Again really?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Somewhere else
Posts: 395
Again really?
Am I ever going to get this? I'm so embarrassed to be back here again after another relapse. I have 4 days and I feel like I may just be hopeless after all. I can't make it stick. I tried to commit suicide this time and I am not sure what I am fighting for anymore. I am in AA and I love the community, but they are probably tired of me too. I have a counselor, I have antabuse ( need to start taking it again), I have my family and now a job for a bit and what do I do? Get a public intoxication! I am so lost.....
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Southern Oregon U.S.
Posts: 1,023
There's alway hope Charliee. I'm still one drink away from trouble it's just easier to avoid that drink cuz I have some sober time. I remember you had a nice chunk of time but didn't quite get over the hump. Get back at it, there's always hope. Be kind to yourself and don't hurt yourself please.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Hello Charlie.
I didn't want to get sober during my relapse, no matter how bad things got, no matter how much of the good in me I destroyed. I had to stop drinking or I was going to die. I couldn't even perform basic functions and wasn't able to care for myself.
I struggled with day-long cravings for at least my first year. During that time, I got as much treatment as I could bear, because I knew I couldn't get sober on my own. Detox, rehab, IOP, one year of outpatient treatment, AA and all that comes with it, individual alcohol counseling, therapy, and...I know I'm leaving something out. But you get my point.
What does this have to do with your OP? I followed my instincts and the suggestions of people I came to trust while getting sober, and so I nurtured the support I'd both accepted and created because support isn't something that is only meaningful when we're in crisis. Our wounds, our shared suffering...these are the things that bring us together and that also bring us to a better place, but only after we give up the conviction that suffering is something alien, something that comes from outside of me, and something that only happens to other people. What I learned from getting sober is that suffering is what happens to me. I needed a support system not just to get sober, but to live a life that has meaning and purpose for me.
You've demonstrated that coming here only when you feel that you're on the verge of drinking or after drinking doesn't work for you. You need to do something different.
And lose the "hopeless" label while you're at it. Everyone on the planet knows what will happen if that's how you decide to see yourself. I'm not going to be a gifted painter, a talented writer or a person rich in self-confidence by virtue of framing myself in those ways, but negative convictions about myself have a way of not only influencing my thinking and behavior, but of shaping the person I'm on the way to becoming. As adults -- and only when we put in the work -- we learn to take care of ourselves, but never before we learn to value our own lives, our own existence. It's time you start.
Find something you love to do or think you'd love to do. And then do it. And, as the saying goes, if you can find someone who'll pay you for doing something that you love doing, then you'll never work a day in your life. Butchya gotta put down the drink first, and for good.
I didn't want to get sober during my relapse, no matter how bad things got, no matter how much of the good in me I destroyed. I had to stop drinking or I was going to die. I couldn't even perform basic functions and wasn't able to care for myself.
I struggled with day-long cravings for at least my first year. During that time, I got as much treatment as I could bear, because I knew I couldn't get sober on my own. Detox, rehab, IOP, one year of outpatient treatment, AA and all that comes with it, individual alcohol counseling, therapy, and...I know I'm leaving something out. But you get my point.
What does this have to do with your OP? I followed my instincts and the suggestions of people I came to trust while getting sober, and so I nurtured the support I'd both accepted and created because support isn't something that is only meaningful when we're in crisis. Our wounds, our shared suffering...these are the things that bring us together and that also bring us to a better place, but only after we give up the conviction that suffering is something alien, something that comes from outside of me, and something that only happens to other people. What I learned from getting sober is that suffering is what happens to me. I needed a support system not just to get sober, but to live a life that has meaning and purpose for me.
You've demonstrated that coming here only when you feel that you're on the verge of drinking or after drinking doesn't work for you. You need to do something different.
And lose the "hopeless" label while you're at it. Everyone on the planet knows what will happen if that's how you decide to see yourself. I'm not going to be a gifted painter, a talented writer or a person rich in self-confidence by virtue of framing myself in those ways, but negative convictions about myself have a way of not only influencing my thinking and behavior, but of shaping the person I'm on the way to becoming. As adults -- and only when we put in the work -- we learn to take care of ourselves, but never before we learn to value our own lives, our own existence. It's time you start.
