kk1k5x

End of Day 30+17.

The meeting went well. I was a bit ill prepared for it, but at least now I've got some better guidelines as to what I'm supposed to be doing. And yet another meeting was set up.
I slept well (even though only for about 5 hours) and had no problems waking up.
Still, I'm currently tired and worried. I don't know if I can go to Australia in January - the institution that was supposed to finance it initially had to put their money into other things (I'm the only one going from my uni, the rest of the group is from another discipline/uni - and they all just got their scholarship applications approved). I also had mine approved, but for another event. Now it just feels weird to back for 'seconds' one month later.

I don't know, it's making my head hurt, I feel exhausted and it would suck if Australia didn't happen for a reason like this.

One day at a time.

kk1k5x

End of Day 30+18.

I bounced back today.

Did 12000+ steps today, including a 4 mile walk. It was great.

Contacted the scholarship coordinator lady at my uni and she confirmed that there is actually no limit to how many times one can apply to this specific scholarship as long as the faculty still has resources (which they do, as far as I know). Reason why I felt down yesterday was in part because something was trying to mess with my dream and in part due to the fact that I received a small scholarship from my faculty, so according to the way I was raised, going back for seconds was greedy. Even though these funds are allocated to the faculties exactly for the reason of participating in academic events that no student could actually afford on their own, it still felt weird to me before I contacted that lady - now I'm just going to try again and see what happens. It will leave me one more option for November and I really want to go to that workshop (and see the world). Fingers crossed.

Today, for a moment I felt nostalgic and then very grateful. It's difficult to find comfortably fitting jeans for a guy my size and since the last pair I ordered were (and still are) really great, I decided to look up the ordering info from my inbox. Turns out I bought my last pair of pants ... two years ago. To find that particular order I had to sift through a number of other confirmation emails I'd gotten since. And, in a slightly weird way, your online ordering history reflects on the state of your financial means pretty well. There were many things I'd ordered from China or other parts of Asia, because they were cheap - some years ago, that was what I could afford.
And in that moment, I almost teared up, because I realised how much better things have gotten. I now actually have an income - albeit still somewhat spotty at times, I do okay considering that I do not have a 9 to 5 job (nor do I have to be anywhere, really, in order to have this income).
When you're poor in terms of wallet, you have to be that much better in terms of richness of your mind. I've found ways to survive - I've written articles for an online news site (they actually didn't give people money, but credits and 40 articles equaled a big-screen TV. In total, I think I earned 5 TVs in the span of about a year); I've done those 'click and have referrals and earn' type things; I've been into sports cards, rummaging through online forums, looking for deals and then making a small buck from resale; probably other things like this as well, the examples are what I remembered.
As one could tell, none of the above are enough to sustain a person on their own merit, so I've relied on my family a lot. Things are changing now.
I've never had an issue of sharing what I have, giving stuff away if I know that it'll make the other person happy or it's far more useful to them than it is to me. From a material things perspective, I could, on one side, say that I myself am not a material person - as in, I do not hoard useless stuff nor do I have a tendency to live beyond my means. However, in order to give, I must first have something myself, which means I have to earn it or make it.

I've drawn pictures and written poems (funny and otherwise) as gifts when I was out of money (even a joke song a couple of times). Money is a useful thing and, to a certain extent, vital in a debt-based economy, but it also does horrible things to people who chase it too much. To take my father as an example, who I don't communicate with, but who I know is a talented guy, yet is wasting away in a rough construction job to pay off a house loan - and he lives alone with his new partner, in a huge two-story building. An absolutely unnecessary waste of resources just to have the right of saying 'I have a house'. It just doesn't make any sense to me. He's not happy, he drinks a bit too much when he's at the house (which is made worse by the fact that the house is in a country he doesn't work in, so he spends minimal time there) and he doesn't have contact with his children because he decided to leave his family behind in search of a better life. Well, I actually hope he feels content - but I cannot help but think the guy must be hurting a lot inside. Which is unfortunate, but it's exactly what stubbornness gets you. And I never want to end up like this.

I could have also probably sucked it up and shut up and suppressed all my actual dreams and gotten an office lawyer job. Which, if you know how law offices work, is, at times, legalised robbery. If someone want to argue with it, you should compare two documents which intend to convey exactly the same message, but are written by two different lawyers - a fixed salary lawyer writes the message in page, an attorney writes it in 6, because he or she is paid by the page. This is more than stupid, it's immoral and a hefty part of why lawyers are considered as leeches - I can totally understand why some people would rather 'take their chances' than consult a lawyer. The bad image is the sole creation of the representatives of the profession and the examples who do not follow that path (but are lawyers, too) usually fall through the cracks of a long-standing stereotype.
So there's not a bone in me that could accept a position where giving help is only driven by how big the returning numbers are.

