Just Another Sad Statistic
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 8
Just Another Sad Statistic
Hi to all. Sorry this is so long but I need to vent.
I have no real hope I'll ever get sober. I've been a binge drinker since my divorce 1000 years ago. It was devastating for me. Never really got over that pain. I'm now in my 50s and still drink heavy at least twice a week.
AA - 12 step doesn't work for me. Tried it many times.
I've been in jail several times for crazy alcohol and drug related behavior. That's the only time I've been sober for more than a week.
I've been in rehab too.
I quit the drugs decades ago but can't stop drinking.
I'm self medicating for my extreme anxiety and ptsd etc.
And I drink because I'm god-awful lonely, and bored to death. I have no job or social life. No purpose anymore as a man.
Due to my current situation I'm not able to get into treatment. I tried several times. But the only clinic within 200 miles won't reduce their rates. I don't have insurance and they won't work with me. I simply can't afford their fees. $100 cash per visit, paid up front.
Doesn't matter much, because there isn't much point in starting a treatment plan here, because I'm trying to leave the state asap. Seeing a therapist or shrink once or twice won't cure what ails me.
Besides, meds and therapy haven't helped much. Often make me much worse. I can't function at all. I'm a zombie. And chemically castrated, which is bad, since I'm already feeling as low and emasculated as a man can get.
And I've had 2 seizures. Collapsed and blacked out in public. If I had been driving or even crossing the street it could have been disastrous. Now I'm too scared to try more meds. Especially if I am drinking.
It's possible I have borderline personality disorder. I've been in an out of treatment many years. It never gets better. There's a horrible emptiness and loneliness inside I can't shake.
As for dating, I've been alone for over a year.
I haven't met any women I'd be compatible with. Most of my girlfriends were alcoholics and bad off on drugs. Also had serious emotional problems. I feel much better and happier when I'm with someone, but I also quickly feel trapped, panicky, overwhelmed. And if they're emotional unstable, hostile, it triggers me bad.
Over the years I occasionally meet women who don't drink. But apparently my addiction and emotional problems won't let them get too close. I sabotage the relationship. Say something mean or crazy when I'm drunk to run them off. I guess I feel threatened by their sanity and sobriety.
Several docs diagnosed me bipolar, and that seems to be true. But there are other factors at play. Most likely BPD. I'm a freakin mess. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. The loneliness is agony. But then I run people off if they get too close, try to care and help.
I shacked up with a woman last year. But she was sneaky and an emotional wreck. She'd have hysterical temper tantrums all the time. And make veiled threats too, and try to control me. Blackmail me. Her husband killed himself, and I felt like she was trying to get at my disability checks. In 2 months together she was already pushing me to marry her, which was seriously strange and suspicious to me. I wasn't safe there so I split before it got any worse.
I was bullied badly as a kid, at school and at home. A lot of violence and emotional abuse. If I feel the slightest bit threatened, or someone hits or shoves me, I'm prone to explode and might hurt them bad.
I'm paranoid too. I'm often convinced everyone, especially women, are planning to hurt me. I don't trust anyone anymore.
I'm effectively homeless now. Have not had a proper home in 6 years. Been wandering aimlessly around the country, living out of a suitcase.
I don't know where I want to live or how I will ever get a home. I stay in hotels when I can afford it. I've rented rooms in peoples homes but there were altercations. Not really my fault, they were drug addicts, nasty criminals and con artists who picked fights and ripped me off.
There aren't many people I can cohabit with. Or would trust. In my condition I need my own private unit, so there won't be any fights or problems where I get kicked out on the street or whatever. But I can't afford my own place and won't qualify for a lease.
Things are bad. I live alone in a cheap motel in the middle of nowhere. No car and no public transportation. Nowhere to go. I'm often delusional or outright psychotic. I have blackouts and fly into blind rages, screaming at the walls or imaginary people. I'm likely to be evicted over it, and have nowhere to go. Not even a car to carry my stuff or sleep in.
I've called the crisis line 20 times. They can't help me. There is no hope for treatment unless I relocate closer to a city somewhere. But I can't without help.
I have no friends and I'm estranged from family. Only speak to my mom who lives far away. They don't want to know me. I called many times. They won't speak to me. I had to accept that's just how it is. I will never have a relationship with my siblings or father.
So here I am. The loneliest alcoholic on earth. Unemployed, Unemployable. Mentally ill. Effectively homeless with no real hope for help.
