Darwinia

In Mozart's opera The Magic Flute the Queen of the Night tells her daughter to murder someone. The daughter says she can't do it. The Queen then responds: "daughter! Once again you disappoint me!"

I do not blame anyone for my alcoholism. I achieved this horrific status all through my own efforts. Having a narcissistic mother though made a career in alcolism often the softer option.

It is perculiar. No matter what I have achieved and what accolades I receive, I still crave my mother's approval. And that is the one thing I never get.

Of all the triggers and temptations to resort to the comfort and oblivion of alcohol, being put down once again by my mother is the most potent.

This is the one I need to nail.

4givn

Thank you Darwinia for this post.
I share in the same struggle.

Soberwolf

Go no contact ? accept the things you can't change but have courage to change the things you can

Darwinia

No contact is not an option Soberwolf. My mother and my disabled sister lives in the house next to me. I am responsible for them, have to take them to town for shopping etc. I will never let my sister down. My only option is to take the daily blows and deal with it. I mostly succeed.

dwtbd

Nailed or (unfortunately) un-nailed drinking can remain a non-option.
I don't mean this a rebuke, just a statement to your more rational side and against the AV.

skipper123

I grew up in a abusive home and have read a lot about children who are abused either physically or mentally and we never stop trying to get approval from our abuser. I believe in Karma and that good things happen to good people. Sounds like you are doing right by your sister and that's what really matters.