What it feels like to be a mindless robot.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 17
What it feels like to be a mindless robot.
Hey Guys,
I'm not 'new' per se but I may as well be. I tried being sober a long time ago and posted on here but ultimately failed.
I've kicked my two substances of choice (pot and booze). I haven't smoked in nearly three months, I've lost count of that, and today marks day 14 without alcohol. I've been a pretty bad and heavy drinker/pot user the better part of the last 14 years of my life.
I started when I was 15 and next April I will be 30 years old, and would like to make it there. Needless to say I don't quite feel normal, but I also don't really remember what normal feels like. I've been dreaming pretty much every night since I stopped smoking and now with the booze gone they involve alcohol and waking up with false hangovers. It's great!
I know with the amount of years I've polluted my body that it's going to be a long time before I start feeling this normalcy that I want back. I've brought myself to the depths of losing interest in everything I used to care about, any and all hobbies, any care at all really for anything aside from sleeping, getting up for work, watching TV and wasting hours in video games. While I do love all of these things, I've killed my motivation in life completely and have accepted just drifting along mindlessly, as I'm sure many of you have done at some point in your lives.
Needless to say I got to the point where I truly felt that I was losing my mind, and every time I drank the past year I'd say, it became more and more apparent that it wasn't even for the buzz anymore; it was a well oiled machine that took over any choices once a sip of alcohol touched my lips. I've felt like nothing more than a shell, or a robot, of which the sole purpose is to jam as much alcohol into myself as possible, despite saying beforehand "I can control this and I'll be fine".
Even after one drink feeling like crap, only to feel better after six more but the second I stopped the bad feeling came back, so it was a one way ticket to blackout/pass out. Waking up the next day having a worse hangover than the previous one, trying to make it through without going for a drink but ultimately on my lunch break buying a couple of nips of fruity things and a six to 12 pack of non-beer spirits to drink in the hour that usually ran late I am allowed to take, only to go home and sleep until the next morning and do it all again. This cycle is the spin cycle from hell. I'd imagine this is what it feels like to be a washing machine; dealing with the same dirty clothes day in and day out, repeating the same function and having no choice over whether you want to do it or not.
Something in me finally clicked. I don't know if it is the pain, the increasing gross feelings, the bloated state of my face and body, the weight I've put on, the memories I've lost, the nights I don't remember, the emotions I can't handle, the anxiety, the guilt every morning or the simple fact that I don't want to do this anymore, but here I am. Unlike every other time I've gone down this road, excuse the Hitler reference, but I feel like this is my final solution. If I don't do this I will become a part of a statistic my grandfather is a part of and I do not want to go out that way.
With all of that being said (and if you made it this far I thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading through this) I am determined and ready for whatever road is in front of me and it will forever be the dry road, not the murky swamp I've been trudging through for almost all of my teen and all of my adult life. The care for the social impact of stopping is gone. The care for not joining on the fun is gone, because realistically I can have just as much fun with people sober so long as I put my mind to it and don't fall into the trap of being a dry drunk. My mood the first week was the definition of one, this past week has been more bearable and pleasant, despite still feeling like garbage. I will not succumb to this anymore, and for that reason I will hold on to a bit of anger because to beat this I think I need to be partly angry at it.
Anyways, thank you again for reading a bit of my story and I look forward to using this forum as a means of an outlet whenever I need to as well as to read other people's stories and how they've managed to kill this demon we all face. I hope you are all well and are going through recovery with flying colors.
- Steve
I'm not 'new' per se but I may as well be. I tried being sober a long time ago and posted on here but ultimately failed.
I've kicked my two substances of choice (pot and booze). I haven't smoked in nearly three months, I've lost count of that, and today marks day 14 without alcohol. I've been a pretty bad and heavy drinker/pot user the better part of the last 14 years of my life.
I started when I was 15 and next April I will be 30 years old, and would like to make it there. Needless to say I don't quite feel normal, but I also don't really remember what normal feels like. I've been dreaming pretty much every night since I stopped smoking and now with the booze gone they involve alcohol and waking up with false hangovers. It's great!
I know with the amount of years I've polluted my body that it's going to be a long time before I start feeling this normalcy that I want back. I've brought myself to the depths of losing interest in everything I used to care about, any and all hobbies, any care at all really for anything aside from sleeping, getting up for work, watching TV and wasting hours in video games. While I do love all of these things, I've killed my motivation in life completely and have accepted just drifting along mindlessly, as I'm sure many of you have done at some point in your lives.
Needless to say I got to the point where I truly felt that I was losing my mind, and every time I drank the past year I'd say, it became more and more apparent that it wasn't even for the buzz anymore; it was a well oiled machine that took over any choices once a sip of alcohol touched my lips. I've felt like nothing more than a shell, or a robot, of which the sole purpose is to jam as much alcohol into myself as possible, despite saying beforehand "I can control this and I'll be fine".