Unless the US starts implementing affordable housing and treatment programs for guys and gals like myself, I don't foresee much hope for getting well.
First off I need an efficiency or studio apartment. I can't handle a group sobriety home environment. Someplace quiet, private, and safe. No stress or drama. Only then might I stay sober. Motels and hotels are the worst place to recover. Too much drugs, drinking, fights, crime, hookers, and stress. And I need lots of emotional support too. And things to keep me busy and feel like a productive useful person. My low self-esteem is a big part of the problem.
The way I am going I will not last long. My liver is shot. May have cancer for all I know. I was urinating blood a few months ago. Probably passing kidney stones but I don't know since I can't afford tests.
On my last bender I nearly died. I was crawling on the floor vomiting profusely and crapping myself. Felt like I drank pure GHB. I've been hospitalized in the past for alcohol poisoning and nearly died in the ER.
Seems like everyone I try to befriend dies. My best friend died of a heart attack in his 40s. And last week, I met a guy in his 30s. I tried to befriend him, hoping to hang out together. But the next day he died from a drug overdose.
Well that's my story in a nutshell. Hope no one will judge me too harshly. Or lecture or criticize, because I've had all I can take, and it only triggers my drinking and self harm. Criticism never helps anyone. That's my mother's life long approach. Shame me into sobriety. But it only makes me angry and want to drink more.
I'm not a bad guy. I don't steal, or beat on people, or abuse kids, nothing like that. Yeah I'm an A-hole at times. Most drunks I've known are. But I'm not an evil person. Just a pretty messed up guy, and I signed up mostly to share my story . I do wish everyone here the best in your recovery and lives.
I have no real hope I'll ever get sober. I've been a binge drinker since my divorce 1000 years ago. It was devastating for me. Never really got over that pain. I'm now in my 50s and still drink heavy at least twice a week.
AA - 12 step doesn't work for me. Tried it many times.
I've been in jail several times for crazy alcohol and drug related behavior. That's the only time I've been sober for more than a week.
I've been in rehab too.
I quit the drugs decades ago but can't stop drinking.
I'm self medicating for my extreme anxiety and ptsd etc.
And I drink because I'm god-awful lonely, and bored to death. I have no job or social life. No purpose anymore as a man.
Due to my current situation I'm not able to get into treatment. I tried several times. But the only clinic within 200 miles won't reduce their rates. I don't have insurance and they won't work with me. I simply can't afford their fees. $100 cash per visit, paid up front.
Doesn't matter much, because there isn't much point in starting a treatment plan here, because I'm trying to leave the state asap. Seeing a therapist or shrink once or twice won't cure what ails me.
Besides, meds and therapy haven't helped much. Often make me much worse. I can't function at all. I'm a zombie. And chemically castrated, which is bad, since I'm already feeling as low and emasculated as a man can get.
And I've had 2 seizures. Collapsed and blacked out in public. If I had been driving or even crossing the street it could have been disastrous. Now I'm too scared to try more meds. Especially if I am drinking.
It's possible I have borderline personality disorder. I've been in an out of treatment many years. It never gets better. There's a horrible emptiness and loneliness inside I can't shake.
As for dating, I've been alone for over a year.
I haven't met any women I'd be compatible with. Most of my girlfriends were alcoholics and bad off on drugs. Also had serious emotional problems. I feel much better and happier when I'm with someone, but I also quickly feel trapped, panicky, overwhelmed. And if they're emotional unstable, hostile, it triggers me bad.
Over the years I occasionally meet women who don't drink. But apparently my addiction and emotional problems won't let them get too close. I sabotage the relationship. Say something mean or crazy when I'm drunk to run them off. I guess I feel threatened by their sanity and sobriety.
Several docs diagnosed me bipolar, and that seems to be true. But there are other factors at play. Most likely BPD. I'm a freakin mess. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. The loneliness is agony. But then I run people off if they get too close, try to care and help.
I shacked up with a woman last year. But she was sneaky and an emotional wreck. She'd have hysterical temper tantrums all the time. And make veiled threats too, and try to control me. Blackmail me. Her husband killed himself, and I felt like she was trying to get at my disability checks. In 2 months together she was already pushing me to marry her, which was seriously strange and suspicious to me. I wasn't safe there so I split before it got any worse.
