Fourth time is a charm?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 10
Fourth time is a charm?
I returned from dropping my son off to rehab for the fourth time this week and decided I need an outlet for the feelings I am experiencing.
I am hoping this site will help me express all the feelings I have and perhaps my story could help someone else.
I used to think I knew what an alcoholic was, what they looked like, how they behaved. I grew up with a family full of alcoholics, all fairly well functioning. We knew alcohol was a problem for them that led to many other health issues and death for several, but they were older and had lived full lives (or at least it seemed that way).
My son is not a functioning alcoholic and the horrors involved with that statement are too much to bear at times. He is also not old by any means of the word. He just turned 22 and has his whole life ahead of him.
28 days-He always stays all 28 days and does everything he should.
For now, I have 28 days.
28 days of a little peace.
28 days with a little less worry.
28 days filled with hope, that this is the time.
28 days that go by so quickly.
Day 1-always the hardest. Dropping your child off and leaving them behind. He never fights going, is never angry, but the sadness of the day is heartbreaking.
I no longer have the uncertainty of what the first day holds. We are experts on the first day. We know how much laundry detergent it takes for a 28 day stay, that's something I didn't even think about the first time.
The Good News-
He is alive
He is getting help
He believes in AA
That's it for now. Thanks for listening.
I am hoping this site will help me express all the feelings I have and perhaps my story could help someone else.
I used to think I knew what an alcoholic was, what they looked like, how they behaved. I grew up with a family full of alcoholics, all fairly well functioning. We knew alcohol was a problem for them that led to many other health issues and death for several, but they were older and had lived full lives (or at least it seemed that way).
My son is not a functioning alcoholic and the horrors involved with that statement are too much to bear at times. He is also not old by any means of the word. He just turned 22 and has his whole life ahead of him.
28 days-He always stays all 28 days and does everything he should.
For now, I have 28 days.
28 days of a little peace.
28 days with a little less worry.
28 days filled with hope, that this is the time.
28 days that go by so quickly.
Day 1-always the hardest. Dropping your child off and leaving them behind. He never fights going, is never angry, but the sadness of the day is heartbreaking.
I no longer have the uncertainty of what the first day holds. We are experts on the first day. We know how much laundry detergent it takes for a 28 day stay, that's something I didn't even think about the first time.
The Good News-
He is alive
He is getting help
He believes in AA
That's it for now. Thanks for listening.
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
Welcome to SR Hope4Slim
Sorry you're having such a rough time. You might find some good reading in the Friends and Family section of the forums.
Be Well!
Sorry you're having such a rough time. You might find some good reading in the Friends and Family section of the forums.
Be Well!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
welcome.
I just returned from a trip to get a friend into a psych unit / treatment ward at the hospital. It was an all-nighter for me.... for him, it's been an all-monther. Or more.
I've never come face to face with the few rungs above the real bottom before. I've never smelled the smell of a human dying from the inside, organs rebelling, DT's setting in, shaking violently. I've never seen and felt the despair of a man - only in his very early thirties - so convinced that nothing will help him. So desperate for help, yet so unable to believe any exists.
I've never had to make the challenging decision to involve authorities and social workers and compel a person into medical attention - to at least ensure he would see the light of the next day. Never felt the hopelessness of a dozen or more detoxes, numerous inpatients, a couple decades of drug and alcohol abuse.... shaking in my arms in a human mess wobbling toward death right there before me.
I've never had to get back in a car and drive through the night, wearily, exhausted, back to my own family and my job and responsibilities - knowing I'd done what I could and hoping, praying that he'd find a light of hope to cling to. Hoping he'd make a new set of choices with the help of those doctors.
I hope, too, that your son finds his bottom now. Finds his breaking point. Finds his decision that this is the place it turns.
I hope they both find their light..... I hope that every parent, friend, partner, companion, come-in-the-night-at-any-hour socialworker and crisis assessment specialist all see the day that their cared-for ones make the turn. Back to the light. To healing. To a new and brighter life.
I sincerely feel for you.
I just returned from a trip to get a friend into a psych unit / treatment ward at the hospital. It was an all-nighter for me.... for him, it's been an all-monther. Or more.
I've never come face to face with the few rungs above the real bottom before. I've never smelled the smell of a human dying from the inside, organs rebelling, DT's setting in, shaking violently. I've never seen and felt the despair of a man - only in his very early thirties - so convinced that nothing will help him. So desperate for help, yet so unable to believe any exists.
I've never had to make the challenging decision to involve authorities and social workers and compel a person into medical attention - to at least ensure he would see the light of the next day. Never felt the hopelessness of a dozen or more detoxes, numerous inpatients, a couple decades of drug and alcohol abuse.... shaking in my arms in a human mess wobbling toward death right there before me.
I've never had to get back in a car and drive through the night, wearily, exhausted, back to my own family and my job and responsibilities - knowing I'd done what I could and hoping, praying that he'd find a light of hope to cling to. Hoping he'd make a new set of choices with the help of those doctors.
I hope, too, that your son finds his bottom now. Finds his breaking point. Finds his decision that this is the place it turns.
I hope they both find their light..... I hope that every parent, friend, partner, companion, come-in-the-night-at-any-hour socialworker and crisis assessment specialist all see the day that their cared-for ones make the turn. Back to the light. To healing. To a new and brighter life.
I sincerely feel for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 10
The days inbetween
So now we live day by day, always checking to see if he has called or text. Needing to know he is ok for today.
He is wanting to leave early this time, says that he doesn't need another 28 days in treatment because AA is where the real work happens. His counselor has agreed to dismiss him on Sept. 9th, only 2 weeks this time. Then what?
