Day 8. Coming out of Denial
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Austin, Texas
Posts: 21
Day 8. Coming out of Denial
I've barely had any physical withdrawal symptoms over the last week (besides the desperate urge to drink that I have so far overcome), so I wondered if I was just exaggerating about being a true addict. I know better, and know that this is something an addict tries to do, to justify their addiction. But I couldn't help but feel that way regardless. It has made it hard to talk to anyone IRL about what I'm going through. I can't fully understand why.
Note: My withdrawal symptoms were subtle but they were there. I was just surprised the first week wasn't worse based on what I've heard it's like and the amount I used to drink every single day for 8 years straight until exactly 8 days ago.
So, I haven't made any kind of big announcement to anyone about what I'm doing (plus I don't want the attention). But I told one of my friends at work today that has been sober for 2 years after being a heavy binge drinker. She is an extremely empathetic person and always seems to know just what to say. I told her "I've been sober for 8 days" while I was kinda laughing like I could be making some kind of a joke and she might brush it off. But she looked at me straight in the eyes with complete seriousness and said "No...that is a big deal. What you have done is incredible...and not easy to do."
Anyway that led to a very deep, very long conversation between us. It was awesome talking to someone who knew exactly what I was feeling. To want to try and change the years of horrible self-destruction, after a realization that your life could be or should be better.
She said we do this because we have to, the only alternative is to give up. And then we both dang near started crying right then and there so we had to change the subject because you know...we were at work! But it took me a second to realize she was talking about giving up on life. And she was right. If I keep betraying my body like this it's just the same as abandoning my life. I let alcohol do that to me and I couldn't stop and there's nothing to deny about that.
I live alone, and since quitting I have a lot more time to think and self-reflect. I am not ready to go out and do anything or be around my friends because I associate them with drinking to have fun. I feel a sense of emptiness and loneliness so the most I can do is just sit here and be gentle to myself and listen to what the emptiness has to say.
All of you were right too, reading around on here has helped far more than I thought. Even just to escape boredom and loneliness. I really do get a lot of encouragement through your stories. Thanks for reading about my update
Note: My withdrawal symptoms were subtle but they were there. I was just surprised the first week wasn't worse based on what I've heard it's like and the amount I used to drink every single day for 8 years straight until exactly 8 days ago.
So, I haven't made any kind of big announcement to anyone about what I'm doing (plus I don't want the attention). But I told one of my friends at work today that has been sober for 2 years after being a heavy binge drinker. She is an extremely empathetic person and always seems to know just what to say. I told her "I've been sober for 8 days" while I was kinda laughing like I could be making some kind of a joke and she might brush it off. But she looked at me straight in the eyes with complete seriousness and said "No...that is a big deal. What you have done is incredible...and not easy to do."
Anyway that led to a very deep, very long conversation between us. It was awesome talking to someone who knew exactly what I was feeling. To want to try and change the years of horrible self-destruction, after a realization that your life could be or should be better.
She said we do this because we have to, the only alternative is to give up. And then we both dang near started crying right then and there so we had to change the subject because you know...we were at work! But it took me a second to realize she was talking about giving up on life. And she was right. If I keep betraying my body like this it's just the same as abandoning my life. I let alcohol do that to me and I couldn't stop and there's nothing to deny about that.
I live alone, and since quitting I have a lot more time to think and self-reflect. I am not ready to go out and do anything or be around my friends because I associate them with drinking to have fun. I feel a sense of emptiness and loneliness so the most I can do is just sit here and be gentle to myself and listen to what the emptiness has to say.
All of you were right too, reading around on here has helped far more than I thought. Even just to escape boredom and loneliness. I really do get a lot of encouragement through your stories. Thanks for reading about my update
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Florida
Posts: 185
I've often wondered the same thing. Am I exaggerating or am I making this more than it is? The answer is NO. I was sober for 10 months and thought I could moderate. I was so wrong. I didn't think I was that bad. Or as bad as other people. Wrong again. Congratulations on day 8! You know you have a problem. Otherwise you wouldn't be here. I wish you the best!
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Hi and welcome,
8 days is awesome. You made it through the detox w no big issues.
Be on guard for the relapse.
Since you had no real physical issues, the mental might get you.