I was bullied badly as a kid, at school and at home. A lot of violence and emotional abuse. If I feel the slightest bit threatened, or someone hits or shoves me, I'm prone to explode and might hurt them bad.
I'm paranoid too. I'm often convinced everyone, especially women, are planning to hurt me. I don't trust anyone anymore.
I'm effectively homeless now. Have not had a proper home in 6 years. Been wandering aimlessly around the country, living out of a suitcase.
I don't know where I want to live or how I will ever get a home. I stay in hotels when I can afford it. I've rented rooms in peoples homes but there were altercations. Not really my fault, they were drug addicts, nasty criminals and con artists who picked fights and ripped me off.
There aren't many people I can cohabit with. Or would trust. In my condition I need my own private unit, so there won't be any fights or problems where I get kicked out on the street or whatever. But I can't afford my own place and won't qualify for a lease.
Things are bad. I live alone in a cheap motel in the middle of nowhere. No car and no public transportation. Nowhere to go. I'm often delusional or outright psychotic. I have blackouts and fly into blind rages, screaming at the walls or imaginary people. I'm likely to be evicted over it, and have nowhere to go. Not even a car to carry my stuff or sleep in.
I've called the crisis line 20 times. They can't help me. There is no hope for treatment unless I relocate closer to a city somewhere. But I can't without help.
I have no friends and I'm estranged from family. Only speak to my mom who lives far away. They don't want to know me. I called many times. They won't speak to me. I had to accept that's just how it is. I will never have a relationship with my siblings or father.
So here I am. The loneliest alcoholic on earth. Unemployed, Unemployable. Mentally ill. Effectively homeless with no real hope for help.
Unless the US starts implementing affordable housing and treatment programs for guys and gals like myself, I don't foresee much hope for getting well.
First off I need an efficiency or studio apartment. I can't handle a group sobriety home environment. Someplace quiet, private, and safe. No stress or drama. Only then might I stay sober. Motels and hotels are the worst place to recover. Too much drugs, drinking, fights, crime, hookers, and stress. And I need lots of emotional support too. And things to keep me busy and feel like a productive useful person. My low self-esteem is a big part of the problem.
The way I am going I will not last long. My liver is shot. May have cancer for all I know. I was urinating blood a few months ago. Probably passing kidney stones but I don't know since I can't afford tests.
On my last bender I nearly died. I was crawling on the floor vomiting profusely and crapping myself. Felt like I drank pure GHB. I've been hospitalized in the past for alcohol poisoning and nearly died in the ER.
Seems like everyone I try to befriend dies. My best friend died of a heart attack in his 40s. And last week, I met a guy in his 30s. I tried to befriend him, hoping to hang out together. But the next day he died from a drug overdose.
Well that's my story in a nutshell. Hope no one will judge me too harshly. Or lecture or criticize, because I've had all I can take, and it only triggers my drinking and self harm. Criticism never helps anyone. That's my mother's life long approach. Shame me into sobriety. But it only makes me angry and want to drink more.
I'm not a bad guy. I don't steal, or beat on people, or abuse kids, nothing like that. Yeah I'm an A-hole at times. Most drunks I've known are. But I'm not an evil person. Just a pretty messed up guy, and I signed up mostly to share my story . I do wish everyone here the best in your recovery and lives.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,364
Hi and welcome 
I didn't have much hope I'd ever get sober either...but this place changed all that.
I think seeing all the success stories, people who were just like me, helped me see that change really was possible.
It took a lot of work and a lot of patience tho. I had to start cleaning up the mess 20 years of drinking left me with.
I had to stop self medicating and deal with my grief, trauma, mental and physical issues by seeing a Dr., or doctors...
I have to accept that the way was gonna to continue to be tough for a little while, but now there was a light up ahead...and now I wasn't alone on the journey
SR helped me turn my life around - from all day everyday drinker to night on ten years sober now
I think you'll like it here Ross - stick around
D
I didn't have much hope I'd ever get sober either...but this place changed all that.
I think seeing all the success stories, people who were just like me, helped me see that change really was possible.
It took a lot of work and a lot of patience tho. I had to start cleaning up the mess 20 years of drinking left me with.
I had to stop self medicating and deal with my grief, trauma, mental and physical issues by seeing a Dr., or doctors...
I have to accept that the way was gonna to continue to be tough for a little while, but now there was a light up ahead...and now I wasn't alone on the journey
SR helped me turn my life around - from all day everyday drinker to night on ten years sober now
I think you'll like it here Ross - stick around
D
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 4,860
Welcome to SR, Ross. This is a place of great hope, where many lives have been rebuilt.
