable. Say goodbye to this life once and for all!" I threw my pills out and here I am - 8 days clean and really ready for this to be my last time. I have went through more withdrawals and relapses than I can count. I have lost my passions for things that used to make me so happy, lost weight and have just been so unhappy with what my life has become.
Overall, the worst days seemed to have been day 2-5 for me with most of the physical symptoms being pretty much gone now minus crampy legs and fatigue here and there. Since day one, I have been taking an organic multi-vitamin, a C & B vitamin complex as well as magnesium and calcium for sleep. I plan to continue this regimen as I have also become very unhealthy over these last few years so I think it's a good idea to start living a healthier life with this change. I will say, my mind is getting so much clearer now and I can start to feel the true happiness I used to feel coming back. Music sounds better and actually gives me chills now. I can FEEL it cause my brain isn't relying on a pill to make me feel something anymore. I am so excited to save money and not have to worry about having "just enough" pills in my pocket wherever I go. However, the one thing that is still really bothering me is that I am sweating uncontrollably under my armpits, sometimes having to shower multiple times a day.
Now I know the next stage of this is dealing with PAWS, avoiding triggers and that is exactly why I'm here. I'm a little anxious for the 12th to roll around and still have a week left in the place I am in now after that. I know they are going to text me and tell me they have pills. After I move, I plan to block their number and never speak to them again but I can not do that while I still live here or they will confront me about it in person and I don't know if I can handle telling them face-to-face, that while it has been all my doing, I can't help but feel some sort of way that they did not feel they were contributing to the addiction of a 26 year old considering I was giving them so much money and they have a son my age. But like I said, in the end, it's all my fault and I take full responsibility.
I would like to hear some other people's stories/advice and get a little support from people who have went through or are going through the same thing. I understand my usage was not as bad as some people's and I truly feel for everyone who has to go through this crap. It's horrible and now that I'm more clear-headed, I beat myself up for how stupid I am for putting myself through this so many times!
I truly appreciate anyone who reads and/or replies to this.
First, I know my post is long but I feel that I have to tell my whole story as this is my first time posting on any forums about this.
I have read various forums for 2+ years now, reading so many people's stories/experiences/advice to help with my own demons. I am 26 and have been using opiates for the last 5-6 years of my life with real daily usage starting about 3 years ago. Started with a few Hydrocodone here and there with a couple friends, as everyone has said - it provided the euphoria, reduced social-anxiety, etc. I thought they were awesome and would only rarely get them through someone who knew someone. Eventually, that someone wanted me to go directly to the source and I obliged thinking I had control over being a "pill-head" as I had made fun of so many people my age for getting addicted to pills. Had I known what a mistake this would be, I would've never done it. Before all of this, I had a passion that provided me the opportunity to be self-employed, I was extremely healthy, and truly the happiest I have ever been in my life. Fast forward to the last 3 years, my very best friend moved out of state and I starting hanging out with some old friends who did a decent amount of pills. From there, it slowly went downhill. I met a fantastic person and we started dating - ironically met through that group of friends but she quickly matured and we got away from them and the drugs, at-least she did. We had a fantastic relationship but for some reason, I started taking more and more Hydrocodone almost daily. I kept it pretty low with dosages at 3x5mg throughout the day. This just kept increasing until it got to be around 5x10mg everyday. I got my first set of withdrawals somewhere in there and would supplement with 15mg morphine's everytime to try and avoid them until my source got their script. This continued over the next 2.5 years until a year ago, we broke up and it wasn't about the drugs. In fact, I have hid this addiction from not only her but everyone I know. How? I do not know because I feel like I have been living a double life. What was a mutual, no-hard-feelings, friendly break up which made us both so happy was followed by the worst year of my life. She moved out and my usage had only gotten worse. Up to 8x10mg a day and not only was it Hydrocodone, I started taking 30-40mg of Adderall with it. Lately, the source I was going through started having someone else buy more of the Hydrocodone than I could afford, so I switched to Oxymorphone. With pills taking up a lot of my money and me paying all the bills by myself, I have been in so much debt and constantly owing someone money. The worst part of all of this is I live right next door to my source and have spent more money than I care to admit. I decided this last month, I am DONE with this! I am moving out and into a friend's apartment on the other side of town on the 19th of this month. The addict in me thought I could get by on a few Oxymorphone until they got the Hydrocodone on the 12th and I could get out of withdrawals to move. 8 days ago, I said "What the **** am I doing? There is no better time than NOW. You're prolonging the inevitable. Say goodbye to this life once and for all!" I threw my pills out and here I am - 8 days clean and really ready for this to be my last time. I have went through more withdrawals and relapses than I can count. I have lost my passions for things that used to make me so happy, lost weight and have just been so unhappy with what my life has become.
