For the kids.....
 

So I'm not at rock bottom. At all. I don't drink everyday, I don't always drink too much when I drink, I'm healthy and functioning. Nothing drastic has happened, I'm not wallowing in the throws of a hangover or dripping with regret from a drunken mistake. I drank last night, yes, but I didn't black out or pass out or neglect my adult responsibilities.

But I still feel guilty. I feel guilty that I felt the need to drink to make the night pass by. I regret that I had the smell of wine on my breath as I put my older son to bed. I hate that. Hate that I'm in a place in my life where I'm so afraid of the quiet that I try to escape from it with alcohol. I don't want my kids to grow up in a household where mommy drinks.... Controlled or otherwise.

So no.... I didn't hit rock bottom. But damn am I still looking at it that way :(

It is an excellent move to put the drink down before drinking escalates in your life. By doing so now, you will not have regrets, but if you continue the odds of you having regrets and large amounts of guilt will dramatically increase. You will then have to deal with those feelings - it is kinda like getting over a trauma if the guilt is extensive.

It may be your ROCK BOTTOM - it is a wake-up call. Feeling guilty is one of the signs you have a problem.

There is an excellent book you can start reading if you enjoy reading it's called
Mommy Doesn't Drink Here Anymore: Getting Through the First Year of Sobriety
If you use a Kindle, there is that version on amazon or a print version
by Rachael Brownell

You may be able to relate to the writer.

Stick around here, you will get tons of support to help you get and stay sober. :-)

You don't have to be a hot drunken mess to feel bad about your drinking. We all have different levels of rock bottom. I considered my experience cracking my head against a hotel toilet and ending up in the hospital with a concussion my rock bottom. Some may think that was just a bad night. Others may think they would never get bad. Maybe rock bottom for you is actually just a feeling of disappointment that you are living this way. It may be that this is a friendly wake up call letting you know you need to stop before it gets any worse.

you know how in Star Wars... when Han Solo says "Warp Drive, Chewy...."


And then the warp drive kicks in... and at first the stars just start to move... kinda slow... then faster... then a little faster......

But then at some point it's just BAM!!!!!!!! And suddenly everything is a blur?

Well, that's how Rock Bottom comes. And you never really know where you are in that warp drive until after it happens.

Keep on toying with it, and you will find it. Guranteed. And once it happens, once you're past that tippping point and into the blur...... there's no slowing it down.

You are at a point that is a paradox; bad enough to recognize you're headed toward no return. Not bad enough to make you want to stop.

That's the horrible, tragic reality of this thing.....

My advice; embrace sobriety while you still have the choice to do so. It's so much better, and you will save yourself - AND your children - a lot of tragic awfulness.

:grouphug:

I can really relate to what you've written because I was at that same point a few years back, at that fork in the road where I just had this internal knowing that something wasnt right, but the exterior just didnt look that bad. Prior to that time I was actually a social drinker who had a few examples of overuse/abuse in my past but absolutely no pattern and most importantly no internal concerns, no little voice urging me to make a change or google alcohol problems or alcoholism.
Then it happened. A triggering event took place in my life. Something that was completely out of my control and was severely debiliating to my emotional well being. I turned to the one thing that I hadnt had any specific problems with and coped with the event with alcohol. I knew that alcohol was highly effective for me in checking out, I knew the way it altered my mood and numbed my feelings and so I sought it out at every opportunity. Alcoholism came very quickly and the down ward spiral was swift and for me, complete.
Even still, I didnt and havent experienced all of the exterior consequences that many have, but I didnt have to. I was well aware of what was happening INSIDE of me and realized ( and realize) that all of those exterior consequences are just waiting for me if I allow this thing to progress. If my inner voice starts talking to me and comparing me to others, Im not that bad, I didnt do this and I didnt do that, I just have to tell it to shut the hell up and leave me alone. Im thankful my bottom didnt HAVE to include all of those things ( jails, loss of job, loss of family) and Im grateful for the chance today to deal with whatever life throws at me, without checking out. TO be fully present to the good and the bad is a gift, its hard for sure, but a gift nonetheless.

I wish you only the best and SO happy you are here.