Stick around. You cared enough to reach out. The readiness and willingness to take your life to a new place is where it all starts.
Stick around. You cared enough to reach out. The readiness and willingness to take your life to a new place is where it all starts.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 79
Hi Ross and welcome!
I don't have any good advice because I only have 18 days. You will find lots of support here and I really hope you are able to find serenity as soon as possible. Stay close to the boards and read as much as you can. I'm sure more experienced people will respond soon and be able to help you more.
I don't have any good advice because I only have 18 days. You will find lots of support here and I really hope you are able to find serenity as soon as possible. Stay close to the boards and read as much as you can. I'm sure more experienced people will respond soon and be able to help you more.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Southern Ontario, Canada
Posts: 1,618
I am sorry you feel so down.
But there is ALWAYS hope. Just because you feel so hopeless doesn't mean that the situation is hopeless.
I really hope you keep posting here. SR is great...and it just might help you turn your life right around.
But there is ALWAYS hope. Just because you feel so hopeless doesn't mean that the situation is hopeless.
I really hope you keep posting here. SR is great...and it just might help you turn your life right around.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,981
I'm sorry to hear about your situation, it does sound horrible. Luckily being in the US, everyone can now get health insurance, so that will be a huge relief to now allow you to get medical care, and possibly also rehab. There are homeless shelters and other outreach groups like the salvation army, and even local churches.
It may take some groundwork on your end, but the help is there. Getting out of the alcoholic rut can be a very hard thing to do, but keep your hopes up and drive to get better, and you'll see things change for the better.
It may take some groundwork on your end, but the help is there. Getting out of the alcoholic rut can be a very hard thing to do, but keep your hopes up and drive to get better, and you'll see things change for the better.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,364
Don't let your addiction talk you down.
I think you have everything and everything we have here in you
It wasn't magic for me, just hard work and a lot of support.
I hope you decide to stick around and try too, Ross
D
I think you have everything and everything we have here in you
It wasn't magic for me, just hard work and a lot of support.
I hope you decide to stick around and try too, Ross
D
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,036
Hi Ross,
Welcome to SR! You will find lots of support on this forum.
Have you looked into the Salvation Army at all? They have lots of supports for people trying to rebuild their lives.
Hope to see you on here.
Welcome to SR! You will find lots of support on this forum.
Have you looked into the Salvation Army at all? They have lots of supports for people trying to rebuild their lives.
Hope to see you on here.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 350
Hi Ross,
You mentioned being on Disability. Does this make you eligible for Medicaid in your state? Some states chose not to expand Medicaid after Obamacare - which is very bad. If you are uncertain, you must look into this. You could have medical benefits waiting for you. But if you only receive the same kind of payments I receive then I can see your financial situation. I live on $733.00 per month and there is no way I could buy into the ACA's plans.
You mentioned that AA doesn't work for you. My town has a program operated by Salvation Army, does not cost anything, and it does rely on AA protocol, I believe, and this might be worth a try. I've met many gentlemen (they only take men, unfortunately) who have been through their rehab and it has completely changed their lives. Please don't give up. I know it's hard to ask for help when you have so little, but there are organizations out there for us.
You mentioned being on Disability. Does this make you eligible for Medicaid in your state? Some states chose not to expand Medicaid after Obamacare - which is very bad. If you are uncertain, you must look into this. You could have medical benefits waiting for you. But if you only receive the same kind of payments I receive then I can see your financial situation. I live on $733.00 per month and there is no way I could buy into the ACA's plans.
You mentioned that AA doesn't work for you. My town has a program operated by Salvation Army, does not cost anything, and it does rely on AA protocol, I believe, and this might be worth a try. I've met many gentlemen (they only take men, unfortunately) who have been through their rehab and it has completely changed their lives. Please don't give up. I know it's hard to ask for help when you have so little, but there are organizations out there for us.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,937
Welcome to SR, Ross66! I'm glad you found us here. Even though you don't believe it now there is hope- even for you! Many of us had written off our lives to alcohol but managed to find freedom from the bottle.
I hope you will stick around, Ross. It's good to have you with us.
I hope you will stick around, Ross. It's good to have you with us.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Colorado
Posts: 3,781
Just my 2 cents.. Hope you find what you're looking for..
