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Old 08-21-2016, 02:36 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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I relate to your story too, and I am about a decade older than you. I wish I had stopped at 32 years old. I would have saved myself a lot of pain and upset, and it's a guarantee that I would have been more successful in my career and life in general. More importantly, I would not have come so close to ruining my health.

I finally stopped living in denial. I got to a point of absolute clarity and knew two things for an absolute fact: firstly, I would die from drinking if I continued and secondly, I was well on the road to losing everything I had worked for.

When I knew those two things with absolute certainty, there were no more nights of debating with myself whether I would go and buy a bottle of wine. Those debates became nonsense. What debate can there be between choosing a fulfilling satisfying life and a path of death and destruction?

All the best Flower. There is a ton of support here that helped me get to that place of clarity, and it can help you too.
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Old 08-21-2016, 04:21 AM
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What debate can there be between choosing a fulfilling satisfying life and a path of death and destruction?
Thank you, MissPerfumado. This really sticks with me. And the answer is...I don't know. Right now, the difference seems so...murky. (And I know how that sounds).

I know this will sound ridiculous to those of you further along the road, and god knows I've read enough here to know better...but here goes...

Even at this point, I just can't get over these things: no glass of wine at the incredible foodie restaurant (French Laundry, Per Se) I may get to eat at one day; no champagne at my best friend's wedding; no more drinks out with my colleagues. Etc etc et al.

The thought of all that makes me feel, frankly...sad. And weird. And I don't know how I will get over it.
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Old 08-21-2016, 05:59 AM
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It's not weird. I miss the feeling so much. Vodka was like... what I imagine heroine might feel like to an addict, just my favorite feeling in the world. But I'm in a similar boat as Miss and already at 28 I have liver damage. So to continue drinking is basically not even an option for me.. and it SUCKS. The idea of going to parties especially. I feel most people don't get their health checked out because they'd rather not know and gives them a reason to keep drinking (what you don't know, can't kill you).... but believe me, it's really freaking hard. I haven't gotten to a point yet where I don't still crave no matter how much I distract myself. We can do this!
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Old 08-21-2016, 06:42 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Flower2327 View Post
Even at this point, I just can't get over these things: no glass of wine at the incredible foodie restaurant (French Laundry, Per Se) I may get to eat at one day; no champagne at my best friend's wedding; no more drinks out with my colleagues. Etc etc et al.

The thought of all that makes me feel, frankly...sad. And weird. And I don't know how I will get over it.
In early recovery, just think of getting through each day (hour by hour if necessary). With each passing day, it will become a little easier. Try not to worry about the future. That will only cause a great deal of anxiety right now... Welcome aboard and best wishes on your journey.
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Old 08-21-2016, 07:42 AM
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Hello Flower, I wholeheartedly agree with the previous posters. You are still young with a fabulous opportunity to stop now and then live a more fulfilling life. I wish I had the strength to make your post decades ago, and then acted on the advice you've received. Believe me, the years fly by so fast and this alcohol issue is progressive, it will only get worse,. But it doesn't have to for you, you've recognised the problem and therefore you can take action!
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Old 08-21-2016, 08:18 AM
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Fantasizing about the future and how it will be less enjoyable without alcohol in certain situations is a trick. Your AV is being tricky. AV wants to kill us and alcohol is the weapon.
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Old 08-21-2016, 08:21 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Flower2327 View Post
Thank you, MissPerfumado. This really sticks with me. And the answer is...I don't know. Right now, the difference seems so...murky. (And I know how that sounds).

I know this will sound ridiculous to those of you further along the road, and god knows I've read enough here to know better...but here goes...

Even at this point, I just can't get over these things: no glass of wine at the incredible foodie restaurant (French Laundry, Per Se) I may get to eat at one day; no champagne at my best friend's wedding; no more drinks out with my colleagues. Etc etc et al.

The thought of all that makes me feel, frankly...sad. And weird. And I don't know how I will get over it.
Good morning Flower,

Try to stay focused on the present. You are doing what all of us have done at one point, romanticizing alcohol. You can still have that amazing meal, and remember how wonderful the food was, you can toast with sparkling juice at your best friend's wedding and be present in the start of a beautiful new journey for her. You can skip the work happy hours and meet a friend for a walk, or for a cup of coffee.

Mindfulness is something I have really tried to focus on as part of my recovery plan. It has really helped.

You can do this, what are your plans to stay sober for today?
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Old 08-21-2016, 08:25 AM
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AV wants to kill us and alcohol is the weapon.

