My boyfriends pulled away from me
 

My boyfriend is still deciding whether to keep the relationship going between us until he sees if I can give up alcohol. I'm really upset and in tears as I'm only on day 4. I know it should be giving me more incentive but I just feel like saying **** you then and continuing on drinking. I was sober when I met him and it was him who started me again by wanting to socially drink with me. Its taken him this long to realise I'm an alcoholic. He is making it even harder to give up because I am so upset over him thinking of ending it. I know this happens to lots of drinkers but any ideas beyond just don't drink again would be great.

HI Sweetichick - I know it's hard but I really think you need to focus on you right now.

Stay sober because it's what you want, not what your bf wants.

There must be other reasons why you want to get sober?

D

Ideas beyond don't drink? Go to AA and work the steps. I learned through that process that my sobriety did not depend on other people, relationships, or job or any external circumstance.

I had some hair raiseng moments in the first few weeks in the relationship department and learned some painful lessons, but I did not need to drink.

I heard somewhere something along the lines that drinking at someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

One thing I do know as fact, I trusted the process, put my all into it, and ended up with relationships and every other aspect of life much better than anything I could have imagined.

I won't tell you not to drink, I don't know if you have the power to do that. I can suggest if you get along to AA, you may find the Power like I did.

Sweetchick,
The only thing you can control is you. I hope that is who you want to stay sober for. I have finally came to that realization. I came to sober recovery to save a relationship awhile ago. That relationship is over, now I'm hear to save me.
Don't let anyone else sway you .

Im sick and tired of being sick and tired. My body just doesn't handle alcohol well now and my liver is in bad shape. That's a great idea Dee I'll focus on my own reasons.

Welcome Sweetichick. This is a great place. I am going on a couple of weeks of sobriety in a large part thanks to this website. I knew I had a problem drinking, but had not convinced MYSELF how serious it was until I came here and started reading around.

It gave me a reality check and what it did for me was convince me that I WANTED to quit not only because of the bad things alcohol was doing, but for the hope to feel better as many of the people do here who have been sober a length of time. I look forward to becoming ME again.

Maybe read around and see what it inspires in you.

Hi Sweetchick,

Lots of good advice above, the most important being you need to do this for you. I know how difficult the first few days/weeks are, but it really does get easier. Spend time here reading and posting, and make plans to spend your sober time doing something you enjoy: walking, reading, crafts, cooking, meditation...

You can do this!!

❤️ Delilah

Good job Sweetchick

You have to do it for yourself, Sweeti...still though, sometimes it takes an outside "kick in the pants" from someone you care about to jolt you enough to get out of a rut. If you value your relationship with him then just lay your cards on the table. Tell him you're doing your best- then actually do your best! Show him every day that you're trying to make the changes you need for the kind of life you want to live.:grouphug:

SC,

Can't add much to what people said already. Generally what I have found is that the best way to bring the right things and the right people into my life is being the best me I possibly can.

You are doing that by sobering up, I promise things will start falling into place very soon.

P

Ahh yes. My AV tried to pull the "drink at him" trick as well.

It's worth avoiding building a resentment against your boyfriend at the moment. Sure, what he's saying and doing by distancing himself a but is hurtful to you. But, as time goes on you'll understand more and more why he's behaving this way. He is hurt and scared as well. By your alcoholic thinking and behaviour. It's bewildering to a normie. Maybe read around a bit on the friends and family area if you would like some more insight into how our drinking affects those close to us.

Besides, getting mad at him won't help the quality of your sobriety at all. It'll just make you miserable and it harder to stay sober.

What are you willing to do to stop this cycle of sick and tired? Nothing is going to change til you make some changes. And just removing alcohol and expecting everything else to fall into place doesn't really work for most people.

It turns out there was more to it than just my drinking and I have to make a lot of changes to keep him. I've already tried so hard already and don't know if I can do anymore. He's given me 6 weeks but wants to see big improvements in a week. I think he's partially ending it already. I'm very upset and confused but I feel better now its all out in the open. Thanks for all your nice replies.

Hi SC, I think there's two things you need to consider there:

1- regardless of how much you want to be with your boyfriend and of what terms he has set to you, the way you go on about sobering up has to be the one that works the best for you to get and stay sober for years, not in 1 or 6 weeks only. You need to do this for you and for you only, people around you will benefit accordingly.

2- as cheesy as it sounds, if you work on yourself and this relationship is meant to be, then at some point it will. If your idea of where you want to be in 6 weeks is different to his, but in 6 months you get to an awesome place which is better than he expected because you recovered at your own pace, who is to say he will not want to be with you again then?

Stay strong with your recovery, day 2 is a great achievement, let your body detox and then see who do you want to be and build a plan to get there.

We're here to help you all along and there's plenty of other sources out there.

You can do this.

P

Forgive me if I'm speaking out of turn, but this guy reeks of 'control'.
I don't know how long you've been together, but he does seem to making a drama out of a crisis here. Look after your own interests. Don't settle for less than you deserve x

Agreed. This situation reeks.

No one deserves ultimatums and deadlines when trying to correct their path.

Tell him to pound sand.

Don't drink.

Seconded Zanna. The first few days are by far the toughest, and the last thing you need is added pressure and ultimatums being thrown your way. You're doing great so far, especially when he's literally making it more difficult on you. I do agree that it's something that needs to be done for you and you alone. I found out the hard way that the people you sometimes desperately want to step up and help and support more than anyone else in your life just.... can't, sometimes. But it makes you stronger knowing you did it by yourself, you did it for you, and it's pretty amazing. Good luck, you got this girl!

Thanks for the advice guys. I was wondering myself if he was making an ultimatum which I didn't know if it was worth even trying for. I need to find my own path to staying sober and I don't think that means jumping through his hoops. I actually feel less like drinking now he seems to want to end it. I think I'll follow my gut instinct and just let him go.

Sweeti - Yes indeed............You must do this on YOUR own terms. I can already see in this thread that you have support. Your attitude has already changed. The strength AND confidence you get from sober on your own terms is amazing!

Good morning sweeti and welcome to SR!

From reading all of the posts, it seems there might be some information that we might not have and/or he might be reacting with this hardline 'ultimatum' for reasons that we dont know ( you havent maybe shared all of the peices of what his concerns are?).
Anyway, I know within the world of family support groups ( Alanon, Naranon etc etc) the concept of ' tough love' is strongly suggested to loved ones as a way of 'raising our bottom' helping us to face 'consequences' etc etc. It can come across as unloving or controlling when it is actually meant to allow our loved ones a way of taking care of self or setting boundaries.
Now I dont know if that has been advocated as an approach for your boyfriend, as I said there seems to be alot of peices of this puzzle missing for me. Regardless, keep doing YOU and your sobriety. That way, regardless of the direction this all goes, you'll be better equipped to deal with the outcome.
Coping with the loss of a relationship when we are in the bottle is always just a complete mess, never a pretty picture.
Keep coming back and sharing with us!
Be blessed.

Love, encourages, supports, rewards. Just saying.