rahrah

Recovery has been the greatest gift I have ever received...I am so over the moon grateful to have finally finally finally been ready for it. BUT getting better has illuminated how sick I used to be, how very sick I was for so very long. Which has led me to extreme, overwhelming emotions of regret. Regret and sadness...so much of it. Regret for spending what seems like my whole life inside the bottle and sadness for the person I was. Regret for all the wasted years and sadness for all the pain I caused myself and others. It is UNBEARABLE at times. Overwhelming and stifling. I remember once, many years ago when I was trying to get sober....I heard someone say at a meeting that real recovery was often painful....and I remember so clearly thinking how silly that sounded....how could it be? I truly thought the idea of getting better, being painful...was incorrect. But.....again, I have learned how wrong I can be. Recovery has been painful....very. I can't stop crying about how awful I was....how CRAZY I was for so long. How many people I hurt. It breaks my heart. And the years! 30 of them! I mourn them....deeply.
I know this too shall pass. I know it's part of shedding the old personality. I know, I know, I know.....BUT......the pain...the sadness.....

August252015

It is hard, isn't it? I have had a painful couple of days- crying especially- amidst the good that is going on. I just did my step 4 and am moving on and a loooot of stuff has come up.

Hang in there- you will be ok. We all will if we just keep going. Hugs.

Dee74

I think recovery can be painful...but if it's ONLY painful then you're doing it the wrong way

All of us have had regrets guilt or shame related to the past, I think.

The bottom line is the past is gone. There's nothing we can do about yesterday, but there's a ton we can do with today tho

It would be a shame to miss today opportunities cos we were facing the wrong way?

D

leviathan

I understand these regrets very well. They almost buried me. At some point I realized I had payed my dues in the guilt department and that the only way to prove I had learned anything was to build a new life that was not a waste.

I try to look at it from different angles when it creeps back in. I tell it "you've already taught your lesson. I learned. Back off."

I remind myself I'm one of the LUCKY ones and I now have a responsibility to serve as an example that we can change directions and lead positive fulfilling lives in recovery.

I am also learning to look back at my younger, more foolish self with some compassion. I really wasn't having near as much fun as I would have told you. I really was lost and it unfortunately happens to smart, well-meaning people all the time.

The more kindness I can treat myself with, the more I can pass on. -a fact.

rahrah

Thanks Dee....I guess I should clarify that I DO feel better than I ever have....despite the pain and sadness. Sounds weird I know. I eat, sleep and breath recovery and have made tremendous progress. I have never felt so balanced nor been so healthy. But at the same time there is pain and sadness. And mourning the past has been quite therapeutic...but it is painful. No pain no gain type of thing. I can't just shrug off 30 yrs of chaos by simply acknowledging the "past is the past". I need to process it. Acknowledging the past and all its turmoil is useful in helping to remind me that I don't want to go back! Accepting it has been therapeutic in that it has helped me accept myself and take responsibility for what I was.
I believe that it is possible to get better while experiencing pain. I believe pain and happiness can coexist. I don't think my recovery is being done 'wrong'. I believe that the pain can HELP heal as it is part of the mourning process.

rahrah

WOW...sometimes you hear that one random thing that does it! And what you said....that's so helpful!

If I can look at all those years as a 'lesson', one giant lesson...perhaps then when that 'lesson' gets to be too painful with it's ceaseless reminders.. I can simply stop and say...."thanks 'lesson'...,I've had enough for today...I got this from here".

My brain needs to either 'over simplify' things or make them 'unfathomably complex'! I think your most excellent, yet simple piece of council is going to help me quite a bit! Thank you!

sleepie

Hi rah rah, don't despair. It's hard to go through these things, but you quit and obviously won't be making the same decisions again and there really isn't any better that one can do.

After 30 years of drinking it really is a feat that you did this and quit. There are many who do not or don't live long enough to.

Linz805

Sorry for the pain you are experiencing now. You sound like you have a lot of clarity on what you are feeling. Keep up the good work and stay strong. A better day is upon you

sweetichick

Hi Rahrah, I too have great pain. I lost my children mainly due to drinking and a $100000 lawyer my ex paid for. But I have regrets; why didn't I pull myself earlier together. At least then shared custody may have worked. Why not drop the alcohol as soon as the children left? I haven't met many people who have as much pain as me but I know there is a brighter future for me. And there is for you too. Time spent in pain and regrets serve nothing but keep us in the past. Try to move forward to the benefits of a sober life.

