It's been a long while.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 49
It's been a long while.
Its been ages since I first came here, and vowed to myself and others to stay sober. Welp, as you probably can suspect, I failed epically. I drank on and off, mostly on, for the last three years now. Two to four times a week, 10 to 15 pints of beer or cider at a sitting. Before that, I had 5 years of sobriety- a beautiful girl in your life can do that for you- and before that I was drinking from age 16 to 21. Hey, I'm Polish, our legal drinking age is more of a vague suggestion.
Anyway, those three years culminated yesterday at about 7 in the morning. I'e been getting worse for several months by then, after my dad passed, progressing to more and more hard liquor, and more and more consecutive days. At the last of it, I've been constantly drunk for 4 days, a fifth of liquor and 7-8 cans of beer a day, and at the end of it had a massive, massive panic attack coupled with withdrawal. I had the last drink about three hours before then. By a drink I mean half a fifth of vodka.
Well, I ended up taking a cab to the hospital and panicking hysterically until they took me in. They took my vitals, took some blood, then dosed me with diazepam. When my blood results came back they sent me home at about 12, still dosed up, and with 20mg of diazepam in four tablets to get me through the day. They said they don;t have rehab capability in the hospital, just gave me some numbers to call. The doc only said that, based on what I;ve told him about my use, I'll likely need to drink again to stave off withdrawals until I can get the help from the telephone numbers he gave me. Didn't say anything about iwhat my tests showed, but I assume it couldn't have been that bad, as even the NHS wouldn't kick somebody out if they thought he'd die on their steps.
When I told him Im deathly afraid of drinking again, he said they can't help me, and basically to let myself out. The good thing is, I managed to sleep for 10 hours with the help of the diazepam, first time I got any sleep in more than 24 hours. When I was drinking I didn;t really sleep, just passed out for a couple hours and got on with it.
Anyway, it's been more than 36 hours since my last drink, and 24 since the diazepam ran out. So far, no more shakes, puking or sweating, just some anxiety, so maybe I'll get lucky this time and avoid anything more. Maybe its because before that particular bender I've managed to taper off and stay dry for a week. **** only knows why I relapsed, nothing happend to set it off.
I'm still scared of what might happen, but there's half a fifth of vodka staring at me from the shelf, so should I start shaking again, I can always get a shot and see if that evens it out. I DON'T want to touch it, thats the funny thing. What I went through yesterday really scared the absolute crap out of me, even if it only lasted a couple hours. That bottle there looks more like a coiled viper than anything else. But the appointment I made at the tel number the doc gave me is not until the 25'th. I'm scared ******** of even touching that goddamned bottle, but if the shakes start up again, I might not have a choice.
Do you guys recon I'm out of the woods by now? 24 hours without sedation, no shakes, nausea or sweats, pulse around a 100 but that might just be the anxiety, which I have anyway. And no help to be had from the NHS until the 25'th. If I make it that far, I'll have professional help, and there's AA meetings in the area, I recon there's two where I can get to them a week. Having no car is a bitch.
That was a long rant, but I hope at least someone responds. If you've made it this far, thank you for reading.
Anyway, those three years culminated yesterday at about 7 in the morning. I'e been getting worse for several months by then, after my dad passed, progressing to more and more hard liquor, and more and more consecutive days. At the last of it, I've been constantly drunk for 4 days, a fifth of liquor and 7-8 cans of beer a day, and at the end of it had a massive, massive panic attack coupled with withdrawal. I had the last drink about three hours before then. By a drink I mean half a fifth of vodka.
Well, I ended up taking a cab to the hospital and panicking hysterically until they took me in. They took my vitals, took some blood, then dosed me with diazepam. When my blood results came back they sent me home at about 12, still dosed up, and with 20mg of diazepam in four tablets to get me through the day. They said they don;t have rehab capability in the hospital, just gave me some numbers to call. The doc only said that, based on what I;ve told him about my use, I'll likely need to drink again to stave off withdrawals until I can get the help from the telephone numbers he gave me. Didn't say anything about iwhat my tests showed, but I assume it couldn't have been that bad, as even the NHS wouldn't kick somebody out if they thought he'd die on their steps.
When I told him Im deathly afraid of drinking again, he said they can't help me, and basically to let myself out. The good thing is, I managed to sleep for 10 hours with the help of the diazepam, first time I got any sleep in more than 24 hours. When I was drinking I didn;t really sleep, just passed out for a couple hours and got on with it.