This post is starting to look like 'I'm a good person, they are bad', but it's not. It's about whether or not a person is willing to compromise one's morals and, if they do, what leads to that. And here is the contradictory part.

While I absolutely loathe what the legal profession represents at times - lying, cheating, deceiving, omitting, being self-absorbed and nasty to 'lesser beings' - I could do and did exactly all of those things for 'one more drink'. It disgusts me, the things I was willing to do for a drink. Everything I believed in and wanted to be or become was out of the window the second my lips touched alcohol. I would borrow money without knowing how I'm going to pay it back exactly, I would lie to my grandparents that 'I needed to buy a legal textbook' and needed some money, I cheated my way out of being accountable for absences from school by playing ill at home and getting a doc's slip, I'd easily play the 'victim' card because everyone was trying to hurt me and bring me down, I cursed and yelled at my mother for never getting a better job (I even did that when I was already a grown-up and could have easily gotten a job myself) because the lack of money was always an issue. I always blamed others for my mishaps as much as possible. I was not a responsible, reliable and honest person. The worst thing alcohol did to me, was to strip me of my integrity. It compromised me.

If a person can see their own mother, who supports them and helps them, cry, with her head in her hands, sobbing 'I don't know how to help you anymore' - as you yourself are coming out of a two-day bender, lying on the couch, your throat still aching from the vomiting, smelling like sh*t and regardless: you still say something other than 'Please forgive me'. I did apologise that day and I stayed sober for maybe a month, because seeing my mother like that rocked me to my core. Then I picked up again. Apparently, witnessing that was not enough to give alcohol up for good. I've always had tremendous respect for this lady, but I was the nastiest scumbag of a son for so many years.

Sobriety not only restores one's own faith in themselves, but it allows those close to you (who have by some miracle remained close to you) to witness the growth. It is something money can't buy.

I know and acknowledge that I'm very early in my sobriety, but I'm starting to deal with the scorched earth I left in my wake when I was drinking. It is ugly and just .. well it's simply baffling how a liquid can corrupt a person to that extent. I'm always my own worst critic, but somehow, for so many years, my eyes refused to look at and see what I was doing to myself and others.

When I look at all of this now, and this is why I teared up seeing some old order confirmation emails - being a sober PhD student who has the possibility to work on interesting legal issues from a position that does not compromise my morals, I can now sustain myself, pay half the bills of the apartment and slowly start repaying my mother and grandparents for their kindness (through, for example, the family dinners I've written about), although one of the greatest joys comes from seeing that they are happy about how I'm doing now, and I actually know that there's a life full of exciting new things ahead of me ... I can't help but cry a little. Tears of joy.

Sometimes, you do climb the mountain of sh*t to pluck the last rose only to realise ... you CAN smell it. And it's starting to smell better every day.

One day at a time

MissPerfumado

I don't really look upon my weakness for drinking and the damage I did as a moral failing. I believe I have a problem with addiction and I am glad I am overcoming it.

As for law offices ... I do know a thing or two about how they work, and they aren't all like that, I can assure you. At least not the ones that want to stay in business! No lawyer today could maintain a good reputation by being driven solely by money. But there is nothing wrong with earning decent money either or for that matter being motivated to some extent by money.

Perhaps I'm just not as black and white as you are about what is moral or immoral. I tend to think in terms of personal values not an outwardly imposed moral standard. I always look at individual circumstances. I rarely answer a question with an absolute yes or no. The answer I find is usually: it depends. (And I might then take 6 pages to explain why!).

Good on you, K, for looking forward and rebuilding. All the best for the scholarship.

kk1k5x

Thanks for the reply. I do have some explaining myself to do, but I think that on the morals part, there might have been some misunderstanding. Or maybe I interpret 'moral failing' differently.

Nevertheless, I don't consider drinking itself a moral failing either. Yet, it is also not a mitigating circumstance when you do something illegal (or just something that deviates from the norm) whilst under the influence. I guess, to best explain my point of view on how alcoholism does make people compromise their morals, is the example of drunk driving. This is not scientific proof, but even reading around on SR, you do come up on topics in which when people describe the progression of their addiction, they sometimes also mention 'I would have never driven drunk, but ...' It's human error, I get that, but it makes no real difference telling that to a judge (at least, it wouldn't where I live).