Find something you love to do or think you'd love to do. And then do it. And, as the saying goes, if you can find someone who'll pay you for doing something that you love doing, then you'll never work a day in your life. Butchya gotta put down the drink first, and for good.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: middle of nowhere
Posts: 2,849
Originally Posted by Charliee 
Am I ever going to get this? I'm so embarrassed to be back here again after another relapse. I have 4 days and I feel like I may just be hopeless after all. I can't make it stick. I tried to commit suicide this time and I am not sure what I am fighting for anymore. I am in AA and I love the community, but they are probably tired of me too. I have a counselor, I have antabuse ( need to start taking it again), I have my family and now a job for a bit and what do I do? Get a public intoxication! I am so lost.....
Talked, thunk, drank, AA'd, therapied, drank some more, taper, detox wait list, taper, drunk, home detox, taper, home detox. Talked. Therapied. Drew the line in the sand. Put myself on the other side of drinking. Made plans. Recommit daily.
I want to be alive more than I want to drink. I am LUCKY to be alive and so are you. We can do this. We keep coming back for a reason. Relapse can be put behind you now.
You are not hopeless. Keep searching for the path that will get you there. Have you thought of inpatient? Right now is the time we take drinking completely off the table and lay ALL your sober tools out and pick them up and have a good look at each and every one of them. Figure out how they work, find out what works for you.
You are not alone.
You are not hopeless.
You just haven't found your way yet... and you weren't quite ready to fully commit.
We are all here for a reason, we all come here for a reason, and as long as you stick around, keep coming back, try, decide, act, there is ALWAYS hope.
PLEASE hug yourself and love yourself.
we are so very good at hurting ourselves because we don't know how to love ourselves properly. Reach out as often and as many different ways as possible and keep faith you CAN do it. We're here for you.
Love,
Del
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Derbyshire Dales, UK.
Posts: 2,618
Hi Charliee - don't ever be embarrassed to be here! We are the lucky ones, who have recognised and faced up to our addictions. We are the ones who don't mind admitting we're not 'perfect' and are strong enough to try and do something about it.
I posted yesterday about my ex - he posted videos of himself,, paralytic to the point, he made a YouTube video and didn't even have 'reality' to put his teeth in for it! He is one of the unlucky ones - he won't face up to his addiction and do anything about it.
No-one said it would be easy to do what we're doing on here and it's like driving, how many 'get it' the first time?
You're here and you're posting - the rest will come, if you let it
I posted yesterday about my ex - he posted videos of himself,, paralytic to the point, he made a YouTube video and didn't even have 'reality' to put his teeth in for it! He is one of the unlucky ones - he won't face up to his addiction and do anything about it.
No-one said it would be easy to do what we're doing on here and it's like driving, how many 'get it' the first time?
You're here and you're posting - the rest will come, if you let it
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 1,518
Hi Charliee , it's good that you are posting and recognise your problem drinking as opposed to just saying ^^^^ it , you DO want to be sober/recovered and that is the main thing and you WILL , the seed is plated . I agree with Dee that you might need some extra support face to face . AA don't get tired of people so keep going .
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 387
Charliee, I just wanted to add my voice to the chorus: You are not hopeless, ever. You attend AA, you have a counselor, a family and a job. You aren't even helpless. Not by a long shot.
Keep Pushing (that's my screen name and my advice)
Keep Pushing (that's my screen name and my advice)
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
There are many things in life I use to
take for granted. People, places or
things that I would fight and could or
would never accept the way they
were meant to be at that moment.
I had to learn, had to be taught lessons
in a recovery program to help me get
passed many of these tough life lessons.
Opening my ears in recovery, to truly
listen deeply to these messages and
lesson has helped me learn that I can
not take anything in life for granted.
My recovery just like many who have
learned themselves how to successfully
live a life sober, know that remaining sober
or clean takes work on a daily bases.
Every single day, not looking back on
yesterday and not going into the future,
but to stay in today to do whatever I
need to do to achieve staying sober.
If I don't remain sober then I wouldn't
have anything else. No family, no job,
no retirement, no nothing because
alcohol would, could and almost took
my life as well some 26 yrs ago.
For me, I thank God for my family for
placing me into the hands of those capable
of teaching me about my addiction and
giving me the gift of a recovery program
to incorporate in all areas of my life.
A guideline or map so to speak to help
me follow along on my lifes journey. I
use to get off track at times, burn my
fingers so to speak on hot stoves, because
I refused to do what has been taught
to me and wanting to do things my own
selfish, self seeking, self absorbed way.
