Flower2327

Hi all. I've been lurking for quite some time. Years really. I'm 32, and I think I first stumbled upon this place when I was 23-24 and just wondering if my drinking was problematic. Ugh. Time flies.

The short version: family and personal demons collided around the time I started college. Alcohol was plentiful, so I did what everyone else seemed to be doing. Except I kept doing it alone. My thing is binge drinking, even now. It began around that time as drinking alone, watching TV or whatever, until 12-1AM. Now, my idea of a "fun" Friday night is starting drinking at 7PM and going until 7AM the next day, generally consuming a box of wine (4 bottles) and a six pack of beer over 12 hours. I've pretty much "perfected" the amount and type of alcohol I can drink and get really drunk, but not get ugly drunk or sick (which has happened in the past). For whatever reason, I never get drunk in public; I can have a glass of wine out at dinner, or have two drinks with coworkers and stop and be fine.

In the past several years, this has branched out into weeknight drinking. Again, I've pretty much gotten down to a science what I can drink and still manage to get in to work the next day (see below).

That brings me to now. Right now, having nothing else in the house and having gone through my usual 1.5 liters of wine and 4 beers (what I can usually afford to get through and still show up at work the next day by noon, which isn't a problem due to flex time), I'm working my way through a random bottle of Campari someone gave me and smoking the butts of old cigarettes. (I only smoke when I drink). Having already emailed in "sick" for today/tomorrow at the job I really love, I imagine I'll stumble off to bed at some point around 9-10AM (or whenever the Campari runs out), wake up around 4PM, order a load of food delivery, and watch TV while I sober up. Answer work emails. (Again, going in late/calling out not a big deal at my job due to flex time allowance...but I wonder if I'm pushing it due to my drinking). The pattern has started to wear at me lately. Again, I'm 32...never really dated in my 20s (the drink/food binging has also left me very overweight, which just makes everything worse). So here I am, sitting in the nice house I really love, in a city I love, with a job I love [despite calling out tonight]. Alone.

I've read enough here to know what I should do at this point...but I don't know if I'm there yet. I just needed to get this out tonight. Sorry if I'm just taking up space without being committed or something.

Caramel

Welcome, Flower

leighbond

Story time! This is exactly how I became a full blown alcoholic. It’s path of diminishing returns, although you are a bit of a late bloomer I will say just stop now. I used to drink with friends, I could go out and have a few drinks or one or two like you can and maybe drink with my family sometimes. Then I started to drink alone, and that's when everything escalated, slowly but it still got there. I started with a few glasses of wine here or there, or a four loko or like 2 icehouses. Then it turned into a bottle of wine ever few days which slowly turned into a bottle of wine then I would go back to the store and get a few beers. That lasted for a little while until I started getting the two boxed wines because they were equal to six glasses so it was two more than a bottle. Then I just started drinking two bottles a night, or three boxed wines which if I could still stand I would mosey off onto walmart and get snacks and something else to drink. I had it down to a science too, still made it to work every day on time, albeit a little hungover. Until Wine wasn't enough, so I would alternate and do wine one day then a fifth of hard liquor the next, you do try to pace yourself at first but that all goes out the window after a while. You may see a pattern developing here. Eventually each night turned into a blackout stupor weather that's what I wanted or not, I got fired from two jobs. In the end it was hard liquor every day. Maybe punctuated by something else to spice it up. And it was always alone, until later. When I started getting lonely, and started going to bars, which destroyed my financial situation. I should mention this was over the course of two maybe three years at the most, from when I started drinking alone to the full spiral out of control. There was a time when three icehouses was enough for me and I was lit, now I wouldn’t even feel it. Granted I have finally quit, If I could back in time and tell myself this I would, but I can’t so I hope you listen to what I’m saying. I know you wouldn’t be on here if you felt in control right now.

