JGK

Hi All,

I have been reading many posts on this forum but never participated but I believe it's time I reach out to more than my local AA friends.

My story:
I have been drinking alcoholically my whole life since the age of 17. It cost me my degree ,later my business and career and then my wife and family all my earthly possessions.
In 2012 I went into treatment for 2 months and remained sober for 18 months. It was a tough time, depression to the extend of suicide thoughts, emotional, up and downs, crying, panic attacks. etc. From our recovery GP, to a psychologist and ending up at a psychiatrist and was diagnosed being bi-polar, were put on meds and my life changed completely for the better, It was amazing. Went on a six month mini-sabbatical and did some formal certification and has built up my life again. Have a good job in top management. Two wonderful sons. A lot of caring friends and family. Then two years ago the thinking started that perhaps I am not an alcoholic but was medicating due to being bi-polar. And so my drinking life returned. I have been through the 12 steps in and out of treatment, a couple of sponsors and started with the steps again a month ago and am on step 9. Have made one amend so far. But I can't stay sober, Longest in this time was 4 months after a serious motorbike accident but apart from that I get 5 days here, perhaps 3 weeks there, then 2 days ect ect. I pray most mornings that God will protect me from my insanity but by 5 o clock I have only one thing on my mind and that is getting booze into my systems. I can sit in front of the liquor store and pray but once the switch has been triggered i inevitably get drunk.

This morning, after some heavy drinking last night and smoking some pot, I have the shakes, had it before but not that severe. I know I am going down, I can visualize it, I can feel it as if it already happened but it is as if i am watching a terrible a sad movie with me in the lead role. Only my eldest son and a couple of AA friends knows I am still drinking. My best friend was with me in treatment and I have been lying to him to for almost 2 years, his 4 years sober and clean, My parents, youngest son, X-wife and the rest of my family doesn't know, I have told my MD at our company that I am an alcoholic but recovered, He frequently asks me how I am doing but I lie that I am doing great.

I spend a night in jail for possession of narcotics but we have a process called diversion where you are referred to treatment and then charges are withdrawn. I still attend AA meetings 3-4 per week, have been to some of them drunk or go drinking afterwards and I do completely insane things when drunk. God has given me so many chances but still my gratitude doesn't keep me sober

My life is a mess. Outwardly it looks as if everything is going very well, Financially stable, climbing fast in my career, Wonderful relationships with family , nothing to complain about.
But still I cannot stop drinking, My insanity is driving me mad. I know another stint in treatment won't make a difference because i will just return to my old ways and the shame of being committed again and everybody would then know is too bitter a pill to swallow.

Thank you for letting me share

Dee74

Hi and welcome JGK

I don't believe here's any spot so low or any hole so deep that we can't start the process of climbing back up

You'll find a lot of support here

D

ALinNS

Good Morning and welcome to the forum.

Your story sounds very similar to my own, since the mid 1990's I knew I not only had a alcohol problem but I believed there was also a mental health issue behind it, I saw a few professionals over the years but the medications they provided did little to stop the emotional high's and lows, in Detox I was accessed and told I had PTSD about three years ago and the medication for it did help, it wasn't until December of last year and a bad relapse I finally received what appears to be the full diagnosis being Bi-Polar and I am being treated for that and now things for the first time in my life are normal and I am doing great.

Point being don't give up, keep seeking help. I had always wanted a sober life and I worked very hard but was always haunted by these manic high's and low's.

All the best
Andrew

leighbond

I think the problem is you are quitting but you are not undoing this brain-washing that addiction drills into you. In the back of your mind drinking is still a good idea. The problem is most alcoholics aren't thinking about all of the terrible **** when they want to drink that has utterly torn apart their lives. They are thinking of all the fun times, which is crazy if you actually think about.

we think about these romanticized days in our past somewhere, usually when you still had some manner of self-control left, like for me when I was when I could get boozy with my friends on the weekend and still function during the week and do fun stuff, and holidays where everyone would drink and party and eat good food. That's what we want to get to and be whether it's subconsciously or not. That along with the "what's the worst that could happen this time" mentality and we relapse. The reality is we can never drink like that again, ever. Once you realize that it's easier, because now I can start to undo the brain washing, because now whenever I get that nostalgic drinking feeling instead of remembering all of the good times I've had drinking and lie to myself that it's a part of who I am and something I couldn't live without, I remind myself of all the insurmountable bull **** and pain it has caused me as it destroyed my life. Which is way, way worse than the few good times. Now I think about waking up covered in my own vomit when I have to go to work on twenty minutes. Now I think of my health deteriorating as it has been. And losing my wife, my six hundred dollar phone, my wallet, my peace of mind, my dignity. All for what again?