Prior to this relapse, he was sober for 2.5 years. A great accomplishment, and we are so proud of him for that achievement.
He says he started drinking when he was 15. Alcohol at a friends house, grandparents house, my house and anywhere he could find alcohol. He hid it very well from everyone. When he couldn't get alcohol, he drank mouthwash.
Five years ago, I found chewing tobacco in his jacket which prompted a bedroom search only to find a few bottles of mouthwash. This was strange enough to ask more questions, then he told the whole truth. He needed help, he had empty bottles stashed in the drop ceiling, so many bottles. I took trash bag after trash bag to the dumpster that night. How did I not know.............
We tried outpatient rehab, he went back to drinking. I told him he couldn't stay living with me if he was drinking. He left.
He sobered up and wanted to come back home, out of money and no where else to go. This is the only time he asks for help, when he has depleted every possible resource to get more alcohol. I found him passed out on the basement floor with a bottle of rubbing alcohol. I called poison control and held his head as he vomited for the entire night. This time we did inpatient treatment. 28 days and then to a halfway house.
He lived a few hours from us in the halfway house. We visited every month or so and he seemed to be doing fine. In hindsight he started acting differently, but you talk yourself out of things easily because you want to believe they are ok. He called a lot, always too busy to see us, working a lot. Then the call came in that he needed help. We found him almost dead, living at a girls place. Yellow, frail, drunk.
He was 19 years old with acute liver failure. He recovered, thank God. That was 2.5 years ago. How do I let him go back home several hours away? I feel like I need to look at him at least every couple days, smell his breath, and talk to him face to face.
I never believe I will stop him from taking the drink, I think I can catch it before its a week or a month into the drinking. If I don't catch it, he won't stop and I will be burying him.
I want him to live at home not hours away. His AA network is there so he wants to go back to that environment. I understand that, but how can I let him go?
He is wanting to leave early this time, says that he doesn't need another 28 days in treatment because AA is where the real work happens. His counselor has agreed to dismiss him on Sept. 9th, only 2 weeks this time. Then what?
Prior to this relapse, he was sober for 2.5 years. A great accomplishment, and we are so proud of him for that achievement.
He says he started drinking when he was 15. Alcohol at a friends house, grandparents house, my house and anywhere he could find alcohol. He hid it very well from everyone. When he couldn't get alcohol, he drank mouthwash.
Five years ago, I found chewing tobacco in his jacket which prompted a bedroom search only to find a few bottles of mouthwash. This was strange enough to ask more questions, then he told the whole truth. He needed help, he had empty bottles stashed in the drop ceiling, so many bottles. I took trash bag after trash bag to the dumpster that night. How did I not know.............
We tried outpatient rehab, he went back to drinking. I told him he couldn't stay living with me if he was drinking. He left.
He sobered up and wanted to come back home, out of money and no where else to go. This is the only time he asks for help, when he has depleted every possible resource to get more alcohol. I found him passed out on the basement floor with a bottle of rubbing alcohol. I called poison control and held his head as he vomited for the entire night. This time we did inpatient treatment. 28 days and then to a halfway house.
He lived a few hours from us in the halfway house. We visited every month or so and he seemed to be doing fine. In hindsight he started acting differently, but you talk yourself out of things easily because you want to believe they are ok. He called a lot, always too busy to see us, working a lot. Then the call came in that he needed help. We found him almost dead, living at a girls place. Yellow, frail, drunk.
He was 19 years old with acute liver failure. He recovered, thank God. That was 2.5 years ago. How do I let him go back home several hours away? I feel like I need to look at him at least every couple days, smell his breath, and talk to him face to face.
I never believe I will stop him from taking the drink, I think I can catch it before its a week or a month into the drinking. If I don't catch it, he won't stop and I will be burying him.
I want him to live at home not hours away. His AA network is there so he wants to go back to that environment. I understand that, but how can I let him go?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Hi and welcome hopeforslim
While I've never been in your situation, I have been an addict and an alcoholic and I want you to know that change - real lasting change - really is possible
My turning point was when I could;t live that way one more second and I had noone left to bail me out.
I hope your sons turning point will be soon.
You need support too in all of this - have you considered something like AlAnon?
D
While I've never been in your situation, I have been an addict and an alcoholic and I want you to know that change - real lasting change - really is possible
My turning point was when I could;t live that way one more second and I had noone left to bail me out.
I hope your sons turning point will be soon.
You need support too in all of this - have you considered something like AlAnon?
D
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,967
Maybe suggest that if he believes that AA is "where the real work happens" (the real work happens as we work the steps honestly and how we live life, by the way, not in AA), that to get there, he must build a strong and solid foundation given his history and that he committed to staying for the 28 days and now he is to follow through with that commitment!
Being true/honest with our word AND actions is one of the principles of AA. (Anything else is just fluff)
Those 12 steps saved my life.
Being true/honest with our word AND actions is one of the principles of AA. (Anything else is just fluff)
Those 12 steps saved my life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 10
Originally Posted by Dee74 
Hi and welcome hopeforslim
While I've never been in your situation, I have been an addict and an alcoholic and I want you to know that change - real lasting change - really is possible
My turning point was when I could;t live that way one more second and I had noone left to bail me out.
I hope your sons turning point will be soon.
You need support too in all of this - have you considered something like AlAnon?
D
While I've never been in your situation, I have been an addict and an alcoholic and I want you to know that change - real lasting change - really is possible
My turning point was when I could;t live that way one more second and I had noone left to bail me out.
I hope your sons turning point will be soon.
You need support too in all of this - have you considered something like AlAnon?
D
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