Underwhelming is the new black
Catch 22
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: South Africa
Posts: 327
Underwhelming is the new black
For us alcoholics instant gratification was the name of game. Fun was always ever only a glass away.
Recovery on the other hand, especially in the early months feels like an elusive phantom. Old timers tell us how great the sober life is. We want to believe this, but reality is somewhat different.
Personally, I guess I expected a WOW moment. Waking up one day and feeling 15 again. I expected robust good health, a deep and comprehensive understanding of life, the universe and everything, an all encompassing love for humanity and a happiness halo as permanent fixture.
It is day 98 now and....guess what....no "pink cloud". ( what is a pink cloud anyway?) My life is pretty much the same as before. Socialising is more tedious but on the plus side absolutely no chance of a hangover.
So, I did not turn into a body double of Charlize Theron with a mother Theresa personality, an Anna Netrebco voice and an Oprah size bank account.
Do I want to drink? Hell no. Despite no jackpot I do know that this is probably the best thing I have ever done for myself. Sarah Hepola nailed it: "I was also beginning to realize that getting sober wasn't some giant leap into sunlight. It was a series of small steps in the same direction."
(Page 155.)
I have only one expectation. I expect myself to not drink, one day at a time. That, in some weird way makes me a little happy.
Recovery on the other hand, especially in the early months feels like an elusive phantom. Old timers tell us how great the sober life is. We want to believe this, but reality is somewhat different.
Personally, I guess I expected a WOW moment. Waking up one day and feeling 15 again. I expected robust good health, a deep and comprehensive understanding of life, the universe and everything, an all encompassing love for humanity and a happiness halo as permanent fixture.
It is day 98 now and....guess what....no "pink cloud". ( what is a pink cloud anyway?) My life is pretty much the same as before. Socialising is more tedious but on the plus side absolutely no chance of a hangover.
So, I did not turn into a body double of Charlize Theron with a mother Theresa personality, an Anna Netrebco voice and an Oprah size bank account.
Do I want to drink? Hell no. Despite no jackpot I do know that this is probably the best thing I have ever done for myself. Sarah Hepola nailed it: "I was also beginning to realize that getting sober wasn't some giant leap into sunlight. It was a series of small steps in the same direction."
(Page 155.)
I have only one expectation. I expect myself to not drink, one day at a time. That, in some weird way makes me a little happy.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,025
Hi Darwinia,
I m at earlier days than you this time around, but from previous experience if you only quit something (alcohol, drugs, junkie food, whatever) then you only removed something from your life. Unless you add other things that you know will overwhelm you, being sober on its own is not going to do that. It will give you lots of other good things, but you will have to look for the excitement elsewhere.
I'm sure you can do it!
P
I m at earlier days than you this time around, but from previous experience if you only quit something (alcohol, drugs, junkie food, whatever) then you only removed something from your life. Unless you add other things that you know will overwhelm you, being sober on its own is not going to do that. It will give you lots of other good things, but you will have to look for the excitement elsewhere.
I'm sure you can do it!
P
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
I think mr PL hit the nail on the head. When you quit drinking, you are removing something from your life. Albeit something destructive, but something significant. Other than that everything is exactly the same....any underlying issues are still there as well as existing habits, etc.
You also hit the nail with the "instant gratification" idea Darwinian. Addicts want it all and we want it NOW. That doesn't change when we quit drinking.
The solution is twofold....first accepting that life is simply not always "good". Everyone has bad days or events that are not pleasant. It's a fact that is beyond anyone's control. The second is changing OURSELVES to face life in a different way. That's what "having a plan" means. It means something different to each of us, but generally it means actively treating our addicition an any underlying issues.
You also hit the nail with the "instant gratification" idea Darwinian. Addicts want it all and we want it NOW. That doesn't change when we quit drinking.
The solution is twofold....first accepting that life is simply not always "good". Everyone has bad days or events that are not pleasant. It's a fact that is beyond anyone's control. The second is changing OURSELVES to face life in a different way. That's what "having a plan" means. It means something different to each of us, but generally it means actively treating our addicition an any underlying issues.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
"underwhelming" can equal living life in the 40mph lane without careening around like a lunatic. This is brilliant and can be true.