Anyway, it's been more than 36 hours since my last drink, and 24 since the diazepam ran out. So far, no more shakes, puking or sweating, just some anxiety, so maybe I'll get lucky this time and avoid anything more. Maybe its because before that particular bender I've managed to taper off and stay dry for a week. **** only knows why I relapsed, nothing happend to set it off.
I'm still scared of what might happen, but there's half a fifth of vodka staring at me from the shelf, so should I start shaking again, I can always get a shot and see if that evens it out. I DON'T want to touch it, thats the funny thing. What I went through yesterday really scared the absolute crap out of me, even if it only lasted a couple hours. That bottle there looks more like a coiled viper than anything else. But the appointment I made at the tel number the doc gave me is not until the 25'th. I'm scared ******** of even touching that goddamned bottle, but if the shakes start up again, I might not have a choice.
Do you guys recon I'm out of the woods by now? 24 hours without sedation, no shakes, nausea or sweats, pulse around a 100 but that might just be the anxiety, which I have anyway. And no help to be had from the NHS until the 25'th. If I make it that far, I'll have professional help, and there's AA meetings in the area, I recon there's two where I can get to them a week. Having no car is a bitch.
That was a long rant, but I hope at least someone responds. If you've made it this far, thank you for reading.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: here, now.
Posts: 1,236
Welcome back and good on you.
I feel like I can't give you medical advice but would say do what you are doing (not drinking) and if you have any symptoms that indicate poor health then seek a physician immediately.
We have a "class of August" thread for those of us who decided to be sober starting this month. Join us!
Your post today helped me. Thank you.
I feel like I can't give you medical advice but would say do what you are doing (not drinking) and if you have any symptoms that indicate poor health then seek a physician immediately.
We have a "class of August" thread for those of us who decided to be sober starting this month. Join us!
Your post today helped me. Thank you.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,755
Glad you're serious about getting sober again. If you have any more incidents of withdrawal, get medical help. Physical w/d only lasts about 3 to 5 days. After that, make a sobriety plan to stay sober. 
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 49
Aye, I realize that no-one here is really legally allowed to give medical advice. And everywhere I read that AW is a very individual thing. I'll just keep hoping that I've dodged the bullet this time, but be ready to call someone if it suddenly starts going south. I'll keep the bottle on the shelf as an absolute last resort, if I feel I'm starting seizing or something. I recon I had the equivalent of four liters of vodka in four days, and that's no joke, also the first time I ever did something quite so stupid. I read also that hitting the 36-48 hour mark without starting withdrawing usually means you're out of the woods, so fingers crossed. Already got a plan for after that.
Giving up is NOT an option.
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Western Wisconsin
Posts: 7,807
Welcome!
Whenever I read a story of relapse like yours, it helps me. Thank you for that. Sorry you have to go though this again in your life - make this your last time. The mental image of that bottle of vodka looking like a coiled viper is a good one. Hang onto that. When I stopped drinking, my anxiety disorder pretty much went away. I had been diagnosed by a professional psychologist, who didn't realize how much I drank. So a huge part of my anxiety came directly from drinking. Hopefully abstinence will help your anxiety also. Having a plan for recovery will help even more.
Whenever I read a story of relapse like yours, it helps me. Thank you for that. Sorry you have to go though this again in your life - make this your last time. The mental image of that bottle of vodka looking like a coiled viper is a good one. Hang onto that. When I stopped drinking, my anxiety disorder pretty much went away. I had been diagnosed by a professional psychologist, who didn't realize how much I drank. So a huge part of my anxiety came directly from drinking. Hopefully abstinence will help your anxiety also. Having a plan for recovery will help even more.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 49
Just a quick update, my pulse is down to 88 beats per minute, the anxiety is about gone, and I'm feeling quite sleepy, so I'm heading off to bed now. It seems I really dodged this bullet. After 4 liters of vodka in 4 days, and a history of bad shakes, I'm not about to question my good fortune. Or the effectiveness of Valium. And thank you all, for the kind words. Goodnight.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,036
Hi SpaceMandrill,
I am glad you are feeling better physically. It might help to call around and see if you can get in before the 25th.
Do you have supports in place to help you remain sober until then?
I am glad you are feeling better physically. It might help to call around and see if you can get in before the 25th.
Do you have supports in place to help you remain sober until then?