The following is just my opinion and need not have any bearing on anyone else.
People's morals are something I would never attempt to substantively map or categorise, because they are relative phenomena. There are too many variables here. You can be considered an immoral person in a certain society, and without changing anything, become a moral person in another one.
Imposed standards are definitely something to look out for taking into account my last paragraph. Yet, personal values are, to my mind, a reflection of what we think and feel about the society we reside in. Given that actions derive a value from and in connection with the object of that same action, personal values are a sum of our interactions. And those are strongly affected by what society 'thinks' about certain interactions.

And, of course, everything depends, but in the end we still make a 1 or 0 type binary decision about something specific. Doesn't mean it won't be a different decision next time, but personal musings and thoughts only 'depend' in the abstract, actual decisions are concrete. However, since we never get the full backstory from a single, isolated decision, I (and I think 'we' as well) tend to look for consistency in decision-making to formulate an opinion about something/someone.

As for law offices. I'm absolutely confident they are not all the same, no argument there. A lot of things depend on the legal system one is practising in as a lawyer. In terms of making decent money, that's also relative and state-specific.
Not too long ago, the bar association where I live were arguing with the state over the remuneration lawyers get for providing state funded legal aid. The lawyers wanted 'market value'. Market value (and I'm changing the numbers, but not the proportions) is, say, 200 an hour. They were getting 80/hour. Now, as an isolated case, it would seem the state is paying far less than what a lawyer can ask in the open market. Fine. But then consider this, the minimum wage (and there are a lot of people here who work hard to earn that or slightly above that) is 800 a Month. I'll let everyone think what they will and reach their own conclusions, but my personal position is that asking for something along the lines of what the bar association did (and this also doesn't automatically implicate each and every lawyer), is, given the context and the specific society, immoral. It's not like the ones providing state legal aid are not doing well, so the 'ask' was definitely not out of necessity, but rather due to other influences (greed, perhaps, masked as 'striving for equal pay in the legal industry'). There are other aspects, of course, which have led me to the conclusions and positions I have, but I've blabbered too long already.

Dear god, my posts are so long. I need to cut back.

Take care

kk1k5x

End of Day 30+19.

Even though it's not even 9 pm yet, I'm calling it a day. For the past week or so, I've only managed to write my daily post somewhere after midnight - at times, I wanted to skip it all-together, to be honest.
I've been sleeping better, the kind of sleep where it's sort of like you're knocked out - no picturemovies etc. Just close eyes, everything goes black and quiet, open eyes and it's a new day.

Managed another day with 10k steps, due to another 4 mile walk. It feels great, but I have noticed (and it's only the very beginning for me of course, but) that after that I'm totally tired. As in the exercise makes me feel great, but I don't have the energy after that to sit down behind a desk and start working. Which has caused me to fall behind. But, I'm thoroughly enjoying the brain chemicals the release of which is brought on by physical activity. Yet another re-learning and 'firsts' experience.

Posting is still part of the accountability, but I think I've gone overboard with it and need to pull it back a bit. The intention of writing stuff out is always good, but I guess my fingers can't keep up with the brain at times, so some of the texts are gibberish. Anyways,

One day at a time.

kk1k5x

It's the early morning of Day 30+20 or 50 as people also call it.

Don't know why this came up (again), but I once again realised that my sobriety has not been tested yet. Truly tested. There was nothing too sunny about the situation I started from, but since then everything has been, little by little, more positive.

I also recognise that there are 'two voices' inside my head, one is telling me that I'm doing okay, progressing and the other is a negative one 'why should you get that chance/scholarship/benefit?'. It's been a problem before, feeling like I do not deserve opportunities or chances. Like I'm supposed to fail at some point. This worries me in general and is starting to actually bother me now as well.

kk1k5x

End of Day 30+20.

I was nailed to my bed for most of the day - a gnawing headache, stiff neck and shoulders, some aches in my legs as well ... and back. So not all that comfortable.
In these situations (which there aren't too many), at times, this fleeting thought crosses my mind: "at least drinking was simple - I knew why I was in discomfort". It's almost demoralising to have these 'growing pains'. I know this is from my walks from the past two days, but I guess there's still that snotty child inside the brain with his arms crossed, refusing to accept that sometimes progress is uncomfortable. It's not all flowers and sunshine.

Later in the evening I was determined to get a package I received, so I decided to at least go outside for that. Once I'd taken the package from the machine and been to the ATM as I needed bus money for tomorrow, I felt how cold and crisp it was outside. I'd planned only to make the short trip to the packagemachine and back home, but the air was so refreshing and I just felt like walking some. Had left my earphones at home (which I usually never do) - so I just walked a bit over a mile in the crisp evening air, other than a few people passing by with their dogs, it was totally quiet in the town. It cleared my head.

I actually felt the want and need to walk, even though the rest of the day had been total crap.