Flower2327

Thanks for sharing your story, leighbond, and you're so right. I wouldn't be here if I felt in control. While this has obviously been something that's been going on for awhile, in the past few weeks I did feel like it was getting out of my control...drinking "my usual" (two bottles of wine, four beers) two weeknights, and still going all out on Friday. I think what prompted me to post was something I read in one of Sarah Hepola's recent columns in Jezebel...I really have started feeling that I can't feel or experience "fun" or be relaxed unless I'm drunk. I've lost any other context for those feelings absent alcohol. And that scares me.

MrPL

Hi Flower,

Welcome to forum. We have pretty much the same age and like you I had also worked out the exact amount I could push without screwing up anything else too much. Problem is you keep going, you see the righ things happening but start feeling emptier and emptier.

You obviously have a desire to not let alcohol take control, it would have taken more already if you didn't, it is in there somewhere and the fact you posted it here only reinforces it.

I m sure you are going to get some amazing advice and find the motivation you need here.

If you haven't done it already join the August class and you'll find a lot of us in the same situation helping each other out.

You are not doing this alone.

P

suzii

I feel for you! I've had issues with binge eating, alcohol, isolation and loneliness. I hope just knowing there's someone out there just like you, gives you some comfort.

Delilah1

Welcome Flower,

I'm glad you are here. You mentioned you have already spent some time reading around on here, why don't you join the August class and start posting there daily. Also, since you are home today why don't you give your doctor a call and see if he/she can fit you in. You have been drinking large quantities, and the doctor may be able to help you with withdrawal symptoms.

I stopped drinking in January a month after turning 45. I wish I had stopped at your age. You are smart to be here, and sobriety is worth it, I promise!

bexxed

Hi Flower. I understand. That's how it started with me, too. I'm a little older than you and in the last five years it's turned into something I will do in front of other people as well. I'm an introvert by nature and have preferred to be alone my whole life yet somehow it became binge drinking alone which led to daily drinking mostly alone which led to knowing the exact amount I can get away with. Mine is 1 1/2 bottles of wine on a work night and 2 on a non work night. And that's a lot more than one glass for good blood pressure a few times a week. Like you, I love my job, my city, and my house.

Glad you're here and glad you're reading Sarah Hepola. I'm a big fan.

You can shift this. This forum can help.

In gratitude

B

MLD51

Sarah Hepola hit the nail on the head when she mentioned not being able to feel or experience "fun" without alcohol. That means you are addicted, no question about it. You aren't drinking to relax or have fun anymore - you are drinking because you need to. I definitely got to that point, and beyond. I was on the verge of losing everything I cared about - but it was hard to care about anything in the state of mind I had gotten to. When I realized I wasn't caring as much about the good things in my life I was about to lose (or had already lost), I knew it was time for me to stop for good. Sounds like you are beginning to realize that. Quit before you lose the things in your life you value. Consult a doctor - the amount you are consuming could make quitting cold turkey very unpleasant or even dangerous. I say that not to scare you, but just so that you understand.

There's a lot of help here. Stick around. And I hope you choose sobriety.

U75

Welcome Flower. Your post is an important step. You end by saying that you don't know if you're "there" yet. But your post itself says differently--you ARE there. You have admitted you have a problem; you understand that your problem has resulted in harmful physical effects; and you know that if you keep doing it, you're going to lose your house, job, and place in the world, which you love.

It's amazing how putting things in writing crystallizes things, isn't it? You know the next step, now take it. Make today Day 1. Focus on your sobriety. As with any other disease, you will need to give yourself time and extra attention to heal. We're there for you.

Ruby2

Hi Flower. That sounds a lot like my drinking early on. It quickly got to be nightly drinking followed by withdrawing the next day. Calling in sick to keep drinking.

It's hard to quit but it can be done. I finally went to inpatient rehab to stop. My drinking had taken hold. I was much like you at 30. You can save yourself a rotten 40s if you quit now. Stick around, read and post.

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum Flower!!