Re pink clouds - honestly, most of my recovery has been just this. Incredibly grateful for this. As my sponsor said when I brought this up with her, the pink cloud feelings and state of mind are the best part of a peaceful, recovered life. That's what I'm seeking to have as much of the time as possible. Pink is my favorite color, and I write, so I am intimately incorporating the pink cloud idea into my new blog. The visual of pink clouds, sometimes pink balloons, is big for me.
Excitability is still one of my top emotional red flags. When I start to feel inklings of amping up, that's really when I have to pause and breathe (and sometimes go ahead and take my anxiety med, which I am taking less often as dr and I agreed, and as I keep getting better and coping mech).
Re pink clouds - honestly, most of my recovery has been just this. Incredibly grateful for this. As my sponsor said when I brought this up with her, the pink cloud feelings and state of mind are the best part of a peaceful, recovered life. That's what I'm seeking to have as much of the time as possible. Pink is my favorite color, and I write, so I am intimately incorporating the pink cloud idea into my new blog. The visual of pink clouds, sometimes pink balloons, is big for me.
Excitability is still one of my top emotional red flags. When I start to feel inklings of amping up, that's really when I have to pause and breathe (and sometimes go ahead and take my anxiety med, which I am taking less often as dr and I agreed, and as I keep getting better and coping mech).
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
Life can be underwhelming at times, if not most of the time. But I've found there are moments of lucidity, revelation, satisfaction, peace, and sometimes even happiness.
It beats being hungover or drunk, or mind-numbingly buzzed.
It beats being hungover or drunk, or mind-numbingly buzzed.
AA Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Silicon Valley
Posts: 2,977
im not a big thinker or analyzer - more of a doer
today is our local unity day
kind of a big aa festival
free food, a stage play, workshops, meetings, aa history, sobriety countdown and lotsa fellowship
did i mention free breakfast, lunch and dinner?
today is our local unity day
kind of a big aa festival
free food, a stage play, workshops, meetings, aa history, sobriety countdown and lotsa fellowship
did i mention free breakfast, lunch and dinner?
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
I'm not a broken record, but I could be. And my comments are not accusations towards the OP or anyone else, but observations about who and what I was before I got sober, and what I've also seen in other people who've struggled to find a better way for themselves.
It took a great deal of effort, some significant changes in what I was thinking and doing, how I engaged the world, how I treated otherwise thought about other people, and a re-assessment of my beliefs to experience some of the things you mentioned. And I was only vaguely conscious that these processes were at work until long after they'd become part of who I was becoming.
I couldn't be the same person I was while I was drinking and expect to remain sober, or to live a better live. There's nothing profound about this, yet its simple truth always seemed to escape me. And I'm certain that I'm not alone in this.
Not only are we alcoholics seduced by instant gratification, but we extend that one-stand into a way of being. We miss out on what it means to do genuine internal work, and we resist committing ourselves to any long and arduous process that we must believe will grant us a better way of living without any guarantees about the outcome. We lack faith in ourselves and in the reality that just doing the work itself can not only be rewarding, but can also make us stronger, more confident, and more prepared to take on challenges that we never allowed ourselves to imagine. And we don't know anything about the value of working hard to achieve success in living a better life until we it, until we get there. Nothing. Zero. We quite literally don't know what we're missing.
A lot of folks don't like to hear these things, and many stop reading once they hit words like 'work', 'time', 'effort', 'pain', and 'struggle', but I don't know of any other way to get where we want to be or need to be without working like hell to get there. Hard work, suffering, a willtngness to experience perhaps multiple instances of loss, and a willingness to work through my fears was and remains the only way for me. All my accomplishments in life were just on the other side of my fears, and well beyond my comfort zone. I've learned that the more I fear something, the more I'm convinced that it's something I need to do. For me, this is non-negotiable. I'm open to hearing about people who've made significant and meaningful strides towards living not just a better life, but one that endures and one that they've also learned to love and nurture, without putting in a great deal of time and effort, and without suffering along the way. You won't find it in human history, art, literature, philosophy...