Your brain is used to being under the influence.
Without the booze, your anxiety may ramp up and get you to drink.
It will take the form of....I can control my drinking...or I will drink just wine....I will only drink on weekends....
Next thing you know...back to everyday.
You have to change your life a bit to be content w out the booze.
Otherwise, you will be miserable.
Thanks.
8 days is awesome. You made it through the detox w no big issues.
Be on guard for the relapse.
Since you had no real physical issues, the mental might get you.
Your brain is used to being under the influence.
Without the booze, your anxiety may ramp up and get you to drink.
It will take the form of....I can control my drinking...or I will drink just wine....I will only drink on weekends....
Next thing you know...back to everyday.
You have to change your life a bit to be content w out the booze.
Otherwise, you will be miserable.
Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 379
Woot Woot! 8 days is fantastic, actually by this time according to my clock, you should have 9 days! *high five*
Yeah take some time to take care of you, maybe the little things you didnt or couldnt do when you were drinking. Yesterday I gave myself a full out manicure and pedicure. May sound silly but I had to have someone else do it for me in the past, I shook too much to paint my nails! So yeah, spend 70 bucks to have my nails done at a salon vs. me showing myself some self love? Thats a no brainer!
Yeah take some time to take care of you, maybe the little things you didnt or couldnt do when you were drinking. Yesterday I gave myself a full out manicure and pedicure. May sound silly but I had to have someone else do it for me in the past, I shook too much to paint my nails! So yeah, spend 70 bucks to have my nails done at a salon vs. me showing myself some self love? Thats a no brainer!
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
How wonderful you have found a sober friend who understands!
And she's right...eight days is a REALLY big deal. You're so close to double digits! And then it seems like no time at all before you don't even remember what day you're on. I had to go look it up just now...249 and counting.
You can do this!
And she's right...eight days is a REALLY big deal. You're so close to double digits! And then it seems like no time at all before you don't even remember what day you're on. I had to go look it up just now...249 and counting.
You can do this!
Giving up is NOT an option.
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Western Wisconsin
Posts: 7,809
I convinced myself so many times that I was okay, not really an alcoholic, because I could stop for a week or two when I wanted to. Well, after many many instances of quitting for a while and trying to moderate, it became clear to me that I was in extreme denial. Once I admitted to myself I really was an alcoholic, and that the only answer was to quit, I felt such relief. What are you doing to support your recovery, besides SR? Do you have some sort of plan? For me, having a plan this time around was essential. I could not have done it alone, no matter how much I wanted to. I went to treatment, started going to AA, made a few close sober friends, and told my whole family and most of my friends I was quitting. I needed all that support. And so far, it's all working. Day 644.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: St.Petersburg, FL.
Posts: 1,077
Eight days is a very big deal, Jennes and I am so glad you talked to your friend about it. I drank heavily for 12 years and quit without any real withdrawal symptoms. I started up again, of course thought I could handle it and drank for another 6 years, nearly destroying my life. When I'd had enough and stopped all at once I had full-blown alcoholic hallucinosis , horrifying audio and visual hallucinations, every bad thing one could think of. After rehab I still drank-that wasn't even enough to stop me. After nearly losing my life in a single-car accident (yes, while drinking after almost a year of sobriety) I have been sober for 9 months and plan to keep it that way. I have a real plan now and lots of support from my family and friends. Alcohol is incredibly unpredictable. I wish your the best on your journey.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,578
Hey Jennes, well done on 8 days!
It was right around 8 or 10 days sober that I started having thoughts like "I'm not really addicted to alcohol, it wasn't that bad, I've exaggerated and blown this up into a bigger deal than it really was". I, too, didn't have much in the way of withdrawal symptoms, other than some insomnia. It was easy to compare myself to others and think I wasn't "that bad" (I was attending AA and heard lots of dark stories).
It was hard for me to talk to people IRL about it too -- because I must have sounded to others like I was in denial, trying to rationalize my drinking. But inside I felt honestly, truly confused and was trying to get this right, trying to understand.
I decided to pursue sobriety "as if" I were addicted, and make a serious plan to stay sober even if I wasn't truly an alcoholic. I figured I had nothing to lose ... I'd been drinking wine for years, and wasn't happy with how things were going. So why not try life without drinking?