This is my thing too. I don't want to have a rock bottom. I don't want to have an event happen where my husband says quit or I'm gone. Or for my kids to suffer. Or for my family/friends to call me out on drinking. I don't want that. I don't want to lose control of this little voice. Last night I could have kept drinking. I had tons of alcohol in the house. But I didn't. I ate food instead lol. But I'd be lying if there wasn't a little voice in my head trying to convince me I needed just one more. I let it convince me to start drinking and I'm disappointed in myself about that.

you get to chose your rock bottom at this time.

so, now what is your plan to remain sober?

Oh gracious I don't even know. I need to just stop and give myself a short term goal. Like 30 days no drinking. Or something like that. Problem is I still romanticize alcohol. I think fondly of how the buzzzzzzzz quiets my brain from my worries and how it makes the lonely nights pass by. Even though really, that's ********. I'm running from my problems and the loneliness rather than facing it. And I hate the wondering: will I accidentally drink too much tonight, make a fool of myself, mess up my kids somehow, disappoint my husband? I hate that. THe romance of alcohol is all smoke and mirrors.

It's never about how much we drink or how bad things get.

Can you stop and stay stopped easily?

This realisation is key, hold onto it.

There are other things you might want to think about, how would you drive your kids to see a doctor if they needed one at night?
What if a neighbour needed help and you'd already had a few?
None of these things concern a sober person. Maybe try to see sobriety as amazing freedom.
Alcohol actually KEPT me lonely for years.
Good luck to you.
xx

This. Right there. Terrifies me. :'(

I'm not trying to be cruel, honestly. But it is well worth thinking about these things. You are clearly a loving parent and don't want your kids to be affected.
I can only recommend getting sober, you'll never regret it.
I too was still functioning, still had a job, some colleagues and friends would never have known I had a problem (I think anyway).
BUT I knew, and it sounds like you might know too.
xx

If drinking is making you feel guilty and interfering with your way of parenting and desires for being a good, healthy parent and person, then stopping is probably the best answer. Whether you label yourself an alcoholic or not (at least right now) is not so much the point as asking yourself is alcohol a good or a bad influence in your life? Sounds like the latter.

Some would say try not drinking for a month, a year, whatever, and see what happens. Some would say start going to AA and learning about alcoholism, and as suggested read other people's stories.

Another good book for the "mommy drinker" so to speak is Sober is the New Black by Rachel Black, and Drunk Mom: A Memoir by Jowita Bydlowksa. Other books on women and how alcohol plays a negative part in their lives would be Drinking to Distraction and Drinking: A Love Story by Caroline Knapp. There are a LOT of books out there that are either memoirs or research-based accounts of the role alcohol plays in womens' lives today.

Good luck.

I DID hit a true rock bottom. It's what I needed to get me to quit, once and for all. You don't need to go through what I, and many people here, have been through.

Do it for yourself, your kids, your future. Alcohol is poison. You don't need to be a "textbook" alcoholic to realize that and nip it in the bud before it's too late. Many many people die from alcohol-related injuries and illnesses.

I am thankful every day for my sobriety, and for the knowledge that I will never put my kids or grandchild in danger because of drinking. It's a true feeling of freedom.

Read around some posts here and see what others struggle with. It could be a window into your future if you continue to drink.

You're not being cruel, you're being real. And that's a good quality to have. I love my children deeply and the amount of times the worst could have happened is terrifying to me. If I'm always sober than I'll never have to worry about having a regretful moment... Because I'll always be clear minded. My friends and family in no way suspect I have guilt about my drinking. Because for the MOST part it is controlled. Social. Here and there. When around them. It's the home alone while husband is out working when I have the problem. To which my husband is completely aware of.

Then don't drink. Simple. You CAN do this!

Simple problems, simple solutions.... Right? <insert sarcastic laugh>

I certainly remember my father smelling of booze and behaving completely differently when drunk. Maybe proceed as if you have completely hit rock bottom? Go to meetings?

No. I'm not going to go to meetings. But I will proceed as though I've hit rock bottom. I just don't want to be a "drinker". My kids deserve better than that. So does my husband.

I am right there with you slipnslide. I do an online meeting majority of meetings before my daughter is awake. It helps start my day. I also feared something happening, something huge.. I was always almost there.

for today we have a choice. my friends sister died this past weekend of an overdose. she has a 5 year old son. I am heartbroken. So heartbroken. I don't know the details, or what she used, I knew that for years off and on she struggled. now she is gone......

we have a choice today.