So why did I, why do we, hold out hope that something that does not, that cannot, exist, is somewhere out there for the taking?
Addiction.jpg
It took a great deal of effort, some significant changes in what I was thinking and doing, how I engaged the world, how I treated otherwise thought about other people, and a re-assessment of my beliefs to experience some of the things you mentioned. And I was only vaguely conscious that these processes were at work until long after they'd become part of who I was becoming.
I couldn't be the same person I was while I was drinking and expect to remain sober, or to live a better live. There's nothing profound about this, yet its simple truth always seemed to escape me. And I'm certain that I'm not alone in this.
Not only are we alcoholics seduced by instant gratification, but we extend that one-stand into a way of being. We miss out on what it means to do genuine internal work, and we resist committing ourselves to any long and arduous process that we must believe will grant us a better way of living without any guarantees about the outcome. We lack faith in ourselves and in the reality that just doing the work itself can not only be rewarding, but can also make us stronger, more confident, and more prepared to take on challenges that we never allowed ourselves to imagine. And we don't know anything about the value of working hard to achieve success in living a better life until we it, until we get there. Nothing. Zero. We quite literally don't know what we're missing.
A lot of folks don't like to hear these things, and many stop reading once they hit words like 'work', 'time', 'effort', 'pain', and 'struggle', but I don't know of any other way to get where we want to be or need to be without working like hell to get there. Hard work, suffering, a willtngness to experience perhaps multiple instances of loss, and a willingness to work through my fears was and remains the only way for me. All my accomplishments in life were just on the other side of my fears, and well beyond my comfort zone. I've learned that the more I fear something, the more I'm convinced that it's something I need to do. For me, this is non-negotiable. I'm open to hearing about people who've made significant and meaningful strides towards living not just a better life, but one that endures and one that they've also learned to love and nurture, without putting in a great deal of time and effort, and without suffering along the way. You won't find it in human history, art, literature, philosophy...
So why did I, why do we, hold out hope that something that does not, that cannot, exist, is somewhere out there for the taking?
Addiction.jpg
Catch 22
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: South Africa
Posts: 327
Perhaps Endgame we need to reflect here. No two people ever travel an exact identical path. Perhaps a one size fits all recovery recipe is not apt. I may challenge you on good art, literature, music and history only ever being forged from pain and suffering. But that would be counter -productive. All I say is that redemption is not a one dimensional concept nor is it owned by anyone.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 937
I have found weekends to be the most challenging. The lion's share of house work, laundry and food shopping/meal planning has fallen to me, despite working full time and some travel. It is what it is - any pleading, sulking, fighting or plain not doing doesn't change my spouse or teenage son - so now weekends are spent sober and in a domestic grind I am incredibly sick of doing.
At least at work, I can think about interesting problems and create things. This energizes me and makes me feel grateful for sobriety.
The resentment I have toward the end of most weekends makes me feel so angry and depressed.
At least at work, I can think about interesting problems and create things. This energizes me and makes me feel grateful for sobriety.
The resentment I have toward the end of most weekends makes me feel so angry and depressed.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 319
Originally Posted by Darwinia 
For us alcoholics instant gratification was the name of game. Fun was always ever only a glass away.
Recovery on the other hand, especially in the early months feels like an elusive phantom. Old timers tell us how great the sober life is. We want to believe this, but reality is somewhat different.
Personally, I guess I expected a WOW moment. Waking up one day and feeling 15 again. I expected robust good health, a deep and comprehensive understanding of life, the universe and everything, an all encompassing love for humanity and a happiness halo as permanent fixture.
It is day 98 now and....guess what....no "pink cloud". ( what is a pink cloud anyway?) My life is pretty much the same as before. Socialising is more tedious but on the plus side absolutely no chance of a hangover.
So, I did not turn into a body double of Charlize Theron with a mother Theresa personality, an Anna Netrebco voice and an Oprah size bank account.