I'm glad I did ... it became clear to me later, I was able to see that I was addicted. Maybe I was just in "early stage alcoholism" so lots of things hadn't happened "yet" ... but I was headed in the wrong direction, and sobriety has turned out to be the answer.
Best wishes to you.
It was right around 8 or 10 days sober that I started having thoughts like "I'm not really addicted to alcohol, it wasn't that bad, I've exaggerated and blown this up into a bigger deal than it really was". I, too, didn't have much in the way of withdrawal symptoms, other than some insomnia. It was easy to compare myself to others and think I wasn't "that bad" (I was attending AA and heard lots of dark stories).
It was hard for me to talk to people IRL about it too -- because I must have sounded to others like I was in denial, trying to rationalize my drinking. But inside I felt honestly, truly confused and was trying to get this right, trying to understand.
I decided to pursue sobriety "as if" I were addicted, and make a serious plan to stay sober even if I wasn't truly an alcoholic. I figured I had nothing to lose ... I'd been drinking wine for years, and wasn't happy with how things were going. So why not try life without drinking?
I'm glad I did ... it became clear to me later, I was able to see that I was addicted. Maybe I was just in "early stage alcoholism" so lots of things hadn't happened "yet" ... but I was headed in the wrong direction, and sobriety has turned out to be the answer.
Best wishes to you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Austin, Texas
Posts: 21
Originally Posted by tursiops999 
Hey Jennes, well done on 8 days!
It was right around 8 or 10 days sober that I started having thoughts like "I'm not really addicted to alcohol, it wasn't that bad, I've exaggerated and blown this up into a bigger deal than it really was". I, too, didn't have much in the way of withdrawal symptoms, other than some insomnia. It was easy to compare myself to others and think I wasn't "that bad" (I was attending AA and heard lots of dark stories).
It was hard for me to talk to people IRL about it too -- because I must have sounded to others like I was in denial, trying to rationalize my drinking. But inside I felt honestly, truly confused and was trying to get this right, trying to understand.
I decided to pursue sobriety "as if" I were addicted, and make a serious plan to stay sober even if I wasn't truly an alcoholic. I figured I had nothing to lose ... I'd been drinking wine for years, and wasn't happy with how things were going. So why not try life without drinking?
I'm glad I did ... it became clear to me later, I was able to see that I was addicted. Maybe I was just in "early stage alcoholism" so lots of things hadn't happened "yet" ... but I was headed in the wrong direction, and sobriety has turned out to be the answer.
Best wishes to you.
It was right around 8 or 10 days sober that I started having thoughts like "I'm not really addicted to alcohol, it wasn't that bad, I've exaggerated and blown this up into a bigger deal than it really was". I, too, didn't have much in the way of withdrawal symptoms, other than some insomnia. It was easy to compare myself to others and think I wasn't "that bad" (I was attending AA and heard lots of dark stories).
It was hard for me to talk to people IRL about it too -- because I must have sounded to others like I was in denial, trying to rationalize my drinking. But inside I felt honestly, truly confused and was trying to get this right, trying to understand.
I decided to pursue sobriety "as if" I were addicted, and make a serious plan to stay sober even if I wasn't truly an alcoholic. I figured I had nothing to lose ... I'd been drinking wine for years, and wasn't happy with how things were going. So why not try life without drinking?
I'm glad I did ... it became clear to me later, I was able to see that I was addicted. Maybe I was just in "early stage alcoholism" so lots of things hadn't happened "yet" ... but I was headed in the wrong direction, and sobriety has turned out to be the answer.
Best wishes to you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Austin, Texas
Posts: 21
Originally Posted by MLD51
I convinced myself so many times that I was okay, not really an alcoholic, because I could stop for a week or two when I wanted to. Well, after many many instances of quitting for a while and trying to moderate, it became clear to me that I was in extreme denial. Once I admitted to myself I really was an alcoholic, and that the only answer was to quit, I felt such relief. What are you doing to support your recovery, besides SR? Do you have some sort of plan? For me, having a plan this time around was essential. I could not have done it alone, no matter how much I wanted to. I went to treatment, started going to AA, made a few close sober friends, and told my whole family and most of my friends I was quitting. I needed all that support. And so far, it's all working. Day 644.
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