Soberwolf

Welcome Flower

Dee74

Hi and welcome Flower

yeah I didn't know if I was there yet either when I came here - even after nearly killing myself with my drinking.

Thankfully just reading around this community, posting my own story, and posting to others, convinced me that not only was I 'there', but it also helped me believe that I could have the kind of alcohol-free life I was reading about here

I know we can help you make the same turnaround

D

alyssa11

Hi Flower! You and I have very similar stories! I started drinking casually, then most all weekends, then 3-4 times a week, every night, and at my worst spiral out it began in the morning and would go on all day. I'm 28. You are most definitely not alone. This has been a fantastic place to vent frustrations and feelings and urges... and to learn! Dig through these threads, there's a lot of great advice and support in here! As mentioned before, there's an August thread full of people just starting out within their first day, or week or two and it's inspiring to hear how everyone is coping in their own ways, and the support being given in return. Best of luck! We all know how tough it is!

D122y

I can relate. I thought that i perfected the amount I drank and still function. But, I was kidding myself....so are you...it is a fantasy world...

... I say anyone over the age of 13 any more, can spot a drunk. Any ex drunk or someone w a drunk uncle etc especially.

As you know, you are addicted, but you are younger than me.

Quitting, physically and mentally may be easier, but relapsing will also be easier.

So, we are here for you.

Don't look at your drunk time as a waste. That is depressing. Being a drunk is not horrible until you get in trouble while drunk or your health goes. Being a drunk is what many folks do to deal w life. It works for many.

Now I deal w life day day w a sober confidence I have nevery had.

waterlogged

Welcome Flower xx

Flower2327

Thank you all for your wonderfully supportive and thoughtful responses. The community here is incredible, and that is tremendously heartening.

I wish I could say that I was on my way, but here I am, Saturday night, amusing myself with my usual wine/beer combo. I hadn’t had a drink since my last post, when my “weeknight usual” turned into missing work the next day when I realized I had a bottle of Campari someone had given me. (Campari is such a ****** thing to binge on). I should’ve seen it coming; I can usually function OK when I have a set amount of alcohol in the house, but that bottle did me in. I felt so guilty and awful my next day at work, with people asking me if I felt better (I’d said I had the flu). Of course I said yes, thanks for your concern, etc. Ugh. I felt like such a lying POS. I was a lying POS in those moments.

I had such a good day today, woke up early, cleaned up the house, and I actually spent much of it reading the first half of Sarah Hepola’s amazing memoir Blackout: Remembering the Things I Drank to Forget. I want to go back and reread parts of it again because they spoke to me so much.

But then it got to be 6, 7, 8PM…I tried so hard not to do my usual run to the store for wine/beer and the gas station for cigarettes. I stood in the middle of the room, weighing the pros and cons (clearly more pros) of not going…and then I just broke around 9PM. I don’t know what it was, the quiet, the boredom, stress, my AV, but at that point I got in the car almost robotically and “did my rounds.” And here I am.

I really appreciate your feedback and hard love, and it is SO liberating just to type all this out. I hope I am not breaking a rule, posting without having a plan. I hope I will very soon, but in the meantime, thank you all.

sadsadgirl

Hi Flower, your story sounds just like mine. At times when you're debating drinking, that's the time to post here. This is a bump in the road, get back on the wagon. You can do this!!

Elicia08

(((Flower))) I have done the same thing so many times over the past few years, I can't even count... "I'm not going to drink today. It's killing me and it's killing my life. I'm not going to drink today. Not going to drink. Not going to drink. Yes, I'll take that 30-pack of beer home. Yes, I'll go to the bar and do shots and drink more beer. Wait... What just happened?" Repeat the next day. One day I guess I'd finally had enough. Celebrating two weeks today. Not really that much time but for a person who drank a LOT on a daily basis for over two and a half years, it's a freakin miracle. Try to stop for yourself. It's really worth it. You're really worth it. And no, as far as I know you're not breaking any rules. Keep coming back...