Overall, the worst days seemed to have been day 2-5 for me with most of the physical symptoms being pretty much gone now minus crampy legs and fatigue here and there. Since day one, I have been taking an organic multi-vitamin, a C & B vitamin complex as well as magnesium and calcium for sleep. I plan to continue this regimen as I have also become very unhealthy over these last few years so I think it's a good idea to start living a healthier life with this change. I will say, my mind is getting so much clearer now and I can start to feel the true happiness I used to feel coming back. Music sounds better and actually gives me chills now. I can FEEL it cause my brain isn't relying on a pill to make me feel something anymore. I am so excited to save money and not have to worry about having "just enough" pills in my pocket wherever I go. However, the one thing that is still really bothering me is that I am sweating uncontrollably under my armpits, sometimes having to shower multiple times a day.
Now I know the next stage of this is dealing with PAWS, avoiding triggers and that is exactly why I'm here. I'm a little anxious for the 12th to roll around and still have a week left in the place I am in now after that. I know they are going to text me and tell me they have pills. After I move, I plan to block their number and never speak to them again but I can not do that while I still live here or they will confront me about it in person and I don't know if I can handle telling them face-to-face, that while it has been all my doing, I can't help but feel some sort of way that they did not feel they were contributing to the addiction of a 26 year old considering I was giving them so much money and they have a son my age. But like I said, in the end, it's all my fault and I take full responsibility.
I would like to hear some other people's stories/advice and get a little support from people who have went through or are going through the same thing. I understand my usage was not as bad as some people's and I truly feel for everyone who has to go through this crap. It's horrible and now that I'm more clear-headed, I beat myself up for how stupid I am for putting myself through this so many times!
I truly appreciate anyone who reads and/or replies to this.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Western NY
Posts: 1,209
Done26 - one suggestion I would give is to burn the bridge with your supplier asap. It made things real when I started telling people I was done. Recovery for me involves doing things that are uncomfortable, and the more anxious I am about doing the right thing the more I benefit from following through on it. You don't owe them any explanations. It can be a simple text and then blocking them. If they decide to approach you face-to-face afterwards then you man up and tell them the same thing to their face. Just my 0.02.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 2
Thanks for the replies everyone. I apologize on the late reply - I had a busy day with work, doing some work on my car and starting the process of packing. It felt good getting so many things accomplished today.
My sober date is actually 8/31 but I don't like to count it until 8:00pm hits because I took my last pill on 8/31 right before 8:00. So I guess in 16 hours, it will officially be 10 days.
OpioPhobe, you're so right and that is what I need to do. I will probably send them a text tomorrow then block them. If they say something in person before I move, it's just something I'll have to deal with. Like I said, I'm done living that way and am ready to get back to the real me again.
Just finished a documentary and going to bed now. Thanks again everyone!
My sober date is actually 8/31 but I don't like to count it until 8:00pm hits because I took my last pill on 8/31 right before 8:00. So I guess in 16 hours, it will officially be 10 days.
OpioPhobe, you're so right and that is what I need to do. I will probably send them a text tomorrow then block them. If they say something in person before I move, it's just something I'll have to deal with. Like I said, I'm done living that way and am ready to get back to the real me again.
Just finished a documentary and going to bed now. Thanks again everyone!
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