cwood3

I agree with everybody, but here's another thought...and just a thought. This guy's "ultimatum" results in sweetichik becoming sober. Sweetichik's goal and plan is to...............become sober. WHEN sweetichik becomes sober, he may think it was due to him, but sweetichik will know it was because of her. When this all comes about, which I know it will and sweetichik knows it will..it will kind of be like a win-win situation.

Give it up to your higher power and this is all going to work out.

tomsteve

the day after my last drunk my (by then ex, but i hadnt been informed yet) fiance told me some of the things i did and said while inna blackout,then booted me to the curb.
i was devastated. terror, bewilderment,frustration,dispair and disgust- the best was i can describe how i felt.
but thats what it took for me to finally admit alcohol was the common denominator in all of my problems and thats when i decided to seek help.
and i walked into aa, got a bb, started working the program.
it may sound weird, but that last drunk and her tossing me to the curb was a gift.

sweetichick

Thanks guys for the replies. Sorry for the missing pieces of the puzzle but his plans were basically for the house to be spotless and me lose about 10 kilos in 4 weeks and to change my clothes. Nothing to help me actually stay sober like going to AA or counselling. He thinks he can completely change me into someone I'm not. I didn't really want to go into it because it all seemed like just more of his shift which I've been listening to for ages. I feel a lot happier already deciding not to be controlled anymore.

trachemys

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/.../icon_rofl.gif

Nowsthetime

I don't like him! This is unacceptable in a loving relationship. Telling you you HAVE to lose weight and change your clothes... Really? 10 kilos in 4 weeks? What?!?!

It will be hard to lose him but look at the big picture. Do you want to be with a man who gives you ultimatums and tell you the above? No! You need a partner that supports you not criticizes you looks like that.

I'm just posting from what I read so he might be great, but it doesn't sound like he is into supporting your sobriety.

Focus on you. This is an important time in your life when you are growing personally. Many here have had to drop relationships to get well. It really makes me mad that he told you to change your clothes... How about he changes his personality!

I was also one of the ones that drank at people. Please recognize that this is your AV trying to get to you and don't let it. How are you gonna feel if you drink? What is it going to accomplish? You did well coming here and posting first, now use all the tools you have learned here to keep going.

We are here to support you Sweet!

jodc

Hi Sweetiechick,

I've been here at SR less than a week.
I like how often I see the words: " You can do this!" or" You've got this!" - makes me feel stronger.
I'm learning so much reading about other's experiences; thank you for sharing.
In support of you and your successes, I wish you all the best.
Keep up the good work!

sweetichick

Thanks Now, No I don't think he's supportive of me getting sober. Sorry if I made you mad, he has the same effect on me, it will be hard breaking up but I'll just tell him tomorrow that I can't do what he wants and that should be the end of it. I worked out the hours I spend with him I can just spend at an AA meeting every day.

sweetichick

Thanks jodc, it's good to know I helped someone by my telling my tale. Keep up the good work.

Jsbodhi

Omg!! He makes me mad too!
It almost seemed like he used this opportunity to finally say what he really wants and make you into what he wants
while you're feeling low, he took your weak spot with the drinking as his chance to really take control.
Imagine how awesome you'll feel if you're sober, happy and healthy without him!

Zanna

Sweetichick, if you are in a position to, give yourself a few booze-free months and then travel! You've been blessed with an Aussie accent and trust me, men will be queuing up to date you In the UK, people even fancy Peter Andre (and it can't be for his looks or personality)

MrPL

That's the spirit sweetichick! Nobody messes with the A-team!

P

August252015

A few things here. I agree with what I bolded, above, big time. But let's put aside the issues of him trying to control you, dictate what you look like- essentially, remake you over in his image (and, ahem, that is not an image of God).

To the point that if you get sober, "he will think it is for him, but [she] will know it is for her." This is BAD thinking. Why? Because if he leaves, the AV will just be waiting to say things like "you didn't really do it for you, it was for him, and now he's gone, so WTH let's go drink." You cannot tie your sobriety to him, whether by direct statement or indirect "credit" in your own head. And you can't control his so I don't think that "letting him take credit" is necessarily what would happen.

Also. Here's a BIG one for me, and I believe for anyone wanting to have a healthy life, and by extension, healthy relationships. Be a person YOU would want to be with. Think about that- become the kind of person another good person deserves. When I was sick, if I am honest with myself, I attracted people less than my real, healthy (NOW) self deserved- because I was less than a real, healthy person. None of us are perfect, but when we are our best selves, we attract people who are trying to be their best selves too. This may mean letting go of someone who just isn't one, or waiting (possibly for what seems like forrrrever) for this higher kind of person.

Bottom line, what everyone is saying is right: do this for you. The enormous benefit of that and of working to live a recovered life, is all the good "stuff" it brings into your life - you don't fight for these things, you learn and begin to intuitively seek them, recognize them and keep them. This definitely includes people.

Good luck.

nmd

Hi sweetichick,

You posted on one of your other threads (giving up on giving up) that your boyfriend is very abusive. The controlling behavior you've describe just reinforces that. It really sounds like a scary situation? I appologize if you said so, but do you live together? Distance from this guy really sounds best

I'm just reiterate everyone else, put yourself first. Get sober for you and don't let anyone take being happy away from you. I think sometimes we look to relationships to make us happy just like we do alcohol, but it doesn't work like that, especially with an abusive person. Please take care of yourself

sweetichick

Hey Zanna,
I can't imagine guys queing up to meet me but then I never thought I would meet this guy or my ex before. Nmd, you are right he has been abusive and doesn't live with me. I never let him actually move in because I didn't think he was right for me. Tomorrow I can even just lock the door and not answer him when he shows up. Too easy.

sweetichick

Thanks for your message August about everything. You've given me a lot to think about.

Michelle644

Welcome Sweetichick. You are doing the right thing. Keep reading and posting here.

Berrybean

Yes. But then they also need to love and support themselves. Lots of active alcoholic behaviour is not loving. He's entitled to feel safe and love. A big part of my recovery was realising the impact I was having on others and accepting that their needs were equally important to my own. A lot of partners put up with an awful lot before they insist on bounderies that will ensure that their own lives are chaos free. If we choose to sink into the mire they shouldn't be expected to sink with us.

Zanna

Sounds like you've been downtrodden a lot longer than this guy babe. Believe in yourself - sometimes life aint fair - if life was fair, George Michael would be straight and living next door to me
I was born in Ireland, and we have a saying for people like your bf - we call hem Gobshxtes. Free youself from abuse
PS ROCK that accent

uncorked

Not sure what his other "ultimatums" are but he sounds pretty controlling. He kinda reminds me of my soon to be ex husband....always had "issues" with me and wanted me to do things his way but didn't give a crap when I had issues with him. Also, it's been proven that the "tough love" approach isn't all that effective. It's antiquated. You need to do this for YOU, not for your boyfriend. And the longer you are sober, the more confidence and self-respect you will have -- and this challenges relationships. When you're the alcoholic, your partner never has to look at his own wrongdoings; everything is your fault.

sweetichick

Thanks Uncorked for your message. Well its officially over between us. He arrived 3 hours late to see me yesterday and didn't stay long. I brought up his ultimatum and he seemed to have forgotten about it, so we just ended it. It wasn't working out due to his controlling nature. Its been nearly 2 years and I'd tried to end it a number of times but he'd always talked me out of it. Now I just need to find something to do to fill in all the free time I've got. I've got no reason to drink except for the breakup pain inside. Still a bit teary over it all and need to find more reasons to stay sober.