Mattq2

So far everything has been going great. I have, for the most part, felt great. I feel so happy most days. About once a week though I feel really sad for no reason. I also feel like I'm dreading something in the future but don't know what it is. It's really strange feeling like you have to go somewhere tomorrow that you really don't won't to do but it's all in your head. I really don't want to talk to anyone when I'm like this. My wife doesn't understand and I'm not sure how to explain it. Did any of you have these feelings in early recovery?

IvanMike

Yeah, that's pretty normal.

How long have you been clean/sober?

I can tell you that those sorts of feelings lessen over time, but never go away 100%. In fact, I'm pretty sure they are part of the human condition. - What isn't a part of the "normal" human psyche is our reaction to those feelings, which often is an urge to escape by getting loaded, even though we know that this decision will have terrible consequences. - Fortunately, those urges become less frequent, and we get fairly good at dismissing them.

What are you doing for a recovery plan?

JD

It's normal. Your emotions will be all over the map for awhile. Just know that's what's going on and you'll get thru them.

Mattq2

Thanks Ivan,
I'm 45 days today. The cravings to drink Are really short and totally manageable as long as I stay close to my routine. I guess I just need to explain to the wife the best I can that some days I just feel bummed out. It just seems bizarre when compared to how awesome you feel most days

IvanMike

45 days? Congrats!

My experience is at 45 days you should feel crazy and unstable. That's pretty normal. Mood swings are the rule rather than the exception.

My experience is also that as I stayed clean and worked a program of recovery, the frequency, intensity, and duration of my "bad" feelings all diminished. These reductions were gradual, and many times when I hit a period of feeling "off", it was easy to slip into the mindset that things weren't getting better.

I can still believe that lie today when I have an off day, but I'm better at recognizing it when it shows up, and I keep connected with some other men in recovery who can give me a reality check when I seem unable to produce one for myself.

Mattq2

Thanks Ivan I'll take the odd bad day here and there. The option of drinking is off the table for me. I like to understand about what's going on in my head as much as possible. The experience here sure does help with that. My poor wife she's never quite sure who's going to walk through that door!

Anna

Matt, it sounds like you're feeling anxiety. I have generalized anxiety and it's something I have to work on all the time. I feel 'normal' anxiety about some things, but there are times when I just feel anxious for no clear reason. It's uncomfortable, but manageable. One thing you might try is to slow your breathing and focus on your breathing during those times. If you focus on your physical body and breathing slowly, it might help.

IvanMike

so you never did answer my 2nd question...

REsoberALITY

Yeah Mattq2...... It sounds like a bit of anxiety. I had it very bad for quite a while and it's much better now. It does sound like it's pretty mild from what you describe but it's a strange monster. You can have a fear of something you've always done and never been afraid of. Also seems as though you can't really talk yourself out of it.... Be assured it does pass though. Hope when you have those bouts, they continue to pass quickly and get farther and farther apart. As I said, they Continually get better for me.

Gottalife

My alcoholic way of thinking was the only normal way for me. I discovered that my behavior, little selfish decisions and manipulations, unreasonable expectations etc constantly put me in either external or internal conflict with others.

We use the phrase, "made a decision based on self which later put me in a position to be hurt". I didn't know anything about this, totally unaware. The effect was every few days, even though I felt I was doing all the right things, I would get this awful feeling of impending doom, like the sky was going to fall one me.

With the help of my sponsor we would go back over events of the last few days and find where I made decisions based on self that came back to bite me. It was never just one thing, it was one little thing after another, each making me feel a little bit off, until they all combined and became a cloud of doom, and I couldn't see how I got there.

Ivanmike asked you a question about recovery and what your plan is. It is important because the cause of these bumpy patches for me was untreated alcoholism, and they would keep tripping me up and taking me back to drink, unless I found a solution. I had to some how change my behavior, learn a new way of living which did not put me in conflict with the world, in fact I needed a complete change in my reaction to life. I couldn't get that by just not drinking.