Even after one drink feeling like crap, only to feel better after six more but the second I stopped the bad feeling came back, so it was a one way ticket to blackout/pass out. Waking up the next day having a worse hangover than the previous one, trying to make it through without going for a drink but ultimately on my lunch break buying a couple of nips of fruity things and a six to 12 pack of non-beer spirits to drink in the hour that usually ran late I am allowed to take, only to go home and sleep until the next morning and do it all again. This cycle is the spin cycle from hell. I'd imagine this is what it feels like to be a washing machine; dealing with the same dirty clothes day in and day out, repeating the same function and having no choice over whether you want to do it or not.
Something in me finally clicked. I don't know if it is the pain, the increasing gross feelings, the bloated state of my face and body, the weight I've put on, the memories I've lost, the nights I don't remember, the emotions I can't handle, the anxiety, the guilt every morning or the simple fact that I don't want to do this anymore, but here I am. Unlike every other time I've gone down this road, excuse the Hitler reference, but I feel like this is my final solution. If I don't do this I will become a part of a statistic my grandfather is a part of and I do not want to go out that way.
With all of that being said (and if you made it this far I thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading through this) I am determined and ready for whatever road is in front of me and it will forever be the dry road, not the murky swamp I've been trudging through for almost all of my teen and all of my adult life. The care for the social impact of stopping is gone. The care for not joining on the fun is gone, because realistically I can have just as much fun with people sober so long as I put my mind to it and don't fall into the trap of being a dry drunk. My mood the first week was the definition of one, this past week has been more bearable and pleasant, despite still feeling like garbage. I will not succumb to this anymore, and for that reason I will hold on to a bit of anger because to beat this I think I need to be partly angry at it.
Anyways, thank you again for reading a bit of my story and I look forward to using this forum as a means of an outlet whenever I need to as well as to read other people's stories and how they've managed to kill this demon we all face. I hope you are all well and are going through recovery with flying colors.
- Steve
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
Hi Steve 
If you think about it, you drank for years - it's probably goinmg to take a liottle more than 2 weeks to get through the many after effects of that, both physical and mental.
For me it was about 3 months of steadily getting better before I felt 'normal' again'
Your mileage may vary - I hope it's sooner
D
If you think about it, you drank for years - it's probably goinmg to take a liottle more than 2 weeks to get through the many after effects of that, both physical and mental.
For me it was about 3 months of steadily getting better before I felt 'normal' again'
Your mileage may vary - I hope it's sooner
D
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 337
Originally Posted by steve76453 
This cycle is the spin cycle from hell. I'd imagine this is what it feels like to be a washing machine; dealing with the same dirty clothes day in and day out, repeating the same function and having no choice over whether you want to do it or not.
Eli
Giving up is NOT an option.
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Western Wisconsin
Posts: 7,808
Hi Steve -
What's your plan for staying sober other than not drinking? What forms of support do you have besides SR? I know some people have used SR as their only support, but it helps to have other support in real life. Are you open to going to AA? It has helped many people immensely.
It sounds like you are ready this time, you say something "clicked." I remember my "click" moment like it was yesterday. But I still went to treatment and AA, just to be sure I stayed "clicked."
What's your plan for staying sober other than not drinking? What forms of support do you have besides SR? I know some people have used SR as their only support, but it helps to have other support in real life. Are you open to going to AA? It has helped many people immensely.
It sounds like you are ready this time, you say something "clicked." I remember my "click" moment like it was yesterday. But I still went to treatment and AA, just to be sure I stayed "clicked."
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 17
Thanks for the questions MLD!
I've tried AA before and it didn't work. I felt it relied too heavily on a higher power and the religious element didn't appeal to me as I'm not very religious. The people also had this air about them that without AA meetings they'd absolutely crash and burn back into the throes of addiction. I've never felt that way and felt out of place. I'm not trying to put them down either, if it works for them then they should keep it up! I think it's the fact that I've always been a person who likes my space and being alone a lot, so big groups of people aren't my thing when I'm battling demons, haha.
It is going to be a constant work in progress of course and I know this is a lifelong commitment, so I need to remind myself daily to keep going. Every step forward is another step further away from the shadows of the past, or what I remember of it anyway.
So as of now what am I going to do? Using this forum is a given, but for other stuff...
First thing's first; I've gone through my social media accounts and unliked/deleted anything pertaining to alcohol (and pot in my case) because it's not something I need to see anymore. I'm not worried about being triggered at this point, but eliminating these things is like a cleanse of self to me. Next on the list is deleting pictures of me with alcohol & whatever else from social media. I do not want that out there for the sake of personal growth and the fact that it is not a representation of the person I am now trying to become.
Second: Books, books, books! I used to be an avid reader and my mind can get lost endlessly in a sea of text. Books and I have had a bit of a falling out thanks to my ex best friend booze and I want to rekindle our relationship. To keep things from getting dull, I am going to switch up my reading between fiction and non fiction books about recovery and addiction. I really enjoy memoirs because it's fascinating delving into the mind of another addict and relating to what insanity befell them.
Third: Support from my close friends/family. All of them do! The ones who drink (which almost all of them do) are just as supportive, and I forgive them if we're at a cookout or a party and they offer me a drink. Usually they don't have to finish their sentence of asking me before they go "Oh, ****, I'm sorry!!!" and I laugh and tell them it's cool. I am very grateful that I don't have to eliminate any of them from my life.