^^^^^So true.
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Old 08-21-2016, 09:25 AM
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Worry about how I would handle a future situation involving making the choice not to drink(eg a trip to the beach, a cold'one' after cutting the lawn, the nightly(?) beer in the shower(?!), a dinner out ect ect) always made it easier for the AV to convince me to not even attempt quitting. Even after alcohol abuse progressed to drinking (just a little?!) in the morning to get me to the point in the day when I could drink, Enough.
I'm not sure exactly how but I decided one day that enough was enough, I was done trying to quit and felt pretty sure that I was going to quit full stop, because if I didn't all bets were off. I knew if I didn't I'd lose everything important in my life and/or the heightened anxiety of the binge drinking/morning withdrawl cycle would drive me over the edge and make suicide seem like a reasonable alternative. In truth I was closer to losing the important things in my life, from drinking, then I realised. But just as truthfully the despair, anguish and anxiety were caused by/extremely heightened by continuing to consume alcohol. The only way to get free of it was to decide Never again , No Mater What. It's a simple solution, not easy, at first. It does become easier with time , and it's hard to express in words the feeling of being freed from the addiction and knowing you would never return to that despair.
24/7 rainbows and unicorns because I no longer drink? Not hardly, but 24/7 relief? Absolutely.
Take the leap of faith to believe what others express about it getting better, and soon you will answer the AV's "glass of wine w/dinner, celebratory toasts, casual drinking get togethers" with " actually that all just sounds like that bottle of Campori and those butts" .
Nice dinners in fine restaurants can be/ are fantastic , they do not end fishing through ashtrays, they never have to, you can do this
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Old 08-21-2016, 01:31 PM
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Hello all! I wanted to introduce myself to the group here. Ive been reading alot of the information on here and look forward to being part of a supportive community of people working towards the same goal, sobriety! Today I celebrate 21 days alcohol free!
I am definitely feeling 100 percent better then I was on my first day and look forward to all of the positives that being sober will bring into my life.
I spent this morning with my sponsor and she gave me suggestions for this coming week. It was good to share with her some feelings I have been dealing with lately, that I used to cope with by checking out with alcohol. It felt good to get some of them off my chest!
Anyway, thanks in advance for any suggestions or support I receive from any and all members here.
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Old 08-21-2016, 01:37 PM
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Welcome Ooona. Good job on 21 days. Im new here too and am at 7 days.
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Old 08-22-2016, 04:39 AM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Flower2327 View Post
I know this will sound ridiculous to those of you further along the road, and god knows I've read enough here to know better...but here goes...

Even at this point, I just can't get over these things: no glass of wine at the incredible foodie restaurant (French Laundry, Per Se) I may get to eat at one day; no champagne at my best friend's wedding; no more drinks out with my colleagues. Etc etc et al.

The thought of all that makes me feel, frankly...sad. And weird. And I don't know how I will get over it.
Hi Flower, I didn't mean to suggest that I quickly or easily got to the point of clarity about drinking. I was in denial for years.

All the thoughts you have expressed, about all the drinks you will never have, I had those thoughts too. So no need to explain.

Reading around here helped break down my wall of denial. Once I got over the denial, I could start dealing with the reality of what I had to do.

The reality I accepted was that even one drink would lead me back to drinking to my death. That was another major paradigm shift.

Breaking that down into simple terms, it meant that I fundamentally accepted that I could never ever drink again. After that it became a matter of employing strategies.

One-day-at-a-time is a most effective strategy. It stops your mind from going to unhelpful places like how sad it would be not to have a drink on some indeterminate day in the future - because that is really just a lie that the addicted part of our nature tells us. The truth is that each of those "special" occasions do not require you to drink and the future you who shows up to those occasions will be a much more confident, contented individual if you no longer drink.

Please stick around and keep reading here. I think you will find a lot that will help you get over any concerns you may have about what it would be like to never drink again.
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Old 08-22-2016, 05:39 AM
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Hi Flower,

I can completely understand what you are saying, you can see lots of us can.

Not sure this will help, but end of July I decided to quit. For good. Week one went by, then halfway through week 2 I thought about three events this year where drinking would make perfect sense: a music festival, a wedding and Christmas. At that point I decided to be a "big occasions drinker". Now, three days before the festival, since I knew I would be drinking then, I robotically walked into a shop and got a couple of drinks for the way home. At home I had another. Then it clicked.

Point is: your AV will use whatever it can to convince you drinking is worthwhile in some shape or form, and once that happens that's it, we're back to old habits sooner or later (otherwise you would have waited to drink a glass of champagne at a wedding instead of randomly driving to the store).

It is by no means easy to resist your AV, but next time this happens check in here before deciding to drink, it really helps to put things in perspective.

I know you got it in you to do this and we're right there with you.

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Old 08-22-2016, 06:15 AM
  # 34 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Flower2327 View Post
Even at this point, I just can't get over these things: no glass of wine at the incredible foodie restaurant (French Laundry, Per Se) I may get to eat at one day; no champagne at my best friend's wedding; no more drinks out with my colleagues. Etc etc et al.

The thought of all that makes me feel, frankly...sad. And weird. And I don't know how I will get over it.
I understand the feelings, I've felt them myself. It stems from thinking that sobriety is depriving us of something enjoyable, that quitting drinking is some sort of punishment.

