Day Two.
 

I'm 31 years old, and I hadn't gone more than 24 hours without drinking since I was 23 years old. Today is day 2 with no alcohol, and I'm writing this in hopes I will be too distracted to go to the nearby grocery store where I'd frequently stop and buy wine. It closes in 45 minutes at 11pm. Normally, If I didn't have any booze in the house at this time of night, I'd be rushing to get there knowing I wouldn't want to end up having to get drunk on beer from an open-late gas station. And when I say I'd have to get drunk I mean it. Most nights I'd drink 1-2 bottles of wine and whiskey until I either ran out of it or passed out from it.

Despite this I'd wake up to my alarm every morning and go to my job. While somewhat sluggish, moody, and always hungry I was for the most part very functional and I was able to pass as someone who drank just as much as anyone else. When talking about drinking with co-workers, I almost enjoyed "blending in" and pretending like I was headed to the gym after work, or to a movie instead of spending my evening in the comfort of my own studio apartment, numbing my depression and anxiety with alcohol while watching my favorite show. This has been my idea of fun for quite awhile. I'd choose this over going out, despite being a social person. I associate booze with feeling at home, relaxed and away from the stress of work and people. I'd wake up tired, and just make it through the day until I could go home and "recover" with more booze.

There wasn't any particular wake up call or rock bottom event. I was always at rock bottom and I was fully aware that alcohol was killing me. It had ruined many of my relationships, jobs, and I even flunked out of grad school because I couldn't go a single night without drinking which didn't match well with needing to read and memorize a massive amount of information. It's been over a year since that happened. But recently I've been thinking a lot about what led me to be where I am now. Almost all of it revolves around alcoholism and how I used it to temporarily feel good during negative and depressing times in my life. It was "normal" to drink a lot in my early twenties too, so I saw no reason to not do it. It was almost a bonus that it just delayed the process of dealing with any real problems by temporarily escaping from them, and hiding them from myself. And now 8 years later, I'm finally trying to come to terms with everything and salvage my life.

It's very clear to me that in order be happy and survive in general I have to stop drinking. I slowed down about a week ago after being broken up with yet again. This time, the booze was partially responsible but not in the way you would think. I did have one "alcohol-induced freak-out" on him where I was a complete B**** and had to later apologize, but we broke up for other reasons several months later. Part of how alcohol affected this relationship was that I was angry at myself because I wanted to be better for him, and wanted to be more for him and I wasn't because the alcohol had been inhibiting me from accomplishing more than the bare minimum for so long. I was boring, without interests, and I felt I could have had more to offer to both myself and to others that I cared about, but I had cheated myself from it. I had wasted too much time getting drunk. I never wanted to do anything recreational unless it involved alcohol. I was reluctant to go on road trips or vacations out of fear I wouldn't have any booze easily available if I wanted it. I'd have "airport sized" liquor bottles in my purse all the time. I once lived with a friend while in-between apartments and I hid empty bottles all over the room until I knew she was out of the house and I could throw them away. I had no interest in going out to dinner or even lunch if it was an alcohol-free restaurant. I could never join a club or pursue any interests because going home and drinking was always more fun. Hell I couldn't even muster the motivation to get to an AA meeting even though I looked up their times and locations several times and vowed to go after work. I guess that's why I'm here instead.

I want to make it to 30 days without booze and then see what happens. After only 2 days, I woke up and looked in the mirror and my face wasn't red for the first time in ages. My blemishes and zits had faded. My complexion just looked so balanced. I always thought I didn't "look" like an alcoholic. It never caused me to gain weight for whatever reason, and I even look young for my age. So I was just surprised to see a noticeable physical effect right away. I won't say I have more energy but I have more time, which I will hopefully use to recover from alcohol abuse and work on myself overall.