Do I want to drink? Hell no. Despite no jackpot I do know that this is probably the best thing I have ever done for myself. Sarah Hepola nailed it: "I was also beginning to realize that getting sober wasn't some giant leap into sunlight. It was a series of small steps in the same direction."
(Page 155.)
I have only one expectation. I expect myself to not drink, one day at a time. That, in some weird way makes me a little happy.
Recovery on the other hand, especially in the early months feels like an elusive phantom. Old timers tell us how great the sober life is. We want to believe this, but reality is somewhat different.
Personally, I guess I expected a WOW moment. Waking up one day and feeling 15 again. I expected robust good health, a deep and comprehensive understanding of life, the universe and everything, an all encompassing love for humanity and a happiness halo as permanent fixture.
It is day 98 now and....guess what....no "pink cloud". ( what is a pink cloud anyway?) My life is pretty much the same as before. Socialising is more tedious but on the plus side absolutely no chance of a hangover.
So, I did not turn into a body double of Charlize Theron with a mother Theresa personality, an Anna Netrebco voice and an Oprah size bank account.
Do I want to drink? Hell no. Despite no jackpot I do know that this is probably the best thing I have ever done for myself. Sarah Hepola nailed it: "I was also beginning to realize that getting sober wasn't some giant leap into sunlight. It was a series of small steps in the same direction."
(Page 155.)
I have only one expectation. I expect myself to not drink, one day at a time. That, in some weird way makes me a little happy.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Originally Posted by Darwinia
Perhaps Endgame we need to reflect here. No two people ever travel an exact identical path. Perhaps a one size fits all recovery recipe is not apt. I may challenge you on good art, literature, music and history only ever being forged from pain and suffering. But that would be counter -productive. All I say is that redemption is not a one dimensional concept nor is it owned by anyone.
I don't believe that any "two people ever travel an exact identical path." The statement explains itself, and requires no further analysis. But I do believe, and I've never seen any evidence to the contrary, that whatever "redemption" (in the truest sense of that word) is for any one individual, it cannot be achieved without great struggle and without great suffering. To me, this is also self-explanatory as a part of shared human experience, as a prerequisite to being, and is, by the definition of its terms, true. If you can give me an example that contradicts this, I'd be happy to know it.
I also never commented that -- and I don't believe that -- "good art, literature, music and history only ever being forged from pain and suffering." I could have been more precise, but what I wrote is that there is no achieving a better (and for some, more "authentic") way without suffering. Our entire history, including art, literature, philosophy, religion, so-called "cultural differences" and the rest of it, demonstrates this reality across thousands of years and millions of people. I don't see a whole lot of literature about people who triumphed over difficult, often staggering, obstacles without dramatically changing (or, as I might put it, adjusting to or realizing) their way of being in the world. The most moving stories in our history are not about people who win PowerBall, but about those who overcome extreme difficulties and obstacles that appear to me insurmountable, whether they get to that "better place" or not.
We are all much more alike than otherwise. If a single person can do one thing extraordinarily well, that means that it can be repeated. Everyone knows, or should know, that there is no one, unique way to live a meaningful life or, within the context of this site, a sober and fulfilling life. Better to rely on our similarities than our differences, especially when looking into the abyss or to experience love and compassion. And this is my bias. The call for uniqueness and individuality is, for me, the ultimate act of conformity. If everyone is (or demands that they are) a unique individual, then no one is a unique individual. Individuality, for me, is forged in relation to others, and never in isolation, except to the extent that my isolation makes me separate, though not necessarily "different," from the larger group.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
i didnt get that pink cloud either. i was quite miserable for some time. i reme,ber standing outside after a meeting listening to a guy tell a joke, hear the people laighing, and thought," i know that was a hilarious joke. i wanna laugh again."
i worked the steps, went to meetings, prayed, and put my trust in the program and faith in the old timers that I would get better.
today my life truly is a bed of roses. i just have to remember roses have thorns and sometimes they *****.
and better than laughin at jokes, i laugh at myself!!