One day at a time.

kk1k5x

Today was the day. The alcoholic in me showed it's ugly face.

I've mentioned issues with sleeping and even though I've had it under control lately, this morning I just couldn't bring myself to wake up. When my average sleep time has decreased to about 5 hours a night - today I slept for 11 hours straight. No special occasion. And I missed school, I simply slept through my duty.

I had other errands in the city as well, so I scrambled to get on the first bus possible.

And it hit me - I was concocting a plan similar to what I used when drinking. To flat out lie to people about 'yes, I did something' and just make sure that the timeframe adds up to a credible story.

Once I caught myself in that behaviour, I just told the people that I didn't go to school because I have problems with sleeping. And I just took the chastising 'well, you're going to get in trouble; everything's going to go to s*it' etc, the usual. I confessed and I took it.
I was actually miserable about the fact that I seem to have so little control over this thing. Even more so, given how easily the old behviour patterns reemerged - the first instinct was to LIE. Pointblank. To cover up my own shortcoming. As if lying would somehow mitigate things - it only ever added to my own suffering after I'd experienced failure to act appropriately.
Writing an e-mail to the lecturer was the most difficult thing, because there - I did come up with a story to cover my butt. I don't know whether they actually care about these things or not, I've always, for some reason found it necessary to provide them a story of how something didn't work as it was supposed to. I don't think I'm going to send a second letter - 'I didn't have other obligations today, I just slept in because I've been having problems with my sleep' - looking back at this, it would have actually been a better solution, to tell the truth.
I have a lot of work to do...

tufty13

As I travel my own sober journey, I've developed a few rules that I try and adhere to.

One of them is to "always, always tell the truth"

Lying becomes so habitual, we take it from childhood, right through adolescence and into adulthood without even pausing to consider if this behaviour needs modifying.

As children we lie about everything and anything and it becomes so insidious that by the time we reach adulthood most of the lies we tell are to ourselves about ourselves and we have no idea we are even doing it.

Part of the reason I am still sober is that I catch myself these days; so now I always tell the absolute truth about myself to myself. The absolute truth at all times.

You're doing fantastically well kk1k, I hope you're proud of what you are achieving.

kk1k5x

End of Day 30+21.

Thank, tufty, your reply helped.

The day wasn't pretty at all. I got some work things settled in the evening, but there's still a lot that needs doing. I'm still reeling a bit from how easy it felt to revert back to old habits. It scared me. Seems like many of my reactions to external agitations are accidents waiting to happen, because they are learned behaviours that came as a packaged deal with drinking.

Well, I have xanax and although I'm opposed to these drugs, I'm going to take half a pill and hopefully fall asleep. I know it's not the best thing for sleep (it's meant for anxiety), but I'll take a very low dosage and hope that my otherwise clean bloodstream will allow the reaction to be swift, effective and shift the sleeping back to where it needs to be.

One day at a time. Good night.

Dee74

It took me a long time to change myself - just not drinking was only the first step. I had 40 years of living and 20 of drinking to undo.

I think we have to be patient with these things - as long as you're not drinking, or drugging you can always keep moving forward

keeppushing

You're full of amazing energy. Quite the inspiration.

kk1k5x

End of Day 30+23.

Thank you, keeppushing for the kind words. I wish there was a direct line from that message to my brain, limbs, muscles and the levers controlling my general disposition.

The pill didn't really work. I fell asleep at 5 am and woke up at 3 pm, which is obviously not normal. I don't mind the duration of sleep, but it being a 'part of my day'. I'll call my doctor on Monday and have her prescribe the real medication, not going to mess around with xanax, because it didn't work so I have no business 'trying again' with a substance that's basically dangerous and you can easily build up a tolerance.

The rest of the day was spent learning (revising) programming in Python and learning French. I've got loads to do tomorrow, so I'm gonna keep this short and then take all of the technology out of my room. See if that helps with the sleep.

Au revoir et à demain!

One day at a time.

kk1k5x

End of Day 30+23.

It was a day that started a bit too late again. That's become so common now, I don't even know why I mention it. Later on, I studied French for 2-3 hours and then I felt a strong need to go walking.
I ate chips, dip and chocolate last night, so I didn't particularly 'shame' myself into exercising today, but I wanted balance.
Have to admit, I don't know how long the endorphins last, but a couple of hours after I had come back from my *cue trumpets* 10092 step or 7.4 km walk that lasted 90 minutes, I was ... high? Well, I wasn't 'high' high, but I was calm, content and super comfortable for apparently no reason. For me, 'apparently no reason' translates as 'no external substance was ingested to generate this feeling'. The brain itself did the job exceptionally well.
Then I had a good meal and did some programming (a small deadline). And tomorrow, I'm going to school.

