Smilax

I started getting into drinking some time in my late teens and early twenties but for well over a decade it was mostly something I did at family gatherings and on the occasional weekend. There were red flags then, not knowing my limits, sometimes drinking till I threw up. It started to become more chronic in recent years and morphed into daily drinking in the last several months before I stopped.

One personality trait that I can point to though that I think has exacerbated things for me is that I've always been a loner. I've had few friends growing up and always kept people at an arms length. I prefer my own solitude and do most things on my own. Not all of this is bad mind you, I greatly enjoy my alone time, time to ponder, be at peace with myself. But it's also meant a great loneliness and inability to connect comfortably with others.

Due to this I filled that emptiness with obsessions. Be it alcohol or other forms of self harm. They numbed me to the longing for contact. And I drank alone too. I was never a social drinker and even now bars and the like aren't triggering for me as I don't associate them with drinking. But being alone when I feel low I very much do. My go to would be to end my days alone in my place drinking a bottle of wine and beers.

I think my greatest struggle has been and remains what to do with this sense of emptiness. I've never been in a relationship my entire life, at the age of 34. And I don't know what that even looks like or how to go about solving this, getting what I feel I need.

Can anyone relate?

Smilax

I realise too on some level that I actually potentially have a lot to offer in a relationship. Not to blow my own horn but I realise that I'm intelligent, funny, good looking, many aspects of me would make me a down right catch. But then there's also the chronic depression, the horribly low self image, the constant broken record that I am on some topics. And so I tell myself I don't want to inflict myself on others.

The truth is that I'm just terrified to the point of paralysis of even trying. Like I am with so much in my life.

CajunPrincess

I can absolutely relate to this 100 %. I have been a loner ever since I was a little girl. Never had a huge group of friends but always had one or two close friends. When I started drinking, it was never because of peer pressure or anything. I always drank by myself (well, with my cats) at home at night. I definitely require my alone time to recharge, and I know my alone times at night were spent drinking...so it's been quite an adjustment spending my nights alone SOBER. I hear it gets better though.

Tetra

I can also relate to this. I always had a hard time with people and used alcohol as a crutch. I used to describe myself as an "introvert" but in reality I was just trying to cover up my social anxiety. I don't know if that is you though!
I asked my friend and she said "nah you were never an introvert. You just weren't happy".
I have given up alcohol and I have a job now. Last Friday I spent coffee break in the staff room with my colleagues which would have been unthinkable for me even a year ago.
I don't spend every coffee break with them as we all work in one office and I like to clear my head at times but it's nice to know I can socialise with them when I'm in the mood to do so.

sweetichick

I became a loner after about age 35. I spend a lot of my time alone. Nights are hard for me too because I'm used to sitting at home with my bottle. I chose the bottle as my friend. I've had a few really close friends and two were drinking buddies. I've had 4 longterm relationships in which I basically made friends with their friends. At the moment I have no friends or any relationship. I'm trying to change that but feel uncomfortable around others because I can be a bit wierd. I'm hoping to go to Aa now I'm feeling a bit better physically and hope to at least benefit from being around others. But I think it is a common trait of alcoholics to isolate especially while drinking.

cwood3

CP, I also used to drink with my cats, but it got too expensive so I cut them off. Actually, they didn't drink, but they listened to me when I talked. Smilax, I am kind of the same way (except I'm short, not good looking, and am strange). I was always comfortable being by myself. I like people, but it always seemed that when I got friendly, they would take that as a signal to unload life stories, want me to be like them, etc. etc. My hope is that as I come off of a 42 year drinking career, that I can start relating to others in a more normal way. I think alcohol had a lot to do with the way I am, heck I know it did.

Dee74

I started drinking because I didn't want to be a loner - I was terrified to be alone with only myself for company, and I thought that alcohol/drugs would help me in social situations.

Since I got into recovery I've found I quite like my own company now and the quiet life, but I mix with others better than I ever thought I did too

D

kinzoku

I'm a loner and being sober and having traveled and moved a lot doesn't help. I find I get along with almost anyone one on one but because I don't party I rarely get involved with crowds. I've made my peace with that. I hear meetup.com is good, I've been trying to do some events in my city but my schedule is nuts.

IvanMike

One of the funniest things that happens in a Narcotics Anonymous meeting is when a newer person shares and says something like, "I'm different, I'm a loaner. I'm not comfortable sharing with other people. I have a hard time trusting other people...."

