HealthyK

I always feel like such a jerk posting in here when I'm having a rough time. I've been struggling with my drinking off and on for about 8 months now. I stopped for about 2 years but I got hit hard again with my social anxiety. And now it's marijuana too. I am so afraid of not being fun or likeable even with evidence to the contrary

I don't have control over my drinking. I have no off switch. And I'm so mad at myself because I know this. And I'm so upset by the fact that I can't be "normal" and just have one or two beers.

Sorry for the rant. I had a bad night and I'm going to recommit myself to sobriety but I'm just really struggling right now. I feel like I've let everyone down including myself.


Sorry

kk1k5x

Just rant away. Let it all out.

doggonecarl

Sorry you are struggling with quitting.

Recovery is about change. Big change. Maybe bigger than you are prepared to take. One of the changes you need to make is your resentment about not being able to drink "normally" Alcoholics chase attempts at "normal" drinking to their death. Find acceptance about your affliction, acceptance about never drinking (or smoking pot) and build yourself a new, sober, life.

Soberwolf

Welcome back brother

D122y

Healthy,

2 years clean is amazing. This time stop forever. We are not designed to drink booze. It is a cooked up addictive drug.

I'm only 16 months and I struggle w craving. My time is around 5

I empathize w the desire to be social. I figure you are a young person going out to clubs and bars on Saturday night. That is what young people do. I partied like a rock star.

I understand being sober at those places sucks. Pretty much have to change it up.

Doing the same thing and not drinking makes us miserable.

The answer...imo...is a lifestyle change. A plan that starts when we wake up....until we go to bed. A sober plan.

This booze thing is no joke. There are people posting right now that are ready to die. We had a gal at my AA meeting kill herself in a drunk black out.

Let's stay clean. W a relapse after 2 years, you might have some long term PAWS. That might be why it is tough to quit.

I still have some PAWS. But, it gets better each day.

Thanks for the post.

Delilah1

Welcome back! What helped you to stay sober during those two years?

HealthyK

Thanks guys. This is helpful. I woke up this morning like why the hell am I doing this to myself?

I don't even like the feeling of being intoxicated any longer. I just still get so agitated that I can't be normal and I have a hard time admitting that I have this disease when I see people around me who drink way more and more frequently and they don't seem to think there's an issue.

I was pretty happy when I was sober and I would really like to get back to that place again.

HealthyK

I was tired of having hangover panic attacks and apologizing. I was really proud of myself and I had a great therapist who helped me and really supportive friends. I got cocky and thought I was at the point where I could handle one or two beers. Until the binge happens.

2muchpain

Sorry to hear about your struggles. Maybe posting here more often might help. Do you have other support besides SR? You made it to two years so you know you can do it again, but doing it alone is a tough way to do it. John

Dubliner

Hi, I can totally relate to a lot your situation.

I too have fallen off the wagon a good few times myself, social anxiety and depression/fear usually is the culprit. I do be fine and not even thinking about it for months but when I have some down time or time to myself I tend to completely isolate myself from everything and have an occasional few drinks. Although I do not black out or put myself in dangerous situations outside of myself, although I do always regret it the next day and feel like crap, mentally physically and spiritually.

It's important to know that we know this behaviour is wrong & isn't what we want to be doing and are in the right place. I wish you the very best x

Anna

I hope you can stop blaming yourself and just focus on staying sober and happy. You did it before, so you can do it again now. There is lots of support here. Your feelings of self-pity and not being able to drink normally are typical and they will go away as time passes.

fini

I always feel like such a jerk posting in here when I'm having a rough time.


it might go better for you to post much more consistently. regular participation with others has worked well for me. it keeps my attention and awareness engaged.

cwood3

And don't assume, when you see other "normal" drinkers, that they don't have a drinking problem. Often we only see the outside peel of the onion and make a judgement call.

Dubliner

I will second what Fini said. It will really help to interact and relate and most importantly you will see that so many others are the same as us with regards to alcohol and Anxieties. Hopefully this will make you stop blaming yourself, that is one of the important things to do is stop blaming yourself, God Bless.

2muchpain

Very good point!! I could go out with family and friends and have just a few drinks. Other times, I would hide a half-pint of vodka in my sock. After having a drink or two, I'd excuse myself to the restroom and drink that. I couldn't wait to get home where I could do some serious drinking. I'm sure many others do the same thing. Looks can be deceiving. John

Dee74

I'm glad to see you back HealthyK. I agree with the others who said post here more - maybe even join the Class of September support thread?

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...art-1-a-6.html

D