Hevyn

I'm so sorry for your pain, Mikah. Here's where the madness can end. Please stay with us and keep talking. I did reckless, dangerous things when I drank. I got free, and you can too.

MIRecovery

Going to a meeting a Good thing. Going to 90 meetings in 90 days is a better thing, going to 90 meetings in 90 days, getting a sponsor and working the steps is best of all. Sobriety is about hard work and change. Those who get sober are the ones willing to do both.

Linz805

You can do this. You really need to put all your focus on your recovery and getting and staying sober. I know it's way harder than it sounds. Maybe with time your love will see a change. If you don't get better though they may not. Do it for yourself though so you never have to feel this way again. It will take some time but hang in there!! Last time I drank I blacked out at a family function and oh the horror of waking up the next day without one clue as to what I had done. That was 6 weeks ago and I'm putting that behind me. The best apology is changed behavior

tomsteve

mikah, i can seriously relate to how youre feeling. i dont( nor is it possible to) know how you feel, but i seriously relate.
my last drunk, which wasnt really different from hundreds in the past, except the time of day i started drinking- about 11 am. i black out before the sun went down. i passed in on the couch and knew i had done something insane while in a blackout. at the time we had moved into her sisters house temporarily as her sister was dieing from cancer( she died 3 days after this). i got a cup of coffee for my(by then ex) fiance and went into tbe bedroom to find her balling her eyes out. she was extremely furious and proceeded to tell me some of what i had dont and said, which even though i was in a blackout and dont remember any of it, i believed it.
the she said ," GET OUT!! GET THE F**K OUT!!!!"
i didnt argue,beg or fight. i left. the horror, shock, and disgust of what sbe told me of my actions( AGAIN! this was NOT the 1st time i had done that) left me with the gift of desperation-the pain of getting drunk had finally exceeded the pain of reality.
and i gave myself 2 choices as solutions-AA or suicide.
i went to my 1st AA meeting- ready for help- 2 days later. full of self hatred the only thing i could say was "im tom im an alcoholic and i cant take it anymore" and balled the rest of tbe meeting.
i got the big book that week. read that,the best i could as i was in a fog, and went to meetings, where id say some of what brought me there and what a POS i was.
then one day, about 2 weeks in, an oldtimer(who i saw at a lot of the meetings and prolly got tired of listening to my self pity) said,
" quit kikin yourself in the ass. youre not a bad man, just a sick man and there is a solution."
i kept reading the big book and doing my best to do what it said, kept going to meetings, and kept feeling miserable about what i had become.
HOWEVER
with time and action of working the steps, i started changing. i honestly saw and believed i wasnt a bad man- bad men dont feel remoreful for their actions.
then the miracles of recovery started happening. i started actually likin myself! i could look at myself in tne mirror and like who i saw. i saw possibilities for a better future. i wasnt regretting the past. i was feeling freedom and peace.
and the greatest miracle- tbe desire to drink was removed from me. i no longer had the craving,compulsion, or obsession.

and life has new meaning.

yes, shes my EX fiance still. havent spoken to her in 10 years, when i made my amends.

and im ok with it all. its been a great life. not saying life is a bed of roses......actually it is. i just have to remember roses have thorns and sometimes they *****.
but i havent wanted to drink over it!!!

Gottalife

Hi Mikah,
I am not at all sorry for your present circumstances. I found my self in the same hopeless spot. It turned out this was the best possible place from which to have a full recovery.

I just wanted the misery to stop and I was willing to do anything to make that happen. Anything included lots of AA metings, a sponsor, and getting into the steps at a good pace. By three months in I was on step 9 and my life had changed forever.

Are you willing to do anything? That's the only question that counts.

lovetolisten

Mikah - I feel for you and can relate to a lot of what you're saying. Not a daily drinker, but binges of destruction and turn into the absolute worst versions of myself - doing and saying things I wouldn't dream of sober. The anxiety, paranoia, delusions multiply. I know it seems like all is lost, but it will get better and time will heal. The only way it will get worse is with continued drinking. I too am pretty disgusted with my lack of progess over the years. I hope this is last Day 1 for you and you never have to feel this bad again. I hope the same for myself

OceanGuy

My thing is that I never try to change for anyone else because in reality, you can't. Just like you can't change anyone, only they can change themselves.

I have to change me first, and then handle who or who wouldn't talk to me, blah blah blah-later on. In many cases, I couldn't care less. Loving myself and taking care of myself is priority #1. That's how I cracked alcoholism. Well, I had a plan and followed through with it as well, haha.

Mikah

Thank you. It does all seem overwhelming. I've been trying to get a hold of my gf for the past two days but she wouldn't pick up or write me back. I went to go to my first meeting ever and she calls right before I walk in the door. She tells me she's totally done and to never call her again. We were together for more than three years. I still went into the meeting. Met some people who took me to another right after. I'm so devastated. My life changed so much in the last few days. I prayed so much and still feel very sad. I don't wanna drink or anything I just want this pain of losing her to go. I can't believe how much we can hurt those we love the most because of addiction. It's super tragic. Sorry for ranting here guys I'm just shook.

Mikah

Also thanks so much for all your comments and encouragement and hope one day I could do the same for someone who is going through what i am. This has been an insane ride that I'd like to step off of. I'm going to miss everything about her but it's now beyond my control. All I can do is try and find the strength to push on somehow.

venuscat

You're not ranting at all Mikah ~ you're in pain, and we understand.
It hurts so badly to lose someone you love, and it hurts so badly to think it could have been different, if only.