Self-pity
Though the primary focus of self-pity is on the self and one's own emotions that is within, it also has a strong interpersonal component. Being an interpersonal emotion is directing the emotional feeling or response toward others with the goal of attracting attention, empathy or help. However, some who are dealing with self-pity usually look outside of themselves for the source of their problems which only leads to a downward spiral of issues.[1
Selfishness Is being concerned, sometimes excessively or exclusively, for oneself or one's own advantage, pleasure, or welfare, regardless of others.[1][2]
Self-pity
Though the primary focus of self-pity is on the self and one's own emotions that is within, it also has a strong interpersonal component. Being an interpersonal emotion is directing the emotional feeling or response toward others with the goal of attracting attention, empathy or help. However, some who are dealing with self-pity usually look outside of themselves for the source of their problems which only leads to a downward spiral of issues.[1
Selfishness Is being concerned, sometimes excessively or exclusively, for oneself or one's own advantage, pleasure, or welfare, regardless of others.[1][2]
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Australia
Posts: 109
Originally Posted by Dave42001 
Just my 2 cents.. Hope you find what you're looking for..
Self-pity
Though the primary focus of self-pity is on the self and one's own emotions that is within, it also has a strong interpersonal component. Being an interpersonal emotion is directing the emotional feeling or response toward others with the goal of attracting attention, empathy or help. However, some who are dealing with self-pity usually look outside of themselves for the source of their problems which only leads to a downward spiral of issues.[1
Selfishness Is being concerned, sometimes excessively or exclusively, for oneself or one's own advantage, pleasure, or welfare, regardless of others.[1][2]
Self-pity
Though the primary focus of self-pity is on the self and one's own emotions that is within, it also has a strong interpersonal component. Being an interpersonal emotion is directing the emotional feeling or response toward others with the goal of attracting attention, empathy or help. However, some who are dealing with self-pity usually look outside of themselves for the source of their problems which only leads to a downward spiral of issues.[1
Selfishness Is being concerned, sometimes excessively or exclusively, for oneself or one's own advantage, pleasure, or welfare, regardless of others.[1][2]
Ross I'm glad you're here and reaching out. You've got a lot on your plate and I wish I could help more. Stick around, you'll find lots of support here.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Australia
Posts: 109
Originally Posted by Dave42001
Just my 2 cents.. Hope you find what you're looking for..
Self-pity
Though the primary focus of self-pity is on the self and one's own emotions that is within, it also has a strong interpersonal component. Being an interpersonal emotion is directing the emotional feeling or response toward others with the goal of attracting attention, empathy or help. However, some who are dealing with self-pity usually look outside of themselves for the source of their problems which only leads to a downward spiral of issues.[1
Selfishness Is being concerned, sometimes excessively or exclusively, for oneself or one's own advantage, pleasure, or welfare, regardless of others.[1][2]
Self-pity
Though the primary focus of self-pity is on the self and one's own emotions that is within, it also has a strong interpersonal component. Being an interpersonal emotion is directing the emotional feeling or response toward others with the goal of attracting attention, empathy or help. However, some who are dealing with self-pity usually look outside of themselves for the source of their problems which only leads to a downward spiral of issues.[1
Selfishness Is being concerned, sometimes excessively or exclusively, for oneself or one's own advantage, pleasure, or welfare, regardless of others.[1][2]
Ross I'm glad you're here and reaching out. You've got a lot on your plate and I wish I could help more. Stick around, you'll find lots of support here.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: London
Posts: 512
Hi Ross, thank you for reaching out and sharing with us, you are NOT alone, you have found SR, an international community of like minded people suffering from the same condition We have all been where you are now, wondering if we have it in us to give up the booze, reading the success stories and thinking they have something I don't etc.
Just keep coming back, keep sharing where you are and most of all don't give up. You are no different from the rest of us. If we can do it you can too! Elle
Just keep coming back, keep sharing where you are and most of all don't give up. You are no different from the rest of us. If we can do it you can too! Elle
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Gulf Coast, USA
Posts: 2,229
Welcome to SR Ross. You are definitely not alone and you now have us to lean on if you will stick around.
You deserve to be happy again Ross. I had lost hope until I found SR. You can do this if you want.
Lean on us to help build you back to where you deserve to be.
You deserve to be happy again Ross. I had lost hope until I found SR. You can do this if you want.
Lean on us to help build you back to where you deserve to be.
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