MIRecovery

Haven't had any major meltdowns lately about the death of my daughter. Still absolutely crushed and grieving but at the same time happy. It is the strangest combination of emotions.

I love being sober, I'm proud of myself for not taking a drink during times so dark there are not words for them, happy with myself and all of the gifts God has given me.

Yet there is hardly a hour my heart does not ache. Tears flow down my checks especially when I see little girls, and think of her plus the grand children that will never be.

I guess being happy and sad at the same time is progress. Prior to her death I often wondered what could make me drink. I know the answer now, nothing.

Mattq2

MIR,
I can't even imagine the pain you have suffered. The passing of ones child is something no parent should ever experience. I hope that somehow you find the path to healing. I will say your sobriety during this insanely difficult time is incredibly inspiring to me. To hide from my comparably minuscule problems with alcohol would be inexcusable. I wish you and the rest of your family the best my friend. I mean that.

trachemys

I've often said Titans walk the halls here.

You are a Titan.

january161992

inspirational

Delizadee

(((((((((MIR))))))))
You are a very strong man and your strength inspires me... at the same time my heart hurts for you. I agree with Matt, no parent should have to go through that.
Sending you love and strength. Grateful to be a part of a community with such amazing people as yourself. Thank you for sharing yourself and your story with us.

Ooona

I understand. I too lost a child and theres nothing Ive ever been through before or since that has caused that level of despair.
Grief comes in waves and ebbs and flows and does leave us with a sometimes confusing array of feelings, thats for sure. Personally I never thought I would be able to experience happiness or joy again, I didnt even think I would smile again. Im so relieved to now be able to have those moments of happiness that give a reprieve from the deep sadness, I dont think I could have survived otherwise.
You are such an inspiration! My alcoholism took an immediate and progressive downward spiral spin when my son passed. I am now 32 days sober and finally dealing with life on lifes terms. Its difficult for sure but I feel more stable and capable to deal with the daily ups and downs that come with this process. Im sure our children are very proud of us too and that warms my heart!

Venecia

I know the loss of a child is unlike any other grief imaginable. Your much-loved daughter is mourned with a pain unlike anything else you can feel.

I do think there are common threads in mourning, regardless of the loss. One is that grief and mourning evolve. It never goes away, especially when the life-changing experience of losing a child is involved.

But I think it changes.

Perhaps that's what you're experience, MIR.

Upon edit: Our posts intersected, Ooona. My kindest thoughts go to you.

MIRecovery

Thank you for the kind words. Strong? I don't think so. I hovered on the edge of unraveling for a long time and there are still days where I just wish to leave this world.

It is not the hand we are dealt that makes a difference. It is how we play the hand we are dealt

PurpleKnight

You're a stronger man than I am MIR, and that inspires me!!

MIRecovery

I am sorry for your loss in a way that onlya fellow member of our exclusive club can be sorry. One of the things that makes child loss so hard is the loneliness . Others move on but we don't. People are uncomfortable around us because they are afraid they will makes us cry and what we want most is someone to acknowledge that our child lived and still lives in our hearts. Crying is the least of our problems and if others saw how many tears fell when no one was watching they would know crying is not a big deal to us.

Congrats on 32 days and feel free to reach out on the bad days because sometimes for a day or two we just need someone who understands

Delilah1

MIR and Ooona, just want you both to know I am saying prayers for both of you tonight to continue to find the strength to move forward each day. I k i.e. There are t any words to say, but I am very sorry.

MythOfSisyphus

Almost everything I want to say sounds so trite and silly as it appears as pixels on the page. I can't imagine what it must be like, MIR. In my imagination I imagine it's a much worse version of how I feel about the passing of my dad. Missing the person isn't even the right word, it's deeper than missing them. It's the finality of it, and the way it leaves a hole in you where your heart should be, a hole nothing seems to fill. It's obviously different in the case of a parent that is older and in poor health, but the best way I can describe it is like we describe historic dates- A.D. and B.C. There's my life before he passed and my life after.

As trite as it sounds I really do believe your daughter would be proud of you, MIR. Proud of your sobriety. I'm positive she would want happiness for you. I hope you will one day find some peace.

MythOfSisyphus

BTW, the weirdest feeling I had in the first year after my dad passed was guilt. I'd have days where I would snap out of the funk and be really happy, but then I'd realize I was happy and he was gone. That would make me feel really guilty. It doesn't make any sense but I felt that way. I hope you don't feel that way, MIR.

Ooona

Thank you so very much. I too extend the invitation to you to reach out to me to share and reflect. Sharing helps so much especially with those who allow you to cry and wont try to shut you down.
((((hugs))))

hpdw

I am so sorry for your loss MIR & Ooona , as a parent of 3 I can't imagine what you are going through . You being sober is truly inspiring to me .

Soberwolf

Glad your here MiR