Mattq2

Anna and resober,
Your probably right is anxiety. I think the contrast is what's so strange

Ivan I'm not sure I have a good answer for your second question. When anything gets weird I come here even if it's to read. It always makes me feel better.

I do have a plan that has been perfected " hopefully"over dozens of failed attempts. I am not in any formal recover program. I do know that each day things like sleep, attitude, energy level, and frame of mind continue to improve. I for many reasons can't ever drink again no matter what. It's that simple. Asking guestions here help me so much to understand where I'm at in recovery and more importantly recognize issues that threaten my sobriety. It's crazy I don't know any of you but you are very important in my life or maybe I should say saving my life😀

Berrybean

There will always be the odd bad day. I do notice with myself that often that will be the day that I've forgotten or been 'too busy' to do the simple little things that are in my daily plan. Thing is, once I feel that way, like you say, it's hard to get to talk things through with anyone as I tend to isolate when I feel like that, and my brain kind of fuzzes up as well, so it's hard to think my way clearly out of it.
For that reason, at the top of my prayers / meditations sheet I have written a simple bullet point list of Things To Do On a Daily Basis, so that I can go down that check list and try to turn things around.

I also noticed that having 2 or more of the HALT triggers going on, while not triggering me to drink any more, certainly affects the quality of my sobriety. So it's worth double checking - are you Hungry-Anger-Lonely-Tired ?

Maybe keep a diary and see if you can spot a pattern to that when that dread feeling comes up.

Hope you feel better soon.

IvanMike

My experience was that although I was an arrogant know it all, I had no idea how to recover. That discovery ushered in the realization that I was not qualified to design a plan of recovery for myself.

Recovery starts with abstinence, but mere abstinence isn't recovery. I didn't want to go to Narcotics Anonymous, but the fact was, using or clean I felt miserable. The people there who were obviously serious about this whole recovery thing didn't look so despondent. I latched onto those people, despite being extremely abrasive, arrogant, and contrary.

They gave me a plan. I went to meetings a lot. Just going to meetings wasn't recovery, but it did keep me in contact with others and gave me hope. Even as a hard core atheist, I found that I could apply the 12 steps in my life (with guidance and direction) over time.

I became brutally honest about the reality of my addiction and my ineffective method of handling life and my emotions. I started to have hope that this process could help. I decided to give it a shot and give it my all. I took a look at what made me tick. I was honest about what I found with my sponsor. I looked at my flawed ways of handling life and decided that I didn't want the results of those behaviors any longer. I asked for guidance to help me behave differently, and I acted upon those suggestions. I looked at the damage I had caused and became willing to make it right to the best of my ability. I began the lifelong process of cleaning up my messes and behaving differently. I learned to keep tabs on myself each day and make corrections when necessary. I started to keep my eyes open for "the message" so I could live in line with my true values and principles. I began to strive to act in this new way each day, and I've started to offer some help to others in and out of the recovery context.

This has produced results, but not overnight!

August252015

I read a really good devotional by Richard Rohr today (he is a Friar I respect immensely for his often recovery-themed/applicable writings, as well as the faith part) - he talks about living inside a paradox as the very nature of faith.

When I was drinking, I was so black and white and SO discontent and restless in my misery. It was nearly impossible to hold opposing thoughts, moods, etc in my life - because I was thinking dualistically, not sitting in the paradox of myself and of life. "A contradiction is two things that cannot be true at the same time by your present logic" (RR). I drank to soothe this feeling. Learning to sit with paradox instead of contradiction- acceptance rather than challenge - is part of recovery.

You sound normal to me! I remember a week or so, probably somewhere around 8 wks (I am at 6mo now and in lots of pink clouds) I had the mean reds pretty solidly (see: Audrey Hepburn, "Breakfast at Tiffany"). It passes. Life and moods come in and out; my anxiousness and excitability (big one for me there) are still around but lessened.

Hang in there.

MIRecovery

Completely normal. Depression and anxiety are the most common. I used alcohol to treat both. Once our brain chemistry starts to stabilize they may or may not go away. If they don't there are much better ways to treat them