BonScottish

Today is the first of so many Mondays where I am anxious, nervous, and just coming down from a weekend of drinking. I drank a 6 pack and a liter of rum Friday to Saturday morning. Saturday afternoon and all day Sunday I was coming down really hard. I have been through all 3 levels of treatment. I recently commenced from inpatient treatment this past April. After 60 days clean I relapsed. These periods of short sobriety followed on by 1-3 benders have happened again and again till this past Friday. Besides all my personal and professional issues....which majority of the issues were brought upon by alcohol. I know that if I can maintain my sobriety...at least I can have my self respect which would serve me a great deal in handling with my issues/stress. I learned a lot in recovery. I feel I just simply gave up and went down a path of debauchery. I've done and said things I regret. Time and time again. Why would I still keep doing this? Killing myself with this drink. Jeopardizing relationships with people that care about me? I am not in a pity party...I am just so damn tired of repeating this cycle. I sometimes think I am incapable of having the strength to say no....that I am incapable of doing the right thing for the right reasons...at the right time. This is my addict self talking I know. However I am back to square 1. I'm lucky that I am still alive and have people that I can turn too. Anyways I guess the stuff I was doing when I was 60 days clean was working right? Lol. ....Looking back I know it was helping. Doing the work in the program. God man...why did I stop? I just thought I was strong enough and could do it my own way. Well ...I see where that got me. In the midst of all this mess...I do feel a sense of mild peace. Because of the blessings mentioned above...and I know I have a meeting to go to and people I can lean on in the program. I won't lie...the kicking myself in the teeth and shame game is pretty strong today. I'm going to get back to work. Just wanted to share.

january161992

acdc fan i assume?

me too!

i spent the 80s by myself in the apartment with the drapes closed trying to shut off from life

my solution has been

meetings
sponsor
steps
service
higher power

God bless

hpdw

Somehow if we are lucky we realise we have reached the end of our drinking career . You ready to throw the towel in ? I think so .
Keep coming here for extra support . I did and I ,m staying .

Take care bud .

Soberwolf

Stick with us don't look back

D122y

Bon,

Some people believe in the science of sobriety over the spiritual aspect.

I believe in both. Whatever keeps me clean.

Consider this...

I don't read about this much, but booze changes how we process happiness, contentment, and/or serenity. Dopemine production.

Booze alters our internal happy essence production. Hence, the unstoppable need to drink after 60 clean days.

I do BJJ. There is something about a 220 lb. Man trying to break my arm that makes me forget about booze. I leave the gym exhausted. I go home and know the only way I am going to stop the assault is to get better at BJJ.

It is part of what inspires me to not drink. Plus, the grappling causes the release of adrenaline and dopamine. So I am happy w out booze.

Some folks take up weight lifting or running types of exercise, but there may not be much commraderie. It depends.... But, you get the dopamine.

I have heard joining a motorcycle club helps some folks. Riding a bike, plus commraderie. Best of both worlds.

So, that is what I offer sir. Hope it helps.

BonScottish

Thanks for that. I am in the same boat. I need that extreme release of sorts to even come close to feeling balanced at times. I'm looking at doing crossfit and other forms of training. Also looking at doing martial arts as well.

Berrybean

Sounds like it's time to chuck your shovel down. When you refer to you recovery work, what did that entail? And is thee anything stopping you getting back to it now? Today?

I have had moments where I've wondered if all the work is necessary. Surely, if I feel better then I don't need it. But I know that's just my old AV whispering lied to me again. I DO need to keep working that program, doing the work, meeting with my tribe, and helping other alcoholics. Otherwise, like you found, I'm pretty sure I'd soon convince myself that just ONE little drink wouldn't hurt. And that's where the insanity would begin.

Why not get to a meeting today?

SnazzyDresser

Your previous 60 days streak shows you can do this, SR can help. Great name btw, AC/DC forever!

MrPL

Bon,

From what I have learned about recovery so far there are two things that are needed:

1) remove drinking from your life: a short term solution to stop drinking, break the cycle and gain clarity of mind.

2) add other things to your life: use that clarity to build a long term plan and become the person you want to be.

You clearly can and know how to do number 1, you've done it already. The question is what do you have to commit yourself to so that drinking just can't happen again once the novelty of temporary sobriety wears off? In my case it is music, exercising and family, and I can relate every single time I relapsed to dropping my focus on one or all of those, but different people have different things. For some AA meeting suffice, for others God suffices, so my suggestion is: stay sober and once your body and mind get to a better place start thinking about the future Bon, the new Bon.

You can do this!

P

(ps: AC/DC rocks!)

Zanna

Yep, time to stop being a 'Nightprowler' (ouch! sorry, couldn't resist) AC/DC definitely rock
Glad you're here

<I better go check the lyrics, incase I've called you something really insulting