It eventually came down to me getting
sick and tired of failing, not following thru
till I completely surrendered to it and
place my life into the those including
my Higher Power, God of my understanding
to help me, care for me, teach me.
Its okay to ask for help and many
will help us as long as we have that
willingness, openmindedness and
honesty to follow direction and
suggestions. I had to get rid of the
arrogance, and chips on my shoulders
in order to become and remain
teachable.
I looked to those members who've paved
the way for me to live a sober life because
they themselves have become successful
in their recovery themselves.
I wanted to have and experience those
awesome promises granted or provided
to us just as they have and would do whatever
they did in their recovery life to get it.
My recovery life is a journey in life
and if I don't continue maintenance
on it on a daily bases then I would
surely loose all of it in a blink of an eye.
So I don't take all that I have today,
non of it for granted. It is a gift worth
protecting and will hold on to it as
tightly as I can respecting it, accepting
it, treasuring it because it is a gift to
myself that I am truly blessed for it.
This is your recovery, your life, your
gift, your journey and no one will respect
it more than yourself.
take for granted. People, places or
things that I would fight and could or
would never accept the way they
were meant to be at that moment.
I had to learn, had to be taught lessons
in a recovery program to help me get
passed many of these tough life lessons.
Opening my ears in recovery, to truly
listen deeply to these messages and
lesson has helped me learn that I can
not take anything in life for granted.
My recovery just like many who have
learned themselves how to successfully
live a life sober, know that remaining sober
or clean takes work on a daily bases.
Every single day, not looking back on
yesterday and not going into the future,
but to stay in today to do whatever I
need to do to achieve staying sober.
If I don't remain sober then I wouldn't
have anything else. No family, no job,
no retirement, no nothing because
alcohol would, could and almost took
my life as well some 26 yrs ago.
For me, I thank God for my family for
placing me into the hands of those capable
of teaching me about my addiction and
giving me the gift of a recovery program
to incorporate in all areas of my life.
A guideline or map so to speak to help
me follow along on my lifes journey. I
use to get off track at times, burn my
fingers so to speak on hot stoves, because
I refused to do what has been taught
to me and wanting to do things my own
selfish, self seeking, self absorbed way.
It eventually came down to me getting
sick and tired of failing, not following thru
till I completely surrendered to it and
place my life into the those including
my Higher Power, God of my understanding
to help me, care for me, teach me.
Its okay to ask for help and many
will help us as long as we have that
willingness, openmindedness and
honesty to follow direction and
suggestions. I had to get rid of the
arrogance, and chips on my shoulders
in order to become and remain
teachable.
I looked to those members who've paved
the way for me to live a sober life because
they themselves have become successful
in their recovery themselves.
I wanted to have and experience those
awesome promises granted or provided
to us just as they have and would do whatever
they did in their recovery life to get it.
My recovery life is a journey in life
and if I don't continue maintenance
on it on a daily bases then I would
surely loose all of it in a blink of an eye.
So I don't take all that I have today,
non of it for granted. It is a gift worth
protecting and will hold on to it as
tightly as I can respecting it, accepting
it, treasuring it because it is a gift to
myself that I am truly blessed for it.
This is your recovery, your life, your
gift, your journey and no one will respect
it more than yourself.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,510
Charliee, it's good to see you back, and you must always have hope that you can do this. Maybe you could add things to your routine/plan to help support your recovery. Balance became very important to me so I try to do something to help my physical, spiritual and mental health every day.
Marchia in Aeternum
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 11,094
Originally Posted by Charliee
Am I ever going to get this? I'm so embarrassed to be back here again after another relapse. I have 4 days and I feel like I may just be hopeless after all. I can't make it stick. I tried to commit suicide this time and I am not sure what I am fighting for anymore. I am in AA and I love the community, but they are probably tired of me too. I have a counselor, I have antabuse ( need to start taking it again), I have my family and now a job for a bit and what do I do? Get a public intoxication! I am so lost.....
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
I have three years today. I relapsed for years prior to that. This site was invaluable to me in the beginning, and I would check in several times a day. I also read some great books about addiction, and the role of the ego (AV) in setting us up for failure. I also saw a therapist, and went to AA meetings. That was the order of importance - SR, therapist, AA. And books.. it really helps to understand what's going on, why we drink. Learn to identify our feelings, become aware of that little voice and ignore it.
You can totally do this Charliee.
You can totally do this Charliee.
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