But I see a guy who was brave enough to go to the meeting even after receiving that phone call. That is outstanding. That is you saying I deserve a better life and I am going to make it happen.

Sending you love. ♥

Elle126

Mikah, you're not ranting, you are expressing your pain and you are reaching out, you are doing the right thing. Sometimes we have to lose the thing/person we value the most to gain the gift of sobriety and to change.
I too lost the love of my life 4 months ago through drinking and like you I saw I had 2 options, suicide or recovery. I chose recovery. It has not been easy, there have been days when getting out of bed is a struggle but I manage it, go to a meeting, share my stuff sounding like a broken record and carry on, one day at a time.
I have a sponsor now and I am going through the steps, a part of me wishes that he could have been here to witness the change in me but that will never happen, so I linger for a moment in the past but resolutely plough on into the future.
Throw yourself into this Mikah, get yourself clean and sober and show in actions that you are ready to change, you may be surprised by what happens.
Sending you healing thoughts.
Elle

venuscat

^^^ This.

You are amazing Elle. ♥

Mikah

Thank you for this Elle. I feel pathetic sitting here and crying. I have this deep pain over what has just transpired. I know I have to get better for me I just don't understand why it had to happen this way. I always thought I'd get better and she could see the real me one day. Now it seems like that day won't come or if it does she won't care anyway because all the damage has been done. I'm angry that I'm an addict today if it has taken something so beautiful away from me. I'm angry and sad because of that. Like would this have all happened if I was normal? Probably not. I wouldn't have left her in the middle of the night to party if I was normal. That means that everything would still be fine because i wouldn't do stupid stuff like that sober. I might never know what could've been and that sucks.

venuscat

(((Mikah))) ♥

Yes, it does suck. Big time.

But you have the choice now Mikah to do what you need to do to get healthy and whole. And you are doing that.

Day by day the hurt will recede a little bit more. ♥

Jeni26

Hi Micah.

I love what Tomsteve wrote...'I am not a bad man...bad men don't feel remorseful over their actions'

Very true.

I was told by my current sponsor that this time around I had the gift of desperation. I couldn't see it as a gift. I was wracked with guilt and self-loathing. You describe it so well. I didn't think I could change either after a few relapses had seen me spiral and give up hope.

But I'm here to prove there is life after relapse. You need to get well. I knew there was another me deep down, a much nicer person. I wanted her back. It is taking some work but I'm seriously happier than I've ever been right now.

There is always hope, don't give up X

Elle126

I feel your pain Mikah, the loss of someone you love sears the soul. I have spent nights crying, screaming, rolling around on the floor in abject agony. I have spent nights drinking to blot the pain away but it got me nowhere. None of that would bring him back. None of that would make up for the years of damage. So I picked myself up and took this loss as a gift, a chance to change, an opportunity to find the real me. 6 weeks in and the pain is still there but there's a shimmering light in the distance, I call it HOPE.
Just for today Mikah do the right thing, one foot in front of the other, baby steps.
Sending you a massive cyber hug.
Elle

Berrybean

Sorry to hear things are rough right now. Hopefully this desperation will help you to turn a corner in your life though. Most of us need to reach a special kind of desperate before we can get to a stage of acceptance and willingness that is needed to get and stay sober.

You got another meeting today?

It might also help to dip into some of the speaker recordings between meetings - if only to get enough out of the past on replay in your head enough to sleep a little.
There are lots on this website.... 5500+ AA Speakers & Tapes - Organized & Mobile-Friendly!

You're feelings are likely to continue to flail about all over the place for a bit. Do you know, there are 5 stages of grief. 1-Denial. 2-Bargaining 3-Anger 4-Depression. 5- Acceptance. They all hurt terribly. And NONE of them are made better by drinking. Sometimes we just have to work these things through. But you can share your feelings on hee, and with people at the meetings. You aren't alone.

Wishing you all the best for your recovery.

venuscat

Berry ~ that's a wonderful link....thank you love. ♥

MIRecovery

The first step is what are you going to do about the problem. The problem is not your girlfriend or neighbors or land lord. These are symptoms of untreated alcoholism. Alcoholism is progressive it only gets worse. Every time we think we have hit our bottom we find one that is lower.

What is your plan to get and stay sober?

tomsteve

"always thought I'd get better and she could see the real me one day. Now it seems like that day won't come or if it does she won't care anyway because all the damage has been done. "

ok,bud, ya gotta change your perception here. this is a much better perception:

i will work the program of AA which will help me get better and i can see the real me. and the day will come when i make amends and if she doesnt care i will be ok with it.


dam straight it hurts. i was hurtin for quite a while after my last drunk. but i continued going to meetings, reading the big book, working the program, and talking with others in recovery- i continued working on me for me.
but in all honesty, i did have hope that she would take me back- part of me was getting sober for that. i had to work hard at making recovery about me. i was able to look further into the past, where i saw many,many problems not only with alcohol but with me,too. i was a mess before we met.

JF, keep going to meetings. get a copy of the big book and read it, look of the aa pamphlets" questions and answers on sponsorship", pray like crazy to whatever higher power you wish, keep posting here, dont drink even if your ass falls off, and repeat.