Rogue

I'm still really trying to figure out what initially caused my relapse. My ex was never around me when I was drinking and didn't know me when I was a heavy drinker. He drank sometimes, never around me though. I felt I need to throw myself back around alcohol to prove to him (or myself, I'm not sure) that I could be around it and be ok. After all it had been almost 3 years. Some of his behaviors or words started making me question things, like, did he really love me? Was I really everything he wanted? Sometimes I felt pressure to be perfect. The way he broke up with me was devastating. After that day I kept drinking. He called one day and felt bad and wanted to try and work things out but I was still drinking then. Things just got worse and more complicated than they ever were. My question is, is it possible that he was a trigger for me all along and I never knew it?

Rogue

Or could it have been the situation? The break up reminded me a lot of when my ex husband and I split? I'm just trying to learn what my triggers are.

Dee74

I often blamed people and situations for sure - but really it was my inability to cope with things in any other way but drinking?

I learned new and better ways of coping

D

Rogue

That's kind of what I was thinking. I've never been one to deal with things well. While I don't blame him for it, I wasn't sure if maybe he was a trigger that I didn't realize. I often think it's my fault for everything, it's just so much harder this around.

Elle126

Hi rogue, I definitely saw my ex partner as a trigger for my drinking and I knew had we stayed together I would have found sobriety elusive because when you're constantly focusing on someone else, how can you possibly focus on yourself? We have to give 100% to our sobriety, without it everything else fails. It's early days for you yet rogue, at sometime in the future you will see everything happens for a reason and be able to make sense of all of this.
Big hug
Elle

Dee74

I don't think terms like fault and blame are useful sometimes.

The older I get the more I understand that some loves are not for ever?

I think focusing on yourself for a while is probably a really good idea - learn to know who sober you is & what she wants?

oldsoul112249

I can't blame anyone for my drinking history any more than I can give them credit for my sobriety. It was all my doing.

Austin4Wyo

Absolutely this. My relapse a couple months ago was not tied to any specific event, but rather, a long and overwhelming combination of smaller things. When I cracked, it was a long time coming.

Now, almost two months removed, I'm STILL discovering facets of what I need to deal with inside myself. Like Dee said, learning to cope with these parts of me is my primary focus as I get ready to head back toward my career.

I approach things as Win or Learn. The impetus of learning remains with me. I've been where you're at. I can't change the past, so I choose to return to empowerment by learning about myself and how I can better interact with the world.

Keep at it...we're all pulling for ya.

Berrybean

I dunno. I drank on all kinds of emotions. Good ones as well as bad. I'd got to the stage where whatever the situation or event, drinking seemed the best idea.

When I first tried to get sober I looked at how my partner and friends ALL drank so heavily and concluded that they were the reason I drank. Since then I've realised that it suited me to surround myself with people who drank and behaved like that group did is because then I could justify my own drinking and behaviour. I realised that the reason I drank like that was because I always chose to take the first drink which usually led to my alcoholic drinking. And that is the only person I can change. Me, and my alcoholic drinking. By not taking the first drink.

Staying sober is a bit like driving a car. Taking little looks in the rear view mirror to raise our awareness is wise. But if we find ourselves looking back more than looking forward, we need to change that quick-smart before we crash. Why not focus on staying sober and sorting out a plan for yourself. Maybe wait to take a little look in the rear view mirror when you're feeling stronger.