Everything in my body hurts from being heartbroken, and I know one sip of booze will only amplify my current emotions. I know breakups normally cause people to drink, but it is a big motivator for me to NOT drink right now because I know I couldn't bear the pain of hurting even more than I do now. But I hope I can use it as a way to transition into a life without alcohol abuse. I want to be healthy and happy, I want to be proud of myself for taking care of myself and following my ambitions without being held back. I had given up hope for so long, and thought it was too late, or that I was too old anyway, and I was just going to be a disaster until some miracle saved me. But here's hoping that maybe I can save myself. I don't know if I'll make it to 30 days, but I really, really want to. At least for now, it's past 11pm so I can't buy booze, just time until tomorrow.

welcome

8/29/2013 ... sounds like a great sobriety date

post tomorrow on your 3rd day

tell us how youre doing


:tyou

Thank you for sharing, great post. I wish you the best for your goal - you can do it. Many times I've counted minutes - stores close at 10 pm here - to see whether disaster happens or can be averted this time. If I did chase that drink, I'd always 'go for a walk' at around 21.30, until, apparently, my walks extended to about midnight. Too ashamed to even go home for the drinking, be questioned about the smell etc.

What you've decided to do will be great for you. Stay strong

welcome, Jennes. You can have a very bright and happy future ahead, without alcohol -- and you deserve that. You'll find lots of support and help here.

Glad to have you join us Jennes - welcome :)

D

Welcome Jennes. You can find a lot of support here and possibly a miracle in the making. I've been here just over two weeks which is a small amount of time, but my life is already so much better.

Read around. It did wonders for me.

Welcome! Glad you're here. This community has helped me tremendously, and I'm sure it will do the same for you. Just keep reading and posting, and make sure you post when you think you're about to pick up again.

I too stopped doing social things if alcohol wasn't involved. My nightly ritual was getting home from work, sitting on the couch in front of the tv, and downing my beers. It was always such a comforting escape for me. But it also was making my life pretty ugly.

Good luck to you!

Welcome Jennes

Nice to meet you Jennes

Welcome. Congrats on day two. Keep moving forward. You can do it.

Jennes, you sound like me. A functional binge drinking alcoholic.

I am on day 18. You think you look better now just wait. Once tou start getting real sleep things turn around.

Read my old post. I quit several times just to try to moderate. I failed over and over. I drank for the exact same reasons as you and started in college like you. Story is almost the same. I have a great job but have been hiding bottles for years and being a hermit from friends to drink too. It was my happy time but I came to see it as addiction just like you.

My life, my new wife, and my family are too important to go back. Message me on here if you want to talk. We can do this!

My step 1 goal is 30 days also.

Welcome to the Forum Jennes!! :wave:

Welcome aboard. It is amazing we can live that way for so long "functioning" like that, when I look back at it.

You will find a lot of support here, you will face a lot of temptation in early sobriety, so you should probably work on getting some type of plan in place for when you get strong urges.

Hi Jennes , welcome to a great community . Well done for your time without drinking .
Hi to you too BD84 ,

wishing you both well

Thanks everyone. Your support meant a lot to me when I woke up and read it the next day, and I thought of it throughout as well. It's day 5 for me now and I'm still going. I'll have bursts of positivity and energy and motivation and then I'll get depressed. I can really only sleep about 3-4 hours a night which are probably withdrawal symptoms. The urge is there but I'm trying to focus all of this negative energy towards thinking of the positive that will come out of it. But the day when I stop feeling this way can't come soon enough!

THIS. You can both do it! I was a functional drinker, but all my co-workers at a high-end job and friends/roommates drank as well so it was the norm. Then I took a job on the music scene, and well. Some stereotypes are true, rockstar excess being one.

I decided to go sober because I felt after one tour that we had gone particularly hard and I didn't think it was healthy. I had no idea about withdrawal, and accidentally went through it. Without proper education, I started drinking nine days later...ended up having shakes so badly after a night of drinking two weeks later that I was terrified to touch it again. I didn't know how I was going to fill my time or fit in with my life again without it. It's like going through a breakup.

I'm on day 35. Still engaged to my fiancé. Still have my crazy friends. Still go out. Haven't touched a drink despite being surrounded by it. I'm tempted sometimes, mostly out of curiosity to see if my neurotransmitters can handle "just one". But I don't /need/ it. You can get there. Day five turns into day ten turns into fifteen twenty forty and then a year. We've got you along the way. :)

welcome Jennes check in on the daily 24 hour connection that commitment has kept me from drinking many a days, we will be here for you

Jennes, Day 5 is terrific and I'm glad you're feeling good.

The urges will lessen and go away as long as you stay sober. :)

Day 5 is fantastic!! Keep it going!! :scoregood

Welcome to SR jennes. This is a wonderful place to get sober.