My Own Worst Enemy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 76
My Own Worst Enemy
So. I'm on Day 9 (yay!), and I think a big difference this time around is I've been doing some serious introspection (vs. white-knuckled abstinence). I switch between being really proud of myself -- elated almost -- to really sad and depressed.
I'm depressed -- angry actually-- because I feel like I wasted SO MUCH of my time and my abilities. I can't get that back or reverse the damage I've done to myself and others.
I won't go back to the way I was before. I refuse to. But I'm not sure how to right the wrongs... How do you live with yourself? I caused all my own problems for over a decade. This reality crushes me.
Like I said -- I won't go back. But there are things that cannot be undone. I will live with that pain forever, and sometimes I just don't know how.
But on the bright side, tomorrow my days sober will be in the double digits!
I'm depressed -- angry actually-- because I feel like I wasted SO MUCH of my time and my abilities. I can't get that back or reverse the damage I've done to myself and others.
I won't go back to the way I was before. I refuse to. But I'm not sure how to right the wrongs... How do you live with yourself? I caused all my own problems for over a decade. This reality crushes me.
Like I said -- I won't go back. But there are things that cannot be undone. I will live with that pain forever, and sometimes I just don't know how.
But on the bright side, tomorrow my days sober will be in the double digits!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Staying sober and working some kind of a program
in time helps us to recover from the wreckage of our past.
Most of us drunks have or had plenty of wreckage.
Stay sober and let the healing begin.
Be in no hurry for it's a lifetime experience.
Enjoy and be very grateful for each and every sober day.
M-Bob
in time helps us to recover from the wreckage of our past.
Most of us drunks have or had plenty of wreckage.
Stay sober and let the healing begin.
Be in no hurry for it's a lifetime experience.
Enjoy and be very grateful for each and every sober day.
M-Bob
I could see peace instead of this
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Canada, eh
Posts: 2,360
While 9 days is great, I find that as long as I've kept moving forward along a better path, I've learned to forgive myself.
I thought I drank so much because I hated myself, but after I stopped, I realized I hated myself because I drank so much and did things I felt bad about. The self-hatred began to go away when I stopped drinking and doing those things.
For me, though, AA's inventory steps helped me to see that I wasn't such an awful person after all. I found that along with things about myself that needed correcting, there was also stuff in there that was already good. I could also begin to forgive myself more easily when I made amends where I could.
I thought I drank so much because I hated myself, but after I stopped, I realized I hated myself because I drank so much and did things I felt bad about. The self-hatred began to go away when I stopped drinking and doing those things.
For me, though, AA's inventory steps helped me to see that I wasn't such an awful person after all. I found that along with things about myself that needed correcting, there was also stuff in there that was already good. I could also begin to forgive myself more easily when I made amends where I could.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 350
Hey kgr,
What you are feeling. I'm betting most of us here experience/ed the exact same.
I'm nearly 3 months and still working on it. It is painful, but it also means that you've removed the numbing blanket you were under and your heart is feeling, responding. It is open and vulnerable finally. They say we can't feel the joy without the pain. And there IS much you can do to change things - especially for your future. It's all we have now.
I'd also like to thank you. Your post reminded me of my favorite Buddhist sites where I used to go to contemplate the nature of pain and anger and how we can make healing happen by accepting them rather than hating our human natures for them. Care to check some out?
What you are feeling. I'm betting most of us here experience/ed the exact same.
I'm nearly 3 months and still working on it. It is painful, but it also means that you've removed the numbing blanket you were under and your heart is feeling, responding. It is open and vulnerable finally. They say we can't feel the joy without the pain. And there IS much you can do to change things - especially for your future. It's all we have now.
I'd also like to thank you. Your post reminded me of my favorite Buddhist sites where I used to go to contemplate the nature of pain and anger and how we can make healing happen by accepting them rather than hating our human natures for them. Care to check some out?
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