Darwinia,im reading you already making progress.
p.s.
if you get on a pink cloud
make sure to have a pink parachute.
i worked the steps, went to meetings, prayed, and put my trust in the program and faith in the old timers that I would get better.
today my life truly is a bed of roses. i just have to remember roses have thorns and sometimes they *****.
and better than laughin at jokes, i laugh at myself!!
Darwinia,im reading you already making progress.
p.s.
if you get on a pink cloud
make sure to have a pink parachute.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Pacific Coast
Posts: 785
Originally Posted by Darwinia
Perhaps Endgame we need to reflect here. No two people ever travel an exact identical path. Perhaps a one size fits all recovery recipe is not apt. I may challenge you on good art, literature, music and history only ever being forged from pain and suffering. But that would be counter -productive. All I say is that redemption is not a one dimensional concept nor is it owned by anyone.
Catch 22
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: South Africa
Posts: 327
Endgame: redemption without suffering: Bill Clinton (joke). Your argument with respect begs the question. I argued that early sobriety does not guarantee a soft landing. Call early sobriety then your suffering to gain redemption. Perhaps happiness and joy will follow and perhaps not. Equating successful sobriety with a fulfilled life seems to me to set up for failure. Sometimes sobriety can be an end in its own right.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Originally Posted by Darwinia
Endgame: redemption without suffering: Bill Clinton (joke). Your argument with respect begs the question. I argued that early sobriety does not guarantee a soft landing. Call early sobriety then your suffering to gain redemption. Perhaps happiness and joy will follow and perhaps not. Equating successful sobriety with a fulfilled life seems to me to set up for failure. Sometimes sobriety can be an end in its own right.
I may also be misunderstanding you, but I doubt I'd ever describe sobriety as "an end it itself." If nothing else, it is, for me, the beginning of something entirely new, a process of becoming.
If putting down the drink were enough for me, I'd likely start drinking again. That's just me.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
so we have a fan in our front room that i like to have on and blowing OUT one of the lower windows. when the sun streams in the morning i like to see all the floaties whooshing OUT the window and out of my house. but over time the fan blades have gooped up and collected a lot of OOK, which is really rather gross.
i have asked my dearly beloved numerous times if he could undo the clippie things that hold the grill housing on, as i'm not the most adept with tools. and i have received numerous responses, none of which involved him hopping up, grabbing a tool and DOING IT FOR ME.
he's off to a music festival today and i get the house to myself. so i sized my fan-nemesis, i even googled "how to clean a fan" and figured, what the hell, it's on Pineterest for pete's sake, how hard can it be?
and ya know what? it ain't that hard! i managed to avoid stabbing my hand with the screwdriver, didn't destroy any of the clips, didn't mangle or destroy any moving parts and NOW i have a nice CLEAN fan doing it's thing, all put back together, no extra parts, working like a champ. HA! double freaking HA!!!
to me.....that is what recovery is like......i can sit around til hell freezes over waiting for something to happen because i WANT it to, OR i can grab the proper TOOLS, and get busy making it happen, knowing that i may or may not be successful on my first attempt.
i have asked my dearly beloved numerous times if he could undo the clippie things that hold the grill housing on, as i'm not the most adept with tools. and i have received numerous responses, none of which involved him hopping up, grabbing a tool and DOING IT FOR ME.
he's off to a music festival today and i get the house to myself. so i sized my fan-nemesis, i even googled "how to clean a fan" and figured, what the hell, it's on Pineterest for pete's sake, how hard can it be?
and ya know what? it ain't that hard! i managed to avoid stabbing my hand with the screwdriver, didn't destroy any of the clips, didn't mangle or destroy any moving parts and NOW i have a nice CLEAN fan doing it's thing, all put back together, no extra parts, working like a champ. HA! double freaking HA!!!
to me.....that is what recovery is like......i can sit around til hell freezes over waiting for something to happen because i WANT it to, OR i can grab the proper TOOLS, and get busy making it happen, knowing that i may or may not be successful on my first attempt.
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