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,519
Please stay, SpaceMandrill. You don't need to put yourself through that dangerous situation ever again. We all understand & want to help. Welcome back to a great place for encouragement. You can get free.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 49
Thanks for the kind words. Today was kind of a mixed bag. Withdrawal risk is, I think, definitely behind me, so that's peachy. I was really scared of the consequences of that last stunt, but it seems that, again, the fool has more luck than he rightly should.
On the other hand, it appears my mom has heard from some of my "friends", get this, that I ended up in the drunk tank. I NEVER got arrested for boozing. And I didn't tell ANYONE irl about what happened Sunday. What. In. The. ****. Thankfully, that got sorted out, though not before my sister ripped me a new one.
To finish on a positive note, I'm heading off to my first meeting in about an hour. In the past, when I hit the two, three day mark and started feeling better, that's exactly when I'd get on the **** again. It almost happened today too. I started getting nervous at work, thinking I'm finally hitting withdrawals, it progressed to a panic attack, and I almost, almost cut work short. Times before, it would end with me slamming shots in the nearest bar. Not this time. I called the AA helpline, bawled my eyes out to total stranger, and guess what? The "withdrawals" passed, like that, and I made a decision to get to the nearest meeting. Lo and behold, there is one in the town next to mine, just in time for me to get to it after work.
So wish me luck. I'll report how it went when I get back.
On the other hand, it appears my mom has heard from some of my "friends", get this, that I ended up in the drunk tank. I NEVER got arrested for boozing. And I didn't tell ANYONE irl about what happened Sunday. What. In. The. ****. Thankfully, that got sorted out, though not before my sister ripped me a new one.
To finish on a positive note, I'm heading off to my first meeting in about an hour. In the past, when I hit the two, three day mark and started feeling better, that's exactly when I'd get on the **** again. It almost happened today too. I started getting nervous at work, thinking I'm finally hitting withdrawals, it progressed to a panic attack, and I almost, almost cut work short. Times before, it would end with me slamming shots in the nearest bar. Not this time. I called the AA helpline, bawled my eyes out to total stranger, and guess what? The "withdrawals" passed, like that, and I made a decision to get to the nearest meeting. Lo and behold, there is one in the town next to mine, just in time for me to get to it after work.
So wish me luck. I'll report how it went when I get back.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 49
Haha, so I went to this meeting last night. It wasn't what I expected.
There were all of four people there, two 60 year old guys with 30-40 years of drinking behind them, a lady of about that age, and a 20 y/o Asian kid. They all knew each other for ages, it would seem, but it didn't seem they liked one another very much. Especially the Asian kid, he got a lot of ****, mostly because he wasn't that eloquent, or fluent in English. But that didn't stop him from talking about his girl problems for 30 minutes, which was quite amusing.
At any rate, I think I'll try the meeting in my town on Friday, and take a pass on that particular one from now on
.
Still off the booze though, and thats a success. Normally I'd be on the **** since yesterday, that's usually how the week started before now. Even the thought of it repulses me, so that's gotta be a good sign.
There were all of four people there, two 60 year old guys with 30-40 years of drinking behind them, a lady of about that age, and a 20 y/o Asian kid. They all knew each other for ages, it would seem, but it didn't seem they liked one another very much. Especially the Asian kid, he got a lot of ****, mostly because he wasn't that eloquent, or fluent in English. But that didn't stop him from talking about his girl problems for 30 minutes, which was quite amusing.
At any rate, I think I'll try the meeting in my town on Friday, and take a pass on that particular one from now on
. Still off the booze though, and thats a success. Normally I'd be on the **** since yesterday, that's usually how the week started before now. Even the thought of it repulses me, so that's gotta be a good sign.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 49
I recon I'll just use this thread as a journal for the time being. Who knows, maybe someone will be able to use it, somehow.
Tomorrow at around 6am I'll be a week dry. Not sure if I can say I'm sober. I'm torn constantly between the urge to get hammered, and the fear of the consequences. Can't sleep at night, but if its the middle of the day, then I can sleep for 10 hours, and still feel like death after waking up. Haven't had any purely physical a/w symptoms in a long while, apart from being weak like a kitten when trying to excercise. Can't do 20 pushups without my arms turning to noodles.
Anixiety is pretty bad. I keep having those thoughts that I might have an undiagnosed condition that's gonna kill me any moment now. In fact, this hypochondria was part of the reason why I started drinking in the first place- you don't give a damn about your health when you're hammered. That's gonna be a problem. I hope the doc appointment on the 25'th will help set me up with some treatment, meds, therapy, anything.
