getright15

I'm happy to say I reached 103 days straight. My longest non dry drunk period in my life. As I continue to work on my sobriety each day I do see some of the good things that are happening in life. I also have to realize that it took a long time for me to mess things up in my marriage and my family. Its like some days things are just waiting to be brought up at home about what has happened during my drinking and dry drunk days. I try and I do utilize the tools I have learned by completing the steps. When I was drinking I was a liar, cheater, abuser, selfish, enraged, depressed hating life father of 2 and married for almost 7 years 35 year old man.

As I try to continue to repair my life and my relationship I knew it wasnt going to be easy. At times its frustrating as some times I want to throw in the towel just as my wife wanted to during my benders. I know she doesnt trust me. I get questioned for almost everything. I get it...I know its my fault. I'm sure we all want the people we hurt to trust us instantly. I also know it doesnt work that way right..... or the world would be perfect. I'm not gonna lie sometimes I feel like just throwing in the towel and saying f -it. Maybe starting over is for the best. I think my wife still sees me for how I used to be because everything is "the last you did" or "you said this last time and I'm supposed to just trust you now". Just sucks how trust takes so long to build and in the drop of a hat its gone. Seems a bit unfair but it is what it is right??

I'm kinda ranting right now as I'm just frustrated. I get told it's my job to make her feel wanted, its my job to mend things, its my job to basically initiate everything in a nut shell. We've been to counseling and last time that was a total sh*t show. I'm kinda like whatever at the moment and we're not currently talking because I'm "a d*&k" .

Well the old me would say f it and go for a drink...err a 5th of vodka and a date with the casino and then the police.

All I know is that I cant wake up drink if I go to sleep sober.

Dee74

Its really hard cos can;t set someone's else's timetable for forgiveness.

What might seem a lifetime to you or me is really only 3 months to someone else.

Not trying to take your achievement away from you at all - 103 days is great - but it's probably gong to take longr for fences to be mended.

Our part in the whole deal is to keep living 'right' and being the men we should have been all along

Have faith

D

getright15

No doubt....I know its going to take while. It just sucks is all. I know all the damage I've done over the years on my benders have been extreme. I'm sure it was frustrating to her as it is currently frustrating to me.

Patience hasn't always been my best characteristic, but I'm trying my best these sober days.

MythOfSisyphus

I think you've made immense progress, Getright, even if it doesn't always feel like it. The rage and defensiveness of some of your earlier posts have given way to wisdom and understanding. Congrats on hitting 103 days! If you're anything like me it feels miraculous! At one year I felt like I drove past the edge of the map into a whole new world I didn't know was there. You will, too.

Soberwolf

Congratulations getright

Behan

Many congratulations on your achievements. Relationships can be repaired, but it does take time.

My best wishes to you,

B

Berrybean

Hiya. Are you in AA? Or am I getting confused with someone with a similar username? Anyway. Kind of doesn't matter anyway really, because I was going to suggest that she might find AlAnon useful, and she outdoor attend whether you're in AA or not.

A lot of the time, people I relationships with alcoholics have developed their own codependency issues. I suppose what you mentioned about her saying it's your job to validate her feelings about herself. Well, actually, it isn't. As a loving partner, we should be caring, loving and considerate, both in actions and what we say, BUT (and this is a big but) for some people - esp those with codependency issues - this will never be enough anyway. Obviously, that was just one thing you said, and it just stood out to me, so maybe I'm barking up the wrong tree. But alanon is there to help partners of alcoholics for a reason. And that is that many of them need help to work their own program of recovery from our alcoholic drinking and thinking, and how it's affected our relationships over the years, etc. Might be worth getting her some info to look at - in a sensitive way of course.

August252015

As usual, I agree with berrybean. I was hesitant to bring up your wife's role in this but she has one, and she is the only one who can control how she deals with this new you. Yes, trust takes time to regain and yes, you are the one who needs to be sober and demonstrate your recovered self; but she has to actively participate in your new marriage or it simply won't be good for either of you.

Keep going- 103 days is awesome! Every milestone ahead (I loved "turning 100" and counting 10s and now on the eve of 180!) is great and you will continue to see change in you, and hopefully in others, if you keep going.