The truth is you can stop, but you have to quit and really mean it, and want it, and own it, because you AREN’T doing that right now. You are letting yourself give in, and be weak. The second you even open the door to the idea you will drink that day it’s over. And this is coming from someone with mild bi polar who relapsed probably a few hundred times before I quit for good. The only time I would get a craving a couldn’t fight off before was when in the back of my mind I had already consciously gave in, even though the rest of me was like don’t do this. When I finally quit for good sobriety was something I had to fight for, it was something that was worth it. What I know is it only takes about ten or fifteen minutes (in my own experience) before the craving is completely gone if you decided to not cave in. You need to look at your future and not just the night of “fun” and drinking with friends. Alcoholics like us can’t party, we quit or you will die from this. That’s important enough for me. If you keep drinking it’s just going to snowball. It gives you nothing and it takes everything. Really think about what alcohol is doing for you.
You also have to be okay with just having this empty feeling sometimes when you are trying to quit drinking. It is part of the healing process, just don't think about it. You will just end up rationalizing drinking again. But I hope you ready to really make a change, no one else can do it for you.

Gottalife

I don't know if you are aware of this but attending meetings of aa does not treat alcoholism. There is much more to it than making a few sober buddies. I realized the real deal was to reach out to more than the people in aa. Through the steps I found the God of my understanding, and that is what keeps me sober.

Going to aa meetings without doing the steps is about as effective as going into the operating theatre to have your appendix removed, but not having the actual surgery.

Bunny211

A few months and you are on step 9? Wow. To me that seems rushed. I am 15 months sober and I am on step 9. You obviously have not grasped step 1 yet if you continue to relapse. How can you make amends if you are not staying sober? Get yourself a new sponsor ASAP!

The steps are not a little checklist or academic assignment we tick off as having done. They are deep, spiritual, intense and at times, gut wrenching. I spent a full month on step one. I knew I could not drink...but I did not see that my life was unmanageable even WITHOUT the alcohol. My sponsor would not move me on to step 2 until I did a lot of work. I highly suggest you check out a big book step study meeting and work the steps as they are laid out on the big book with a big book step study sponsor (no worksheets, no hazelden guidebooks, no AWOLS etc).

I sometimes come across as harsh but I was a chronic relapser who could not stay sober for a week until I did this work as it is laid out in the big book with a big book step study sponsor. I'm often told I am "mean" or blunt but I feel it is my duty to carry this message to other alcoholics and explain that an easier, softer way just doesn't work. Half measures availed us nothing. This is my experience. It saved my life. I see people die every day from this diseases. Many are uncomfortable speaking the truth. I am not. I'm not out to people please or win popularity contests. This is a deadly disease. There is a way out - work the steps as they are laid out in the big book with a big book step study sponsor. Your life will change. I promise.

suzii

I am wishing you all the best. I'm a chronic relapser as well. I finally looked in the mirror and said one word-ENOUGH. It's not easy, but I feel more determined than ever. Stay strong and keep going!

MLD51

You need to stop lying to people about your drinking. You'll never get and stay sober until you are honest with yourself and others. And, in all likelihood, a lot of the people you are lying to already know or suspect. Come clean. You'll be glad you did. You're only making yourself miserable and digging your hole deeper every time you drink and lie about it. Work those steps hard, don't just do them half-a**sed. I am over a year and a half in, and about to re-do my 4th and 5th steps, because I was required to do them before graduating from treatment and kind of rushed through them. I know now there's more work to do there before I can move on and really do the rest of the steps.

IvanMike

It's been my experience that I was able to stop getting loaded once I stopped trying to justify my using.

To be blunt, it sounds as if you're expecting going to meetings to remove the desire to get loaded on booze, pot, or whatever else you're using. As soon as you feel the craving to get loaded, you decide that you have no choice, and probably declare that recovery doesn't work.

In NA, one of the first things I learned was that if it itched, that didn't mean that I had to scratch. If I feel like using, I tell someone - I call before I use, not after.

The dishonesty has to stop as well if you want any success. Tell people what you're up to and you have a shot at getting some help from them. - Just out of curiosity, when you had two years sober from alcohol, were you smoking pot or using other drugs? What about when you had a few months here and there after - were you clean from everything then? - If you were using other drugs while "sober", were you honest with your sponsor and other people in AA?

tomsteve

rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path.

demands rigorous honesty.

but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.

If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it-then you are ready to take certain steps.

We thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not. With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.

Half measures availed us nothing.

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum JGK!!

Soberwolf

Hi GJK