I also realised that I don't know anyone with whom I could hang out without drinking. All my buddies are, or were, drinking buddies. Trying to explain the problem to them is like pulling teeth. "You're not an alcoholic, an alcoholic is a bum in the street and you hold a decent job, now drink this beer and stop being a wanker" Its not word for word, but you get the gist. Finding some new friends might be in order.
Once I regain some of my strength, and get my general state of health checked out, I'll try going to the local boxing gym. Having literally no-one to open my mouth to outside of work is doing my head in. Not enough to start drinking again, mind. Still too scared of that.
Tomorrow at around 6am I'll be a week dry. Not sure if I can say I'm sober. I'm torn constantly between the urge to get hammered, and the fear of the consequences. Can't sleep at night, but if its the middle of the day, then I can sleep for 10 hours, and still feel like death after waking up. Haven't had any purely physical a/w symptoms in a long while, apart from being weak like a kitten when trying to excercise. Can't do 20 pushups without my arms turning to noodles.
Anixiety is pretty bad. I keep having those thoughts that I might have an undiagnosed condition that's gonna kill me any moment now. In fact, this hypochondria was part of the reason why I started drinking in the first place- you don't give a damn about your health when you're hammered. That's gonna be a problem. I hope the doc appointment on the 25'th will help set me up with some treatment, meds, therapy, anything.
I also realised that I don't know anyone with whom I could hang out without drinking. All my buddies are, or were, drinking buddies. Trying to explain the problem to them is like pulling teeth. "You're not an alcoholic, an alcoholic is a bum in the street and you hold a decent job, now drink this beer and stop being a wanker" Its not word for word, but you get the gist. Finding some new friends might be in order.
Once I regain some of my strength, and get my general state of health checked out, I'll try going to the local boxing gym. Having literally no-one to open my mouth to outside of work is doing my head in. Not enough to start drinking again, mind. Still too scared of that.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Mediterranean
Posts: 187
Hey Space, great news on a week dry! And I'm really glad your appointment is coming round soon, and that you made that phonecall. Even if the meeting wasn't right for you, you're being proactive. X
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,355
Congrats on a week SM
I think all the things you mention - the anxiety and looking at how many friends you have as opposed to drinking buddies are all pretty normal things to do this far in.
Support really helped me in the early days., You could do a lot worse than become a regular poster here
A plan is a great idea too...and don't be turned off by the idea of a recovery plan. Read the links.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html
It's not particularly taxing or difficult to rustle up a plan
Best wishes with the Drs appointment - I was sure I was slated for imminent demise too but I was in better shape than I thought.
D
I think all the things you mention - the anxiety and looking at how many friends you have as opposed to drinking buddies are all pretty normal things to do this far in.
Support really helped me in the early days., You could do a lot worse than become a regular poster here
A plan is a great idea too...and don't be turned off by the idea of a recovery plan. Read the links.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html
It's not particularly taxing or difficult to rustle up a plan
Best wishes with the Drs appointment - I was sure I was slated for imminent demise too but I was in better shape than I thought.
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 49
So its Friday evening again, and I'm having a panic attack. Gee whiz, I wonder what that might be connected with? Not with all of my buddies getting hammered and talking about it on facebook, and me sitting here alone, surely? Nobody said sobriety would be easy, but damn...
In all seriousness, I'd like nothing more right now than go to the pub and make the fear, the discomfort go away. But I bloody well won't. I know how it would end, with drinking throughout the weekend, and having even worse anxiety on Tuesday, when I have to go back to work. Or maybe I wouldn't sober up at all, and just sneak in half a pint of vodka mixed with coke to make the day bearable. Yep, that's probably what I would end up doing. Not this time though. Never again.
So basically I'm just checking in to have this little extra bit of accountability, even if its largely ephemeral. I always tended to be a man of my word, so writing out a commitment in public has some weight for me. All I have to do is calm the heck down without downing 15 pints. Easy peasy.
In all seriousness, I'd like nothing more right now than go to the pub and make the fear, the discomfort go away. But I bloody well won't. I know how it would end, with drinking throughout the weekend, and having even worse anxiety on Tuesday, when I have to go back to work. Or maybe I wouldn't sober up at all, and just sneak in half a pint of vodka mixed with coke to make the day bearable. Yep, that's probably what I would end up doing. Not this time though. Never again.
So basically I'm just checking in to have this little extra bit of accountability, even if its largely ephemeral. I always tended to be a man of my word, so writing out a commitment in public has some weight for me. All I have to do is calm the heck down without downing 15 pints. Easy peasy.
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