MIRecovery

I have an individual in my life that I've decided is toxic. The older she gets the meaner and more opinionated she gets. She is racist, homophobic, and just basically is not a nice person. Yesterday I decided she was occuping to much of my thought and was living in my head rent free. I was building up resentments that just don't need to be there. What a gift of sobriety that I can see she is unhealthy for me and I don't need or want her in my life. I'm related to her so she can't be eliminated but I sure as heck don't need to be involved with her as much as I have been. I feel sorry for her because I am not the only person she is alienating but the chances of her changing is almost zero so I need to take care of myself and avoid people who make me unhappy

Anna

That's really good, and really important self-care, MIR.

ScottFromWI

Very solid thought process and choice MIR. And you are right, what a gift sobriety is that it allows us to make these kinds of decisions.

BrandonInCO

I can't tell you how many people I've dropped over the years for those exact same reasons. And each time I did, I definitely saw an improvement in my quality of life.

Glad you were able to see the light and take care of yourself in that regard.

Soberpotamus

It can be a hard decision to make. Good for you for drawing a line and taking care of you.

FreeOwl

If we allow the influence of negativity to take a place in our lives... then we ourselves are toxic people.

If we focus on lining our lives with gratitude, positive influences, empathy, compassion, goodness, kindness......

Then we nurture growth and joy and love.

And when we focus on the opposite of toxicity, then we will find there are very few toxic people in our sphere. Including ourselves.

hpdw

I know what you mean . I have a close relative who is like your individual but x10 and I stay clear where possible . I am no saint but I am noticing the longer I am away from drink the better I am acting amongst people and I can't tolerate loud, cursing , idle gossip . Then I remind myself that they might have issues so I don't judge but I don't join in or encourage them either. Work environment is where most of this goes on as its low paid long hours .

Darwinia

Racism and homophobia. Often the guiding lights of the small mind.

Optimini

I drop people for way less than that, you're probably way nicer than me.

MIRecovery

As she has gotten older she has slowly gotten worse. I was so concerned with proving myself right that I lost sight of the fact that this person was having a negative impact on my serenity. Thankfully she did 4 to 5 things in a row that were really offensive and I got all worked up until I had the the realization that I have no power over people but I can control me. So I just withdrew. Easy Peazy.

Not my circus not my monkeys

ElleDee

That's what I was thinking. LOL. Same here!

Eddiebuckle

Turning on the "do not disturb" feature for this person's contact info in your phone is an option to consider as well. The phone won't ring when she calls, you can choose to listen to her voicemails when and if you are in a place to hear them.

Zebra1275

Good for you. It's tougher when you are related.

Mags1

Thanks MIR, I understand you completely! I'm so pleased we can have the clarity to realise it is not us who has the problem. For too long I've gone along with people and soaked up their negativity and as Dee said to me once 'Do you need this person in your life?' It's true, it's not your circus! (Love that saying)!

MIRecovery

I loved the saying from the second I heard it and it applies to so many things but it especially relates to getting rid of the unnecessary drama in our lives. It is so easy to get sucked in we have to always be on the look out for toxic people and situations

micmac

I had a toxic friend move away and I realized how much better life was when I did not have to deal with her

Delizadee

Toxic exes and dealing with shared children =

I wish I could cut them out of my life or turn them off.

But good for you MIR. You have to come first in your sobriety and you need and deserve to be surrounded by good, loving, compassionate people.
Not everyone is perfect but, part of being sober/recovered is setting our internal/external boundaries.
Soul vampires need not apply as friends nor acquaintances.

Charlie117926

Great post MIR. It took me a long time to purge toxic people from my life. I hinged on them while trying to get sober. We all know that doesnt work. The purge i speak of was the catalyst to push to constant daily sobriety. Thanks for sharing

August252015

I don't ever want to cut my mother - bipolar and an alcoholic, in recovery- out of my life. I do, however, have to have and maintain (that's the key, really - keeping them!)

My (sober) bf and I were just talking about how .... vigilant and, frankly, ruthless about whom I allow in my life. I just don't have room for toxic, negative, or dramatic. Not always easy but such an easier, less stressful way of living.

Fly N Buy

MIR - This was my daily reading this morning.......thought of your thread when read it;

Even as a tortoise draws in its limbs, the wise can draw in their senses at will.


What a marvelous simile! Just imagine a tortoise being approached by a group of school children with sticks in their hands. He sees the children coming, and the command is given to the limbs, “Retire!” Immediately, the head, the tail, and the four legs withdraw into the shell. The children come; they tap on the shell with their sticks, trying to get the tortoise to come out. He is safe inside.

After the children leave and all is quiet, the tortoise ventures to stick his neck out, then his tail and legs. He continues his journey, unconcerned. He goes where he likes.

If we want to live in freedom, we must train our senses. We learn when to welcome an experience, and when to withdraw for our own safety. We become masters of our lives. Then we will be like the giant tortoise I saw at the zoo – wandering freely while all the other animals were in cages. A notice on his back read: “I am free. Don’t report me to the management.”