It's not.

We use the term ball and chain to refer to something that restricts one's freedom or limits one's possibilities for personal pursuits.

Alcohol is our ball and chain.

You said yourself that, "I really have started feeling that I can't feel or experience "fun" or be relaxed unless I'm drunk."

You have to have alcohol to have fun? That sounds more like punishment than having the freedom to enjoy life whenever, however we want without the ball and chain of alcohol.

Recovery is not the punishment. Having to drink is.
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Old 08-22-2016, 07:58 AM
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Originally Posted by doggonecarl View Post
I understand the feelings, I've felt them myself. It stems from thinking that sobriety is depriving us of something enjoyable, that quitting drinking is some sort of punishment.

It's not.

We use the term ball and chain to refer to something that restricts one's freedom or limits one's possibilities for personal pursuits.

Alcohol is our ball and chain.

You said yourself that, "I really have started feeling that I can't feel or experience "fun" or be relaxed unless I'm drunk."

You have to have alcohol to have fun? That sounds more like punishment than having the freedom to enjoy life whenever, however we want without the ball and chain of alcohol.

Recovery is not the punishment. Having to drink is.
Wow! Such a powerful read right there. I know it was meant for the original poster but I had to say thanks cuz it really spoke to me!
Im a rebellious person by nature and if Im told I CANT do something or have something, well Ill damn sure show you I can! *stomping foot* lol.

Looking at my recovery as a choice feels so much way better and Im on board with that and it keeps my teenage rebellious youngster at bay. If I start to tell myself Im not going to have any fun because I cant have alcohol, I will surely relapse in short order.

Mom used to say, dont cut off your nose to spite your face. I never really understood that silly saying but now, as a bonafide alcoholic complete with all the defects of charecter that comes with it, I FINALLY understand.
Today I choose to be sober and free.
Blessings and thanks again!
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Old 08-22-2016, 09:09 AM
  # 36 (permalink)  
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Hi Flower:

Thank you for posting - I am in the same boat (lurker for years) and you inspired me to finally dive in and signup.

I think that I always believed "well, I'm still on the fence, so I don't want to take the step to sign up".

So... here I am, hoping to break out of this rut.
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Old 02-04-2018, 09:08 PM
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Hello all. It's been an interesting year and a half since I last posted, but I'm happy to report that I'm on day 38.

I think I've finally come to terms with the fact that I can't be any sort of moderate drinker. Even when I would pat myself on the back for going out to dinner and only having one glass of wine, I knew that, as long as I let alcohol be a part of my life, I would never be free of the private binging, however convincingly I could appear to drink "normally" in public.

It was the anxiety that pushed me over the edge. Even when I tried to "moderate" my binges ("only" two bottles of wine instead of three, plus beer), the hangovers seemed to get worse. I've always dealt with anxiety and knew that the drinking didn't help, but the anxiety and panic attacks that started accompanying the hangovers got really bad. While I'd read enough to know what was happening and that I wasn't really having X medical condition, it was only a matter of time before I freaked out my family/friends by making one of them drive me to the ER because I felt like I was coming out of my skin and having some sort of fit, or heart attack, or something.

I knew, and know, I can't live like that, so I'm hoping this is it for me and alcohol. I saw a doctor for the first time in years and told him everything, and he was extremely sympathetic and supportive. Miraculously, my bloodwork was pretty good; one liver enzyme just slightly high, but he said that was consistent with fatty liver, which I was diagnosed with several years ago, and should resolve if I stay alcohol free and work on eating better and getting more exercise. He also started me on a low dose of an SSRI for anxiety and referred me to a therapist in their practice, who I'll start seeing this week.

In the last 38 days I really haven't had any cravings per se, but I have suddenly found myself in situations where I said to myself, "Ah yes, I can see where this would've been an excuse for me to drink before." I've also recognized a few times where I found myself romanticizing my past drinking, thinking in terms of seemingly innocuous, isolated snippets of time ("Wasn't it fun watching that TV show with a couple of glasses of wine?!") rather than the whole picture (you can't remember what happened in the entire series because those two glasses of wine turned into 15!). But the thought of actually having a drink feels utterly foreign to me now. I know I need to be vigilant and have a plan for when something, whether the AV or a stressful situation, tries to chip away at my resolve, and that's the first thing I'd like to work with the therapist on. Just reading other people's stories and experiences here has been huge as well, so I'm going to make a point to keep posting as I work through this.
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Old 02-04-2018, 09:52 PM
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Well done on your 38 days sober. And yes, making a plan sounds like a great idea. Dees thread would be a good place to start reading around that so you have something to take along to the talk table with your therapist... http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...y-plans-1.html

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Old 02-04-2018, 10:11 PM
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Congrats Flower

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Old 02-05-2018, 12:45 AM
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Congrats, and starting this journey by involving your doctors is a really good decision.
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