And guess what, guys - it's a bit past 11 pm and I am ... sleepy. I'll try and cash in on that now.

One day at a time.

Tang

All I know is I drank through my masters program and almost failed out more than once. If you are an anxious person like me, it only increases the anxiety.

You must be pretty amazing getting into a PhD program. Give yourself a break.

kk1k5x

End of Day 30+24.

Thanks, Tang. But today wasn't really about giving anyone breaks.

I went to school and there's a whole story about why it was weird for me to go there, it's about a specific person. Once again, it was me and a bunch of women. It's always me and a bunch of women and I'm not the one to start talking to a bunch of women.
When I'd been there for a couple of hours, suddenly I felt ... 'I don't want to be here, I want to get out of here, go to the park with a 6-pack, then it'll be better for sure'. It wasn't actually a craving, it was a manifestation of learned behavior more than anything else. Of course I trashed the booze idea, but then something surprising happened. My brain went 'I want to get out of here, I just want you to pack your stuff, take the earlier train, go home, put on your sweats and go walk for an hour.' Which (not taking into account that I missed the train by just a hair, had to wait for a bus instead) I did. I walked for 80 minutes to clear my head from all the crap that only 4 hours of being in that place (I call it school, but it's actually more of an open office space, where me, other phd students and employees of the programme I'm in, sit.)

You know that feeling when .. you like someone and you seem to have a connection against all expectations (on your part), you're a week away from the first date (you could have already gone out, but at the time the person asked, you were in another town) and then you also realise that you're a raging alcoholic and that alcoholics drink a lot and at one point in time you make a lude comment towards the person, totally crossing every line, because you've been drinking for two days and, indulging in your own idiocy, you find that lude and rude comment to be a compliment/joke and when called out on it, don't react with an apology, but say something along the lines of 'What are you referring to specifically?', fast forward 4 months, that someone you liked gets a well-earned promotion and due to certain circumstances, is basically your boss? That's the feeling I had to 'walk off' today. I felt like a f**ing idiot today.

Oh and I'm super tired. I got 20k steps today. 10k from my going to school and the head-clearing walk added another 10k. I walked 14.5 km today. My legs are tired, but my brain has been reset. When I got home, after taking a shower, I sat down and listened to my brain. It told me 'I'd like to walk some more'. Obviously, my body cannot take it and I will not go overboard with it, i.e. do harm instead of good. But it's a notion I haven't felt in 10 years - my brain wanting something my body cannot deliver and that something isn't BOOZE, but something healthy. My brain wanting more (than I can deliver at a given point in time) is the key to either my success or demise, I'd rather it be my success, I've had enough of the demise. Last time I felt this feeling (before I started drinking), my life transformed into something that was positive beyond what I believed was possible.

This is what I leave you with. Good night.

One day at a time.

tufty13

Sober time, tick - great.
Steps and km's, tick - great.
Bla, bla, bla, tick - great.

It's all great but what the hell is the bit in the middle about? Come on kkik, you have to expand. I burst out laughing when I read that without exactly understanding the thread entirely.

Did that really happen? :-)

kk1k5x

Yup. The 'boss' of the programme was the person I made a lude comment to (probably about her butt) when I was drunk for a second day in a row. It heated up, we didn't talk, then I made some weird-a*s apology (via text, no less) and it was really weird even months after that. Then I find out she's been promoted. Then I find out she's my contact at the programme. Then I go to see where my table is at in the office. Then I feel like an idiot. I'm pretty sure the lady in question is back with her long-time bf anyways. So no real reason for me to ponder about it any longer. It's just another lesson in 'Why I should never ever consume alcohol'.

And you know. I miss having someone I can share my thoughts with, someone who cares about me, likes my jokes and motivates me. She seemed to do that for a very short period of time. Now there's a void again. Thanks for nothing, booze.

I'm also well aware of the fact that, in all honesty and all things considered, it wouldn't have worked out anyways (but I'd like to think it could have), because I had no intention of leaving the drink behind at the time. And I have a lot of work and growing to do, before I can consider being a reliable companion to someone.

tufty13

It's funny.

It's sad.

It's life.

I'm committed to a life of self work and growth. I've realised its one of the things that I actually get pleasure from now I'm sober. Of course it's a safety net to avoid relapse too.

The point I was going to make was I don't think self growth and relationships are mutually exclusive.

I love the idea of actually growing with someone. Doing it together and fostering greater emotional intimacy. That's very important to me.

kk1k5x

End of Day 30+25.

It's the middle of the night. Just came to say I'm sober.

One day at a time.