All of the members who have been there a while smile in identification.

least

I'm a loner by nature, living alone with my dogs and cats, and am quite content. With the dogs and cats, I never feel truly alone as they are excellent company.

Soberpotamus

I'm a loner living in marriage to another loner. I am the one of us who needs the most solitude, though, and that can be extremely frustrating. He has more friends than I do. Mine are just a few associations that go way back -- long-time friends from college days and just after college. I don't see them much these days as we all live apart. I wouldn't say the few associations I have now are 'friendships' so much as they are casual acquaintances.

I guard my time these days. I write and read a lot. At least 4-5 hours per day or so, on a good day.

Yes, it can be lonely at times, but mostly I am fulfilled in what I do with my alone time. I don't actually feel 'alone' because I am constantly thinking about something.

Drinking, unfortunately, was a habit I got into very early and worked perfectly with this kind of lone-ness, until it wreaked havoc on my entire life, of course.

I wasn't completely comfortable with being truly alone until well in the second year of sobriety. It took a little while to be OK with myself. I had to do some adjusting, and at times, major adjusting. Internal adjustments. Perspective changes and such. Acceptance of reality, etc.

I don't think alcohol made me a loner. I do think I was this way from an early age. I was an only child and I entertained myself and lived in my own world. I wrote plays, songs, and stories all the time.

Still doing it now. Just stories, though. I do sing but I don't write the lyrics down anymore. It's mostly silly improvisations.

I hope that your emptiness resolves at some point, and that you're OK with yourself before getting into a relationship. I think that's hugely important.

Anna

This is me, too.

Smilax

Thanks for all the replies guys! It's comforting to know others understand.

What is it about life that I'm terrified of?

Soberpotamus

Life can be scary at times, but I think the trick is to try not to let that stop you from doing things.

Forward12

I for sure can relate. Always had few friends, I can't socialize well, then the booze started picking up in my 20's. For the first time in my life I felt alive, I went out all the time (only to places where booze was of course) socialized well, I felt amazing.
Then the years go on, the drinking gets worse and worse, to the point where I have no energy or desire to go really anywhere or doing anything. Make up excuses why I can't hang out with friends when asked,..etc. In a way I actually find peace with isolating myself and being a loner.
In some ways it makes me feel like a loser, but in others that it is ok to not fit with social norms that your "value" so to speak is how many friends you have, and outgoing places/things you can do just so you can post pics on facebook.

Zebra1275

I was more of a loaner when I was drinking, probably because I was trying to hide it.

Although I'm a bit of an introvert, I'm certainly not a loaner anymore.

Andante

I've always found the distinction between solitude and isolation to be useful.

Solitude is generally a good thing. It's when you spend time alone in order to recharge your batteries, engage in constructive reflection, commune with nature or animals, or just unplug for a while from a world whose pace is becoming increasingly frenetic. Those of us who occupy the "introvert" end of the spectrum need a lot of solitude.

Isolation is not so good. That's when you avoid being around other people for negative reasons based on fear or anger, and it often only gets worse if the underlying causes aren't addressed.

The odd thing about alcohol is that it can start out aiding shy or introverted people to socialize more, but then eventually it turns the tables and can cause even gregarious people to retreat into isolation because of the way it warps perception and can amplify fear and anger over time.

I need a lot of solitude, but I know I tend to isolate too. Sometimes it's hard for me to tell the difference myself.

Delizadee

I have conflicting feelings of needing to be not alone and then needing to be absolutely alone.

Isolation is a huge trigger for me and my cross the board addictions. When I am all alone and euphoric all bets are off. When I am alone and depressed, I am a risk to myself. I am working hard to stop isolating. It's hard being in a new town and constantly effing my reputation whether or not I'm sober.
I frustrate me.
I do feel very lonely a lot lately. A huge chapter of my life is coming to a slow and painful close and it's hard going through it alone. So I get the feeling of I need some starsprinkle from somebody in person, then like... go away. I have things to figure out.

I know my knee jerk reaction to new people (outside of a work setting) is to be standoffish and even avoid, back from my shameful days of horrid drinking when I couldn't leave the house most of the time and when I could I couldn't look people in the eye. Working on that. That is not me anymore.
You might feel like a loner, but you are definitely not alone.

Mklove

I heard a few people saying they were strange, I remember as a young girl feeling strange, wierd, self conscious. I came to the conclusion that we all feel this way, in some way. I haven't thought of this in a while but recall it felt a lot better not to refer to myself that way. Congratulations everyone for celebrating the long weekend your healthy way.

lunar

Yep.