Fourth: Fear. Fear that if I do back to this I will certainly die. Fear of leaving loved ones behind and not being able to see where my life could have ever gone. Even if I'm in the same job as I am now at 80 years old, at least I got to live. Killing myself through addiction not only hurts me and robs me of my life but it hurts and wounds those who care about me. I don't have a huge amount of self esteem and have to constantly tell myself that people DO care, but I know that they do.
As I progress through this (16 days now...it's a start!) I know I will come up with more, and I know that bad things in life still happen even in sobriety. The challenge is facing bad things and not using the crutch I am so used to to "overcome" them, which really means "numb them out". I wrote another novel's worth of a post, lol. My apologies!
I've tried AA before and it didn't work. I felt it relied too heavily on a higher power and the religious element didn't appeal to me as I'm not very religious. The people also had this air about them that without AA meetings they'd absolutely crash and burn back into the throes of addiction. I've never felt that way and felt out of place. I'm not trying to put them down either, if it works for them then they should keep it up! I think it's the fact that I've always been a person who likes my space and being alone a lot, so big groups of people aren't my thing when I'm battling demons, haha.
It is going to be a constant work in progress of course and I know this is a lifelong commitment, so I need to remind myself daily to keep going. Every step forward is another step further away from the shadows of the past, or what I remember of it anyway.
So as of now what am I going to do? Using this forum is a given, but for other stuff...
First thing's first; I've gone through my social media accounts and unliked/deleted anything pertaining to alcohol (and pot in my case) because it's not something I need to see anymore. I'm not worried about being triggered at this point, but eliminating these things is like a cleanse of self to me. Next on the list is deleting pictures of me with alcohol & whatever else from social media. I do not want that out there for the sake of personal growth and the fact that it is not a representation of the person I am now trying to become.
Second: Books, books, books! I used to be an avid reader and my mind can get lost endlessly in a sea of text. Books and I have had a bit of a falling out thanks to my ex best friend booze and I want to rekindle our relationship. To keep things from getting dull, I am going to switch up my reading between fiction and non fiction books about recovery and addiction. I really enjoy memoirs because it's fascinating delving into the mind of another addict and relating to what insanity befell them.
Third: Support from my close friends/family. All of them do! The ones who drink (which almost all of them do) are just as supportive, and I forgive them if we're at a cookout or a party and they offer me a drink. Usually they don't have to finish their sentence of asking me before they go "Oh, ****, I'm sorry!!!" and I laugh and tell them it's cool. I am very grateful that I don't have to eliminate any of them from my life.
Fourth: Fear. Fear that if I do back to this I will certainly die. Fear of leaving loved ones behind and not being able to see where my life could have ever gone. Even if I'm in the same job as I am now at 80 years old, at least I got to live. Killing myself through addiction not only hurts me and robs me of my life but it hurts and wounds those who care about me. I don't have a huge amount of self esteem and have to constantly tell myself that people DO care, but I know that they do.
As I progress through this (16 days now...it's a start!) I know I will come up with more, and I know that bad things in life still happen even in sobriety. The challenge is facing bad things and not using the crutch I am so used to to "overcome" them, which really means "numb them out". I wrote another novel's worth of a post, lol. My apologies!
Giving up is NOT an option.
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Western Wisconsin
Posts: 7,808
That all sounds good, Steve! I understand your concerns about AA. They are common ones, and I shared some of them before I went. I managed to take what I need from it and leave the rest, but it's not for everyone, I get that.
I'm glad to hear you have support from friends and family. I did (and do), too, and I'm not sure I could have stayed sober if those around me didn't support me. I made sober friends, too, but mostly I still have my same friends, and they still drink. It doesn't bother me 99% of the time. But they also know that if I start feeling funny, I might just up and go home. I've done it. No one gives me any grief.
Stick to SR, and let us know how you are doing!
I'm glad to hear you have support from friends and family. I did (and do), too, and I'm not sure I could have stayed sober if those around me didn't support me. I made sober friends, too, but mostly I still have my same friends, and they still drink. It doesn't bother me 99% of the time. But they also know that if I start feeling funny, I might just up and go home. I've done it. No one gives me any grief.
Stick to SR, and let us know how you are doing!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 322
Steve, back in 2000 when I quit drinking (for 6 years),I did it on my own. Now that was the year that I started treatment for Hepatitus-C as well. But Hep-C treatment (successful) only lasted a year. All during that time I never even thought of AA (I don't need no AA, that's for drunks). This time around, I know I need more than just family, SR, and me. I need some form of daily face-to-face support. I'm new, but I think I found it in AA. At least I'm going to stick with it as long as I can. I have seen my weaknesses and I believe there is strength in numbers. As for the spiritual aspect, I am a believer, but there are those that aren't in my group. Seems they command the same respect as anybody. A lot of people misconstrue "spiritual" for another name for God...and it isn't. Hang in there Steve, sounds like you have a plan.....work it.
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