Good luck, sir.

MLD51

I was just going to say many of the same things Berrybean and August said. Your wife is still hurting from your drunk behaviors. But - all YOU can do is continue to do your best in sobriety. She's going to have to do some work, too. Maybe Al Anon, maybe individual counseling, maybe try marriage counseling again.

Yes, it takes time to heal relationships. I remember feeling very frustrated at about your stage of sobriety that my relationships weren't "fixed" yet. I was sober! I didn't lie anymore! I was doing my best! Why couldn't they see all that and just let it go and forgive me already??!!??

Well, I had to learn patience. I'm not great at patience. Alcoholics like instant gratification. Consider this situation a learning experience. Even if your wife never moves beyond the past, and continues to be stuck there, you don't have to be. You can heal only yourself. She has to heal herself.

My relationships are doing better now, but there is still debris hanging around out there. It rises to the surface every so often, but I have to just remember that it took a long time for me to mess things up, and it might take a long time for others to move past it. All I can do is keep working my program and becoming a trustworthy and reliable person.

getright15

Yes, I'm in AA. We have gone to AlAnon and AA joint meetings . She says she "doesnt want to get to involved". All I can do is what I'm currently doing. As frustrating as it is I just have to keep doing me. I feel i'm trying and not getting anywhere no matter what I do. She doesnt trust me if I'm not in her site. I get it...but at the same time she says shes giving me the benefit of the doubt. Really?

Anyhow another frustrating day down. Not sure how many more to go.

PurpleKnight

Day 103 is an achievement no matter what Getright!!

JD

103 days is fantastic. As someone who is less than a month away from one year I can tell you it does get way better. At three months I had similar feelings as you are having. If you really think about it a few months is a very short time in the grand scheme of things. I'm surprised that looking back it doesn't seem like that long ago. But looking forward it seems forever. Hang in there. You're doing a great job.

REsoberALITY

I agree... Hang in there. We can't "fix" so to say, what we've done or undone. We can keep moving forward and make sure we don't do it again.

IvanMike

Exactly.

You're not the same guy you were a few months ago.

Keep at it. Some days are (emotionally) tougher than others. There are still days where the best thing I can do is to go to sleep.

I'm not so great at patience either. But over time I'm getting better at it.

The best you and I can do is to clean up our side of the street and keep it clean. We're powerless over what other people do.

Recovery isn't about deciding that we are bad people responsible for the ills of the world. Recovery is about taking responsibility for our own messes and our own behavior. (Recovery is more than that, but you get the idea).

You're doing fine. keep at it. You have changed.

least

It will get better, but it takes time. More than 3 months. It took us a while to do the damage and now it will take a while to repair it. Best to just be the best you can be, regardless of the outcome. It will get better. Be patient.

EndGameNYC

There are many people who are so proud that they never missed a day of work or that they never laid a hand on their wife or partner that they'll tell anyone and everyone, even those who don't care. People care even less if your still drinking.

We set the bar pretty low when we're drinking, in one fell swoop. It takes time, effort, focus, and work to bring the bar back up, if it was ever "up" at all. Not that you're saying this, but the belief that "I just can't do it" is a fairy tale. We get sober, and everything is possible.

I've long maintained that, in our hearts, we know who we are, we know what we want, and we know what we're capable of. There's only one thing left to do.

getright15

I went to a meeting tonight. My wife came with me as well. If I ever needed to go to one it was tonight. I'm so happy I did! The topic was pride and I ended up sharing. I always think I don't have a lot to offer when I do share, but it makes me realize that is not true when I get multiple people thanking me for sharing. It most definitely picked my spirits up after these last couple of days.

Also thank you to everyone for the motivational words!

MLD51

Glad to hear your wife went to a meeting with you. Have you discussed it since then? How did she feel about it? Think she will go again, or go to Al Anon?

August252015

You have probably read this, but sometimes rereading the chapter The Family Afterward (ch 9, p 122-135) is helpful to me. This applies to my family of origin, since I am not married and am now in a relationship where both of us are in recovery so don't have common baggage from drinking, but it certainly applies to a marriage.

Hang in there!!!