Have you seen Dee's thread about making a plan?
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...y-plans-2.html

bexxed

If I drink it is because I didn't use tools available to me to stay sober. If I stay sober it's because I do. It's really as simple as that, from what I can tell. I'd love to tell you how stressful things are and how that caused me to do x. There are some circumstances I have no control over. I have bad vision for example. I was born with it. But I control what I do with a box of wine. I control what I do with the ten extra dollars in my wallet. If I buy booze with it that is not my stressful job's fault. If I let the job stress me out, I'm enabling myself. If I blame my job for my choice to drink, I am making excuses. If I choose to drink it is because I have chosen to forget these very basic things. I had a bad experience with AA people in my area but the teachings are amazing. <3

Gottalife

If I wanted to pick my main trigger, it was being conscious. Not really something that can be eliminated in sobriety. I believe the are circumstances the newly sober may face that are overwhelming, like the very sick man who was discharged from hospital, went back to his skid row friends and they had a drink down his neck in not time. That was the drink that sent him off into korsokovs. He wasn't capable of choice.

But when I think about the concept of triggers generally, I don't believe they are relevant to to recovery. I asked myself a question, could I make my life so perfect I wouldn't need to drink? Doesn't sound too realistic does it. I have seen people eliminate all sorts of triggers and still get drunk.

My drinking was due to the fact that I had no effective 24/7 defence against the fatal first drink. Instead of eliminating triggers, I went after that defence. I found it, and it has held up for a very long time now.

tomsteve

people,places, and things never caused me to drink, but i sure rationalized them as excuses to drink.

rogue, im going to be blunt.you say this:
"While I don't blame him for it, I wasn't sure if maybe he was a trigger that I didn't realize. "

saying anything or anyone could be a trigger is blaming,imo.

the only person that caused me to drink was me.

MLD51

It's impossible to eliminate triggers when you are an alcoholic. A "trigger" can be anything. Anyway, I don't use the word trigger. The things that made me drink were ALL INTERNAL. No outside influence made me drink alcoholically. It was my inability to deal with life as it is, and will continue to be whether I drink or not. That desire to stop must come from inside, and you have to get to a point where it simply does not matter what is going on around you, YOU DON'T DRINK. Easy? No. Simple? Yes.

August252015

This.

As others have said, sobriety is our choice and we have to learn new ways to cope with life- good and bad- besides drinking.

In AA they tell you that when you drink (this is often said in the context of a relapse) it is not the taking of the first drink (again), but what led up to it - which is indeed usually coming well before you drink.

So from a practical standpoint - not one of emotional self-flagellation - what will you do now so that you don't drink again? Sounds like a perfect time for a program of action, which for me is a very hard working AA program.

You can do it. Working on yourself is the absolute key. Others can come into your life and heart down the road.

Good luck.

Rogue

Thank you so much everyone. I really appreciate the honesty and support here. The closest AA to me is about 30-40 Minutes away, there is a celebrate recovery group at a local church near me. Has anyone been a part of that? I'm thinking about trying it out. Tonight I will sit down and start a new sober plan. Today is day 3 no drinking.

2southTV

hi. dont let cognitive distortion blur your mind. you are in control. find a healthy way that works for u to deal with triggers <3

Berrybean

Might be worth asking that question in the Christians in recovery area on this website. I've heard people mention it before but can't remember who now. It's not something we have where I live.

Worth trying everything available.

PurpleKnight

When alcohol is the only tool in the toolbox of life then that's gonna be the thing to turn to.

We just need to fill the toolbox with other ways of dealing with life.

It can be done!!

August252015

I went to a celebrate recovery meeting a couple of years ago. It was before I quit, so there's that problem, but it definitely turned me off as churchy. Sounds weird, because I am a Christian and an AA-er, which of course means accepting a HP, but CR style just wasn't for me. Curious to see what you think.

[Side note- do you have a car? 30-40 mins is not that far away to go for sobriety ]

Rogue

Thanks again everyone. August the CR meets on Thursday evenings here, I won't be able to attend this Thursday(work) but I'll be able to go next week. I talked with my supervisor today and let her know I'd need Thursday evenings off for a while. I'll let you know what I think about it. You're right 30-40 minutes isn't that far. I may check out AA as well. The first time I quit I didn't go to AA or CR I just quit with the help of a good friend. I'm working on a new plan on how to deal things in a positive and hopefully productive way. thanks for all your support.