Berrybean

Nadia Bolz-Weber is a priest in recovery. One of her sermons was about how we like to edit our lives. Just like on social media, we tend to take out the unsavoury bits and just put all the glowing snapshots of the high points on display. But, she points out, this leaves some of the most valuable lessons we have learnt on the cutting-room floor. She maintains that God needs us to value those bits just as much as the joyful moments. We need to remember that we are loved and worthy of love despite our imperfections. It is through acceptance that we can grow and move on.
This will get easier. Are you doing this as a 12-step process? If so, please don't linger where you are too long. Keep pushing forward.

MrPL

Hi Rahrah,

Another point is that going through what you have in the past gives you a perspective on being sober that you otherwise would not have. People say you only truly appreciate things once you lose them. Well, you have lost sobriety for 30 years, so now you got it back you can truly appreciate it.

Enjoy!
P

Elle126

Thank you for your post Berrybean, I am doing my step 4 at the moment and it is hard to truly look at ourselves and our past actions, to strip ourselves down to the core, to feel and to really see the damage we have done in the selfishness of our drinking. However I view it as a cathartic process, I cannot change the past, I can only look at it, accept it, humbly make my amends and ask forgiveness and then move forward.
Elle

PrinzessinD

I have felt similar lately. I'm going through a whirlwind of emotions. I feel as if now that I'm not drinking, I'm not the same person. I let friends and family walk all over me for over ten years because I was drunk. Now, I'm not a doormat anymore and I think they don't know how to deal with it. With that being said, I'm feeling regret too for the way I acted while drinking. We need to move on and be a better version of ourselves from now on. Thank you for your post.

Berrybean

Wishing you well with your step 4 and 5 Elle. I can honestly say that what I learnt doing those simple (but scary) steps taught me things of more importance and value to me than four years of university knocked into me. If I had to go back in time and choose one of the other, it would be the step work without hesitation.

That lady, Nadia Bolz-Weber has a brilliant book out called Accidental Saints which I recently read. You might find it useful. It was a very powerful read for me. My HP is very special to me now. But I do belive that I have ALWAYS been special to my HP. I just wasn't ready to let go of my pride, be honest, and reach out. So step 4 & 5 were really important for me. I tend to think of my latter drinking stages and my white-knuckling period as when I was in the 'furnace of affliction '. Step 4 and 5 was a turning point, as I had become maleable enough to learn to delight in the fruits of the spirit. And I'm still in that learning stage now. One thing is evident, the fruits of the spirit are sweeter and more sustaining than the ways of the flesh were for all those years!!

Berrybean

Hope you manage to find ways to make amends to those that you harmed so that you can move forward without fear of shame or ill-feeling following you. And good on you for not being a doormat.

Elle126

Thank you Bb I will look up that book. I went away for the weekend on a 12 step retreat at a monastery in Kent, it was just amazing and really helped me to connect with my HP, spent most of the time crying, tears of joy and gratitude. I love the steps and step 4 has given me more personal insight and clarity than 20 years of therapy ever did!!
Wishing you well Rah Rah, visit the past but please don't linger too long.
Elle

Berrybean

There's something about getting away for a retreat isn't there. I'm due to go to one at Clare Priory in October some time. Just waiting for the confirmation email. I've been before and it was wonderful.

Mountainmanbob

You remind me of me and many others that I know that have sobered up. Yes, the wreckage of our past can be over whelming. But, these issues are dealt well with in time if we stay sober and seek a Higher Power to help us. You have been to AA and know that the Steps are supposed to help you with your regrets. It's not a fast process but, an excellent one.

M-Bob

hpdw

Rah rah this is what I love about SR . Your post and the responses are helping me and others . Ive saw me reading 30 posts then ONE jumps out at you which is very useful , even one of those a week is a bonus . I am sure I can speak for many saying your main talking point is common among us alcoholics . I'nearly 60 and full of regrets but I have saw a few from my village aged 34 -55 die from this affliction so I count myself lucky and grateful .

newpage119

It is very sad sometimes to look back at the wasted time.....

BUT stay sober and you will add years to your life on the back end!